Hi everyone! Thankyou for reviewing. I hope this chapter isn't very confusing, the dark letters describe what is happening in this moment and these makes you hear what Sivella is thinking and pondering about...

Breakfast

Touching, it's such a special thing. Sivella has always thought so. There are so many things in a touch. So many feelings.

A touch can say so many things. And it's not the touch of a client. That touch, that is the touch that you accept until a certain degree. You close down for that touch. You use it to read your client, to know what your client wants at that moment, know what he or she longs for. It is what a Companion does. She reads her clients and gives him or her what what he/ she wants or needs.

No, it aren't those touches. It's the way Inara brushes Kaylee's hair. The way her hand lingers on her shoulders. That is a real touch. It comes from Inara's heart. Sivella is sure of that. Inara has no need to close down then. Because Kaylee is dear to her.

And then there is the way she touches Simon. When she puts a hand on his arm, to comfort him. To console him. These touches are short, but they can support a person very good. Like now, when Inara is touching Simon's arm when he reaches for the water to give it to her.

And then there is Mal, he's sitting at the corner of the big kitchen table. Sivella hasn't seen Inara touch him. Maybe Inara has touched him once in a while, but Sivella doesn't remember seeing that. She knows why that is. She thinks of Tommy. The moment she would touch him she wouldn't be able to stop herself. All these feelings that she's trying to hold down will come up all at once. And she won't be able to stop them. No, Inara doesn't touch Mal. She doesn't because that way she can still keep him at a distance. Just a bit. To keep control.

'How long will we be staying on Sihnon?' Inara asked bussines like as she took a proteine bar.

'I don't know. Few days I guess. Thought you wanted to be with Sivella for a while.' Mal answered astonished.

The rest of the crew was silent.

Sivella looked up at Inara. It's weird if you think about it. That you keep the persons you care the most about at a distance. At least, some of them. The human brain works in weird way. She has had so many psychology classes, Pete was right about that. She was one of the best, next to Inara. And still, there are so many things she can't figure out. There are so many people she can read, so many mechanisms people use she can understand and react at. But her own mechanisms… They still overtake her. That is one thing Sivella thinks that is weird about life. That you can help others, know so much about them but that you don't seem to be able to do the same thing for yourself. Why is that?

Maybe because people are meant to be together? People are social animals after all, they are meant to live with each other, cope with each other, help each other, and how difficult that is sometimes… Sivella thinks about Mal and Inara fighting, pushing each other away.

But it can also give a person so much pleasure, fun and… Well, maybe for some persons (not her ofcourse) love. Sivella thinks of Thomas but pushes that line of thought away quickly.

One of Sivella's favourites has to be non-verbal communication. It says so much. Especially if you pay attention. A Companion knows almost everything about this sort of communication. She has to. She has to put away her own fears, wants, needs. She has to service another person. Has to give herself to the other person. That other person doesn't want her problems, fears or unfulfilled feelings and wants.

It is nice in a way, to push that away, hide yourself and pretend to feel good. Sivella remembers herself with clients on party's.

'Yes, that is true. I would like that.' Inara said sweetly. 'I just spoke to a few clients of mine. It's time to start working again.'

But what will a Companion do when the rare opportunity comes along of a man that in fact is interested in the woman behind the beautiful, well carved mask. It is only natural that that will cause a lot of friction inside the Companion. And probably between this man and woman too. Who is that man really to burge into her beautifully, welded world? Who is he to plunge behind that mask and pull at her wants, needs so preciously stored away?

Sivella looked from Inara at Mal. She could swear that he became a bit paler instantly at the word 'clients.'

'Well, then you'd better do that.' He answered with anger in his voice. 'And how long would the Ambassador need for these clients?'

In the beginning it is doable for the Companion. She will be a bit off her balance but that is nothing that can't be fixed. But somehow, this man has the talent to keep burging in, deeper and deeper. He doesn't go away, he doesn't leave. And that is when one of the most dangerous things will happen to the Companion. She will begin to doubt herself. That is a not done thing obviously. A Companion needs to be selfsure all the time. From the outside and most definitely from the inside. A Companion is a serene being who breathes peace and serenity. She brings comfort and a listening ear. She takes away your worry and gives you all you need. She will warm your heart momentarily with her words and her actions. If a Companion is not selfsure anymore she will not be able to do that as well as is needed. She will begin to falter.

Kaylee sighed Mal calling Inara 'the Ambassador' again.

'I think four days would be sufficient.' Inara stated.

But it's not just the doubt. There are more things. Sivella ponders about the effect it has for a woman, a Companion to push away her own feelings, her own needs. Ofcourse, the Guild makes sure that her Companions take time to deal with their needs, their wants. But that is just about things as learning about things you love, doing things that are good for the body such as physical excertion such as sports. Or having sex with your fellow Companions. But that is not about love. Nothing in the Training House can fullfill that need, that want.

'Could be good to get some supplies too.' Jayne mentioned. He was unaware of the tension that was in the air right now and that the rest of the crew was feeling as if it were almost visible.

And maybe a lot of Companions don't mind. They are alone. They will always be alone. And maybe, they allow themselves, they tell themselves that they aren't at these moments when they are on the arms of one of their many clients. Maybe the feeling of all these men wanting to be with them pushes away the need and want for love.

But doesn't a Companion truelly know what she is missing when that one man comes along and when he stirs up that one thing that is pushed away so far?

'Well if that is sufficient, let's see. Wash, what do you think? Do you think we can find a place where we can stay for let's say a week so Inara can perform her special art?' Mal said in a sarcastic voice.

And that is another thing Sivella doesn't understand about life. Why can't love be easy? Why does it have to go hand in hand with so many other feelings? Feelings that are pushed away. Because yes, when love comes up in a Companion, a lot of other things will come up too. That is inevitable. And that also is, when the real trouble starts.

Wash opened his mouth. How had he gotten into this all of a sudden? 'She can go with her shuttle, like always.' He mentioned with wide eyes.

'Did you hear that miss Serra?' Mal said coldly and sarcastic as he looked back at her.

'Yes Mal.' Inara said in a sugary voice but her eyes stood cold and hard. 'I did.'

And then there is a choice to be made. A choice that will change the Companion's life forever. The question is simple, will the Companion choose for this man and for that love, or will she go away, run, leave. The answer to that could be a simple yes, or no. But again, it brings so many things with it.

Sivella remembers that she runs off with her bags, that she doesn't say goodbye to Thomas. She remembers looking at a picture of him and leaving it behind. Her decision is made.

Kaylee noticed how she rather had the Captain and Companion fighting and shouting then this. Just a little while longer and the room would freeze over. She looked at the other Companion but Sivella just looked very tired and pale. Kaylee figured that Sivella was deep in thought because she was staring at her plate.

Sivella knows, and she knows this out of her own experience that running away, or leaving feels so much easier. It feels good. It feels that with every step you take, every mile you get away from that man you get back your control again. A smile will play on your face again and you will feel selfsure again. But then, a day later the misery will start. And that is something Sivella hates. The Companion will begin to feel empty, as if something is missing. IN the beginning she doesn't know that it's the man she misses. That she denies herself something that she wants deep in her heart. Or maybe, she knows that deep inside herself. But she will not admit it. Because she is in control again.

Sivella looks at Inara. She knows that Inara has left Serenity to go back to the Training House before. The Companion decides again. She finds out that she made the wrong choice maybe. But that is another thing Sivella hates about life. Knowing something is so totally different from actually doing it in rea lifel. Sivella knows that Inara has kissed Mal before. So yes, the Companion has taken the step. But she doesn't know what to do with it. How to handle it. How to act with all these feelings.

'I've got a better option. I could also bring Sivella back and you can already go to Sihnon to keep your clientele up.' Mal said.

Sivella's head snapped up by the mention of her name.

'You've been out of practice an' all for a while now I guess. I should have known that you couldn't keep your legs together for such a long time.' Mal stated.

Sivella held her breath as she looked from Mal to Inara.

Kaylee held her breath in shock too.

And then, it is so easy when the man does something wrong. Or something to hurt the Companion. She will shut herself instantly like an oister. Because now she has a reason, an example that she should really stay away from him. Now she can tell herself that that is for the best. So she might choose the easy way after all. The way of running.

'Do you have a problem with our bussiness agreement captain?' Inara asked icely with her face a cold mask. She was challenging him.

Sivella knows that she herself has choosen that way. And that she will be going on that way, but she doesn't want Inara to. Because she can see that Inara wants Mal. That she loves him. And for all the difficulties that has brought and will bring, she wants Inara to know what she will miss out on if she won't take that step.

'Inara..' Kaylee said shocked. She knew that if the captain would answer negative that Inara might make the decision to leave? Dread filled the young mechanic.

Sivella has seen them, those Companions who choose to run and tell themselves that it was better that way. Those Companions have a bitterness around them. Like they have lost something. And in a way they did. Ofcourse, they will never ever tell you that, or will ever show that, but when you look deeper you can see that there is an emptiness insight of them. They have never managed to fill that emptiness. Sivella can't imagine Inara being one of them. She deserves so much more. Sivella eyes Mal. She believes this man to be good for her. Even when he insults her, hurts her. They belong together, that is a feeling.

'Sivella you have a wave, it's Thomas McGarrett.' Wash's voice came from the doorway.

Sivella doesn't want to become a bitter Companion too, she doesn't want to have that emptiness in her. But she feels that it is too late already. There already is an emptiness inside of her. It is another emptiness that has got nothing to do with love. It has got everything to do with pain. And she doesn't know how to heal that. So maybe she should accept that it is there. So she looks up at Wash. She didn't even notice him leaving before.

'Please tell him I am too tired now.' Her reply comes.

Wash studies her shortly and then nods as he leaves.

She suddenly sees another reason for her wanting Inara and Mal to be together. Besides the fact that she thinks Inara will be happy, it might give herself a bit of happiness too. Because after all, a Companion cares for others, comforts them, helps them. Maybe that will make that emptiness inside of herself bareble. Just a bit.

Once the Companion has chosen for the way of leaving (running really isn't the nice word for it) she will push him away hard if need be. Sivella truly hopes that Inara will turn back on that road before it is too late and she has pushed Mal too hard. Inara should choose the other road.

'He says that that is not an option.' Wash states from the doorway.

Sivella looks up again with surprise on her face, quickly washed over by anger.

'How dare he?!' Sivella states angrily.

Everyone looks up at her in surprise at her irritated outburst.

'Will you tell him-' Sivella begans.

Wash shakes his head. 'Maybe you better tell him yourself, I don't like being between this anymore. It's the fourth time he's trying to reach you.'

O, she will tell him. He'll get it now. Sivella thinks angrily as she stands up from her chair.

'You can take it in the shuttle?' Inara offers. Sivella notices to her relief that her friends eyes stand soft and sweet again. So unlike only minutes ago when she was talking to Mal.

'That won't be necessary, this conversation will be very short.' Sivella states.

'Glad I ain't that man right now.' Jayne remarks when Sivella has left.


The crew nods and even Inara has to agree with that.

Who is that man really to burge into her beautifully, welded world? Who is he to plunge behind that mask and pull at her wants, needs so preciously stored away?

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Next chapters will be a lot of dialogue again! Please tell me what you thought...