Chapter 14.

Edward.

After a few days I had started to become myself again. It's a shame that I wasn't sure of whom exactly that person was anymore. Edward Cullen or Masen? Was I a selfish alcoholic with no hope in life, or was I a vampire in love; one who regretted everything that he had done in his past, and hoped to make amends?

It would be easier being the alcoholic.

But I was given a second chance. And I was going to make use of that. I didn't – no, I couldn't - disappoint my family again. That's why I asked Jasper up to my room so I could speak with him.

"What is it, Edward?" he asked. Through his mind and his tone I could tell he still held some hostility towards me, but I knew I could change that if I really wanted to. He and I had always been very close. He was the brother I wanted so dearly in my human life.

"I would like to apologize" I said seriously, looking Jasper straight in the eye, "I have never said it, but I am sorry. If I could, I would take back everything I did that night. I never really wanted to hurt Bella. Or you."

"I wasn't angry that you hurt me. I was angry that you were going to kill my friend" he said stiffly.

"Bella is your friend?"

"For a mind reader, you're not very perceptive, Edward."

"You're right."

"You wanted anything else?" he asked, sounding bored. I couldn't help but feel a little hurt at this. I had put myself out there, and Jasper was completely shutting me out. I did deserve it, but didn't I also deserve a second chance with him? Two years of brotherhood couldn't simply be lost over one mistake. It just couldn't.

"Do you accept my apology first?" I asked.

Do I? He was near to killing me, and there's no doubt that he would have. And he would've killed Bella. He would have ruined everything for himself, and for our family. But we've all had our temporary loss of control, and I suppose Edward's had his. Maybe it will all be over now. He's my brother; I can't hate him forever.

I listened quietly to Jasper's thoughts. He was having a whole argument with himself. He wanted to forgive me, but he was so protective of our family. His family. They were his relatives longer than they were mine.

"I forgive you" he said finally, "But I suppose you already know that."

"You know, I didn't. I stopped paying attention" I admitted.

"You can do that?"

"Only recently. I get so consumed by my own thoughts that I have no awareness of the hundred voices in my head as well."

"That's talent, man."

I smiled at him. He returned it and we stepped forward into a brotherly hug. It was a rare moment that filled me with joy I had not felt in days.

"I did want something else" I said finally. Jasper laughed.

"I knew you would."

I took a deep breathe, out of habit more than anything else, "Talk to Bella for me."

"No."

I sighed. I knew he would say this. But I had a plan.

Alice came through the door.

My plan had arrived.

Oh, no came Jasper's voice in my head. I didn't smirk or laugh. This was a serious issue, and I was lucky that Alice had agreed to help me. I, the spectator, stood back and watched the couple argue. All for me. Alice would argue with her husband for me.

I didn't deserve her kindness or dedication.

"Jasper" she said quietly.

"I can't do that to her" he snapped, "I've hurt enough humans in the past."

"You won't be hurting her."

"I may as well be. Who knows what he would do?"

"I know."

"You're visions are subjective, Alice. There's no way of being completely sure that he won't rip her head off as soon as he sees her!"

"I will be watching."

"And who's to say he won't do to you what he did to me?"

I decided that I couldn't go on being a spectator any longer. It was almost as if they had forgotten I was there, and I needed to make an input.

"I'm to say" I said loudly after clearing my throat.

Can we trust him?

"Jasper. You can trust me."

"How do you know you're ready?"

"I just do."

"You wouldn't have known you were ready if Alice hadn't told you of her vision."

"True. But I am ready."

"I won't do it, Edward. Alice, please don't make me do this."

"Nobody is making you do anything, Jasper" Alice said quietly, offering him a small, sad smile.

Jasper wasn't reassured by us. He was too doubtful of me, which was understandable. But both Alice and I knew the real reason he was so hesitant. Jasper hadn't always been a 'good' vampire. I had learned this one night when listening to his thoughts. I tried to pull away, but they dragged me in and consumed me for a good hour or two.

Jasper was once a fierce nomadic vampire, traveling on his lonesome, killing humans every day. He felt no guilt at the time, but one day when he held a small girl in his arms, dead, he finally woke up to himself. Ever since then, he has felt like he is always in debt to whatever greater power looks over us. He has always felt the need to be kind to everyone, even humans, unless they give him a proper reason not to be.

I feared that if it weren't for Alice, Jasper would be a wreck. Or maybe he wouldn't even be here.

Alice and I waited for him to speak. All the while, my mind was reeling with his thoughts. Alice's would occasionally push through. She was worried for him. She was nervous of his answer, and hoping that she hadn't upset him too much. He was everything to her.

"If you hurt her. Leave. Never come back. Do you understand how serious this is?" he asked me finally. I nodded slowly.

"I won't let any of you down again, Jazz."

"Let's hope not" he said bitterly. I knew perfectly well that I was pushing the boundaries of our fragile relationship, but it had to be done. There was no way I could continue on with my existence having never given Bella another try, having never given myself another chance.

I couldn't be such a heartless creature if I held so much remorse for what I did, could I? That certainly meant that I deserved to see Bella again. Hopefully.

Alice beamed at the both of us and walked off looking satisfied.

They'll be back to normal in no time.

I wasn't sure if she was thinking about Jasper and me, or Bella and me. I had a feeling she meant both.

One thing, though, was a certainty. I would be seeing Bella Swan again. This time I would not try to kill her. This time I would treat her as a person, and I would act like one.

Bella.

I was confused. I was hurting. I was upset. I was angry. I was helpless.

And I was more.

I had never been so filled with emotion, thoughts, feelings. Not even when he left me. I walked around the campus numbly, not really knowing where I was going or who I was talking to. My body acted yet my mind was always elsewhere.

"Thank you, class. I would like and essay exploring the modern influence of Shakespeare handed in tomorrow morning. Two thousand to three thousand words. No more, no less. You should find all you need in the notes you have no doubt been taking. You are dismissed."

I snapped my head up from my paper and was pulled back to reality by the sound of student chatter and laughter. I had zoned out of a whole session. I was startled to see the notebook underneath my hands was filled with notes.

I was too upset to even appreciate the immense talent that would be required to subconsciously take notes on Shakespeare. I sighed a heavy sigh and closed my notebook. I would struggle with the set essay all night that night, I just knew it. Like every night since my encounter with Edward Cullen, I had not slept a wink. I would lie in bed fuming about the son of a bitch who left me, then proceeded to try and kill me.

What was worse was that I wasn't even sure if it was real or not. The Cullens had disappeared. They weren't at college.

Maybe they never even existed.

I would be one hundred percent sure that the whole fiasco was a delusion if Jessica Stanley wasn't whinging to me about 'that Rosalie bitch' day in, day out. I wanted her to shut her mouth. I wanted it all to have been a dream, a hallucination. I hoped to God that I would wake up soon, and I would be back in Forks living my simple life with Charlie as my only friend.

I walked back to my room and sat down on my bed wearily. I was severely lacking sleep. It didn't take an idiot to see that. The bags that had accumulated underneath my eyes were a sign of my distress. Even Jessica had asked if I was feeling okay. When that happened, it was time to take action.

I looked up Jasper's email on the college database. I sucked in a deep breath and opened up my emails on the outdated computer that Jessica and I shared.

My breath caught as I tried to construct an email that would not make me seem like an escaped mental patient.

Hi Jasper.
I know you're a vampire. Your whole family is. And your brother, who is funnily enough my ex, tried to kill me the other night. First, I would like to thank you for saving me. Second, I would like to meet the vampire who cannot control his thirst for blood around me. If you could set up this meeting, it would be greatly appreciated.
Regards, Bella.

Right. There was no way in hell that this email would sound the least bit realistic. I was emailing a vampire, after all.

I hadn't had much time to even start thinking about vampires existing. My thoughts had been centered around Edward, and only Edward. Can you blame me? I thought he was dead. I hoped he was dead.

I was mad enough at the fact that he had left me without any notice, and that he felt he could prance around Washington with no remorse. But the fact he was no longer human? That he was a predator, designed to kill people like me? That had barely crossed my mind.

And now that it did, I found myself hyperventilating at the computer. My chest was tight and I wasn't sure if it was because I wasn't getting enough air, or because I was having an anxiety attack. It could have very well been a mixture of both.

Jessica came through the door at possibly the worst time imaginable. I had tears in my eyes, I was clutching my chest as though experiencing a heart attack, I was doubled over on the computer desk and I was sobbing violently.

She just looked at me.

I didn't care what she thought. She was insignificant. She was food. We all were.

Vampire fodder.

"Bella?" she asked, raising a freshly plucked eyebrow.

I sobbed even more. How could she even think I was capable of words at a time like this?

"Bella. Breathe."

She sounded upset herself, and that could be because I was making her feel uncomfortable. Or maybe she was genuinely concerned for my wellbeing.

The first option seemed more likely.

"Bella. You're scaring me."

First one. Definitely the first one.

I didn't answer her for a good few minutes. Instead, I continued my sobbing and gasping for air. When I finally gathered my senses, Jessica was shifting her feet around the floor nervously.

"What just happened?"

"I got some bad news from home" I lied. What was I supposed to say? Vampires are real? The guy you want drinks blood?

"I hope everything is...uh, okay" she said awkwardly. I nodded as pleasantly as I could.

She turned her back on me to sit at her vanity. I could see she wanted me gone, so I turned off the computer, grabbed my bag and my class notes and walked out of the door as quickly as I could. To be honest, I wanted to get out of there too.

I walked down the stairs carefully and found myself standing in the middle of the courtyard. Where it all happened. Even though it was dark at the time, and it was light now, I felt a shiver run up my spine. Flashes of the night hit me fast and hard.

Edward slamming into me.

Edward pressing his lips to my neck.

Edward sobbing.

Edward taunting.

A sudden dizziness came over me and I had to stumble over to the nearest bench to avoid falling over.

"Got a minute?" asked a voice I didn't want to hear. I closed my eyes tight and hoped he would go away because if I saw him, it would mean it was definitely all real. Vampires, Edward, Alice. The whole night.

"No" I said through my tight jaw. My eyes stayed shut.

"Bella."

The way he said my name brought a feeling of calm to me. I opened my eyes and peered at him. Yes. There he was. Jasper Hale.

"May I have a seat?" he asked. I looked at him warily and gestured lazily with my hand to the spot beside me. Jasper smiled and took a seat.

"Nice view" he said, staring out to the thick trees surrounding the courtyard. He was stalling. Or maybe preparing me.

"What do you want?" I asked sharply.

"I think there are a few things that need clearing up."

"I think I understand everything perfectly."

"You don't."

He sounded passionate. Serious. Determined.

"Amuse me, then."

"He didn't know it was you until he was too far under."

"Under what?"

"He was dragged under, into this kind of hole where nothing exists but his need for blood" he explained, while I stared ahead blankly.

I said nothing.

"And when he realized what he was going to do, who he was going to do it to, he fell apart."

"Good on him" I said venomously.

"He didn't eat for days afterward. He didn't come out of his room. He wouldn't look any of us in the eye until last night."

"See? He got over it" I said. I was disappointed that he didn't spend longer in his exile. I wanted him to feel bad. I could only imagine what Edward would be doing now. Drinking blood? Laughing? Joking around?

Was it wrong of me to want him to experience a little pain? Just a fraction of what I went through?

"He isn't over it. His hope was just restored."

I snorted.

"He doesn't deserve hope."

"I used to think that, too. He almost killed me as well, did you know?"

"No. I didn't."

I wanted to cry. My throat tightened and I felt the familiar stinging of my eyes. But I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't show weakness.

Edward wasn't getting another chance.

"Alice had a vision of the two of you talking."

"Did she? Well, it was wrong."

"She could be. It depends on your decision."

"Mine?"

"You don't have to forgive him. Just talk to him, hear him out. You may very well forgive him, or you may hate him even more. At least you both tried."

I sat in silence, staring into Jasper's golden eyes in deep thought. Did I want to hear Edward out? Would I completely fall for him again, or would I scold him? I wasn't sure of what I would do around him. I wasn't sure of anything, lately.

"He could kill me."

"He's very strong-willed. He won't kill you if he doesn't want to, now that he knows who you are."

"Why are you defending him?" I asked. After all, he had just said that Edward had almost killed him. What for? A measly human. Food. Nothing special.

"I realized that I care for him enough to give him another chance" he said honestly. I could see no deceit in his beautiful eyes. He meant every word he said.

"Do you think I should see him?"

"I didn't at first. I couldn't stand it if he killed you; you're my friend. It would be partially my fault if he did. And it would be placing our whole secret at risk."

I considered his words as he stared out to the trees.

"But now I think you should. If not to hear him out, then maybe for him to hear you out. I've no doubt you're itching to have a few shots at him. Could you at least grant yourself that?"

He was right. I wanted to yell and scream at Edward for hours.

But was it worth seeing him again? Was it worth subjecting myself to my one weakness?

I wasn't sure.

The thing about my whole life was that I never took chances. And the few times I did, they all inevitably ended in heartache.

I took a chance when I sat with Edward under the tree for the first time. I took a chance when I told Edward I loved him. I took that last, fatal chance when I told Edward he would be sent away.

Was I stupid enough to take another?

The answer was yes. I was stupid enough to take another chance with Edward. I was stupid enough to give him the chance to explain himself.

**

Jasper had told me that Edward was only a few minutes away, and that I should go back to my room and do something to dull my scent. It made me nervous, having to make such preparations. I hastily scrubbed Jessica's blueberry soap on my skin under the shower. I used her perfume. I wore a large black cloak and jeans I had never worn. I tied my hair back and tried to smell as un-Bella as possible. But I didn't know what I smelled like, so it was a hard task.

After twenty minutes I was satisfied with both my smell and my appearance. I had applied a small amount of mascara and some strawberry lip gloss, mainly so I wouldn't gnaw my lip off.

Why did I care so much about what I looked like? It was Edward. I didn't love him anymore, so why should I have cared? I couldn't answer my own questions, so I left my room without another thought. Who cared. There was a possibility I would be killed soon enough.

I walked down the stairs and looked up. He was there. I couldn't help but let a small tear fall down my cheek. He looked so sad. So broken.

The old Bella spoke up and told me to run to him, jump into his arms and kiss him all over. The new Bella told her to shut her mouth and go back to the hole she was hiding in, because she wasn't wanted or needed today. And that was true.

He was standing right next to the bench Jasper and I had been at not so long ago. A gust of wind blew past me and he instantly stiffened.

His fists were clenched, his nostrils flared and his lips thin. I froze, wondering if he could really control himself. I was relieved to find that he had not yet tried to rip me apart.

When he looked up at me I looked straight back down at my feet. I didn't know how I would react to those eyes. They were his, but they weren't.

I decided it would be better to show him I was strong, to let him know that he wasn't my weakness.

Though he was. But he didn't need to know.

I looked up and met his black eyes. I concentrated so hard on setting a serious look on my face that I thought I might explode. When I reached him, his eyes turned soft, however dark and evil they seemed. It was easy to tell that he still had feelings for me. It was either that or he was thinking about drinking my blood.

"I'm glad..." he cut off, furrowing his perfectly shaped eyebrows at me. I had reached the end of the stairs and was now standing just a few meters away. I could smell him. He smelled like Edward, but so much sweeter. It almost made my mouth water.

No. I couldn't get mixed up in his beauty. He was heartless. He left me. He tried to kill me.

"I can't read you" he said as his eyes widened. They were still that dark black that sent warning signs to my brain. It told me to run and never look back.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I can't read you" he repeated.

"I don't have time for this, Edward" I sighed. That was a lie; I had a lot of time, I just couldn't be bothered with his confusing remarks. I wanted to get this over with.

He looked surprised by my hostility, but sped up our conversation nonetheless.

"I would like to apologize. For everything that I have ever done to harm you, or upset you. I know it doesn't change anything, but I hope it will give you some peace of mind, knowing that I regret every single thing I ever did to you."

I almost laughed aloud. He wanted to give me peace of mind? Not likely. I could see right through him. He wanted peace of mind. He wanted to be at ease. He only wanted my apology so he could get on with his life.

"You mean it will give you some peace of mind" I observed loudly. He sighed, letting his stiffness float away. He was hunched over. He looked defeated.

"I can't take back what I did to you, but I wish every day and night that I could. I know you've moved on, and I know you hate me. I just need you to know that I never meant to hurt you. I need you to see that I did it for your safety. I was going to die, and I didn't want you to see me so broken."

I had to scoff at his pathetic excuse for an apology.

He was pathetic. Everything he was saying was pathetic. And here I was, thinking he might have actually been sorry. I could see then that it was just an act. He just wanted me to forgive him.

It wasn't going to happen. Not in a million years.