Hi everyone! Thank you so much for the reviews. This chapter is quite long to explain more about Thomas. I promise a lot of Mal/ Inara in the next chapter again!! Hope you like this one too.

0000000

Medical Bay

'What is wrong with her?' Inara asked the moment Simon had examined her and came towards her. She was standing in the doorway.

'She fainted. I think she did too much these last days. She should have taken more rest.' Simon told Inara. 'Did she eat enough? Drink enough? Because she says she did but somehow I don't really believe it.' Simon told Inara as he looked at Sivella who was studying a small wound on her hand now.

She had seen Sivella eat. But drink? Inara looked at Sivella now too. She knew that that was the way her friend handled stress and tension. She remembered whenever an exam or test had come up in the Training House how she hadn't been able to eat anymore. Or how when Sivella felt bad about something she even forgot to eat.

'I am not sure. I'll make sure she eats and drinks enough.' Inara promised.

'I'll help her back to your shuttle.' Simon said.

Inara's shuttle

'Thankyou Simon.' Inara said as Simon nodded and left the shuttle.

'Shall I get you some water?' Inara asked.

'No thankyou.' Sivella said as she shook her head and tried to sit comfortably on the red sofa. She still felt very weak and somewhat dizzy.

'Here.' Inara said after a short moment as she handed Sivella a glass of water.

Sivella looked up at her with sad eyes.

'You know how I hate it when you don't take good care of yourself.' Inara stated softly.

She took the drink from Inara while she avoided eye contact.

'You were right.' Sivella said after a short pause.

'Right?' Inara asked as she sat herself down next to her.

'What you said yesterday.' Sivella took a sip of her drink before she looked Inara straight in her eyes. 'I pushed a lot of people away. I thought I could do everything alone. That I -should- do everything alone.' Sivella looked up at Inara. 'I should have contacted Sheydra earlier. And Grace, Pete... Even Thomas.' Sivella admitted as she shook her head and took another drink. She had shut them out.

'Sometimes it's difficult to let other people close. You know that as well as I do.' Inara reminded her softly. Sivella shouldn't be too hard on herself.

Sivella nodded. 'And about our fight yesterday, you were right too. I did want Thomas.' She closed her eyes and sighed.

Inara smiled softly as she studied Sivella's face. She noticed how pale she still looked.

'Believe me, I fought it, but I wanted him. I wanted him so badly that it tore me up from the inside. Especially because I've never wanted a man like that before.'

Inara leaned back on her comfortable sofa. She recognised every word Sivella spoke. That was exactly how it felt with Mal. She had fought him so many times, had fought herself, her emotions but whatever she did, nothing had helped. But last night, giving into these emotions, it had felt so good... Frightening, but good...

'I didn't want to loose control.' Sivella admitted as she eyed Inara again.

'You never told me about him.' Inara began as she poored a glass of water for herself and sat on the sofa again. 'I had the idea that you know him and Pete well.'

Sivella sighed. 'I did tell you about him, I just didn't use his name.'

Inara thought about that.

'I must have, after the numerous times I was annoyed by him. Maybe I called him Tommy. I like that name better than 'Thomas'.' Sivella said.

'Will you tell me about him?' Inara asked.

She didn't want to. She didn't want to tell anyone, but Inara deserved to know. Sivella nodded after a short pause.

'There were always a lot of party's and other social gatherings that the Blake's gave or that we went too, Edward was a very powerful high man who had to show himself in every social gathering there was. And that's also where I met Thomas many times...'

'Well well, if it isn't Miss Thenar who comes to grace the mere servants in the barn herself! To what do we owe this pleasure?' Thomas' voice came as his green eyes fell on the long silken red dress Sivella was wearing. It revealed her cleavage and her long neckline, as well as her other curves.

Sivella eyed him annoyed as she nodded friendly at Pedro, the man that always took care of Blake's horses.

'You don't owe this pleasure at all.' Sivella said in a snappy voice as she gave him a piercing look. She then looked at Pedro and pasted a friendly smile on her face as she nodded at him. 'Pedro.'

'Miss Thenar.' Pedro said in a greeting as he looked at Thomas and quickly left the two to get back to cleaning the stables.

'Tommy is a rich man, a friend of Blake's family. So he was around a lot. But what he liked to do most was talk to the servants, help them in the barns. He wasn't like the other rich men. He was so different, he wasn't a man who bragged, he was someone who was really interested in people, who didn't look down on others. He didn't like the party's and that's why he helped Pedro a lot with the horses. He loved horses. His family always wanted him to be at these social events. If it was up to him, he wouldn't have come at all. And that's why I saw him often because I liked the horses too and then I would run into him by accident. I used the time with the horses to get away from all the high pompus people, because sometimes it was just too much for me to be around them all the time. Thomas didn't like what I did. Being a Companion. He was against Companions. He made no secret of that. I think he loved insulting me. Coming up with ways to see a crack in my exposure. And believe me, he was good at it.'

'Why can't you just act normal towards me?' Sivella asked as she looked at him angrily.

'You aren't going to tell me that you are a normal woman are you Miss Thenar?' His gaze had something mocking in it. 'You are a Companion, after all. A reader of men, a satisfier of men.' He said in a challenging tone as he eyed her with a fierce gaze now. 'At least... Of some who would want that kind of company.' His tone sounded condescending and negative.

'We fought so many times… I think it's easier for men to see us as whores. They find it difficult when we service others. It's like they can't see that it's not just about sex what we have with a client.' Sivella paused for a moment. Inara nodded in agreement.

'I know that you don't like Companions.' Sivella began as she narrowed her eyes at Thomas. 'I just don't know why.' Her face lit up as she eyed him up and down. 'Maybe a Companion turned you down? That must be it.' She said with a satisfied smile.

'O, there you are wrong. I am not in need of any Companion, ever.' He promised her.

Sivella noticed that Thomas was standing a lot closer all of a sudden, how had that happened without her noticing?

'Some men will never have the honour to receive a Companion, that is true.' She said in a controlled voice as she turned her back towards him and patted the horse behind her. That was it, she had the last word. And that satisfied her deeply. That arrogant, pigheaded-

'That's not the case.' She heard him say in his low, male voice behind her back.

'I don't WANT a Companion.'

Sivella held her breath at that.

'Your ways are fake.' He stated near her ear. How she wanted to turn around and stand on his foot, or pinch him. Or do something to hurt him!

But she did nothing of the sort, being the trained Companion that she was, her hand just froze on the stallions dark manes. And then, after a few seconds she turned around to face him.

He was not only annoying, but very rude too. To talk to a Companion like that.

'I am sorry?' Sivella asked as she eyed him. She said it in a polite tone but she let her eyes show a warning glare.

'Tell me Sivella, why would I want a woman who is fake?' He asked as he eyed her. It was very clear to her that he wasn't impressed at all by her obvious anger. Which surprised her, most men would do something to calm her or to satisfy her instantly.

Why did the word 'fake' stab her so much?

'Fake? We are not fake.' Sivella answered in a controlled voice. Very controlled.

He seized her up and then laughed shortly at her. 'Ofcourse you are. It's everything you stand for.' He said as he gestured towards her.

'I beg your pardon?' She asked as she looked at him in anger now, not trying to hide her feelings behind a mask anymore.

'For starters, everything you do is fake. You just tune into the man and find out what it is he wants. You aren't yourself, you just play to be the perfect woman for him. Everywhere: on his arm, around the house, in his bed. But it's never really you is it? It's always the woman he wants it to be.'

'I just stared at him. I couldn't believe someone was saying something like that to me. So bolt, so unheard of. No man had ever talked to me like that.' Sivella explained heatedly to Inara.

'I sometimes pity you.'

Sivella laughed shortly in the most mocking tone she could come up with as she turned towards the horse again. She wouldn't listen to him anymore. She would shut his words out.

'Always satisfying others.' His voice came.

But why didn't the shutting-out work? Why did his words ring through her head like they were important to her? Very important?

Thomas studied her shortly, as his eyes finally rested on the back of her head. He took a few steps towards her and bended over her shoulder. 'But who satisfies you?' He asked in her ear.

She gasped the moment his low voice sent chills up her spine and she felt his warm breath against the soft skin of her earlobe. She berated herself immediately for gasping. Especially when she saw the smirk on his face after that.

'You gasped?' Inara asked surprised. She knew that if Sivella wanted to, she could hide everything she wanted, every feeling, every nuance in her tone, she could wear the perfect mask. But obviously, not from this man..

'Well, you would have gasped too!' Sivella defended herself. It wasn't like she was proud of her letting slip a physical reaction like that to him. She hadn't wanted him to notice what his close proximity did to her. It was like he knew. He was just challenging her.

'Well, so much thinking about Companions and how to satisfy them, it seems that you're fantasizing a lot.' Sivella had turned around towards him and had pasted one of her most arrogant masks on her face, especially made for him. 'That prooves that you would like the Company of a Companion.' She looked him up and down with both her eyebrows raised in a mocking stare. 'Maybe there's just no one who wants you, because really... You are way out of our league.'

He smirked again as his green eyes rested on her face. ' You are so good at turning my words around. You know as well as I do, that I can pick any woman that I want.'

'And the annoying thing is that he was right! There actually really are a lot of woman who want him. It would have been so easy if he just would have been an ugly, pigheaded creep that no one was interested in! That arrogant... ' She swallowed her insult.

'I should start picking then if I were you, so you can leave me alone. I find your presence an annoyance that I can live without very happily.' Sivella stated in a mean voice.

He paused shortly before he came with his answer.

'Just tell me one more thing.' He paused shortly. 'I always wonder about the men that choose to be with a Companion. Why would they choose a Companion over a real woman?'

Sivella narrowed her eyes. 'A real woman?' She asked, not understanding. Not wanting to understand but she was already too late. Anger built up in the pit of her stomach, anger that she had pushed away a few seconds ago. That man, that irritating....

'Yes, most sane men would want a woman that feels and speaks her opinion. Not some doll that says everything they want.'

Inara's eyes grew big in shock.

'A doll?! A real woman?! That must have angered you!' Inara said in astonishment as she eyed Sivella.

'O, he knew how to push my buttons. And he was pushing them whenever he had the chance. And it worked, because after those words I exploded momentarily before I could even think about my training.'

Sivella got an angry gleam in her eyes again by just thinking about it.

Sivella couldn't stop her eyes from growing big at the word 'doll.'

So she was not a real woman in his eyes?! How dare he?! She was so shocked by this insult that she couldn't think momentarily. Men had stood in line for her! And doll? As if she was just an item, a product with no brains.

'A woman that squirms under my touch because I am touching that special place on her body that she likes so much, not because she wants to please me.' Thomas went on.

'Are you telling me that I am 'some doll?' Sivella spat in his face. Her nostrils flared as she looked at him as if she was ready to attack him.

'I felt my cheeks burning up and I think the muscles in my neck even showed.' Sivella told Inara ashamed. She should have controlled herself that moment.

'It's just a matter of speaking, explaining what I meant.' Thomas said casually, not at all threatened by her.

His answer and his cool exposure worked like fire on oil for her.

'Maybe I don't care about what you mean!' She spat.

'Now, if that were true then you wouldn't stand in front of me with steam coming from your ears and nose.'

'He was pushing you!' Inara concluded amazed.

Sivella nodded. 'Ow, and how I wanted to rip his throat out that moment!'

Sivella counted to ten in her hand and tried to breathe normal again. It was either this or almost attacking this man, and she knew that that was not an option for a Companion.

'I'll have you know that there are a lot of man who stand in line for MY company! Companions are REAL woman, some men just can't come up to our standarts.' The moment the words came out of her mouth she felt how weak this reply had been.

Sivella sighed with regret. 'That was a weak come-back of me. I have to admit. I just don't understand, around that man... It seems that I loose my ability for smart come-backs instantly.' Sivella muttered angrily.

Inara smiled.

Thomas smiled again. 'O yes, keep telling yourself that. If that makes you feel better...' He said as he turned away and walked off. She stared at his broad shoulders and his strong muscular back as her eyes filled with a killing stare.

'He doesn't seem that nice..' Inara commented with frowned brows.

Sivella sighed shortly. She began to make an imaginary painting on her nightgown. 'I hated him. He always knew everything better, always had to make stupid remarks. So I stayed out of his way ofcourse, because that's what you do when you don't like someone. But somehow, he just kept coming in my way. And the irritating thing was that he was- well, I have to say, very attractive. At first I didn't notice that, well I did, but not in the way that that interested me. But then, after a while, it began to interest me.'

'You're very nice to the children.' A low voice commented behind her.

Sivella looked up to find Thomas standing next to her. She had been standing there for a while now. Looking fondly at Mary and David who were playing near the porch. They were so sweet together. So small, so innocent.

'They are nice children.' Sivella said.

'It was the day Pete had been in an accident. He had fallen into an alcove and we all went to help. I climbed down to help him because I was the only one who fit in the whole with the rope. Ofcourse the children fit there but I didn't want them to take that risk. There was a danger of everything colliding on top of us.'

'Thankyou for saving my brother.' Thomas suddenly said as he looked at her.

She suddenly noticed how green his eyes were and she swallowed.

'I noticed that if I wasn't angry with him, or annoyed, or when we weren't arguing for a change, that then I really began to see how he was, how he looked. How nice he really was..'

Inara nodded. Yes, she recognised that too.

'I- I didn't really save him. I am sure another way would have been found if I hadn't been around.' She spoke quickly as she looked in the distance. Avoiding eye contact.

'But you were around. I might have underestimated you. You might have more skills than I thought.' She heard him say.

'I felt chills go up my spine, just because he was near, because I heard his voice, because he wasn't insulting me. He was being nice. I couldn't have that. Those feelings weren't allowed to be stirred up inside of me.'

'It was a choice out of two lesser things: either I was angry and annoyed, irritated which wasn't very nice to feel a lot of times, or I had all these feelings I couldn't control and I shouldn't have. I choose the first option, it also felt that much safer.'

Inara nodded. Yes, it did feel safer. She remembered it with Mal and her. How when he came close it was so easy to do something to make him angry. To get in that comfortable zone again, at least, as far as you could call that 'comfortable.' It was better then having the idea that you were losing control. At least, that was what she had done these last years. And now she had chosen for the seconds option. Inara felt a warm feeling spread through her body as she thought about Mal. That second option felt so much better.

She looked at him, anger coming up again.

'Maybe you're just very superficial.' Sivella stated angrily. 'And how nice it is to always hear your frank opinion, especially when I never want it!' She bit at him as she made a move to leave. But she felt his hand around her upper arm, stopping her. She looked from his hand at him. Fire in her eyes.

'Thankyou.' He just said, with a calmth in those green eyes she didn't understand.

'And before I knew it, I began to sometimes enjoy his company.' Sivella admitted.

'We fought a lot, bantered always and sometimes even managed to talk shortly. But then another fight would come up. This went on and on until I realised that I was actually- I can't believe that I am admitting this- jealous.' Sivella turned around now slowly to face Inara. She could admit this now because she knew that chapter was closed. She would never see him again. Not in person anyway.

'I was so jealous when another woman would give him attention and he would laugh at her, talk to her. And I hate being jealous. I never had the need to be jealous either, I could get every man I wanted.... Almost.'

Inara nodded. That was true, Sivella had always been a popular Companion with her witty ways, her charming smiles, the way that she could read people. She could charm someone over with a witty joke that would make everyone laugh instantly. And to top that she could put a very innocent look in her eyes. Yes, she was talented.

Sivella's brows knitted together. 'Well, and then I would become a bit mean. Say things to push him away and-' Sivella stopped momentarily.

'I didn't know myself like that. I found out that I was actually afraid. So afraid. I have never ever felt something like that for a man. It was so confusing, but also so annoying, as if I couldn't control myself anymore, my emotions, my wants, my needs. Whether I want to or not. It just didn't go away. How much I fought that feeling, I fought him, nothing worked.'

It was as if Inara heard herself talking, thinking. She remembered how angry she had been when Saffron was on Serenity. How awful she had felt when the woman seemed to be Mal's wife. And when he came to her shuttle for refuge how she had snapped at him. Especially when he had began about kids. His and Saffron's kids!

Sivella sighed as she looked in the distance.

'And what is even worse is that I began to doubt myself! I began to believe that these woman were special, prettier, funnier, better, smarter then me. That was when I thought I should stop this. It wasn't good for my job. So I decided to push him away hard. That was the only solution I could come up with.'

'And the pushing worked, but I couldn't have forseen what happened then. I felt even more miserable without seeing him. I began to miss him.' Sivella shook her head as she thought about that. 'I changed throughout the year. Wondered if I still wanted to live this way. Always servicing others. I think- I think that I- I don't want to service others anymore.'

'Others? Do you mean that you want to be with him?'

Sivella shook her head. 'O, no. Ofcourse not.' Sivella said quickly as if the idea alone was proposterous. 'He's just… In the past. I just want to do other things. But I don't know yet, I am too tired after everything that has happened to think clearly about my past. And I don't want to hide my feelings anymore behind a perfectly made mask.'

Sivella remembered the moment she had almost kissed Thomas. How she had looked in his eyes as he had bended towards her. She could feel his breath on her lips. She looked away, so he couldn't kiss her. She stalked off without looking back, not once.

'I want to be myself. I want to be myself around others.'

Inara nodded.

'Where is he now?'

'Pfft I don't know.' She said nonchalantly as if she didn't care. 'I thought he was on Sandria, but he wasn't with Pete when he came for me. He was probably too busy….'

'Maybe he couldn't come. Is he on Sihnon? He said that he went to your aunt?' Inara offered.

'I don't care, and I don't want to know. The only regret I have is that I didn't say goodbye that night… Everything went so fast. I had to leave so quickly.'

'Did he know what Blake did to you?' Inara questioned.

Sivella shook her head. 'No, I hid it well. Blake didn't hit me in the beginning, it was just once. And then I began to open my eyes.

Inara could see so much grieve in Sivella's eyes. She bended forward to caress her cheek softly.

'I felt so horrible that I had stabbed him. But I decided yesterday that I don't have to worry about that anymore, he stabbed me back so that kind of takes some guilt away.' Sivella quipped in an effort to lighten the mood somewhat.

'Ow Sivella.' Inara sighed in worry as she remembered the big stab wound the Companion had in her side.

'But no, Thomas didn't know. You know how well I can pretend.'

Inara frowned her brows. 'I sometimes wish you couldn't.' She said honoustly.

'It has helped me many times.'

Inara nodded.

'I am afraid to change Inara. Letting go of the life you are so used to. And it doesn't even seem to matter if that life is bad. You're just afraid that it will get worse if you do something else. It feels like taking a wild leap.'

Inara sighed. Yes, it felt like that. It felt exactly like that.

'I know I pushed you and Mal. But the reason that I did that, besides the fact that I want you to be happy, is that I understand. I recognised Thomas and me in the both of you. I wanted you to have what I never had with him. I think you are afraid too, just like me.'

'If you believe that, why aren't you going back to Thomas? I don't understand.'

'No, he will probably have someone else already. He probably didn't even miss me. And I should heal first. I really want to see my aunt now. And it's not like we had anything. I stayed very professional. I still had a client at that moment.' She remembered again how she had almost kissed him. The moment he had bended forward, had wanted to kiss her, how she had almost complied. It had been for the best that she had walked away. Best for everyone. But somewhere, deep inside, she wished that she had given in to her feelings. Just for a moment. Just to feel how it was. To feel how it was to kiss him, to let him close. But no, maybe this was indeed for the best. You couldn't miss what you didn't know right? At least, that is what some people say...

'Ow Inara, what am I doing? I am too young to turn into a bitter old woman or Companion.' Sivella said as she took Inara's arm and nestled against her side contently.

'You always feel so warm.' Sivella commented when she felt Inara's warm side.

Inara smiled softly at that.

'What does Tommy look like?' Inara suddenly asked as she looked dreamily at her table and tried to imagine what sort of person he was and how he would look. She had heard Sivella talk to him, or snap at him on the wave but she hadn't really seen him.

Inara heard Sivella sigh. 'O well, you know…. Like a man.'

'That's a good description.' Inara stated with humor in her voice, she noticed how Sivella had trouble with the subject. 'And how would a man look?' Inara asked lightly.

'I think you know very well how a man looks.' Sivella's cheeky comment came.

'I am perticularly interested in a man who manages to get to you.' Inara countered.

'He has two legs, two arms, two eyes a nose and a mouth, that was it.' Sivella summarized quickly.

'I hope that that isn't all he has.' Inara teased. 'A pair of ears could be helpful. And a pair of-'

'Inara, please…Don't go there.' Sivella warned urgently as she straightened herself against the sofa, away from Inara.

'Almost everything you told me about him is negative. What made you like him?' Inara questioned curiously.

'Dear Buddha you are persistent.' Sivella stated. 'But I guess I owe you, after all I put you through.' Sivella said as she smiled slyly.

Inara rolled her eyes.

'I will tell this once and then I will never ever repeat it to anyone anymore.' She said as she turned towards her. She allowed herself to indulge in these memories for just a few minutes and then she had to promise herself that that was over for good.

Inara nodded as she sat up straight and waited patiently.

'He's a very sweet man, very social. Thinks about others a lot and really cares about people. He's funny and smart, witty, outgoing, creative, adventurous, charming, he wants to learn a lot and he's very strong. Mentally and physically.' Sivella smiled wickedly. 'And dear Buddha, you should see the body that he has on him. All muscular and tall and broad. How many times I imagined how all that muscle would feel under my touch, how his arms would feel around me, how... Well, that's him.' She stopped talking abruptly.

'Well..' Inara said after a short pause. 'It seems like the tables have turned here. I can not wait for the day I get to meet him. I won't let you live it down.' Inara smiled mischievously.

'I am very sorry for you then.' Sivella replied cockily. 'Because you will never meet him.' She said with a relieved expression on her bruised and swollen face. He would be long gone back to Sandria again. And if it were up to her, she would never EVER set one foot on Sandria again.

Somewhere else....

'How did you get here?" He asked.

He smiled. 'Let's just say that I borrowed a gun.'

He grinned widely at that. 'Very good job. There are just a few more of them, we should arrange this mess.' He said as he dropped the ropes that had him bound to the chair.

'Yes, and then I have the perfectly good idea.'

'That's what I like to hear.'

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Please let me know what you think!! xxx