Chapter 16.
Bella.
You could say that I shut down after seeing Edward. I did all of the right things. I did them perfectly, almost so perfectly that it hurt. My assignments were dubbed with respectable A+ grades and my social status had risen since everyone realised that I was friends with Jasper Hale and Emmett Cullen. Even Jessica was less hostile towards me.
Actually, she was almost likeable.
I went to parties, drank my beer like a good college student, flirted with cute guys and even danced on the rare occasion. Everything was fine, right?
It should have been, yet I found myself being unable to answer that question honestly.
Standing in front of the steamy mirror in mine and Jessica's small bathroom, I looked at myself. I really looked at myself. Not at the physical aspects of myself, but the emotional signs my face gave away.
My eyes were the worst. To someone who hadn't known me very long, I would look normal. Maybe even attractive. But those who had known me for a while, they would see my eyes and instantly know that something was wrong. Terribly wrong. I often was grateful that nobody here knew me that well.
Underneath the blank and troubled eyes were heavy, red eye bags. They required a thick layer of concealer to cover up, and even then you could still catch a glimpse of them under the right lighting.
I sighed and rung my hair out with my towel. It was the only thing that hadn't changed. It stayed the same; long, wavy, silky. It was probably the only aspect about myself which I didn't loathe.
I gathered my hair into a loose knot at the base of my neck and slipped into my pyjama pants and a Washington State sweatshirt. Before retreating from the warm bathroom, I turned to my reflection and smiled.
The girl looking back at me didn't smile. She grimaced.
I needed to work on my smile more.
"You look a little worse for wear" stated Jessica from her bed. She was painting her nails with an in-your-face purple. It looked horrible and juvenile, but it wasn't my place to tell her that.
Instead, I gave her a small smile (what I hoped was a smile, and not a grimace) and moved to my own bed.
"It could just be a fever. I've been feeling weird all day" I said, ripping back my sheets and jumping into the welcoming comfort.
"Well, don't give it to me. If I don't go to the Cullen party tomorrow night, my social life will be ruined."
"You say it like that would be the end of the world" I said through hollow chuckles.
"I have no doubt that it would be."
I shrugged in reply and lay my head down on the fluffy feather pillow beneath me. Instant relaxation.
"Are you going to come?"
Jasper Hale, Emmett Cullen, Rosalie Hale. They would all be there. And no doubt Alice would, too. I wasn't sure if I was ready to see her again.
Since Edward, I had stayed away from the vampires as much as I could. But the word still got around that I was in with the Cullens.
Even though I had not spoken a word to any of them in days, rumours were flying.
'I heard Jasper kissed her, and now they're having an affair.'
'I heard they're distant cousins. It's obvious. They have the same skin colour.'
'Apparently Emmett Cullen has the hots for Bella Swan. I'd watch out if I were her, that Rosalie will rip her a new face. Did you see what she did to Jessica Stanley?'
And that's what happened when you lived in a place with hundreds of other young adults. Gossip was inevitable, and I didn't really care what people said. Somebody had to be spoken about.
"I don't know" I said, trying to sound casual. A lump rose in my throat as soon as I finished speaking. I would not think about vampires. It scared me. If I did think about them, I would have the nightmares again.
The nightmares I had were about creatures. They were vampires, but not attractive like the Cullens. They were hairless and gaunt, so pale that they were almost translucent. They had razor sharp fangs and huge claws. They chased me. Over and over, until one finally caught up with me.
Then I would scream and wake up.
"You have to come!" she shouted. I almost reflexively pressed my hands over my ears, but reconsidered in fear of being rude.
"I don't see why. I've been to every other party..."
"Please! Bella, I can't go alone with Rosalie there."
I sighed, knowing that she spoke the truth. I had never spoken to Rosalie, but we had a sort of mutual understanding. She knew what I was going through and she felt sorry for me. She wouldn't dare start anything in my presence, and I would do nothing to harm her in return.
I knew her most dangerous secret, after all.
"Okay. But I really don't want to."
"Thanks, Bella! You are such a good friend."
Only when I do what you want, I thought bitterly.
"Goodnight!"
I mumbled a slurred reply and turned in my bed to face the wall. I fell asleep soon after, but not for long.
The vampires chased me again. This time they had a familiar face on their terrifying bodies. All the same. Edward.
He was chasing me, taunting me, exposing his long fangs to frighten me. It worked. I woke up thrashing about with tears streaked down my face. I stopped moving to see if I had woken Jessica.
I hadn't.
She could sleep through the third World War.
I got up gingerly from my bed and wiped my sweaty hands on my knees. The sweat was strangely cold and I didn't like the feeling of it one bit.
I decided I needed another shower.
Tip-toeing to the bathroom, I turned on the faucets quietly and had a quick shower. I washed the back of my neck and face thoroughly, for they had been covered in the eerie cold sweat.
The lights were off, but I knew my way around the small room well. I turned off the shower and opened the glass doors quietly, placing one foot on the damp shower mat.
Then I slipped.
I whacked my head painfully on the floor of the shower and yelped out in pain. I felt blood flow from the back of my head and I started to wail.
The smell was so intense and disgusting that bile rose in my throat. I was going to vomit.
With effort, I turned my head and was sick all over the shower floor. It covered up the smell of the blood, but it was still a disgusting scent. I started shaking where I lay, aware that Jessica could not be woken up easily. And if I did wake her up, how would she react to finding me naked on the bathroom floor at the middle of the night, surrounded by blood and vomit?
Probably not well.
I would have to get through this alone.
I shifted my feet slightly and tried to get a hold of something sturdy with my hands. There was nothing but glass.
"Fuck" I muttered.
A whooshing noise spread through the room and I started. The bathroom door closed softly. I hadn't heard it open.
"Jess?" I asked quietly.
"No, not Jess."
The voice instantly drew upon the anger that had been stewing inside of me. Edward.
The lights flicked on and sure enough, there he was, standing by the door, looking down at me and my exposed body with a stunned look on his beautiful face.
"Don't look at me!" I spat. I was naked and bleeding with a vampire in the room whom had once before tried to kill me. This couldn't be happening.
"Shit. Let me help you" he said stiffly, bending down so his face was level with mine. I could swear that I saw his eyes dart to my body for the quickest moment, but they were back to my face so fast that I couldn't tell if I was imagining it or not. I glared at him as he put his cool arms around my bare waist and lifted me carefully to my feet.
When he had me steady, he handed me a towel from the towel rack behind him and wrapped it around me. Feeling less embarrassed, but still very much self aware, I glared again.
"What are you doing in my bathroom?"
"Your head is bleeding. Let's get that fixed up first."
"Don't you touch me again!" I snapped, pulling away from his reaching hand. He held a washcloth out to me. I took it begrudgingly and started to dab at the back of my head.
I hissed at the pain.
"You'll need some aspirin" he said, reaching over to sort through the medicine cabinet.
"You don't have any in here. Wait a minute."
He left the bathroom. I continued to dab gingerly at the cut in my head.
I wasn't bleeding much, but the thought of the clotted blood in my hair and stuck to the back of my skull, made me vomit. Again.
This time I reached the toilet.
Edward came back in just as I flushed the sick away.
"Blood still makes you nauseous" he smirked. He had no right to find it funny.
"Shut up" I grumbled, too tired to form a proper retaliation. He said nothing else, but handed me two white pills and a glass of water.
"How do I know you haven't done anything to them?" I asked warily, glancing at the two pills resting in my palm. He sniggered.
"Bella, I am a vampire, not a serial killer."
"I could argue with that" I mumbled, popping the two pills into my mouth and swallowing them with the water he had given me.
He sighed, "I'm not that bad a person. You are the only one who seems to think so."
"Edward, I have every right to think that."
"I know you do. And I wish I had never given you reason to."
"That doesn't change anything. I'm still mad."
"Of course you are. Let's get you patched up."
"I will do that myself, you just leave" I said curtly, crossing my arms immaturely.
"I'm not going anywhere until I know that you're not concussed, and until I explain myself."
"I think you've explained enough."
He handed me a rolled up bandage and a safety pin. I stared at them and wondered how in Hell I was going to wrap my head up without hurting myself more.
Edward held out his hand and smirked again. I shoved the bandage and pin back into his hand and pursed my lips. I hated feeling so dependant, especially on Edward. If it had been anywhere else bleeding, I could have easily fixed myself up and gone back to bed. But since I had to be one of the most unlucky girls in the whole of Washington, I needed Edward's help.
"You don't need to look so unhappy" he said, holding one end of the bandage to my forehead. His hand was so cold. I shivered and he dropped the bandage.
"I'm sorry, did I hurt you?"
"N-no. Your hand is just cold."
"Sorry."
"You say that too much" I grumbled, picking up the bandage and handing it to him.
"I have a lot of reasons to be saying it."
"You sure do. That doesn't make anything better, though."
"I know" he sighed and pinned up the bandage around my head neatly. It didn't feel any better, but at least the cut was no longer exposed to the surrounding air...and vampires.
"Done."
"Thanks" I said, wishing I didn't have to.
In all of the commotion of my injury and anger, I had forgotten to ask why the hell Edward was in my bathroom so late at night.
"Woah, wait. What are you doing here?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at him.
"Oh" he said quietly, busying himself with clearing up with floor. I put a hand on his shoulder and turned him around.
The realisation hit me fast; I was touching a vampire.
When I pulled my hand away quickly, Edward frowned. I didn't want to be afraid of him, but I was. I would have been perfectly content with just anger and hate, but not fear.
This meant he had something over me. And I did not like that one bit.
"I came to see you. I guess I didn't take into account how late it was..."
"I thought I told you to leave me alone" I growled.
"You did. But I just wanted to..."
"You're making things worse."
"I'm trying to fix things."
"Edward! Things are not going to mend, ever!"
"I'm not going to give up this time. You have to know that."
"Maybe I want you to give up."
"I won't. Ever" Edward said, leaning towards me. I pulled away from him, too scared of what he might do.
"But for now, I want to get to know you again. You're so different. I wonder what you're into these days; the same music? The same books?"
"I am not going to be your chum."
"Chum isn't the right word" he said with a small smile, "Maybe old friends, re-united?"
"No."
"Why not? I'm not looking for a relationship" he said defensively. And I couldn't believe him. Not after everything he had said to me. He confessed his love for me. He had been pressuring me. I knew that soon enough he would make a move, and I would fall for him again.
And I wasn't going to sit by and let him do that to me.
"Just give me a chance, Bella. I'll prove you wrong. I can be just your friend. I don't have to be involved with you."
"I don't trust you" I said warily. Sure, if he really did mean what he was saying, and he did only want to be friends, that was fine. But there was still the small fact that he was a vampire, one that was drawn to my blood.
That would cause complications.
"But I trust myself, and that means a lot after everything I have done in my life."
His argument was well-prepared and very logical. I was starting to see reason in his proposition. If he trusted himself around me, why shouldn't I? After all, Edward had never trusted himself. He had never shown confidence in his own judgement. So for him to admit that he trust himself, that somewhat sealed the deal in my eyes.
With a very even voice, I accepted his proposition.
"Alright. We'll start with coffee tomorrow" I said to him. He grinned at me and leaned forward, as though to hug me. I winced.
"You just have some..." he paused mid-sentence and looked at the finger he had just pushed my hair away with. My eyes followed his down to the red spot of blood on the tip of his long, white index finger.
My blood.
I could hear a low growling in his chest, and I instinctively moved away from him.
"Don't move" he said through his mouth, which was clamped so tightly shut that I was surprised his teeth weren't biting through.
"Don't even breathe."
I stayed with my back against the shower door until he wiped his finger on my towel and opened his mouth, breathing out a relieved sigh.
"I apologise for that."
I was too shocked for words. I was shaking again, a lot like the last time he made me fear for my life.
"Bella. I'm not going to hurt you."
"I don't trust you. Get out."
"But you just said..."
"I changed my mind. I hate coffee" I snarled. His face turned soft and showed every sign of hurt.
"I won't stop my attempts."
"You can try for the rest of your life."
"I plan to."
"Get out" I said with all of the conviction I had. He gave me a sad look and walked out of the bathroom, making no noise at all.
Edward.
I gave Bella one of my greatest efforts. I helped her, I was kind to her, I didn't push her. I even didn't kill her, when her blood was seeping from her skull. I kept my composure.
Until I touched it. Warm, textured and smelling of food. My food.
I didn't hurt her; the thought hadn't even crossed my mind, though I had to take a moment to calm myself, as I was in shock.
She took that the wrong way, and sent me out with a murderous look in her eyes.
What had struck me the most, more than the blood on my finger and more than they way Bella looked at me, was how I first found her, lying on the floor, surrounded by blood and vomit. I'd instantly had flashes of when I first found my mother. Dead. I couldn't help but let that get to me. I couldn't help but allow the images of my dead mother to swarm my mind. I kicked a tree in the forest surrounding the college courtyard as I thought of her. I had to leave. It hurt to be around Bella, in a place that reminded me of her.
I ran straight back home, never stopping. I let the cold wind numb my mind as I pushed through the thick forest.
**
As I sat in my room, leaning over my guitar, it was all too much. Everything that had happened. Running had dealt me some relief, but the images of my mother and Bella always came back.
I growled, throwing the guitar across the room. It shattered into thousands of tiny splinters before my very eyes. I watched it happening as though it were my heart. That's what it felt like.
I didn't even care that I had broken the last remaining piece of my humanity. I didn't care about much anymore. I knew that I may have been over exaggerating, but I didn't know how to stop thinking about what I almost had with Bella, and how I ruined it all.
What was that noise?
Sounded like wood.
It came from Edward's room.
Oh, he's broken his guitar. I didn't see that happening.
Bella must have said no. Maybe that's a good thing.
"Shut up!" I roared, jolting upright from my place on my sofa, and clenching my fists together so tightly that it almost hurt. Almost.
Carlisle was in my room within seconds of my outburst.
"Edward?" he asked, looking at me with worried eyes. I couldn't look back at him, so I looked at the wall behind him instead. Covered in sheet music. I saw the oldest sheet, worn and faded. It was the song I wrote for Bella. The one she had sung to, all that time ago. It was hard to believe it was only two years. It felt like a millennia since I heard her sweet voice, singing in French to perfect tune of my song.
I am worried for you.
"I don't need worry" I said flatly. And that was true. One hundred percent. I didn't need to hear the concerned thoughts of my family. It just made everything worse. It made everything seem more real.
"That's what you're going to get. You're part of our family, Edward, whether you want that or not. You will always be. Always."
With that, Carlisle left the room. I could tell he was pretty pissed off, and he had every right to be. I was being stubborn; I was moping around, wallowing in my own self pity. Like I always did.
I didn't know what to do with myself after that, so I got up and started to walk. Not run, walk. It felt incredibly slow, but it was comforting. For once, everything moved at a steady pace. Nothing was spinning, rushing, speeding forward. Everything just was. I walked past familiar trees and along a narrow stream, listening to the sounds of water rushing, birds twittering and grass rustling under my feet.
I wouldn't have thought that walking could offer more of a relief than running, but it did. It didn't make sense to me, how I could find myself so relaxed while moving so slowly. I'd always found that relaxation when pumping my legs as fast and as hard as I could, dodging trees and other obstacles.
I found myself at peace.
And then I saw her again.
"Edward Cullen" smiled Rachel, bowing her head to me respectively. I stopped in my path and saw her standing up ahead, at least two hundred meters away. I couldn't hear any other minds around, so I was certain she was alone.
There was something different about her, something darker than I had noticed the last time we spoke. Even from this far away, I could feel the darkness within her. She'd changed. Something happened.
"You have the smell of human upon you" she said, running for me. She stopped at a safe distance, her eyes trailing over my face.
"You look distraught."
I cleared my throat and stood up straighter, "I'm fine."
"You said you would hunt with us" she accused.
"Us? Is James here?" I asked, not being able to hide the anxiety in my voice.
"He is near-by. Hunting."
"I think I would prefer it if..."
"...We didn't hunt in your area? Don't worry; we just stopped by for a quick snack."
I looked around nervously, knowing very well that James would appear by Rachel's side soon, and I was not up for more anxiety than I was already feeling.
"It was nice to see you again, Rachel, but I have to go."
"So soon?" she asked sadly, cocking her head to the right, "Okay, we'll be in touch with you. James and I are always here, Edward Cullen."
That's what I was afraid of, I thought to myself, turning back towards my home, giving a small nod in Rachel's direction.
As I walked back, I was unable to shake the feeling that I had forgotten something, that I was missing out on something important. Some piece of crucial information that would help me sort out my inability to read both Bella and Rachel's minds.
When I arrived back in my bedroom, seeing my smashed guitar, my torn up music sheets; I sat down and sighed. The small trip in the forest had been a nice escape, but it was not enough to keep my pathetic self-pity and anger away for long.
A/N: The Edward POV is considerably shorter than Bella's because I just wanted to include a short insight into how he was feeling. The Rachel scene is crucial to the next few chapters.
Reviews make me smile. Thank you for your support 3
And thanks to Laura for the help with the bathroom scene. It was turning into a massive angst session, and she helped to lighten it up, while still maintaining the right amount of angst. You are my life now, Laura.
A playlist should be up in the next day. My internet is incredibly capped right now. Eck. And I'm working on uploading those outtakes of Newborn Edward. They're not much, but they might interest some of you readers.