Chapter 15.
Edward.
She wasn't going to forgive me. It was obvious.
I was elated by the fact she had agreed to join me, and the conversation between us had gone almost exactly as it had in Alice's vision. But there was one small difference.
I couldn't read her mind.
It was stupid and unobservant of me to not have picked it up already. I tried to listen into her mind, to get a grasp of where she was at, but there was nothing.
I wanted so dearly to know what was running through her beautiful mind. I needed to know what she thought of me, where she was planning on letting this go, how long she would stay here and listen to what I had to say.
"Sorry will never fix what I have done to you."
"Too right" she mumbled, kicking at the ground with her left boot.
"But maybe, with time, it won't be as bad..."
"You're quite confident of that, aren't you?" she snapped. I suppose I was. I had been confident that she would at least grant me time. But not anymore. I could see that the argument I had constructed would be thrown back into my face like nothing more than a piece of trash.
And, truth be told, I knew I deserved every bit of it. I deserved every harsh word she dealt me, every glare, every cruel thought.
I had to breathe again. Something I didn't enjoy doing around Bella.
Technically, vampires need not breathe. But to speak, to smell; it was a necessity. And I could no longer continue conversing with Bella without air in my lungs.
As soon as I breathed in my body called out for me to kill her. Every sensory organ throbbed with the burning pain of her scent. I could feel it tickling my skin, itching the inside of my nose, burning in my throat.
She must have noticed my struggle for she backed up a few more meters. I was scaring her.
"It's okay, Bella" I assured her.
"It's Isabella to you" she snarled, "And how am I supposed to believe you?"
"I don't know. It's hard, I admit. But I am coping. Better than I thought..."
Bella looked at me with such an intense anger I almost pinned her as a vampire herself.
"Better than you thought?" she shrieked, throwing her hands up into the air, "So you weren't sure of how things would go. You weren't certain of you will power? You put me at risk, AGAIN!"
She was howling at me, spitting words at me like I was a common felon.
"I needed to see you."
"I didn't need to see you, Edward. I was doing fine until you came along. I was rebuilding my life..." she sobbed, but covered it up nicely with a growl. Her eyes were flaming, her hair whipping around her face in the wind. She looked a bit deranged, if anything. I found myself fearing her.
The vampire was fearing the human.
The predator was fearing its prey.
She continued.
"And what excuse do you have for that? 'I did it for you.' Bullshit you did it for me. You did it for yourself. You were feeling guilty, and you couldn't stand it any longer. You left. You left because you were too goddamn selfish to stay with me and let me help you out!"
She stopped to suck in air.
I was too shocked to do anything, let alone breath myself. Here was my Bella. She was standing right before me. She looked just like she used to, maybe even more gorgeous than I remembered her. Yet she hated me. She despised me.
Things had changed over two years, and it was all because of me. She was right.
"That may have been a part of it" I said evenly, trying not to portray the dark emotions which were slowly engulfing me, "But don't ever doubt that I wasn't think of your wellbeing, too. I didn't want to drag you down any longer."
"That's the biggest cop out I have ever heard, Edward Masen" she spat.
"Cullen" I corrected her without thinking of the consequences. She didn't need any more change than she was already experiencing. And it seemed I had just put the icing on her very fragile cake.
It collapsed.
"That just proves it, then! You're not who you used to be. You are not the person I loved! You're not even a person. Oh...my God...you're a vampire. You tried to kill me. And worse, you left me! That was worse than death, Edward Cullen. Worse than death. I didn't know what happened to you. I didn't know what to think. It ripped Charlie's heart apart. It ripped mine apart. And you've done it again. Can't you just stay out of my life? I don't want you back. I don't need you. Leave!"
She was screaming at me without taking any breaths. I could hear her heart straining in her chest. Her face was turning red.
"Bella. Breathe" I said sternly. She blinked at me and sucked in another deep breath. Her heart returned to normal, but her face was still red. I had no doubt that it was anger, and no longer lack of oxygen that caused the pink tinge.
"Leave" she said icily.
"I can't" I argued.
"Why? What's keeping you here? Me? That's ridiculous. I couldn't keep you the first time, why now?"
So many questions, my head was spinning.
"Because I was too messed up last time. I had two options. I chose the wrong one. It was a mistake."
"Oh, that's great. It was a mistake. I suppose I just need to forgive you now and we will live happily ever after?"
I groaned. Maybe it would be best if I did leave Bella, or Washington altogether. I was sure that my family wouldn't mind moving a few years early.
But I didn't progress all of this way to give up on Bella. I would stand my ground, as fragile as it was.
"I won't give up on you. I love you."
"What you feel isn't love" she snapped, "If you ever loved me you would have stayed."
"But I left because I love you" I said, almost in hysterics. I didn't care about showing my emotions anymore. I just needed Bella, and I needed her to understand.
"That wasn't love, Edward!" she shouted, "If you loved me, truly loved me, you would have stayed. You would have pushed aside your guilt and put me first! That's what love is. You put the ones you love before anyone or anything else. That's what I did for you for weeks. I spent every free hour taking care of you! I threw away my life for you! And you thank me by running away? No. That was never love. Lust, maybe. Maybe I was just a friend to you. Maybe you confused love with something less intense. Call it anything you want except...love."
"This isn't the end" I whispered, turning to run off. I heard Bella shout out to me but I was already long gone, racing through the thick forest towards home.
**
The next few days I spent alone. I hadn't returned home. My family knew where I was, or at least, Alice was informed. They had no need to worry, not really. I just needed time alone. I needed to figure myself out.
Was Bella right? Did I ever truly love her?
She had made me doubt myself. Like I had done to her two years ago.
So this was how defeat felt.
I had experienced defeat before, but I vaguely recalled it. I wondered if I ever really felt it. Surely I was so drunk so frequently, that most of the time I barely felt a thing.
If I could have had my way, I would have fallen to the grass and lay there until I died. Not only because I would have been easier for me, but for Bella. It would fix everything.
But was I ready to give up hope, after all the steps I had taken just to see Bella again?
No. I had decided, after a good seventy eight hour break, that I would return with a new game plan.
I would befriend Bella.
I would seduce Bella.
I would have my Bella back again, one way or the other. No matter what dire lengths I would have to go to, no matter how hard I had to try, she would be mine again. I would prove to her that I loved her with everything I had, even if I wasn't the same Edward as I was back then.
Even if I was no longer human.
A snap in the trees behind me startled me. Once again, I had been so absorbed by my own thoughts, that I had completely abandoned the quiet whir of thoughts penetrating my mind.
I couldn't hear anything. I tried my hardest, focusing all of my energy on the figure behind me. From the sound, I guessed it was at least two hundred meters away. But that was still too close for my liking.
It could have just been an animal. If I was lucky, it would be a stray lion or bear. I had grown tired of the bland taste of elk blood. I was in need of a hearty sort of blood.
Taking in a deep gust of air through my nostrils, I smelled it instantly. I whipped around and crouched down in the tall, dark green grass. I narrowed my eyes and readied myself for what was approaching.
Vampire.
I had to rely on my sensory organs in this instance, for I was unable to read its mind. Like Bella, it was completely blank. Usually there was at least a small buzzing, or a few words. Some people were harder to read than others.
But with Bella, and now this vampire, it was a void. Silence I had never experienced in my whole life. It was unsettling.
I could smell the overbearing sweetness that only came from a vampire coming nearer. I could hear the soft footsteps smack the grass carefully.
The vampire had notice me, too.
I studied the opening just ahead of me. Two very tall trees stood tall, covering the opening in a thin layer of foliage. I watched at the ready for a few more seconds until I saw it.
Her.
A woman, now vampire, standing behind the veil of leaves. She was staring at me, as I was at her.
I shifted slightly in my place. I was nervous. I had never been so vulnerable. Not knowing whether she was going to attack or not brought on an anxiety I had not felt in years. I feared for my life. More-so than that, I feared that I may never see Bella again. Her laugh. Her eyes. Her hair.
"Who are you?" the female vampire asked from afar. She had barely spoken, of course, but I could hear her perfectly.
"I am Edward Cullen. I reside not too far from here, in Forks."
"Nice to meet you, Edward Cullen" she said in a genuinely friendly tone. I stood up slowly so I would not alarm her, and she proceeded towards me at light speed.
She was in front of me in a second.
"And who are you?" I asked, eyeing her body language warily. She wasn't showing any signs of stress or worry, though I was lacking observation skills after relying on my talent for so long.
She could very well be planning my death, and I would be none the wiser.
"You can call me Rachel" she smirked, moving closer towards me. She looked to be in her late twenties. She had dimples and a kind face. I would almost say she was beautiful, if it weren't for her frightening red eyes. They were red as blood, and no wonder, since she probably fed off humans twice a day.
"And where are you from?"
"I am from wherever I want to be" she laughed, "I do not maintain a personal residence, as is the style currently" she added bitterly.
So my family weren't the only ones living among humans?
"I mean you no harm" she added, reaching out a hand to my face, "But if it is not too forward to say, you are one striking creature."
"Aren't we all?" I asked sarcastically.
She smirked again. That same cheeky smirk that I recognised from somewhere else. I couldn't think of where from.
"Not all of us. Some of us are plain. Beautiful, yes, to humans. But plain in my eyes. You – you stand out. You have a beauty beyond any male vampire I have ever seen."
"I wish I could say thank you, but I do not find that a very gracious compliment."
"And why not?"
"Our looks are tools to help us kill. You are saying that I have excellent killing tools, and I am no killer."
"You misunderstand my intentions. I was merely admiring your unique looks."
"And I accept that, but am not humbled by it."
"If you say so" she shrugged, looking up at the sky as if in deep thought. I found myself clenching my fists in frustration to hear her mind. I didn't trust her at all.
"Are you alone?" she asked, allowing her eyes to dart around the thick circle of trees surrounding us.
"For the time being, yes."
"Lucky you" she mused.
"You're not alone?"
"No. My...partner should be along soon. He was just finishing off his lunch" she smiled widely at her last comment, showing blood-stained teeth. It made me feel sick, frankly.
"I should go" I said, moving towards the opening in the trees. I didn't want to stay with her until her 'partner' arrived. That would mean more vampires to worry about. More threats to my safety.
And I couldn't have that. I needed to return safely to my family, my home, my Bella.
"Leaving so soon?" asked a male voice from behind me. I turned around quickly to see a man who must have been Rachel's partner standing tall, licking his fingers obnoxiously.
"I have matters to attend to" I said stiffly.
There's something strange about this one. Nervous. Afraid...
At least I could read his mind. I sighed a little, relaxing my shoulders.
Definitely a newborn. But how young? Six months? A year at the most? He looks too mature and serious for that, yet he is acting like he has just been turned.
"Nice to meet you, young one. I'm James. I'm sure you've met Re..."
"Rachel" she chirped in.
'Rachel', what is she...?
We stood in an awkward silence while the one called 'James' observed me in his head. He had made certain judgements about me already; 'Scrawny' 'Lacking strength' 'Naive' 'Scared' 'Jumpy'
Maybe I was all of those. But did it matter right then? No. I just needed to get out alive.
"Yes, I am Edward Cullen" I said, clearing my throat nervously.
"As I said, it is nice to meet you. Would you care for a little hunt?"
"James, you just ate" Rachel said quietly, giggling.
"You can never have enough" he said with a husky laugh. It sent shivers down my spine.
I had never encountered such horrid, twisted vampires in my life.
"Edward" said Rachel, ignoring James and directing her gaze to me, "We will leave you now. But we should definitely hunt some time. You can show us what animals taste the best around here."
"I would be pleased to" I said in a false sincerity. They both bought it and left with a few small smiles and goodbyes.
When I was left alone, I wiped the back of my right hand across my brow out of habit from my human days. I didn't sweat, but the gesture was still meaningful.
I had escaped what could have been a very hairy situation.
**
An hour or two later, I was back at my home in Forks. Esme was gushing over me, stroking my hair and hugging me to her chest like a sick puppy. I suppose, in a way, it's exactly what I was.
Alice had seen me meeting Rachel and James, so after Esme's mothering, I was met with a very unwelcome interrogation from my eccentric sister.
"What did the woman look like?" she asked, smiling at me with such intense eyes that I couldn't deny her what she wanted. Gossip.
"Didn't you see?"
"Just her back."
"She looks to be in her twenties. Thirty would be pushing it."
"Go on!" she squeaked, wriggling in her seat excitedly. Sometimes Alice wore me out. Even looking at her made my head hurt.
After two years it was still hard to grasp at how friendly and positive she always was.
"Thick, brown hair. Brown eyes. Cheeky smile. You know the deal."
"Was she beautiful?"
"Yes, I suppose so. We all are."
"You know what I mean, Edward."
Was she beautiful to you?
"She was, I suppose. There was something about her. I don't know, Alice. My head hurts."
Liar.
"And you couldn't read her mind, you say?"
"Not a murmur" I said darkly.
"Hmm."
I wonder if he is losing his power.
"I was thinking that too" I said, answering her thoughts. She raised both eyebrows at me.
Maybe I should talk to Carlisle about this. He might know something.
"I will talk to Carlisle" I snapped, pushing myself up from the couch, "It's my problem, after all."
"Sorry" she said, though I knew she wasn't. She would probably listen into the whole conversation.
That was the problem living here. You never had privacy. Everything you did and everything you said; everybody heard it. But I was glad I was here, instead of living a nomadic life like vampires such as Rachel and James.
I walked up the stairs and stopped outside the door leading to Carlisle's office. I raised my fist to knock, but he had already picked up my scent.
"Come in, Edward."
I had always been fascinated with Carlisle's office. When I had first learned to control my thirst, and begun to focus on things other than human blood, I had noticed what an interesting and involved life Carlisle had lived. He was over three hundred years old, and had experienced things I could never even dream of.
His office described him perfectly. It was neat, tidy, organised. It was all of these things, yet still modest. It wasn't showy with the rows of certificates along the walls, or with the photos of him with famous doctors and historical figures. It was just...Carlisle.
He was sitting in a padded armchair by his fireplace, reading a rather large, handwritten book. I saw the spine read: 'Psychological Experiments of the Late 1800's.'
I smirked and moved forward to sit in the armchair across from Carlisle. He finished reading the line he was on and placed the book down on the ground carefully, as though it were fine china.
I wonder what he's done now.
"I need your advice" I announced, watching his reaction warily. He crossed his legs and stared at me. I almost felt his eyes burn holes in my skull.
That's how Carlisle looked at everyone. Like they were experiments. Puzzles to figure out. He didn't do it on purpose; it was just how his mind worked. He was always trying to figure people out. Sometimes I thought he deserved my power more than I did.
Most times I thought that.
Go on.
I took a deep breath, wondering how to phrase what I was thinking without sound paranoid or possibly insane.
"I can't read Bella's mind. And I met a woman vampire earlier today. I couldn't read hers, either."
Interesting. Were there any connections between the two?
"Not that I know of, no."
Strange. There are some humans who are immune to certain powers. And there have been vampires in history who possess shields.
"It wasn't just an immunity. It was like...a blank space. Nothing. When I tried to read either of their minds, it was just...a void. It's hard to explain, but it is pure nothingness to me. Silence. I never get that, ever. Some people I can't read. Some I can just barely. But nothing this extreme. And to find two in the space of a few days? What are the odds?"
I admit, that does sound like more than just a mere coincidence.
"That's what I thought."
Do you have any theories yourself?
I took a deep breath, "Maybe I am losing my power."
I have never heard or read of such a thing. But there is no definitive answer until we can either prove or disprove it.
My heart sank. I had been expecting Carlisle to know at least something about my theory.
I advise that we wait and see it if happens again. In the meantime, I will read up on some material I have here, and you just relax. I doubt you are losing anything.
"Not even my mind?" I joked. Carlisle's eyes narrowed and his eyebrows furrowed.
"Never doubt your sanity, Edward. It's not a good thing to do as a vampire. It only leads to destruction, whether it be mind or body."
"I won't" I promised. And I was serious. When Carlisle asked something of me, I rarely went against his wishes. I had only ever done so once, and that was when I almost killed Jasper and Bella.
I had learned from my mistakes, and I would not make another.
"I will never doubt my sanity again" I said, just to clarify.
Don't fall like the others have.
"The others?"
"Never mind, Edward. I will begin my research now, if you would like to stay feel free."
"No. There's something I have to do."
I walked out of the room as quickly as was respectable. I needed to see Bella, urgently. I had devised a plan of attack of sorts. She couldn't refuse. And if she did; then I would truly lose hope. And who knew what might happen then? I wouldn't do anything foolish. I had too much to lose. Alice, Esme, Carlisle, Jasper. Even Emmett and Rose. They didn't know it, but they were the only things keeping me reasonable at such an emotionally tiring time.
I wondered, as I walked through the large front doors of my house, if vampires were still susceptible to mental illnesses. I was certainly showing all of the signs of bipolar. Half of the time I just wanted to die, and half I had hope beyond anything I had ever experienced. It was a rollercoaster of emotions for me, emotions I had not felt to such a degree in so long.
I couldn't talk to anybody about what I was going through, except for Bella. She may be able to empathise. Whether she would be sympathetic or not worried me. From my recent experiences with her, I doubted that she would care the slightest. However, I wasn't sure of that. I couldn't be sure with Bella. I couldn't hear her thoughts.
The tree next to me buckled and creaked, and I realised I had slammed my fist against its bark in frustration. I pulled my hand away hastily, leaving a large dent in the thick trunk and continued on.
I didn't run as fast as I could have; it was more of a jog. Though, to humans, it would have still been impossibly fast. I estimated I would reach Washington State in an hour. I could cut that down to twenty minutes if I really exerted myself.
The trees sweeping past me meant nothing. All that mattered was my predicament, what I was about to do. I would give Bella a decision to make. Friends or nothing. I would not pressure her into something more just yet. I would apply my 'charm' gradually, I would sweep her off of her feet. But in the meantime, I was content with just being her friend, being able to smile at her and have it returned.
I wanted to see that sparkle in her eyes that she used to get around me. I wanted it more than ever.