Chapter 2

Last time:

'I HATE YOU!' She shouted as she grabbed her nightgown and pushed it closer to her body and made her way towards the stairs. Before he could blink she had already dissapeared from his bunk.

He sat there for a while, frozen to his bed. Not able to move. He wondered if this had really happened with his mouth wide open, his eyes staring at one point in the distance.

'Huh?'

Whatever was wrong with her, he wouldn't let her get away with this, he thought angrily as he jumped up. He pushed his blanket away and walked quickly towards his trousers. He put on his shirt as he walked towards the stairs. He could be slow but she wouldn't get away with this! He thought angrily.

Now:

Inara had an angry scowl on her face as she opened her shuttle door and slammed it shut. She didn't understand what was wrong with her, she felt like a little child again. Wanting to hit things, slam something into the wall. She knew the things she had said to Mal were not right… But she didn't want to think about what was right or wrong right now. She just wanted to be angry! Furious. Bark and shout words and things she didn't mean. To get these feelings out of her, and to get him at a distance. A very BIG distance. Away from her.

Someone slammed the door open and she just knew that it was Mal. She turned around agressively, almost glad to have something new to be even angrier about. She clenched her teeth as she let the explosive anger inside her belly come up and fire at him instantly.

'YOU NEVER KNOCK!' She shouted with clenched fists and wide nostrils.

'What is this madness woman? Have you lost your mind?!' Mal snapped angrily. He had lost his patience now too. He wouldn't just sit by to let her say all these things to him.

She ignored him, still stood there trembling from anger as she gave him a destroying look.

'How much trouble is it, to just put up that arm of yours, make a fist and place it gently against the door!!' She barked while she made angry moves with her arms.

He grabbed her wrists to stop her wild movements.

'What are you doing!' Mal snapped sternly as he looked in her eyes. He had had enough of this tonight.

'Well Mal, you can finally witness it.' She said, suddenly in a very slow and weak voice. She stopped moving. 'I finally lost my mind. And there's nothing I can do against it anymore.' The last words sounded bitter. She pulled her arm roughly away from his grip.

'Don't you just love that?! The-whore-has-lost-her-mind!' She snapped bitterly after a short pause.

O, yes that was it. He had called her a whore this morning again. The one thing he knew that really touched her. Somewhere behind those high walls she had pulled up most of the times.

'No Inara. I don't love that.' He said in a stern voice. 'What happened?' He asked worried as he took a step towards her.

To his surprise her dark eyebrows furrowed in an angry frown instantly and she shot fire at him with her eyes again.

'You happened.' She snapped. She suddenly laughed hysterical as she turned away from him. 'You happened!!' She repeated in a high pitched voice. 'I lost ALL my control. I finally lost it! My sanity! That's what I lost. I don't want it, but it just happened. I can have ANY man that I want, why is it…. Why is it that…' It's like a disease, why can't I let go… Let go of him?

'What?'

She couldn't say it. She couldn't get it over her lips.

'I spin you about. That's what you said. And you're right. You don't want me. It's as simple as that.' She stated quickly.

Mal frowned his brows, he didn't understand. 'What are you saying Inara?'

Merciful Budda, it was so much easier when he was angry with her, when he shouted at her, when she shouted at him.

'You hurt me.' She uttered. She was instantly shocked that she had said those words. Had she just said that? She swallowed as her throat got dry instantly. Why had she said that?! It just slipped out, as if it wasn't her own voice, her own mouth saying those words, betraying her. Betraying something she wanted to stay covered, secret. Especially from him. No one was to know, especially him…

'I hurt you?' Mal asked shocked. He didn't want to hurt her. 'When?' He asked quickly.

She swallowed. She wanted out of this situation. She wanted to hide and dissapear.

'When.' He asked again as he stepped towards her again.

'I.. Never mind.' She turned around. Her voice sounded empty. 'Well.' She said as she turned back, her Companion face on again. Unreadable, and that smile plastered around her lips. 'It's been nice to see you, I'd like to go and sleep now.'

'What?!' Mal spat surprised. 'Are you actually making a joke here?!' He couldn't believe it! Her behaviour had changed so radical that Mal's mouth dropped open. He knew that she had had training to control her behaviour but this was and he'd seen her down it before but this time, t was very…. Scary.

'No joke.' She explained as her eyes grew big. 'I am just tired.'

He didn't answer. She was actually ignoring what had happened only seconds earlier.

'Really tired.' She said sweetly.

'Don't think you can do this Inara. This is not fair.' Mal warned her angrily.

'There are more things not fair Mal.' Inara stated calm as she walked towards her bed with a solemn look on her face. She would go and rest now and forget this horrible night.

Something hard grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

'It doesn't work this way.' Mal spat as he still held her arm and pulled her close to him, his face angry now. 'You don't get to crawl behind your Companion face and your training when you wake me in the middle of the night and throw all sorts of angry insults and other things at me.'

Her eyes grew big and he thought he saw fear in them.

'You can't force me.' She said in a small voice.

The I-am-an-innocent-harmless-creature tool.

'Don't manipulate me Inara. I know you're not the little innocent girl you play to be right now, I know you'll scream and shout if you're angry so just spit it out right now! When did I hurt you?!'

She looked the other way instantly.

'It's not… It doesn't matter I…. I am just not feeling well..' She uttered as she turned back to face him. Those lips. So close. She swallowed. She felt something warm spread in her tummy. It made her breathing laboured. She had to get away from him.

Aah, one of her avoiding tools: The I-don't-want-to-talk-about-it-anymore-so-I'll-pretend-that-I-am-sick tool. Complete with the facial expression to go with it. He could probably become a teacher himself at that training house of hers. He had become an expert.

'Don't talk around it woman.' He urged.

She felt his hard grip around her arm. She swallowed again. She had put herself into this situation. Well done, Inara. You wanted to push him away and instead he is standing right there, too close.

She momentarily thought about using her Companion training on him again. But she dismissed that instantly. He was serious now, she would only make him more angry.

'I am sure it wasn't your meaning..' She began.

The I-should-apologise-but-I'll-make-the-other-person-believe-that-they-have-to-apologise-to-me tool.

He shook her arm lightly to urge her.

She sighed. Okay, out with it. She had already disgraced herself and made a complete fool out of herself, how she could ever make this up, or face him in the morning… She simlpy couldn't.

'With Nandi.' She spat out.

'What?' Mal said as he loosened the grip on her arm instantly in surprise. 'What are you talking about?'

She swallowed and looked him right in his eyes.

'I lied.' She said in a guilty voice. There was something challenging in her eyes.

'About what?' Mal said not understanding.

She looked away again.

'About what Inara.' He urged as he took her arm again to force her to look at him.

Her big eyes were moist with tears as she looked at him. There was also something angry in them. 'I DID care that you took to bed with her.' She spat out. There it was out. She held her breath. It was as if everything had stopped around her. 'So that's out. Now you can gloat about it.' She had held this in for so long, for weeks, for months. And now it finally was out of her system.

'Gloat about what?' Mal asked.

'You know exactly about what Mal.' She spat with two lowered eyebrows over her dark eyes.

'No, no, no you're not going to turn this around.' He snapped as he took her wrist. 'You didn't let me speak that night on the bridge. The night that you said that you would leave. Why?!'

'Do you want me to spell it out Mal?!' She shouted in a painful voice.

'Yes.' He said direct.

O… She swallowed deep. Was there anyway to get out of this? Anything to say to get out of it?

'Answer me, you don't get time to come up with one of your defensive tactiques.' Mal snapped.

She looked up at him with surprise in her eyes. He knew her that well? Was she so predictable?

Mal smirked when he noticed that he had taken her off guard. 'Well?!' He prodded sternly.

'I was….' She began with trembling lips. 'I..' Her breath caught in her throat. But anger came up in her quickly. 'O! You must REALLY love this! The Companion at a loss for words!' She barked.

He kept looking at her and she looked away quickly. She couldn't face him.

'I was afraid!' She said in a raw emotional voice. She then looked up at him with a challenging glare in her eyes. He is going to reject me. That's clearly the situation, he will…. No, I can't let him. 'Is that what you wanted to hear!?' She shot at him with all of her last energy. He is probably enjoying this very much, laughing hard about this afterwords at her expense. She can't let him. She can't be hurt, not like that. She won't be able to take that.

Mal knew that she was looking for a fight again. And he had to admit, that it was easier for him too, but not this time, not now.

'And now?' He questioned, not taking the bait for a fight.

'Now what?!' She spat.

'Are you afraid now.' Mal asked a bit impatient.

Her lip began to tremble again as tears wetted her cheeks. Her eyes suddenly looked so vulnerable. 'I still am..' She uttered weakly as she pulled her arm away from him quickly and took a few steps back. She encircled her upper body in a hug. She felt stupid. So very stupid!

She looked at the wall. At the dark wall and sighed. Then she raised her eyes to look at him.

'I am sorry for the things I said tonight… I..' She looked away. 'All this feels strange and I am not used to these feelings, I am used to being in control and these last months, hell, the last year, the whole year it's been… It… My… I don't know what I…'

'I don't know what to do.' She uttered lost. She looked up at him again. 'And I always know what to do. I always knew what to do.'

'What feelings?' Mal questioned.

'What?' She asked confused.

'You said that you are not used to these feelings. What feelings?'

She swallowed visibly.

'I don't really feel comfortable talking about this.' She said as she hugged herself more closely and avoided his gaze.

'You said that it was my fault. So tell me.' Mal urged. He didn't care that she didn't feel comfortable, he should have been comfortable in his bed right now. He did care about her trembling like small leaf and almost being crept away in the corner of her shuttle. He didn't know her like that. It almost made him afraid.

She suddenly looked up and he saw resolve in her eyes.

'I can't.... I can't.' She repeated.

He shook his head and walked towards her and planted one hand against the wall next to her ear as he bended to be on her height again.

'Let me fill it in for ya then.' He said as he licked his lips to begin his summary.

'You want me.' Mal stated simply.

'Wha-?' Inara said surprised. 'Well, I…. I wouldn't put it that way… Exactly..' She pushed back her head against the wall to make more distance between them. If only she could crawl in that wall right now! 'I don't think so, that's just a fingement of your imagination!' She suddenly said with power in her voice. Getting back some of her confidence.

He smirked as he kept looking in her eyes. 'I would put it that way 'Nara, cause seemingly you can't yourself.' His lip twitched as he looked at her lips. They didn't have any painted colour on them. They were a darkish pink. Would they be soft? He had wondered about that so many times.

'Let me help you a little bit here.' He said as he scraped his throat and looked away shortly. 'I'll clearify a few things for you. He bended back to face her and looked intensily in her eyes. You actually like me. Ofcourse, who wouldn't?' He stated cockily with a smirk as he wiggled his brows.

'Tsch, I don't think so-' She muttered weakly.

'Psh, let me finish.' He said with one raised finger.

He bended towards her ear. 'You actually like that –what did you call me?- Thief, scruffy, unresponsible, annoying, irritating, frustrating son of a fwetic shi?' He smiled as he bended his face back to look at her again. 'You're confused because you like me, you were confused about that sooner but then you could push it away with, well, simply being mean to me, I have to say. And then the liking me MORE began, yes and that became dificult for the ever so controlled Companion didn't it?' He pulled up one side of his mouth.

She looked at him with one very high raised eyebrow and a sarcastic look in her eyes. She made a sarcastic sound. 'Yes ofcourse Mal. Whatever you want to think.'

'I am not ready yet.'

'Please, indulge me.'

He sighed out loud. 'Then you began to want me. And that was a bit more difficult wasn't it? So you ran away. And that is the part where I am not joking anymore.' He said the last sentence very seriously as he straightened himself so he was looking down at her. He put his other hand next to her other ear. She swallowed again.

'That night on the bridge, after Nandi. I wanted to tell you something, and you stopped me. You ran away. And I won't let you run away again. Do you hear me?' He asked when she didn't look at him.

'Mal, this is-' She began.

'So, I think it's safe to say-' He put his index finger on her chin and moved her face back, facing his. 'That you want me. Maybe even love me, who knows?'

'This is absurd.' Inara said as she looked away.

Mal closed his eyes shortly to gather some energy. 'Then why did you care that I went to bed with Nandi?'

She pushed herself in the wall to make the distance bigger between them.

'I… Just… As a friend.'

He let go of his arms against the wall, they fell to his sides. He suddenly looked beaten.

'If this is the way you want it. I've almost put my heart out for you before and you ran, and now… Nevermind.' He stepped back from her and raised his hands towards her. 'Just stay out of my way, that's exactly what I mean with you spin me about. Don't….' He said as there was a large space between them now.

'You know.' He said as he took one step towards her. 'For a Companion you sure know nothing at all about men. You might know how to satisfy one..' He said as he eyed her body and her clothes. 'And how to sweet talk them into something, but about feelings, about love…. You know nothing! Didn't they teach you that in..' He wanted to say it, he wanted to say it: whore academy. He swallowed it, gave her an angry glare and turned his back on her to stalk off.

She keeps stepping on my heart, and it sure hurts for the small feet she has on her. He thought as he walked quickly through the hallway.

She swallowed and saw him walk out of her shuttle. She stood frozen to the ground. Her nostrils wide with adrenaline. Why hadn't she said… How she felt? Why couldn't she… She swallowed again.

"Distance yourself from love. That is not your profession. That is not meant to be." She heard a too familiar voice tell her when she was a little child. "Love is something that makes things difficult. You have chosen this profession so you'll have to learn to distance yourself from your feelings. Your clients don't want love. And if they do you'll fake it. You'll be with another client in a few hours. You can't begin on that. Never."

And she had heard that same speech her whole life, almost every week. And when she had been back at the training house she had heard it again.

"Never?" One of the children in the class had asked.

"There are a few Companions who married someone and started a family. That will be your own choice. But not for the coming years of your life. Isn't that right Inara?"

Inara had looked up at Sira, the woman that was a teacher now and had been her childhood friend. "Yes that's right." She had said and she had convinced herself that the empty feeling in her chest from leaving Serenity just had something to do with the change of environment. She had convinced herself that she knew everything about love and that she had chosen to stay away from it.

"Love is something that will get in the way of your job. It's one of the most important things to master."

And yes, she had mastered it very well, she had been able to put it away, she had not loved any of her clients. Never. And she had had many clients. And now she found out that she didn't even know what love really was. For all the things she knew, everything that she had learned, she had never experienced that kind of love that you could have for a man. She felt her stomach turn from fear.

"About love, you know nothing!" Mal had said. And he was right. She quickly walked towards her door. She didn't want to let him go like this. Not again.

Kaylee walked through the hallway feeling like a zombie. She had a mug filled with Inara's tea in her hand and was going back to her bunk. Inara had said she had tea that could make you help to sleep. She couldn't sleep, but she did feel sleepy. Hmm, isn't that weird? She crossed the hallway and wanted to walk on when she saw Inara.

'Hi In-' She began but the woman marched on, with a clear goal set in her mind. Kaylee raised an eyebrow as she looked at Inara's back now.

'I…Borrowed your…' Kaylee began to Inara's dissapearing back. 'Wooooowww..' Kaylee managed to cast out before her mouth dropped open as wide as it could and she stood still with a shock. Her tea spilled over the rim of her mug but she didn't notice it. She even didn't notice and feel the hot liquid falling on her pyjama pants. Her eyes were on something in front of her.

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Hi Hope you liked it! Hope that I don't make them argue too long, but I think it wouldn't go that easily between them in 'reality' to so I am still making it a bit difficult for them hehe.... Please let me know what you think!!