Hoofdstuk 10
Last time:
'He'll beat her, hurt her.' Inara uttered.
Mal stepped towards her and raised his arm to touch her.
'Don't.' She snapped as she took a step back and gave him a painful look. She left for Serenity.
Now:
Serenity
'Wash, start the engine's we're goin' after that ship right now!' Mal ordered as he made his way to the kitchen to catch up with Inara.
He followed her into the kitchen and almost bumped into her when she suddenly turned around towards him.
'Whatever Sivella has done.. It can not be that worse for you to just let her-' Inara's voice broke. She tried to keep the tears out of her eyes and to steady her breathing.
'We couldn't do anything.' Mal defended.
'You were just standing there! Where was Jayne where was everyone!' Inara suddenly shouted as she remembered Zoe and Mal just standing there, inactive. She was glad to find her voice back.
Mal swallowed to keep his anger in. 'If you let me explain for just a second-'
'-There is nothing to explain Mal!' Inara shouted at the top of her lungs. 'Blake made perfectly clear to me what he will do with Sivella once he has her in his hands.' She got a very painful look on her face. 'I don't care what went wrong! You shouldn't have let her get to that ship! If I only knew that you had NO plan! Then I would have gone back!' Inara barked at him.
'And do what?!' Mal shouted back now. 'What do you think YOU could have done?!'
'I don't care! At least I would have done something! I would have helped her!' Inara shouted. She felt so angry!
Zoe raised her eyebrow the minute she walked into the kitchen. She had heard them fight from the hallway. She had almost never heard Inara shout like this. The Companion had looked pale and shocked minutes ago, but this moment her face was red because she was fuming with anger. And it was obvious that she was being unreasonable in her anger towards Mal.
'You are not thinking logical here.' Mal snapped. 'We are going after Sivella right now. We will help her. You don't seem to understand that he would have hurt you if we weren't on time.'
'I don't care!' Inara snapped. It was for Sivella.
'But I do.' Mal stated.
Inara opened her mouth to say something and Zoe guessed in the way her face looked that it would be offensive, insulting or hurting so she quickly spoke before Inara could utter a word.
'Inara, I usually wouldn't interfere in any of your fights but Mal is right. Sivella wanted this herself, there was no time anymore. She didn't want you to get hurt. We couldn't do anything else in that short time.' Zoe said as she had walked in the kitchen.
Inara looked at Zoe and then closed her eyes for just a moment. She opened her eyes again and all the anger seemed to be gone from her face. Her face was a mask now.
'I understand.' She said in a flat, even voice as she passed Mal and Zoe and dissapaered out of the room.
Mal looked at the floor with a quizzical and angry look on her face. The moment Inara was gone he looked up angrily at Zoe.
'She understands?!' Zoe looked back at him with big eyes. He pointed at the way Inara had just gone.
'She understands.' He muttered angrily again as he went through his hair in a frustrated gesture. 'I try explainin' to the woman in all different kinds of ways how it went and you say a few things and then she understands?'
'She opened up to you, that's a good thing.' Zoe said as she looked at the hall where Inara had just left.
'Didn't you hear the shoutin' that was going on an' all?'
'She just needed to react to someone. You were an easy target.' Zoe said. 'I've never seen her like this. All the easyness and tranquility she always has around her seemed far away.' Zoe looked at the floor. 'That man must have really gotten to her.'
Mal sighed in frustration.
Mal's bunk
Mal paced through his bunk like a wild man. The moment Inara had been taken from Serenity things had gone so fast. He knew that her absence felt like something had been taken from him. A part of him. He suddenly had felt so empty. Blind fury had come up. He wanted her back, instantly. Unharmed. No one was to hurt Inara or harm her in any way. That blind fury had gotten him through the hours after that. And all this time the image of Inara getting slapped and being taken replayed in his mind, over and over again. The cold fear of what they were doing to her almost made him sick and drove him crazy.
The moment he had seen her in the distance when Blake released her he had been so glad. She seemed unharmed. He studied her intensily while Sivella had walked up to Blake's ship. He couldn't see any wounds on her.
He remembered how he had to restrain her from going back to Sivella. And her anger for letting Sivella just take off like that into that monster's hands. They were with too many, Blake was too strong at that moment. And there wasn't time. Time had run out. He had done the right thing!
Inara's shuttle, evening
Inara inhaled deep to get some oxygen into her lungs. Calm down Inara. Just calm down. Everything will be okay. She told herself as she walked to her insence and lighted two sticks again. But sometimes things didn't turn out for the best. Sometimes, they wouldn't be okay. Her brows frowned and she got a painful look on her face as she remembered Blake beating Sivella down to the ground. She sat herself in front of her altar and closed her eyes to begin her meditation. She would calm herself. She would calm all these feelings that were raging like wild, uncontrollable animals through her body. She had been meditating all afternoon. But after only moments after her meditation she would feel horrible again. So she just began again. This was the only thing she could do at the moment.
She pictured a meadow with the most beautiful green grass she had ever seen in front of her. The sky was as blue as could be. She was all alone. Sivella's screams of pain. Inara shouting at Mal to let go of her so she could help Sivella. Let it go. A cloud takes those thoughts away.
Birds are flying around, making beautiful sounds. Sivella laughing at her, throwing one of her pillows at her. Why hadn't she ever told? This must have gone on for longer. She had spoken to Sivella every week, why hadn't she? A hot tear left her eyes and she felt it drop on her chest. Take it away, another cloud takes that away. I feel calm, I feel relaxed, I am in control. Nothing can take me out of this control.
Cockpit
Wash's eyes went to Mal who was staring intently in the black next to him. He wisely shut his mouth.
'Captain! What are you doing here?! I was looking for you everywhere.' Kaylee suddenly blurted out as she jumped next to Mal.
'I am helping Wash.' Mal said.
Wash raised his eyebrows. 'Yes, by staring that ship which we can't even see towards us.' Wash clearified. He earned an angry look from Mal at that.
'Why aren't you with Inara?'
'With Inara?' Mal asked clueless.
Kaylee sighed impatiently. 'She needs comfort now, a listenin' ear.'
'No she don't. She told us to stay away.' Mal reminded her.
Kaylee sighed very loud at that.
'She even sent me the warning look to clearify those words.' Mal explained.
'Ow Mal…' She muttered. 'Sometimes men can be so clueless!' Kaylee said annoyed.
Wash nodded. He sometimes didn't understand Zoe either.
'How does that make me clueless? The woman says one thing and then sents me one of her warnin' looks.'
'I'll explain this to you, one: she is a woman, two: she is a Companion.'
Mal raised his brows as he looked at Wash for help. He just raised his brows too and directed his gaze at the space in front of him again.
'Lil' Kaylee, there's nothin' new for me in what your sayin' there.'
'One: woman say that they can handle it alone but sometimes all they really want maybe without them knowing it themselves, is a warm arm around them and someone who just listens to them. And two: she is trained to not let others see that she hurts. You should know that by now!' Kaylee explained exasperated.
'I should know that by now? Why can't you woman just be plain and simple!' Mal blurted out.
'Just go to her. And please don't make her upset.' Kaylee urged.
'And how could I not make her upset? After all I am going to her while she expicitly said not to, the last time I saw her she was shoutin' pretty angrily at me.'
'Just make sure that you listen to her and maybe try to comfort her. Just see how she reacts. And show that you are trying, and don't hurt her even worse.'
'I wouldn't-' Mal began in defense. He knew that he had managed to comfort her days ago but he had noticed the trouble it had taken her then to open up. He didn't think that she would do that again. He knew very well that she felt so hurt and broken that moment that that had beaten her walls down momentarily. She would have never let him that close as days ago.
'Don't call her a whore for example. Please Mal, she really needs this now.' Kaylee said.
Mal nodded. He knew. He knew that Inara felt awful right now.
' 'Kay.' He said as he walked away. 'A listenin' ear..' He said softly as he counted that on his finger. 'Comfort.' He went further, counting that on his second finger. 'Don't insult her.' Third finger. 'Just follow her lead.' Fourth finger. It was so difficult sometimes to not start a fight or to not insult her. But he just had to remember these four things. And that wouldn't be that difficult would it?
Inara's shuttle
He strode purpusefully to her shuttle and then stopped in front of the door. Would it?
He knocked. It seemed like the good thing to do right now.
'Kaylee, I am okay. I just need some time to be alone.' He heard her muffled voice come.
He stepped in, ignoring her remark. Feeling the urge to help her, comfort her.
'Mal..' She uttered in an impatient tone. She was sitting in front of her altar as she gave him a blurry look.
She turned back to her altar and sighed. Just let it flow, don't listen to these feelings. Let them flow away. I am calm. I am calm. I don't want Mal around right now! She didn't want him to see her like this. No one should see her like this. Not again.
Mal plopped himself down on her sofa.
Inara closed her eyes briefly when she heard the sound of his body falling on her sofa. That meant that he wouldn't leave. Dear Buddha, give me strenght. Please.
'I really like to be alone right now.' Inara said in a controlled tone.
He didn't respond.
She turned her face towards his big frame on her sofa.
'I thought I told you so.' Inara tried again. She had told everyone specifically to leave her alone. What was so difficult about that very clear message she had given them? She even had put in one of her most warning glares to top that message.
He shrugged. 'Guess I ain't listenin' no more.' He said nonchalantly as he bended forward to take her little Buddha statue of her table and began to fiddle with it.
He didn't need to look up to see her face snap towards his in anger. He could feel the anger radiating from her. He sure hoped Kaylee had been right about the four points she had mentioned. Didn't take much to get her angry again.
'So how are you holding up?' Mal tried.
'Mal, I am fine.' She said shortly as she stood up elegantly with her back still towards him. He could see that her shoulders were sagged. He could hear how she tried to control her voice. He was sure that she wanted to shout and scream at him right now.
'Really?' He asked in a high pitched voice. 'Could have fooled me.' He crossed his arms in front of his chest.
'Mal, what are you doing here!' She suddenly blurted out as she finally turned towards him agitated. 'Leave me alone. This is my shuttle! My private space.' There it had happened again, she had just managed to feel a little peaceful again when he ruined it!
'You want me to leave you alone?' He asked simply as he looked up. 'So you can do everything alone again, and hide behind that serene Companion mask of yours?'
'Mal-' Inara warned.
He stood up now quickly, angrily. 'It's not so long ago that you broke down right there cryin' and hurtin'.' He stated as he pointed towards the bed.
She looked away. That had been a mistake. She hadn't wanted him to see that. She shouldn't have.
'You comfort everyone on my ship all the time. And now I will comfort you whether you like it or not.' He sat himself down on her sofa again. 'I ain't leavin'.'
Inara sighed inwardly. She could see on his posure that he wouldn't budge or move whatever would happen.
'Companions don't get comforted. We comfort ourselves.' Inara stated with a straight back.
'Really?' He asked sarcastically. 'And does that work?'
'It was working, until you came along.' She stated. I am calm, I am calm. She suddenly felt the urge to fight. Just to spat out to him to not feel the pain for just a moment.
'That is my job Mal. To comfort others.' She snapped as she took a challenging step towards him. He would insult her now. She was sure he would. Because that is what they always did, this round.
'You take care of yourself?' He questioned, surprising her shortly.
She straightened her shoulders. 'Yes, that is right.'
'Just like Sivella did.' He shot at her with cold eyes.
That came as a slap in her face. She wanted to take a step back but told herself to stand still. She couldn't loose her too. First Nandi, and now… She couldn't even think about that, the thought alone made her sick. Made her stomach turn.
' Think that says all.' He stated as he sat himself on her sofa again.
'What does it say Mal?!' Inara asked angrily.
'So how do you comfort your clients?' Mal asked, he wanted to know how to help her but he suddenly got images of Inara in bed with a client, images he did not want to see at all! 'I don't mean-' He quickly began but got cut off by Inara's sharp tone.
'I have sex with them Mal! All night long!' She was challenging him. 'That's what I do, I am a whore remember!' She shouted at him. She was beyond herself now. Saying things just to make him go away, to have a reason to be even more angry with him.
Mal clenched his teeth. He sure wished Kaylee had been right about Inara wanting comfort. But it didn't seem like that at all. He fought the urge to stand up, shout something insulting back at her and leave. Then he remembered what she had gone through. He would probably loose his mind if someone took Kaylee, or River, Simon, anyone from him. If they would hurt them in front of his eyes with him being able to do nothing. Honoustly, the hours Inara herself had been taken had already made him loose his mind.
'I meant with talkin' and all.' He commented in a normal voice as his eyes fell on the tea pot. Tea, that was it. She always drank tea to calm herself. 'Would you like some tea?' He offered as his big hands went to her china.
'Mal, what are you doing?' She questioned astonished as she felt the rage leave quickly. A tired, painful feeling came in it's place.
'You've got two eyes to see what I'm doin'.' He noted. He was glad that Inara had already made a pot. He wasn't a good tea-maker at all. 'Just sit down will ya woman?' He urged as he poored some tea without trying to spill.
'You are impossible.' Inara stated weakly as she finally sat down.
'That's one thing we have in common.' Mal stated.
He looked up at her. She wasn't moving. Just sat there, frozen and pale. Her eyes drained from all energy.
'You can drink it.' He offered as he gestured towards her cup now. She still wasn't moving. 'A wise woman I used to know told me that it was something that could help you feel calm and all.' He said, meaning her.
She looked at a spot on the sofa next to her.
'Mal-' She tried to hold back her tears. 'I am sorry for the way I reacted towards you.' Inara's voice came. 'I know you probably saved my life. I-' She clenched her teeth as she remembered the beating Blake gave Sivella. 'Him hurting her like that… That was just too much.' She looked up at him with two big brown eyes. 'And you doing nothing-'
Mal nodded. He agreed. It had been awful to witness that.
'If we had done somethin' we wouldn't be sittin' here.' He said as he thought about the many men with the heavy guns they had pointed at them. And time had run out. They had been looking so long for Sivella that the six hours were almost over.
Inara nodded. 'I know that now. I was.. I was being unreasonable.'
'This Rogan Blake is not her client. His brother is. I'm guessin' the brother wants her back. Don't know why. She said she has information they want. He will keep her alive
to bring her to his brother. We'll make sure to be there that exact moment to help her. Or sooner if that's possible.' Mal said. He remembered again how glad he had felt the moment Inara walked away from Blake, the moment she was in his reach. He had wanted to pull her close to him just to feel her against him. To feel that she was still alive.
Inara nodded. That seemed right. The brother would want her alive. The others were just messengers. Sivella was probably bound somewhere to the ground, or the chair Inara herself had sat in. And they would leave her alone. Because the brother wanted to have her alive. She just had to believe that they would leave her alone..
'She told me she said all these things in the market place to keep you away. She told me that it hurt her deeply to treat you like that.' He said as he remembered what Sivella had asked him to tell her.
Inara looked up at that.
'I think she was tellin' the truth. She was pretty shaken up when we told her they took you. Her eyes were watery an' all.' Mal paused for a moment. 'She told me to tell you that she loves you.' He swallowed. Those words… Sometimes so hard to say those few words to someone. They meant so much. He had almost never told them to anyone. He had almost said these words to someone, and that someone sat in front of him. He looked at her.
Inara stood up quickly and began to pace. Another bad habit that had come up again. But she didn't care about that right now. She didn't know what to do. She was SO angry. She clenched her teeth and her fists. And she felt so afraid. She couldn't bare to wait this long. To feel this powerless.
She turned around towards him.
'Mal we need to get to her first! I don't want her to die. Do you understand?' All she could see in front of her was Blake hitting Sivella. Or him using that knife of his and cutting her like he had promised he would do.
Mal stood up and walked towards her.
'Mal please!' She said as she took his shirt in her hands and looked up at him. 'I will never ask you for anything again, please promise me that you will do everything in your power to help her. To save her. Please.' She urged.
The knuckles off her fists became white.
'I will do ANYTHING it takes Mal. Anything.'
'You don't have to do nothin'.' He said as he took her wrists to loosen her fists from his shirt. But she wouldn't let go. 'We'll find her.'
'You're always there.' She said as she suddenly got a weird look in her eyes. She let go of one fist and he suddenly felt her hand on his cheek. It felt warm, soft, tender.
'You're just always there.' She repeated softly.
He didn't comprehend what she meant. She let go of the hand that had touched him and made a fist of it again. She held it in front of her mouth as she let go of his shirt with her other hand.
'Thankyou.' She whispered.
His eyes fell on her arm. 'You're hurt.' Mal stated shocked and with a hint of anger in his voice. Who had dared to bruise her?!
Inara looked at her arm and noticed the dark angry bruise there. 'O, no it's n-' Her voice fell away the moment she felt his warm hand taking her arm as his finger caressed the skin around the bruise. She was surprised again at how soft and tender he could be. Those hands who had killed many men.
'Did he- Did he hurt you?' He asked carefully.
Inara looked up in his eyes and held her breath for a moment. She looked away and shook her head. But he did hurt Sivella.
'No, he didn't do this.' Inara said.
Mal looked up in surprise. He didn't understand. Then who did?
'You did.' The words left her mouth before she could think clearly. She didn't know why she said this.
He let go of her arm instantly as if he had burned his fingers.
The moment he let go of her arm she knew. It was to get some space, to give herself some room from him. He had come too close. But she wanted him close. And at the same time she didn't.
'When I wanted to run back to Sivella.' Inara quickly explained. She was glad that she didn't feel the heat of his skin against her skin anymore. It made her nervous, it made her afraid. It made her lose control.
Mal swallowed as he looked at her slender arms. 'Sorry. Didn't want to hurt you.'
'That's okay. I bruise easily.' Inara said as she wrapped her shawl around her and turned away.
'I never want to hurt you.'
She heard him say from behind her. She froze. She wanted to say that she knew, but that wasn't true. He had hurt her so many times. With his words, with his insults.
'You know that, don't you?' He questioned the moment she didn't answer.
She turned her face towards him, her eyes meeting his. 'I know that you don't want anyone else to hurt me.' She finally said.
He swallowed. He knew what she meant. He knew that sometimes his words hurt her. 'I meant physically.' He said as he took a step towards her.
She looked up at him.
He wanted to say something more. Tell her that he had felt awful the moment she was taken. That he had felt like she was a part of him, that if anyone would hurt her he would feel hurt. He wanted to tell her so many things, but the words wouldn't come. He didn't know how to tell her. He wanted to tell her how he wanted to make sure that she didn't have more bruises, how he wanted to take her in his arms, hold her close to make sure that she was safe.
'I know that.' She finally said.
'I know I don't have a way with words. Sometimes things come out different from what I want to say.' Mal said. He felt clumsily. He could see a faint smile play around her lips. This was the first time in many days that he saw something like a smile on her.
'The moment that man slapped you- And when they took you, I could-' He clenched his jaws in anger as he remembered that he wanted to kill them all.
'Mal- It's okay.' She said softly as she the top of her fingers softly against his stomach, the place where Blake had kicked him. 'I know you tried to stop him. You couldn't do anything at that moment.'
'You shouldn't be in situations like this.' He said as he looked intently at her face.
Inara had the feeling that they were talking about something else now.
'I sometimes think that- That Maybe Serenity is too dangerous for you.' He said the one thing that frightened him the most, that she should not be around Serenity any more.
'Mal, you forget that I have a will of my own. You are being too protective.'
Too protective? She could have been killed!
He took a step towards her so that they were only inches apart now.
'You could have died. I would have never forgiven myself.' He wanted to touch her. He wanted to hold her.
She looked up at him with her big brown eyes.
'It wouldn't have been your fault Mal. Not everything is your fault.'
He nodded as he looked away. He had noticed how tense her shoulders were. She suddenly walked to her dresser and began to rummage through some things.
Comfort. The word just popped into his mind. Kaylee had said to give her comfort.
'I could hold you.' He suggested.
Inara snapped up straight from her bending position and turned towards Mal. Had she heard this right?
He swallowed the moment these words had left his throat. It felt awkward the moment the words had left his mouth. Didn't feel that awkward in his head…
The look she was giving him right now…. She found it awkward too…
'Sorry?' Inara asked confused.
How stupid could he be? But they kissed, so holding was nothing weird? That would not be weird at all!
'With you bein' tense an' all, I could-, I could maybehaps if you wanted…. That I could hold you.' Mal stammered as he put his hands in his pockets.
Inara looked at him with big eyes and fluttered them a few times.
'Hold me?' Inara uttered still not believing if her ears were fooling her.
'Well, uh- yes, don't know if you would want to be held by me an' all…. Don't know what you Companions do to comfort each other or what you are used to and-' He was on a wrong track here again! 'But I mean, I do know that it can work comfortin', soothin' even, if one person holds another person. Could ask Kaylee to hold you if you'd better like her to ho-' He stopped rambling.
She didn't reply. She just stood there, frozen.
'I know from other woman when I was holding them-' Mal began. 'Not that I touched so many woman, I mean held so many woman- With children it helps too, not that you are a child, you're no child at all.' He swallowed. No child, all woman she was. He studied her shortly, she still hadn't reacted. 'T was a stupid suggestion.' He muttered quickly as he put his hands in his pockets again and turned to leave.
'No Mal, wait.' Inara said quickly. She had managed to get out of her frozen state.
Mal turned.
'I was just… Surprised.' She stated.
'Surprised?' Mal asked astonished.
'It's…. Very sweet that you want to help me.'
'Well, I'd do it for everyone. Wouldn't want no one of my crew hurtin' and all.' Mal quickly muttered. Sweet? Was that a good thing? He'd do it for everyone? What a lyer he was! He wouldn't touch Jayne! He wouldn't hug Wash! Maybe lil' Kaylee, or River. And most defenitately not Simon!
She smiled at him as she walked closer. She was touched by what he had said. It was so sweet of him. It really warmed her heart to see the trouble he was going through for her. And that he had come to talk to her and try to comfort her, eventhough she hadn't wanted anyone to be here at first.
'Inara? You've got a wave from Sheydra.' Wash said over the comm.
They both jumped in shock and quickly distanced themselves from each other again.
'Yes, thank you Wash.' Inara said while she tried to make her voice sound as steady as possible.
Blake's ship
Sivella's face collided with the hard wall of the ship. She sunk to the ground slowly and stayed there. There was no use in fighting back. There was no getting away.
"Hope is an important lesson. It can bring you far. It can make you or break you. If you do not have hope, you have nothing." The House Mistress had said once. Sivella had listened to that with open mouth. She quickly closed it the moment the House Mistress gave her a pointed look.
She tried to bring herself in a deep meditative state. A meadow, green long grass caressing her calves. There was a lot of hope for her. She began to walk and could feel the warm wind on her cheeks. The wind caressed her cheeks.
Her cheek hurt. She felt it swell already.
Blake grabbed her by her hair.
'Where are THEY?!' He shouted.
Water, there would be water in her meditative landscape. Flowing from a big waterfall. Tommy would be there. He would smile widely the moment he saw her. He would walk towards her, coming from a big lake. He would wear a red swimming trousers. She would laugh at him. And she would feel free of care. He would run towards her and lift her up effortlessly in the sky. He would be so happy to see her!
'Where are they?!' He shouted again.
Sivella looked up with glazed eyes. It was better to save her energy. To try and relax instead of tense her muscles.
They would both laugh hard. She would feel his muscled arms and pinch him in his chest to tease him. She liked teasing the ones she loved.
Inara. On Serenity. She would be playing a board game again, with Kaylee laughing, River looking concentrated. Mal would come in the kitchen to clean his guns again. But this time he would give her a wide smile. A knowing smile. Because they both would have given in to their feelings and had finally admitted them to each other while making wild love the night before over and over again. Sivella smiled. Inara would be so happy.
He slapped her and her head collided with the hard floor again. She saw his shoe next to her nose the moment she opened her eyes.
Inara would carry a red glow on her cheeks. She would have finally found the man that was her soulmate. The man they had dreamed about so many times. She would walk towards him and hug him from behind. She would kiss him on his cheek and caress his hair. Inara could be so caring. Sivella could see it happening right there. Inara's hand would caress Mal's stubbled cheeks. Things would be good. Lives would be different.
'Believe me Sivella. I will do everything it takes to find them. I WILL get it out of you.'
No he wouldn't. She would never tell. She would rather die.
'You stupid bitch!'
She would stand under a warm waterfall. She could feel all her troubles, all her sorrows, or her guilty feelings and regrets wash away from her…
'Let's see how long a Companion can hold her breath.' His hard voice came as cold water shocked her senses out of her meditation instantly. His hand forced her face in a bucket filled with ice-cold water.
The need for oxygen was extremely close, she wouldn't hold on very moved against the strong hand that held her head in the water but it didn't help. She needed air, oxygen… She couldn't… She saw yellow flashes in front of her and then everything became black.
Her body became limp.
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