Chapter 12.

Edward.

"Why won't you come tonight?" Alice whined at me. I rolled my eyes at her and did not dignify her with an answer. It was blatantly obvious why I would not be attending Jasper and Emmett's college dorm party tonight. I simply didn't want to. I was fine here, at home, watching movies with Esme or talking medicine with Carlisle. I never got bored of that. Drunken humans and girls throwing up every minute I did get sick of.

Jasper and Emmett were throwing some ridiculous party tonight in an attempt to become closer to the humans sharing their college campus. I, myself, thought it was a waste of time. Humans would always be nervous around us, no matter how many parties of ours they attended. It was unavoidable. It was science. They knew, deep inside, beyond their conscious thoughts, that we were predators. Vampires.

What a boring brother, Alice pouted in her head.

"Alice. Get over it" I sighed. She shot me a glare and stormed out of my room, leaving me with a string of insults in her mind that made me smirk. She was always so insistent about parties and social outings, and she would never accept that I didn't care for them anymore.

I could hear her complaining to Jasper on her cell just minutes later.

"I've seen it: he's not coming to the party" she whined. I heard Jasper's soft reply from the other end of the line.

"He doesn't have to. I just thought it would cheer him up. He's been so down lately, ever since he remembered those small parts about his human life."

"I know" said Alice with a sigh, "I hate to see him like this. I just want him to have fun. He's still a newborn; he should be loving this new life. Instead he's moping around the house like an old man."

"Don't worry, things will get better soon. He can't spend centuries being so depressed."

Or can he? Thought Alice. They each said their goodbyes and soon enough, Alice was back at my door. She didn't bother to come in. She said everything she had to say in her mind.

I'm disappointed that you won't come. Not just for yourself, but for me. I would like to spend some time with you and actually hear that laugh of yours again. And Carlisle; he wants to see you happy too. And Esme…Emmett…Rosalie, even.

"I know" I said quietly from my place on my leather sofa, "But not tonight. Please" I begged. Alice sighed and admitted defeat.

I shut her out as she started to get ready for the party. There was nothing interesting going on in my family's minds, and as immoral as it seemed, I couldn't help but tune into them every now and then. I had learned to steer clear of their thoughts after eight at night, after suffering horribly one night when tapping into Emmett's mind.

It took me a good month to bring myself to look either him or Rosalie in the eye again.

I shot up and quickly put a CD into my stereo. Debussy. I lay down on my sofa and shut my eyes, letting the music drown out the sound of Carlisle's worrying, Esme's concern, Alice's fussing over her makeup…

Regretfully, I allowed my thoughts to roam to what had happened only a few days ago.

I was sitting down for another game of chess with Alice and as I was making a very strategic move with my Queen, a dark cloud seemed to fall over my vision.

I was suddenly in another time and place, with people whose faces were blurred. Their voices fuzzy. Everything about the people was vague, but the feelings inside of me were strong. Despair, worry, fear, anger, shame. I was standing next to a coffin which smelled of flowers and velvet. I looked into it and saw a woman who looked a lot like me. She was the only person I could make out. She was my mother.

I was in another place just moments later. In the arms of somebody whose face was, again, blurred. I was filled with love and hope. She made me feel like a better man. She made me feel wanted, whoever she was.

Another change of scenery. I was on my bed, listening to the most heavenly voice I had ever heard. The one I loved was singing to me, stroking my head as her hot tears fell on my scalp. I felt loved. She gave me hope for life.

One last change. I was drunk, for now everything around me was blurry. I stumbled about and packed a suitcase with a few small items. I remembered this as the time I decided to leave. But why did I leave? I didn't remember anymore. But the feeling I had inside of me now, in this place, told me exactly why. I left to help her, to save her from what I was doing to her. I left her to save her life.

I snapped back to reality and was met with worried thoughts and looks.

Did he have a vision like me?

Edward, my son, are you okay?

Oh! His eyes are open, thank heavens! He's alive!

What the fuck just happened then?

I groaned aloud and had to explain to everybody what happened to me.

Three days later I still wasn't exactly sure. I know I had experienced some kind of flashback of my human life; the parts I didn't remember. I had not known, until then, that I had a mother who had killed herself, or a girl who I loved more than life itself. Ever since then, you could say I have mourned for the mother I do not remember, and the love I left behind.

I also felt guilty, for as a human I was a complete mess.

Violins and soft piano keys rang through my bedroom, and I let myself truly appreciate the subtle excellence of Debussy's works with my heightened sense of hearing.

I spent a good four hours lying on my sofa listening to music until Esme knocked on my door. I already knew what she was going to ask me of course. Sometimes my gift of being able to read minds was indeed a gift, but most of the time it was a curse.

"I'm not going, Esme, I don't feel like it" I said flatly. She came into my room despite my rude tone. She crossed her arms over her chest and, in her mind, remembered what I looked like when I was happy, when I didn't remember the bad things about my past. I saw myself rushing around the Forks forest with Alice, running after elk with Emmett, cracking jokes with Jasper.

"I won't ask anything of you like this again, Edward. Just tonight?"

It's mine and Carlisle's anniversary.

I sat up from my sofa and looked at her thoughtfully. She wanted the house to herself. I wanted to feel like she was just getting rid of me, sending me to this party so she could have some alone time with her husband, but I knew she wasn't. She also craved my happiness. And she really thought that going tonight would change my attitude on life.

I sighed, and Esme took that as my defeat. She clapped her hands together and smiled, gushing loving comments to me through her mind. I gave her a weak smile and she left me to change.

It seemed I was running to Washington tonight, for a party I would rather stab pins in my eyeballs than go to.

**

After halfheartedly getting dressed in dark blue denim jeans and a Forks High sweatshirt, I made my way downstairs to say my goodbyes to Esme and Carlisle. They were seated at the dining table and having a very in depth discussion. I tried my hardest not to listen, but both my gift and my excellent hearing were overwhelming.

"Do you remember that time in the cabin, Carlisle?"

"Just before Rose brought Emmett home, yes" Carlisle quipped as Esme giggled into her hands like a little school girl. She remembered the feeling of Carlisle stroking her cold skin, sweeping his lips across her cheeks. I hit my hand to my face and groaned, trying to drown out the images disturbing my mind.

"I'm leaving" I announced loudly, making an effort to walk as loudly as I could out of the door. I could hear more giggles from my parents as I descended down the driveway and crossed to the forest. It was dark now, so it would be safe to run at full speed.

Before my eyes could adjust, I was whirling past thick shrubs and tall trees as if they were nothing but space. They didn't concern me. If I did happen to collide with anything, I would break through it with ease. That was one of the highlights of being a vampire. I was strong. Stronger than I ever thought possible. I was harder than rock or the sternest of metals.

You could say we were as tough as diamonds. Maybe even tougher. I would have to test out that theory one day.

I weaved in and out of branches and tall rocks until I found myself in Washington. I sped quickly through back yards and eventually clambered up the side of a two story brick house and began to jump across roofs with immense grace.

When I had first learned what I was capable of, I was awed at the grace I could manage when performing the hardest of tasks from a human perspective. Climbing trees, jumping long distances, hunting prey - it was all like a dance, and it was all very easy to a vampire.

Having never actually been to Washington State before, I paused momentarily on the sloped roof of a small house to ponder where to go next. With a few scans of people's minds, I was able to sense, very faintly, the thoughts of those at my brother's party. I caught the sound of throbbing techno music and the smell of human sweat, and soon I was standing in the trees surrounding the courtyard. I assumed Jasper's room was here somewhere; I just had to figure out which one.

I tilted my head and drew in a very sharp breath through my nose. I could smell the familiar scents of my vampire siblings, and something new. Human. I had, of course, smelled humans before. Each human's blood had a different smell, but to me they had started to become much the same. They all had that metallic pang at first, settling to something sweet and sickly after overcoming the coppery scent. But this. This was…

This was food. Human or not; I wanted it.

Flowery and sweet. Sweet and flowery. Flowers. Sweet flowers. Flowery sweets.

The two words rushed through my mind in all way possible. It was all I could think of. Nothing else mattered.

I felt my mouth begin to pool with venom. I wanted this blood; and no college party was going to stop me.

I transformed from composed vampire to monster within moments. I crouched behind a tree and waited, as the smell was becoming more and more pungent. My throat became dry at the very thought of drinking that sweet blood. A fire raged in my mouth, just begging to be extinguished.

Jesus. She's fallen over. Blood. She's bleeding. Keep it together, Jasper. Keep it together…

I hadn't been paying attention to the words being spoken aloud just across the courtyard, but when Jasper's voice swam through my head I straightened up. An internal war raged through me at the scent of the fresh blood just meters away. I could easily take the human. Would the others punish me that thoroughly? I doubted they would, when I was still technically a newborn. I had only ever killed twice before this, and that was as soon as I had awoken after the change. It barely counted. I was unreasonable.

Just like I was becoming now.

I was stronger and faster than Jasper. I could disorientate him and drink the human's blood faster than he could get back to me and pull me away. Yes. That was a plan that couldn't fail.

I had made my decision. I was going to kill tonight.

It all happened very quickly. I took in the smell of the human's spilled blood and let the burning in my throat drive me to saunter forwards. At first, I was certain I would be killing my prey quickly, silently and with the least fuss possible. I could see now with Jasper darting towards me that this was not going to be the case.

I spread my legs out and waited to take him on. He ran at me with full force and crashed into me, sending me cascading to the ground. I was up before Jasper, and I grabbed him by the shoulders, holding him up to my face. I snarled at him. At my own brother.

I wasn't Edward Cullen any longer. I was a bloodthirsty animal who wouldn't stop until he had killed and drained his prey of all that sweet blood. I could hear the human whimpering in the background. She was a girl. Pity.

"Don't do this, Edward" Jasper snarled. I allowed my lips to curl up in a devilish smile that I knew he could see. I said nothing.

"Edward! You are not a monster. You're better than that!" he yelled into my face, venom spraying my skin. My eyes darkened and I threw my brother to the ground, causing the earth around our feet to shake and groan under the force of my throw.

"I need this" I hissed quietly, darting forwards and pinning Jasper up against a tree. It creaked under our weights and eventually gave way. I fell on top of Jasper, spraying my own venom in his face through growls.

He couldn't change my mind. I would kill him if I had to. I needed the girl's blood on my tongue.

He needs Carlisle. I can't stop him.

"That's right" I said to Jasper, having read his mind, "You can't stop me."

I will try. His voice in my head sounded determined and strong. I threw my head back and laughed shrilly at his weak threats. In my temporary lapse of concentration, Jasper placed both his palms on my chest and pushed me backwards. I went flying into trees, each of them snapping upon meeting my hard body.

I was shocked, more than injured, as I finally fell to the ground in a heap. Before I could gain my composure, Jasper had me in his grip. I tried to wriggle out, but it was useless. It seemed Jasper had more strength than he ever showed.

This was all wasting time, I realised. The girl was most likely crawling away in fear, leaving me fighting my own brother for nothing. No, I would not let her escape.

"LET ME GO!" I roared at Jasper, digging my teeth into his cheek. He cried out in pain and shock, leaving me with the opportunity to belt him repeatedly in the stomach and throw him carelessly to the ground like I had not so long before.

He didn't move, so I turned to the courtyard and ran at my full speed to the source of the blood I craved so dearly. I ran straight into her; her bony shoulder striking my in the temple as I did. To a human, this may have knocked them out or caused permanent brain damage. But to me, it just left a fuzzy blue haze clouding my vision. I had other senses, so there was no need to fret.

I moved closer to her face, hearing her heart rate speed up dangerously and her breathing turn to sharp gasps. Her breath tasted so good on my tongue. Venom gathered in my mouth, prepared to immobilize my victim.

"Hello, sweetie" I cooed in the most pleasant voice I could muster. I could hear her heart racing faster than I had heard any human's before. She would surely die from severe cardiac arrest, rather than by my hands.

"Wh-wh-wh…" she stuttered. Her voice was familiar and it caused me to hesitate for a moment. Where had I heard that voice before? Surely not in my vampire life, for I would have killed her on sight. Maybe back in my human days…

But I couldn't let that distract me, when I was so close to victory.

She was still whimpering and stuttering, so I played with her mind a little more. Just for the fun of it. If I was going to kill her, I might as well do it properly.

"Hush now, human. Screaming will only cause a fuss" I said lethally, leaning into the crook of her neck. I could smell the blood flowing under her skin. It drove me insane.

She gasped and started to cry. I could smell the salt of her tears.

I pressed my lips to her neck in one last tease, and it was then I remembered everything.

**

Bella Swan. My Bella. My gorgeous, funny, caring girlfriend. The one who kept me barely sane after my mother, Elizabeth Masen had killed herself. I remembered her scent as I smelled it when I was human. It still had that flowery smell, but now it was mixed with the mouth-watering nectar that was her blood. I hesitated with my lips still pressed against her neck. I blinked my eyes a few times, hard, and soon the fuzziness sank away.

I could see her ivory skin, her long hair stuck to her neck with a nervous layer of sweat. This was my love, and I was about to kill her.

I wanted dearly to pull away. I wanted to apologize and pull her to my chest. I wanted to kiss her softly, show her I still cared.

But the problem was that I couldn't tear myself away from her neck. I couldn't stop what was coming. My head and my heart screamed out no, but everything else about me; my reflexes, my instinct and the venom in my mouth, they all screamed yes. It turned out the yes was louder than the no, and I parted my lips against her skin.

She was shaking and crying, and if I could cry I would have. Despair and pain ripped at my heart and I pressed my razor sharp teeth to her skin. The slightest push and I would taste her blood. And as soon as I did, I had no hope in hell of stopping.

"I'm sorry" I choked out, my words muffled by her skin in my mouth. I started to clamp down, but before I could rip into her skin, I was pulled back with a force that caused my shirt to rip basically to shreds.

"Edward!" cried out Alice from a short distance away. She ran past me and straight to Bella, taking her into her small arms and running away into the forest. I didn't even try to run after them. I was glad I had been stopped.

But yet, I was so disappointed, so fucking angry.

Emmett and Rose were holding me; grasping one of my arms each. They shot each other nervous looks and I tuned into their minds.

Where the fuck is Jasper?

How could he DO this! I was right about him all along. When I get my hands on Carlisle…Oh my God! Where's Jasper?

I sighed at them both and nodded in the direction of the small patch of trees that Jasper and I had fought in. Rosalie gestured for Emmett to take full hold of me, and she disappeared behind the trees.

It wasn't long before she came back, dragging Jasper along with her. He had a tired look on his face, and I could see the large scar on his cheek that I was responsible for, but apart from that it was completely blank.

I failed, he kept saying in his head, I failed.

"You didn't fail" I said aloud, my voice raspy and strained. Jasper looked up at me and his eyes showed no anger, no hate, no anything. In his mind, it was a different story.

I'm a failure. I couldn't even protect one human. My friend. I failed.

I slumped down to the ground and pressed my face to my arm. I wished I could have cried, or done anything to express the remorse and self-hatred that was swelling in my chest at that moment. Everyone's thoughts pounded through my skull and I wanted to bash my head against the nearest wall until they went away.

Rosalie was planning her assault on Carlisle when we got home for ever bringing me into their home, Emmett was disappointed in me and Jasper…Jasper hated himself.

He needed to know that he wasn't the failure. I was.

I barely noticed Rose chatting on the phone quietly as I continued to wallow in my dark feelings. She snapped the phone shut and said my name in a tone that was so icy, I almost shuddered.

"Edward."

I looked up and said nothing. Of course, I knew what she was going to say, so I pushed myself up off the ground and let Emmett lead me home. We all went; the four of us. Nobody wanted to miss my punishment and nobody trusted me to go home. They all thought I would spring free at any moment to finish the job I had started.

I groaned aloud and make a soft, choking noise that I supposed would have been accompanied by tears if I had the means.

We ran, Emmett still holding onto me for dear life, all the way back to our large home in Forks. Carlisle and Esme were waiting at the front with serious and shocked looks on their faces. We slowed to a small jog and approached them hesitantly.

"Edward Cullen" said Esme, looking at her feet, "I…" she broke off into tearless sobs and turned back into the house. Carlisle did not speak aloud.

You, my son, have failed.

With that, I was taken inside and kept a watch on all night, as if I were the most dangerous creature in the galaxy.

I deserved it all.

I was a disgusting excuse for a vampire.

A/N: See? Bella wasn't bitten. Thanks to Leah for the quick beta job, and SMeyer for supplying such awesome characters. I'm really having fun with this fic. Review? I would like to hear your thoughts; it could help me battle through my crippling Writer's Block.

A quick explanation about Carlisle. He is very passionate about protecting humans, as is Esme. They are horrified and disappointed at Edward that night. To top it all off, he almost killed Jasper. Wouldn't you be a little pissed, too?