A/N: OK, I enjoyed making this chapter out of all the other ones. I'm not that fond of Vexen except when I consider him comic relief. This, of course and judging by the title of this chapter, is one of those times. And I do think Vexen is as self-centered as I have made him out to be...I mean, what Xion has made him out to be. XD

Disclaimer: I don't own anything at all.

Chapter 4: Vexen the Real Old Guy

Does anyone truly like Vexen? Anybody? Obviously not, or he would be more respected and have the title of Number Two or Three. Two being Xigbar the Freeshooter and Three being Xaldin the Whirlwind Lancer (believe me, the latter is true to his name). So, what is Vexen, you ask? Well, Xemnas dubbed him the Chilly Academic due to his ice power, as well as his leave-me-alone attitude. If you haven't realized this by now, I dislike that old fart. He acts as if he truly knows it all, holding his head up high in the air like a typically arrogant man. Most of the time, he locks himself up in his lab, conducting experiments that no one has ever seen. As far as I can tell, that entirely defeats the purpose. He is just a flat-out weirdo in every sense of the word.

His ranting about his disrespect that others bestow to him incessantly gets old after a while, pardon the pun. The fact of the matter is that he has no idea that his behavior helps give him disrespect. You only get what you give, as everybody knows. And Vexen definitely deserves the treatment he receives. Most of us (except stupid Zexion and, yes, awesome Lexaeus) don't respect the scientist due to his bizarre manner in which he interacts with us.

For example, he will laugh gleefully over a planned experiment that has been going impeccably, which will just freak us out. What a weirdo, I swear! I'm not sure which aspect of Vexen is worse: his eccentric aura or his arrogance. Yes, just because he crafts experiments with his oh-so-superior-to-us brain, he sees himself as higher on the totem pole than he actually is. This assho—erm, dumb know-it-all—keeps telling us of how he should become the Superior, that he should have been the Superior ages ago. Yeah, as if we as a whole would listen to him! I could only imagine how that would turn out. Vexen would order us to assignments; we (at least I) would laugh in his face and tell him to tell us when he finished making Frankenstein II.

To describe him, he has sandy blond hair that falls past his shoulders, making me believe he hasn't had a decent haircut since birth. Seriously, his long hair is way too long. A man usually prefers to keep his hair perfect—that is, if he has an ago to match Vexen's. Then again, almost all the Organization men have flowing tresses. So, if my theory could be proven correct, it would mean they all have low self-esteems. I guess it depends on the guy, right? In Vexen's case, he has the case of too much self-esteem that he can hardly contain the love of himself. As you have probably guessed after I voiced my dislike of him, I have made him mad.

Big surprise, right? I mean, come on, I have to anger people that bother me. If I don't, how else am I going to release my pent-up hatred? OK, I rarely hate. But, I swear, sometimes the inner rage in me can amount to so much...

Studio audience, you now understand that Vexen irks me. What you don't know is why. Why has he ticked me off like this? What has he done?

Well, I'll tell all of you right now, so don't get impatient.

Surprisingly, this tale does not start out with my ever present lust for all types of food, at least the junk stuff. No, it starts out with Larxene intruding my room while I read a novel five hundred pages long.

"Hey, Xion," she called, "apparently that old windbag Vexen informed the Superior to hold an emergency meeting at once!"

I rolled my eyes as I marked the place in my book with a black ribbon.

"I wonder what he thinks is so important that he interrupts a good book," I grumpily pondered. So, off I went to the laboratory, where I figured everyone would be. Oops, my bad! It turned out that I found myself in my destination...though it was entirely vacant.

"Figures," I muttered to myself. "How was I supposed to know he'd leave his damn lab?"

Yeah, in case you didn't get the point by now, I prefer to curse my irritation away. Weird habit, I know, but it serves as effective with me. However, I turned optimistic when I came up with this rad idea of just ditching the meeting to explore this lab. This could be a once-in-a-lifetime chance worth taking. Vexen might never abandon his precious second home ever again after this day. The option of joining the others in the throne room was not possible at this point. A sly smirk curling my lips, I gave myself a personal tour of the place. Jars of pickled things, Petri dishes, Bunsen burners...every scientific item known to man was in this lab.

Actually, Vexen is the only member out of the original six who sticks with his love of science. The other five (especially Zexion, who is huge, cowardly sissy by the way—just so you know) turned their backs on it, remembering what it had given them. Or, more like cursed them with, if you ask me. But, like I said, Vexen's a fruit loop, so I suggest to anyone to ignore him. Now, as I took in the sights of his lab, I wondered what I could use to form the ideal prank, one that would make Axel and Roxas slap themselves and make them go, "Why didn't we come up with that?"

Luckily, I noticed an enormous vat standing in the middle of the room, filled to the brim with a boiling, bubbly liquid. You can see where this is going. Random jar this, a beaker that, and I was on a roll! I just took whatever I could find and poured it into the vat, merely to corrupt the contents previously inside. Sure, sure, I could have devised a less sloppy plot, but I couldn't resist the urge to be messy. As long as I saw Vexen all panicky and flustered, it would be worth the insane mess. After a while, though, I realized that I had to escape the lab before the vat even had a remote chance of exploding. I quickly added one more jar of what looked like squid eyes (eurgh...) before retreating to my room that also served as my hide-out.

Five hours later, I landed in the most humongous trouble I had ever landed myself in my entire non-existence. While I resumed perusing my novel, a loud rapping on the door interrupted me. I knew who it was before I even answered it.

Vexen stood outside my room, fuming with suppressed wrath, obviously discovering my little prank. Inwardly, I cackled with cheeky glee.

"Number Fourteen, you idiot!" he shouted in his whiny, old guy voice. "You destroyed the one beverage that could have granted me eternal youth."

It was all that I could do to stifle my laughter. "O...K, Vex, but I don't see what eternal youth has anything to do with our goal."

He immediately looked affronted. "It has everything to do with it."

I sighed, which caused a stand of my black hair to temporarily float in the air. "Oh, really? Well, in your case, eternal youth would be forever looking like an old guy forever and ever. Now that would suck, wouldn't it?"

Oh, and he exploded into a full-blown lecture after that. He went on and about the vitality of looking young forever, how rejuvenated one would feel, and all that crap. I got bored after a while, especially when Vexen threatened to play snitch to the Superior. Eventually, I shut the door in his face.

"You insolent brat!" he shrieked through the wooden obstruction. "You will regret the opportunity of a lifetime! Do you dare to show such ingratitude toward me?!? I am your elder and—!"

"The weird grandpa I never had, got it," I told him off.

It turned out that Vexen is so unimportant to us, Xemnas decided not to punish me for pranking him. And that really made my day. Better yet, I got to observe the half-amazed, half-jealous faces of Axel and Roxas once I told them my story. I swear I received more respect from those two affable chaps than ever before.

A/N: Ah, eternal youth for Vexen...what a contradiction just like the Starburst commercial. XP Of course, it wasn't out at the time I first wrote this, but oh well. Since my story Heartless Passion is finished, expect to see chapters more often. OK, school'll interfere, but I will ensure to update at least every week as I have been doing.

Next chapter might take a very slightly more serious turn but will hopefully (to you guys) retain the same brand of humor that Xion likes to use. And that brand is unbelievably random. XD