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You Don't Have To

"Remus, you're exhausted," I protested as I watched him rushing to get ready for work. "The full moon was last night. You can't seriously mean to go in."

Remus was hastily packing his lunch but I could see the way his hands trembled as he spread mayonnaise over a piece of bread. Though this full moon hadn't been as bad as some and he had no visible scars, he was pale and weak. It clearly hurt when he walked and he hadn't even had breakfast. He was always so worn out when he came back from work. How did he expect to handle it today?

My friend ignored me as he sloppily closed his sandwich and cut it in half.

"They know you're a werewolf. And you've worked nearly twenty days straight, twelve hour days, I might add. Today's Saturday. Won't they let you–?"

"No," he stated flatly. "It was too hard for me to get this job. I-I can't risk it."

Things had not gone well for Remus since graduation. It had taken him a long time to find someone who would hire him and even when he had it was… Well, honestly, I didn't know what it was. When he'd told me, quietly, almost cautiously, that he'd finally been hired, it'd been with none of the joy I had expected that news to come with. Such had been the resignation in his eyes that I'd not asked him what he'd be doing. Part of it was that I could tell he didn't want me to know and part of if was my own hesitancy to hear it. All I knew was that this job overworked him, barely paid him, was way below his skill level, left him drained and aching, and that it slowly seemed to be sucking the vitality from him.

"Damn it, Remus," my tone was sharp. "I'll never understand how someone so sensible can be so bloody stubborn sometimes. This isn't like you. You know that going in today is a mistake."

Remus did not respond. Instead he shoved his sandwich in a paper bag. He knew it wasn't a good idea to work today, that he'd probably be exerting more energy than he could spare. He was probably intent on proving to his employers that it hadn't been a mistake to hire him. He wanted to show them he could work as well and as hard as any 'normal' person as neglecting his own health in the process.

"I'll see you tonight, Sirius." Before I could respond, he Dissapparated.

It was nearly thirteen hours later that Remus returned, Apparating directly to the kitchen. His face was unnaturally white and the circles around his eyes were so dark that it looked as if were smudged with kohl. He was struggling to stay on his feet and it was with great alarm that I noticed the small tremors wracking his too-slender body.

"Are you–" Before I could ask my question, Remus' knees buckled. Though I immediately sprung forward in an attempt to catch him, I was too far away. By the time I reached him he was a crumpled heap on the floor, knees drawn up below his stomach and forehead pressed against the cold beige tiles.

Crouching beside him, I gently took hold of his shoulders and pulled him up into a sitting position. His hand immediately came up to press against his forehead, as if he was trying to soothe away intense pain. I could feel the heat of his skin and the dampness of his sweat as it moistened the cloth of his robes. His shaking intensified and I surmised from his sharp intake of breath when I touched him that he was extremely sore.

"Come on," I urged quietly, "You should lay down."

"I – I don't think I can walk," he confessed hoarsely. "I'm dizzy."

"I'll help you," I assured him. "Close your eyes. Just try to relax."

He did as I suggested, probably too tired to even contemplate protesting. Despite his trembling, his chest rose and fell steadily as he forced himself to take even, deep breaths. Patiently waiting a few minutes for his muscles to lose most of their tension, I kept my hands on his shoulders and hummed indistinctly. When he slowly lowered the hand he'd pressed against his face, I used a levitation charm to take him to his room. Depositing him gently on his bed, I settled him comfortably and pulled the blankets over his body. The fact that he allowed this with no sign of embarrassment spoke of the amount of discomfort he was in. He was the same way directly after the full moons, too tired to protest my fussing over him.

I took a deep breath of air and let it out slowly.

As morning had trailed into afternoon and then into evening and night, I'd known he'd return this way. I'd been ready to berate and criticize and proclaim that I was right in warning him to stay at home but now, when I looked at him this way, I simply lost all the frustration and anger I'd been feeling. He was completely worn out and in terrible amounts of pain. I couldn't be harsh or petty when he was in such a state.

Placing a hand on his arm, I asked if he'd eaten anything other than the sandwich he'd made for lunch. Even when he confessed that he hadn't actually had that, or anything else all day, I made no comment regarding how utterly stupid he had acted and instead told him to rest while I made him something to eat.

"Sirius," he stopped me from going. "You don't have to do this."

I smiled even though his eyes were still closed and he couldn't see me. "I know."

"No…" His words were weak and I could tell he was struggling just to form them. "I mean I – I brought this on myself and you don't have to–"

"I know," I repeated more firmly. "I know I don't have to." He was my friend, though. I could no more leave him now than I could after moonset, even if he had made it worse by acting like a fool.

After helping Remus to eat the food I'd prepared for him, I stayed by his side until he fell asleep and watched while the tremors gradually lessened. Then I turned out the light and retreated to my own room. There really wasn't anything else I could do. He'd overworked himself but his symptoms were still the same as the ones that always followed a transformation. He'd just aggravated them. Rest was what he needed.

My friend ended up sleeping through the night and all of the next day, not waking until just before lunch on Monday. At first I'd been concerned but upon considering that he could easily spend a day in bed after a trying transformation I reasoned that it probably was to be expected considering what had happened. I would have contacted his bosses and informed them he'd be out sick for a couple of days but that was impossible since I didn't know where he worked. Hopefully he'd be able to sort everything but considering what he'd done to himself just to be able to work the day after the full moon, I was worried they'd sack him.

Remus did not seem surprised when I told him what day it was. He only sighed and nodded. Then he thanked me for watching over him and told me he was going to take a shower. At first I was concerned that he might still need to stay in bed but was satisfied when I saw him walking with very little obvious discomfort.

The look he gave me when he entered the kitchen to find I'd made lunch for him was worth considerably more than the time and trouble it took me to prepare the meal. His eyes lit up with such gratitude that I smiled at seeing it. He didn't always thank me for the things I did but that didn't mean I was unaware of how much it meant to him.

It wasn't until he was halfway done devouring his plate of food that he stopped abruptly, finally realizing what I knew he eventually would. "Sirius… You didn't go to work today."

"I took a personal day," I explained. "It's the first I've taken since I started. It won't be a problem." Of course I would have taken it even if it had been a problem because I would never have left without making sure Remus was all right.

I thought I saw a look of discomfort on his face but it was gone too quickly for me to be certain. My friend placed his knife and fork on his plate and stared at his food for a long while before answering. "You– I–" He paused and shook his head. I could tell he was at a complete loss for words but instead of trying to gather his thoughts into a coherent statement of some sort, he got up and left the room.

"Remus?" I questioned softly, a little surprised. I'd expected him to tell me that I shouldn't have stayed, that I should have gone to work, and that I didn't need to do half the things I did for him. There would have been little sting in the words though; they would have been filled with some mix of disbelief and gratitude.

When I followed him I found that he was sitting on the couch, a completely unreadable look on his face. "Remus?" I repeated, taking a seat in one of the chairs that was positioned across from the couch.

He sighed. "I'm sorry. It's not what you think."

'Not what you think'? At the moment I didn't know what to think. I was bemused.

"I am grateful. You must know that. But… I just–" He met my gaze, a helpless sort of look in his eyes. "I don't think I can explain."

"You don't have to." I was confused, I had no idea what was bothering him, but I never wanted him to feel like he had to explain himself to me.

He nodded somewhat desolately, his eyes focusing on the floor. Deciding to leave him be, I started to stand but stopped mid-motion when he addressed me again, this time with an apology. "I know I was supposed to have my half of the rent a few days ago but I've been taking flowers to mum's grave and I'm a little short. I'll get paid when I go in again and it should be enough to–"

"Remus," I cut him off, half exasperated and half taken aback. "Don't worry about it. It doesn't matter. You know it doesn't matter." I didn't need his money, I never needed his money. My uncle Alphard had left me enough to not have to worry about the rent even without a well-paying job, which I had. If Remus weren't so stubborn, I'd gladly take care of his portion of the rent as well. As it was, I had to resort to downright lying to even be of any financial assistance to him.

"It does matter," he insisted, rather sharply. "Sirius…"

I sighed. It mattered to him. He didn't want to be 'taken care of'. He wanted to be independent. It wasn't that I didn't understand. I did. I just wanted to help. He was intelligent, hard working, and a very good wizard. He should have had his choice of any job but he didn't. He shouldn't have fruitlessly searched for employment for nearly three months after graduating when James, Lily, and I had all been offered jobs within days of receiving the scores for our NEWTs. And the job he'd finally found shouldn't have been one so low paying that buying flowers to put on his mum's grave left him with too little to pay rent. He'd never told me how much he made but hearing him say that he didn't have enough money because of such a trivial thing was just…heartrending. Especially considering how little of the rent he actually paid.

It'd come about near the end of seventh-year, when James and Lily had started looking into getting a flat together. James came from a very wealthy family and had enough money to not have to be concerned with finding a high-paying job. Being an Auror, however, did pay well – even when one was still in training – and James had been surprised to learn that regardless of what profession Lily chose, they'd be able to easily afford a two-bedroom place without going into James' savings.

James had told Remus and I this quite happily but a couple hours later, when Remus had left the room, he'd confessed that he was worried for our friend. He'd never realized how much rent and living expenses amounted to and Remus, having a poor family and being a werewolf, was going to run into difficulties. I'd always known Remus would have trouble finding a decent job but I'd never really thought about where he'd live after graduating. He didn't get along well with his dad and I hated to think that he'd be forced to go home.

It hadn't taken me long to work out a scheme. A few days later I'd told Remus that the complex from which I was renting my flat had two-bedroom places as well and asked him to consider moving in with me. He'd been completely taken aback and rather pleased with the offer. After a few minutes, though, he'd blushed and mumbled that he wasn't sure if he'd be able to make the rent. That was where the lie had come in. Grinning, I'd told him that one of the complex's managers was a friend of mine and that he was giving me a superb discount that he'd offered to extend to the two-bedroom place. I'd then said we'd only have to pay half of what the flat truly rented for and a few days later Remus had agreed to share a place with me. If he ever found out he was only contributing a quarter of the rent he'd be furious and immediately move out.

I knew the deception could not continue forever but I hoped to make it last as long as possible. It wasn't that it'd be the end of our friendship, I knew he would forgive me. No, I hated to think of the kind of place Remus would end up in on the pitiful wages he earned. I'd been to the rundown, cheap wizard neighborhoods. I'd seen the molding, stained walls, the filthy communal lavatories, and the leaking, water-damaged roofs. How could I let him live in one of those places when I could afford to help him stay here?

"It matters." Remus' softly spoken words brought me back to the present.

"Whenever you can get it to me is fine, Remus," I assured him. I hated taking his money. Damn his pride!

"It'll be tomorrow. I'll go in tomorrow. I'm sure I'll have enough."

Something about his statement filled me with uneasiness. He did not seem to be concerned about getting sacked. If that was true, why had he insisted on working after the full moon? Why wasn't he concerned about what would happen when he went back after missing two days? He had said he couldn't take the risk and I had assumed he didn't want them to regret hiring him but… He hadn't done this last full moon. Of course, last full moon had also fallen on a weekend and that had been just before he'd started working an insane amount of hours without taking any days off. Perhaps he'd been lucky enough to have those days off…?

Remus was watching me. He looked uncomfortable, worried. It was as if he'd said something he hadn't meant to and was concerned I'd pick up on it. With alarming certainty, everything clicked and fit perfectly in my mind. His last words had been 'I'm sure I'll have enough' and he'd said something similar a couple of minutes ago.

Damn it! Surely he wasn't that imbecilically thick!

"You didn't – Remus, tell me you didn't – didn't go in after the full moon to make the rent money?" I'd wanted to let things be and not unnecessarily remind him of the mistake he'd made but this wasn't something I could just ignore.

"No, I just – I didn't want them to think they made a mistake when they gave me work," he was quick to reassure me, eyes never leaving mine, but despite their unwavering I knew he'd been too quick in his response and too eager to tell me what he thought might make sense to me.

I scoffed and shook my head. "Made a mistake in hiring you?" my tone dripped with disbelief. "I'm not even sure that's possible. You probably work twice as hard as everyone else and for less money, I'm sure. They can't be paying you overtime." That was something that the Ministry made extraordinarily easy, unfortunately. "I'd say they're getting a great deal out of exploiting you, which they won't be able to do with just about any other employee because most people are protected by the Ministry's labor laws."

When Remus didn't try and counter anything I'd said I knew I was right in surmising that he didn't make minimum wage or get compensated for the fact that he was working over eighty-five hours a week. I also knew he was lying about the reason he'd gone in. "Fear of getting sacked can't be why you went in. They'd be insane to get rid of you and you have to know that."

He swallowed. "It's easy for you to say that. You don't understand what–"

"Remus," I interrupted heatedly, "Don't. You know I try to understand. I've always tried. And if you'd really gone in because of that, I'd accept it. But I know you're lying to me."

"And if I am lying to you?" he demanded testily, "So what? I don't have to explain everything I do to you."

"I'm not saying that you do. But going in right after a transformation was not only stupid but completely unlike you." This wasn't coming out the way I wanted but I couldn't help myself. He'd worked himself half to death so he could pay the rent? "You collapsed when you got back and spent a day and a half asleep! I think I have the right to be concerned! And if you're putting yourself in danger for money because you're a few days late on the rent I–"

"You what?" he shook his head, his voice calm and controlled, irritation simmering just below the surface. He was rarely loud in his anger. "What will you do? Lock me up after the next full moon?"

"Of course not!" I forced myself to continue more calmly, "I can't stop you from doing anything, all I can do is try to convince you not to. But…you're weak after a full moon and money just isn't a good enough reason to do something like that to yourself. Not when you know I can afford it."

Finally, he broke our gaze. "You buy everything," he started, sounding considerably more weary. It was as if the frustration simply drained out of him. "The food, anything we might need around the flat… It's a constant reminder that I'm…a werewolf. I have to do this. I have to pay my part of the rent because I need to know that something in my life is normal." His voice quavered and was so intensely full of emotion that it practically hung in the air like a wretched fog. "The Ministry has me so tied up in regulations that I can't even apply for a job or work somewhere without disclosing what I am. This…" he gestured vaguely around us, "This is the only thing I have that's not…tainted by my curse. I just need to know that despite everything they do to me, I can still live."

I let out a deep breath and ran my fingers through my hair. Oh. I never realized. He endured so much, so much pain, so much sadness, so much bigotry, but no matter how much of it I was confronted with, no matter what I witnessed, I was always taken aback when he revealed something else that made his life more difficult than I would ever comprehend. I would never get used to how hard things were for him. I would never get used to how much I took for granted that he had to struggle with everyday. Like the fact that I could afford to take a personal day off from work to look after a friend and not have to worry about getting in trouble for it. No wonder he was upset. It was just another reminder of how different things were for him than they were for most other 'normal' people.

At that moment, hearing his sorrow and utter sincerity as he confessed this to me, I almost told him about my lie. I almost told him that our rent really was twice what he believed it to be. But I didn't. I didn't, because despite everything he'd just said, despite how it rang so terribly true, I could bear to have him live in a shithole. Oh, he could afford to take care of himself. He could pay for his own food and all of his own rent but only in neighborhoods that I'd never want any of my friends to live in.

He'd find out eventually. He had to. But until he did, he'd have this one thing to hold onto. He'd have this one 'normal' thing and it would be a nice, clean, place. A place where there was a basement for his transformations and a park across the way. Not somewhere with filth, poverty, and crime.

"I had no idea." My tone was hollow. "I– I thought it was because you were proud and stubborn."

"I just want to take care of myself," he said earnestly.

I tried to form the words 'I know,' but they simply would not slip past my throat.

"I don't want them to take that from me."

I nodded but couldn't resist going back to what had started all of this. "Okay. I – I can see that but… You have to take better care of yourself."

He smiled ruefully. "It was a mistake to go in. I just– I felt I had to. I…I'm sorry I worried you."

His apology was both a sincere articulation of his regret and his way of telling me that he wasn't planning on repeating the error. When I thanked him it was for that as well as for telling me the truth. He'd been so closed off recently. He'd always been a private person but ever since graduating he'd started holding everything in. It was nice to finally have him tell me what was bothering me, like he'd done at Hogwarts.

"Come on," I stood suddenly, "You're food's getting cold and I'm sure you're still starving."

Smiling, he followed me back into the kitchen.