Hi everyone, thanks for the reviews, I'm a bit late with replying but I still will, for now the rest of the story...

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Sivella opened her eyes and looked at Inara sleepily.

'Inara.' She said in a low voice.

'What are you doing on the floor?' Inara inquired worried as she squatted near her instantly.

'I was just thinking.' Sivella said in a sad tone as she looked at the ceiling. 'And then I must have fallen asleep.' She sat up slowly and held her head. 'How late is it?'

'Well, you're late for breakfast. Everyone is already downstairs having breakfast for a while now.' Inara said.

'O.' Sivella groaned as she rubbed her eyes. It was like everything just hurt.

'You had a bad night?' Inara inquired in a soft tone.

Sivella nodded as she sat herself on the bed. 'Yes.' She paused momentarily when she thought back of last night. 'I dreamt about Blake. Who else?' Sivella looked at Inara. 'He killed me.... He sliced my throat.' She put her hand against her throat as if she remembered it vividly. 'There was so much blood... And I couldn't do anything.' Sivella looked away when her eyes became watery. She took a deep breath to calm herself and then looked back at Inara. 'It felt so real. I just died, right there on the floor. I hate how vivid my dreams are.' She said exhausted.

'How did you end up on the floor?' Inara asked surprised.

'I lied down for a moment there, just to think. I have a lot to think about.'

Hallway

Inara's breath caught in her throat when two arms suddenly sneaked around her waist and she got pulled against a warm chest. 'Mal.' She smiled as he kissed her neck.

He suddenly held up a flower for her. She raised an eyebrow in surprise and took the flower.

'Surprised?' Mal asked with a smug look on his face.

She looked at him with big eyes. 'I just didn't know that you were that romantic.'

'Guess there are a lot a things you don't know 'bout me. Maybe you should find out.' Mal said as gave her a big cheeky wink.

'Maybe I should.' Inara said in a warm and low voice as she eyed him and linked her arm through his.

The porch

Sivella sighed as she saw Thomas lying on the wooden bench on the porch. He was sleeping. She froze, didn't want to wake him and took a few minutes to study him. It was so much easier if his eyes were closed. She studied his tall, strong frame and a shudder went through her. Why did things always have to be so difficult? She closed her eyes momentarily. She had been so mean to him. That hadn't been her. That had been her fear speaking. Her need to protect herself. She felt the scar on her cheek. Ever since what happened, that need to protect herself had become very strong. She walked towards him softly and sat down next to him on the wooden bench. She remembered what Pete had said. Could it really be that he cared about her? She softly touched his hair. It felt so soft. Her finger followed the line of his cheek. She felt the stubbles of his coming beard under her finger. No, this wasn't what she wanted to change in. She should apologise. And she would, it was just SO difficult.. Because he would come close again, too close.. She swallowed as she felt fear building up in the pit of her stomach again.

She looked at his lips. He looked so peaceful. Maybe she could... No, she shouldn't. She looked around her to see if there was no one who could see her. But if she would... She would know and then she could push it away. She bended forward slightly and placed her lips on his softly. Dear Buddha, don't wake up. Don't. She quickly let go. He hadn't woken up. And there was no one around. Maybe she could do that again, just to lose some frustrating feelings, just to vent somehow. Her lips found his again and she found herself enjoying the feel of his lips. She automatically took his bottom lip between her teeth slowly and suckled on it with her tongue. She loosened herself instantly and jumped up as she panted hard.

What was she doing?! Had she gone crazy? Did she feel guilty allright! How low could she go? Kissing a man while he was out? Practically raping him? She sighed in frustration as she turned her back towards him shortly. Great, something new to add to the long list of things she wasn't happy about on herself. And it didn't help with the feelings at all! She wanted to rip off his clothes and make love to him right there. But why was it so difficult for her to admit this when the man in fact was consciouss? Wouldn't it be more fun to have the other person participating? It probably was so difficult because the man himself was just irritating and annoying to no ends.

Thomas woke up with a start suddenly.

Sivella took a step back in shock.

Then he recognised her. 'Sivella?' He asked groggily as he rubbed his eyes.

'I was just, I wasn't.... You were, it's not like I was.. You were..' Great I am stuttering again! Sivella scolded herself. She noticed how he raised his eyebrows in suprise at her stammering.

'Sll... sleeping.' She said quickly as she straightened her dress. And raping you. A treachourous voice in the back of her head added to that.

He sat up straight and looked around him as if to coordinate himself. He flexed his muscular torso probably because the bench had been harder against his back then he had anticipated.

Sivella took another step back and leaned against the porch railing. She needed support, something to stop her heart from beating like a wild hammer against her chest.

She swallowed. Don't think about what you just did. O, imagine if he had woken up then! That would have been awful!

'I came to apologise.' She said quickly, before she would just want to run off. How was it even possible that she, the Trained Companion who could wind a lot of men around her finger just like that stood trembling and feeling like a little girl in front of this man?

Thomas looked up at that as he settled his back against the bench again.

'I am sorry for what I said.' She turned towards him as her dark eyes gazed into his seriously. 'I was mean. I shouldn't have been.' She looked in the distance and saw Mal and Inara walking there, hand in hand. She smiled slightly at the sight of them.

Thomas followed her gaze.

'You aren't beneath me.' She looked back at him. 'Not at all. No one is.' She closed her eyes shortly. She shook her head as she let go of the railing and turned towards him fully. 'I am a mess right now. My whole life.. Is a mess. I can't use any more complications.' She gave him a sad look. 'I am sorry.' She said as took a step towards the door to leave.

'Did you think about me?' Thomas asked.

'What?' Sivella asked as she turned around.

'Did you ever think about me?' He asked as he studied her face. It didn't move, but then again she was trained to show nothing. 'When you were gone?' He added softly. He wanted to know.

It was so easy to lie. So easy to say no. But she remembered all those times she thought about him, how it had helped her to move on.

She was at a loss for words. 'Uhm..I- Well... I... Maybe sometimes a bit.' She finished lamely.

He smirked. He knew very well what it meant when she was at a loss for words.

'But I, I thought about a lot of people..' So it really didn't mean a thing that I thought about you... She quickly added to that.

He crossed his arms in front of his chest and raised an eyebrow in irritation as he shook his head and breathed out. It seemed like he had held his breath for a long time. He stood up and Sivella wanted to take a step back, eventhough he wasn't close at all, but still. She wanted as much room between them as possible. But she didn't move. She didn't want to show how much this affected her.

'It hurt me when you had dissapeared into thin air. Just like that.' He said as he remembered the moment he had found out she was gone vividly. 'I went after you, wanted to know why you didn't say goodbye. How you could have just left like that. I care-'

'Thomas wait!' Sivella interrupted quickly as she held up her hand to stop him.

He stopped midsentence with his mouth still open.

'I owed you an explenation earlier, I'm sorry about that.' She said as she breathed in quickly. 'I didn't say goodbye because I had to leave quickly. It had nothing to do with you, if there had been time I would have said goodbye. I would. But... And then Edward came after me, I had to protect myself... He would kill me so I had to go instantly.'

He nodded. 'I understand.'

'No...' She shook her head. 'You don't understand.' Sivella said as she took a step towards him. 'He took everything from me. My dignity... ' She got a hurt and angry frown between her brows. 'He ruined me. All that's left is this mean woman who lashes out to everyone. You deserve better.' Her facial expression had grown hard and cold.

'I'm sorry that I kissed you.' Thomas suddenly said.

She gave him a surprised and confused look at the change of subject.

'I mean, I didn't mind kissing you, it was the way I did it. I shouldn't have done that, it was the wrong moment. Next time I'll wait until you kiss me.' He smiled at her.

She still seemed confused.

Sivella shook her head after a short moment of letting his words sink in. 'That won't happen. Don't you understand? Nothing can happen between us. We're too different and you hate what I do. You are a good man, so I wish you the best. And that's all I wish for you.' She stated as she turned and walked towards the door again.

'Really?' He asked as he took a step towards her.

She stopped in her pace again. She really didn't feel up to this. She wanted this conversation to be over, again. He wouldn't let her go easily, that was clear. She turned around irritated. As she eyed him annoyed from under he big, long and dark eyelashes.

'I don't agree. But that's nothing new isn't it? Us disagreeing?' He said as he looked down at her with a stern look in his eyes.

Sivella swallowed. Had he just grown a few inches? He seemed so tall all of a sudden. 'Thomas, I am in a mess right now. A big mess and I-'

'I want to kiss you.' He said.

'W- What?' She spat out surprised.

'I wanted to kiss you the moment you stepped into the living room. And I would have if you hadn't been hurt that badly.' He explained.

'Did you hear anything about what I was saying?' She asked irritated.

'About you being a mess you mean?' He asked as he looked at a stray curl in her face.

'Yes, I am serious about that. I am a difficult person-'

'As if I don't know that. I've seen you being difficult in all sorts of ways these last years remember? And I made a decision. I decided that if I would find you, I wouldn't let you push me away, whatever you do or say.'

'And what if I don't want you close?' Sivella shot at him with a challenging glare as she narrowed her eyes at him.

'Do you really think that?' Thomas asked as he took another step closer to her.

She heaved her chin and had a determined look in her eyes. 'I don't think it, I know it. Maybe I don't like you at all.' Sivella stated sternly.

He read her eyes shortly. 'You are testing me.'

'No. I don't like you. You should take a hint when you see one, how many hints did I already give you? How clear can I be? I never liked you. And you know it.'

'Just repeat the not liking me part while you look me straight in the eyes.' He said in a simple and friendly tone as he stepped into her personal space.

She could feel his warm breath on her cheeks. She looked away from his intense gaze. She wanted to inhale breath but she didn't want to show any weakness. She just… Froze.

'Just do it Sivella, look me in the eye and say that you want me to leave.' He said.

She didn't answer. He could see her jaw clenching.

'O come one, you aren't going to tell me that this is difficult for you are you?' Thomas prodded mockingly.

She didn't answer.

'What will you do? Push me away, or hurt me? You're thinking about that right now. Which choice will it be this time Sivella?' Thomas urged as he put his hands in his sides.

'You think I am that predictable?' She suddenly snapped as her dark eyes finally met his, she had guarded herself with a fierce look in them.

'I think that you are fooling yourself.'

'I am choosing the hurting you option. You shouldn't be here! Not with me. I have nothing to offer you, why can't you see that?!' She snapped.

'I don't care what you have to offer, I just want you.' Thomas' voice came.

'You want me?' Sivella asked slowly in a dangerous voice as she took a step towards Thomas. They were only inches apart now.

'Tell me Thomas, what do you want about me? What part of my body do you want?'

She asked in a low seductive voice that was filled with venom.

'What are you doing?' Thomas asked as he eyed her.

'What is it that you want from me Thomas! Why don't you just TAKE what you WANT and have it done with!' Sivella shouted as she pushed herself up against him.

Thomas took her wrists to stop her.

'What? Will you hit me now? Come on Thomas, just hit me! Make me feel what I deserve!' She snapped as she felt his strong grip against both of her wrists.

'Is that what Blake told you?' Thomas asked shocked. That took away some of the anger in her eyes and replaced it with confusion and a vulnerability he had almost never seen in her.

'You only want me in your bed!' She quickly countered. 'And then? You'll just discard me like trash!' Sivella shouted as she tried to loosen her wrists from him.

'What are you talking about?! I would never, ever do that!' Thomas snapped as he let go of her.

Sivella swallowed as her arms fell to her sides. 'Thomas, Just leave me be..' She said in a weak voice.

'I liked you from the first moment that I saw you. I didn't know it then, but I do now. If I'd have known that Blake was doing these things to you, I would have helped you. And yes, I don't like your job. But I do like you. And I think you like me too. You're just not admitting it to yourself. I've gotten to know you. I've had plenty of time to study you on all these party's you were at. I know your manners, your little ways, I know it when you're pushing something away. When you're stuttering for instance, a Companion never stutters. You are attracted to me.'

'That is not the case at a-' Sivella stated but stopped and caught her breath the moment he stepped up against her. She felt his chest against hers, she felt warmth radiating from him and she swallowed. He looked down at her with a smirk on his face.

'No? Then why is your breath catching?' He asked.

'I have that with all men, that is an automatic response.' She defended herself.

He bended towards her ear. Ow, how she hated it when she felt her heart beating even faster then it already was.

'Yes, ofcourse.' He said mockingly. 'I'll wait for you.' He whispered. She trembled on her feet as he left. She walked towards the railing slowly as she almost felt her knees buckle. She quickly grabbed it and leaned against the hard wood.

'Sivella.' A female voice called behind her.

Sivella turned and look with big eyes at Grace. 'Grace.' She said as Grace walked towards her and hugged her.

'How long have you been here?' She asked surprised.

'I came in for breakfast, but you weren't there. Petulia showed me around the house, I decided to give you some time to wake up and everything.'

Sivella smiled as she nodded and eyed the woman.

'Sivella, I feel so guilty. I didn't know you were in so much trouble.' Grace Blake said. This had been in her mind all this time, she just wanted it out now.

'O, no.' Sivella shook her head as she took both of Grace's shoulders. 'It was my own choice to not tell you. I didn't want anyone to find out that I brought Mary and David to you. And I thought that I could get away fast enough.' She let her hands drop to her sides. 'Unfortunately Edward found me.' Sivella said as she looked at Petulia's garden.

She felt Grace study her face, her eyes looking at the scar and light bruises there.

'Still, I am so sorry.' Grace sighed. 'Will you forgive me?'

Sivella looked at her. 'Forgive you? There is nothing to forgive.'

'Yes there is.' Grace urged as she took another step towards Sivella.

'I did nothing, you did everything. And you payed a too big a price.'

Sivella shook her head. 'O Grace. It's behind us now. If you want my forgiveness, you have it. Just take good care of Mary and David.' Sivella said.

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To be continued!!!!! Please let me know what you thought!! That always makes me happy! :)