A/N: Thanks, everyone, for your kind words. This chapter's pretty angsty, and things won't be getting better for at least a few chapters. Just a warning.

My beta, Laura, is sick right now, so I uploaded this without any beta reading. I proofed it to my best ability.

Chapter 8.

Bella.

"Do you have to wear black to a funeral?" I asked Charlie, who was fussing over his charcoal suit and white tie. He looked quite smart, apart from the pained expressing on his face along with the unkempt beard he was sporting.

"Not particularly. It's just respectful."

"Oh" I said, eyeing the set of clothes I had laid out on the dining table. I didn't really worry about what I was going to wear; I was just filling in time until Elizabeth's funeral.

I opted for a pair of my oldest jeans and a white blouse. I didn't need to dress in black to respect Elizabeth. I already respected her. Look at the gift she had given me – Edward Masen!

"This is going to be a tough day for everybody" Charlie said to me, stroking my hair.

"Especially Edward" he added. He had warmed to Edward, though I couldn't help but think it was all out of sympathy. He didn't even flinch when I had announced we were together now. A couple. Edward Masen was my boyfriend!

But no, this wasn't the right time to be happy. Elizabeth was dead, Edward was broken. Phoenix was filled with sadness. Even those who barely knew Elizabeth protested that her funeral should be public. They wanted to pay their respects and Jenna, Edward's aunty, let them.

I really liked Jenna. She had short, blond hair and a twisted Australian accent. She had a lot of her sister in her, and to me, she was a mirror of what Elizabeth would have been like before the depression.

"We're picking Edward up" I said to Charlie, "In ten minutes. Shit."

"Language, Bella Swan" Charlie said sternly, fiddling with his tie. I shrugged and grabbed Charlie's car keys. I waved them in his face until he finally gave up on his shabby tie and grabbed them out of my hand, muttering curses under his breath.

"Language, Charlie Swan."

**

"Hey, Edward" I greeted, poking my head out of the car window, "Hop in."

I didn't know whether to be sad or cheery for the funeral. Did I want to show Edward I was strong, did I want to be the light in this all? Or, did I want to show I cared for Elizabeth as if she were my own mother, and cry as I needed?

I chose a comfortable in between.

Edward wasn't wearing all-black, much like myself. I was glad I hadn't made a fool of myself.

"You look very beautiful" he whispered, grabbing onto my hand tighter than usual. I could smell alcohol on his breath and frowned.

This wasn't the time to start an argument. He needed to grieve.

"Hello, Edward" said Charlie from the front of the police car. Edward nodded to him in the reflection of the rear-view mirror.

"How are you holding up?" Charlie asked, taking off toward the funeral gardens.

"Alright, sir, considering the consequences."

Charlie inhaled sharply and stared out of the front windscreen. Good question, Charlie.

I patted Edward's thigh with my free hand and he smiled across at me. There was something loose about his smile. Goofy, even. The alcohol had loosened him up.

It didn't take long for us to pull up to the funeral garden. There were a lot of cars parked along the gutter and a hearse. I heard Edward curse under his breath at the sight of it, so I rubbed his thigh again. Tears welled in my eyes.

"S'ok, Bella" he muttered, learning over to plant a small, modest kiss on my cheek. I saw Charlie frown in the reflection of the mirror.

"Are you ready?" I asked once the car had come to a stop. Edward didn't respond immediately, instead he looked into my eyes blankly.

"That was a really stupid question" he said evenly. Of course it was a stupid question, but what else was I supposed to say? I hadn't ever had to deal with death before; I had no idea how to act around Edward.

"I-I-I'm sorry" I spluttered.

"Don't worry, let's go."

Charlie had already left the car and started to mingle with the attendees. He was talking to Jenna, they were laughing and chatting. They didn't look like they belonged at a funeral. Jenna had red eyes, but she held herself well. Her dress was short and lacy. Not black, but a deep grey. It looked lovely on her. She had black gloves and dark sunglasses resting on her head. She looked like some kind of supermodel. That dress must have been very, very expensive.

Edward led me to her, stumbling slightly on his way out of the car. Nobody noticed, except for me.

"Edward, Bella" she greeted us in a silky voice, "I'm so glad you're here."

Here, at her sister's funeral? How did that make her glad? It made me feel a bit better, knowing I wasn't the only one who blurted out stupid things when coping with death.

"Sorry" she muttered.

"It's alright" I said, nudging Edward's bare arm. He snapped out of whatever had pulled him under, and he smiled at Jenna.

"Hey, Aunty Jenna."

"What a sad, sad day, Miss Masen. My condolences" said a tall, burly man walking past. I noticed he was our principle at Phoenix Union. Mr. Whatshisname…

"Thank you" Jenna said, bowing her head. The priest up front called everybody to their seats, and the conversation that was flowing through the air died instantly. Edward, Charlie, Jenna and I made our way to the front seats. They were reserved for us. To my right sat Edward, and to my left sat an old man whom I didn't know.

"Hello" he said gloomily.

"...Hi" I whispered back.

"How did you know my daughter?"

"I'm her son's girlfriend" I choked out. Here was Elizabeth's father, and wow, did he look shattered. Almost more than Edward. My heart broke a little more at the look on his face, like he had lost all hope for life.

"My wife died two years ago" he stated, "Now Liz…" he broke into sobs. I rubbed his shoulder, not knowing what to say.

"The name's Brian" he said, wiping his eyes with a handkerchief. I nodded and smiled.

"Bella."

"It's very nice to meet you, Bella. Sorry about my blubbering…"

"You don't have to be sorry for anything" I said. He offered me a weak smile, then proceeded to weep into his hands. I let him be.

Turning to Edward, I realised he had begun to sob himself. To somebody sitting a few seats away, you would not be able to tell he was. But here you could. Each sob was whisper quiet and raspy. His eyes were directed at the coffin that was sitting just ahead of us. He looked at it like it was the most disgusting thing he had ever seen. You wouldn't even be able to pick that his mother was in there, if he hadn't been crying.

"Edward" I soothed, rubbing his stomach and leaning over to kiss him on the cheek. He found my hand with his own and held it firmly to his stomach. It growled.

It was then I realised I could not remember the last time I saw him eat. If I had dinner at his house, he insisted he would eat later, and I was left stuffing fries into my mouth like the pig I was, while he sat at the dining table with a strange look on his face.

I was pretty stupid to have just been figuring that out then. He was so thin. His face was gaunt and his eyes sunk into his head.

How had I let him get like this?

"It's alright Edward, I'm here" I whispered. He gave a weak smile and shushed me, as the priest had just begun his eulogy.

It was long and impersonal. That's the only way to describe it. The priest drawled on about how much of a life Elizabeth Masen led. He never went into details.

"Elizabeth's son, Edward Masen, would like to say a few words" he said, snapping me out of my thoughts. Edward got up sloppily from his place and dragged himself to the podium, where he cleared his throat and stared at the audience with resentment. They would have just seen this as sadness, but I knew the subtle differences in his face; the creased forehead and tight eyes. They killed me.

"Thank you for your respect" he said bitterly. I could tell he didn't mean what he said at all. He fiddled with a crumpled piece of paper bearing his speech. It wasn't in his writing.

"My mother would have loved seeing all of you here today. She would be thanking you all right now herself."

He paused and gave me a pained expression. He didn't want to say the rest.

"My-my mother was a kind, caring woman who loved everyone. She never held grudges and had the most amazing smile you could ever see…" Edward trailed off, staring blankly into space. His voice was flat and emotionless. He wanted to get out of there.

"I'm sorry" he said suddenly, screwing up the paper in his right fist, "I can't finish this."

He jumped quickly off the podium and jogged back to his seat, looking a mess.

"Jen wrote that for me. Load of bullshit" he muttered. I gave him a small smile and rested my head on his shoulder. Jenna spoke her own pre-written speech, as did Brian and a few other people Elizabeth knew. They all ended up in tears, and by the end I felt like there may be no heart left in me to be broken. It went on for a few more minutes, until the priest allowed us to say our final goodbyes. Brain was the first. He wept over her dead body until Jenna walked up to him and peeled him off. Edward was next. My heart raced at what might happen. I was worried for him.

He stood facing her, so his back was to me, and stared down at her for a very, very long time. Nobody told him to hurry up. Eventually, he knelt down to her body and touched her. I could see his long arms stretched out, grasping her shoulders.

The next thing almost gave me a heart attack.

He pulled her body up to him and proceeded to shake her back and forth. Her whole body rocked stiffly and the audience let out cries and gasps of shock. I joined them.

The priest started to yell at Edward, and he let Elizabeth's body fall back into the coffin. He turned to face the audience, and he grimaced. Some looked offended, some looked saddened. Edward stumbled back to the chair next to me and put his head in his hands. I couldn't handle it any longer; I pulled him into my chest firmly and held him there, like it would protect him from the horrors of his life. I would give anything to make them go away.

"It will all be okay, Edward" I whimpered into his ear. He sighed in reply. I knew he didn't believe me, but one day, we would remember Elizabeth in a positive way. We wouldn't cry whenever we thought of her. We would smile at the things she did, how she tried to set us up. Edward's pain would never completely go away, I knew that. But it would get easier. It had to.

**

The wake was held in the front garden of Edward's house. Jenna had set up more chairs and some tables loaded with food and cupcakes. Soft music emitted from the living room out into the garden. It was all very nice, but sad. Edward stood next to the food table with a plastic white cup in his hand. I guessed it wasn't lemonade.

"Go on and talk to Edward, honey, I have to mingle" Charlie said to me, giving my back a slight push. I did what he suggested and ran up to Edward, giving him a big kiss on his lips. He smiled when I pulled away, but it faltered quickly.

"I'm sorry" he said, taking a chug out of his cup. I thought I could smell rum, but I didn't think too much on it.

"For what?" I asked, confused.

"Today. Being so…"

"Edward" I interrupted, "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for."

He looked at me warily, and sighed. It was that sigh I didn't like.

"I'm bringing you down with me."

"I would be down anyway. It was a funeral" I said obviously. Edward chuckled a little, but it was passionless and hollow. Startling me, he pulled me into a bone-crushing hug. My eyes almost popped out of their sockets; he was squeezing me so tight. I would have pulled away, but I heard him crying. I squeezed him as tight as he was me, until he let go and hid his face behind his arm.

"You're allowed to cry" I whispered, leading him inside. He followed me, pouring the last dregs out of his cup into his mouth and throwing it on the lawn carelessly. I took him all of the way up to his room and sat with him in silence, just holding him close and rocking him back and forth. This was my duty. I was his girlfriend.

I would give my everything to see his crooked, carefree smile once again.

Edward.

She was so good to me, Bella. I didn't deserve her. Here I was, drunk as my mother, being looked after by my girlfriend. I was dragging her with me into my dark pit of depression. Just being near me had that effect on people, it was obvious. Not many people talked to me for long. Bella was the only fucking one who stayed.

And she was the only one whom I didn't want to stay. She couldn't spend this much time with me; I would ruin her. As much as I needed and craved her touch, it would lead to her demise. I just fucking knew it.

"Bella. I'm no good for you" I whispered to her. She stopped rocking me and held me away from her so she could get a good, long look at my face. Why she would want to, I have no clue.

"You don't know what you're saying" she said.

"I do. You're going to end up just like me" I broke off into a sob at just the thought. I was a fucking pussy.

"I won't. I'm here to help you."

"I d-don't think this is good at all…"

"Please, Edward. Don't push me away" she pleaded. How could I argue with her? She was the only beacon of light in the dark place I was in. She was my whole life now.

"I'm not a selfless person. I can't push you away" I admitted. She smiled and brought me back to her chest, stroking my hair and rocking me again. She was pulling out small strands of my hair, and she knew it, but she didn't let me know she was bothered by it.

"What's this?" she asked, pulling a piece of paper from underneath her. It was the song I had written – for her. I felt embarrassment flood my face; it must have been the only colour it had seen it days. She stroked my red cheeks and giggled.

"What is it?" she smirked. I sighed and took it from her hands. It was a really nice song, why was I so nervous to tell her? Why should I be worried about such a trivial thing when mum was dead? I hated being such a fucking teenager. It made me feel sick.

"Just some song…" I said offhandedly, throwing it aside. Bella reached over me and took it back into her hands, reading it strictly.

"This is good, from what I can tell. I don't know how to read much sheet music…"

"It's shit" I lied.

"Do you have lyrics?"

Just what I didn't want her to fucking ask. I couldn't admit to her that it was written for her. To persuade her to sing. She'd feel betrayed, like I was trying to push her into it. I couldn't let her feel that. Not today. I needed her today.

I got lost in the argument going on in my head, until something brought me back. One of the most shocking, yet heavenly noises I had ever heard.

Bella was singing. She was singing quietly, but I could still hear it. The soft, yet strong words flowing out of her mouth in French made my heart almost stop beating. I was afraid to breathe. I was afraid to do anything that might ruin this. This moment; for it may just be the best moment in my life. Her eyes watched mine cautiously as she progressively became louder. The louder she became, the faster goosebumps spread over my skin.

It was like there was an angel sitting across from me on my bed, singing me something sent from the heavens.

Even though I was a strict Atheist, that was the only description for the sound of Bella singing.

When she finished, I realised my jaw had dropped. My eyes were watering. My whole body was quivering.

"Sorry" she said, getting up to leave the room.

"No. Bella" was all I could say. I grabbed her arm and pulled her body to mine, crashing my lips down onto hers, tasting her mouth which had just produced the sweetest song I had ever heard, tasting her beauty. When we parted, she looked surprised, as if she had been expecting me to just laugh at her, to ridicule her.

"You are the most amazing person I have ever met" I managed to say, then pulled her into yet another blissful kiss. We moved back to the bed, our hands a tangle of passion. Touching each other in tender areas. Her breasts, they were more incredible than they looked under that see-through white top, her stomach was warm and soft. I held myself over her, much like I did that time in the school courtyard. Our kissing became faster and more desperate, I moved my hands faster, she moved hers stronger. She pressed her palm against my throbbing erection and I let out a gasp.

She really wanted to have sex. The moisture I could feel spreading across her pants was evidence. But I couldn't – wouldn't – take advantage of her like that on such a terrible and emotional day.

I broke away from her lips and let my hands rest on her stomach. It felt like the hardest thing I'd ever had to do.

"We can't."

"I want to" Bella urged, pressing her hands harder against my erection. I moaned and swore.

"You're not thinking straight."

I was surprised that I, the drunk one, could show an example of such self control, when Bella, the reasonable one, was willing to give herself up to me in an instant.

"And you are thinking straight?" she asked, pursing her lips, "You're the one who's been drinking all day."

Oh. So she noticed that. I let my face morph into a grimace.

"I'm still thinking straighter than you right now" I argued, pushing myself off of her, "You're willing to have sex, right now, during my mother's wake?"

I couldn't hide the hint of anger that laced my voice. Bella flinched the slightest bit and looked at me sadly.

"I thought it would take your mind off of it" she said, sounding defeated.

"Nothing is going to. As much as I want to fuck you, Bella, we can't…"

"I know" she admitted, sitting upright and straightening out her clothes.

I kissed her cheek and stood up, taking her with me. She didn't show any signs of annoyance or anger, even. She just looked sad.

"Want to go back down?" I asked. She shrugged.

"Whatever you want. To me, today is about you."

**

By the end of the wake, if I had to hear the word 'sorry' one more time, I thought I might blow my fucking fuse.

I had to nearly knock Bella out and take her home to make her leave. It took a good hour to persuade her that I would be okay. That I just needed some rest. Truth be told, I did need rest. But I didn't want it. I wanted booze.

I staggered over to the alcohol cabinet, took a full bottle of bourbon in my hands and headed to the bathroom. I turned the faucets in the shower on and adjusted the water so it was really fucking cold. I didn't like heat. I sat down, naked, on the tiled floor and drank until the freezing water had made my skin turn a strange shade of purple. My teeth were chattering and my vision was blurred. Yep, I was on the verge of hypothermia and alcohol poisoning. I got out of the shower, slipping and hitting the wall with my head on the way, and got dressed into boxers and a loose shirt. I made my way to the living room and watched television for the rest of the night. I didn't once fall asleep. Not even for a second.

Bella was knocking at my door at seven am. Who else would it be? I tried to smooth my hair and make myself look less alarming, but it was no use. I opened the door and she gasped.

"Did you sleep at all?" she frowned, touching the sore place on my forehead, which I had hit the night before.

"Yes."

I was good at lying to her. She believed me and burst into the house with arms full of plastic containers.

"What are you doing?"

"We're having breakfast together" she said happily, making her way to the kitchen. I had to stifle a groan. I didn't want to eat. I had no appetite at all. Not once did the thought of eating food enter my mind in the past five days.

Bella started to pull out eggs, bacon and bread from her containers. I shuddered at the thought of digesting that greasy, fatty bacon and eggs. I didn't want to eat them at all.

"Bella. You woke me up" I lied again. My nose was going to be fucking huge by the end of the day.

"Eating is more important" she said, pulling out a pan from the far cupboard.

"I am eating."

Another lie.

"When was the last time you ate? And what was it you ate?" she put the pan aside and rested her hands on her hips. She had that look again. Pursed lips, furrowed brows. She was ticked off.

"Last night, I had…" I hesitated. Bella scoffed.

"Liar."

"I'm not fucking hungry" I growled, "Come back later when I am."

She was going to be late for school. She noticed this too, looking at the clock on the wall. With a sigh, she stowed away the eggs and bacon in my fridge, left the bread on the island and threw the containers in my basin.

"I'll be back after school. And you will be eating" she snapped. I nodded and gave her a fake smile.

"Of course."

She stormed out and left me to my bourbon.