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I Was Just Trying to Help

He knew. I wasn't sure how it had happened, but he knew. Nothing else could explain the cold fury in his gaze. I had rarely seen him so angry. The vicious emotion darkened his eyes so much so that if he'd been anyone else I would have expected a punch to the face or a diatribe of biting words. He wasn't anyone else, though. He was Remus Lupin and when he spoke it was as coolly and calmly as I expected.

"You lied to me." The accusation was uttered quietly but that did not lessen the ire that underlined his words and I couldn't help but compare them to the gentle ones he'd so recently used to thank me for looking after him following the last full moon.

I swallowed and said nothing. I could not deny it.

"I should have known. I'm so stupid." He took a moment to look at our flat. "No manager would let someone rent a place this nice for as little as you claim we're paying. Not even for a friend. Only an owner could do something like that. I can't believe I fell for it."

"Remus, I–"

He silenced me with a deadly look. "You know. You know why this is so important to me. I told you. I told you that this is something I have to do. Even when I find a better job, even if I'm doing something I like, it'll still be the same. I have to take care of myself. I can't let them take that from me. I can't be a burden to anyone."

"You're not–"

"And you sat there and listened to me say that and you didn't tell me. Not even then. How could you?" he demanded, making me realize he was hurt as well as angry, something I'd never wanted or considered.

"I almost did," I confessed earnestly, "But… I just– I know how important it is to you but I knew what would happen when you found out. I knew you'd be angry and–"

"And you didn't want to risk our friendship?" he interrupted yet again. Perhaps that more than anything else demonstrated the strength of his outrage. "Don't you think you would have done our friendship more credit by being honest with me?"

"No. I mean, yes, but that's not what I was going to say. I knew you'd move out as soon as you learned the truth. I was just trying to keep you out of a dump for as long as possible. I wasn't trying to belittle your stance on this. But I know the kinds of places you'll be able to afford and…it's so hard for me to picture you living there." I sighed. "I know you're furious. And I know you have a right to be. I did what I thought was best. And I'm sorry."

"No. You're not sorry. You're sorry you got caught. You're not sorry for what you did," he stated bluntly.

I bit my lip before conceding the point. "You're right. I'm not sorry for what I did. But I am sorry that it involved lying to you. I knew you'd never let me help you this way."

He shook his head. "Well, you were right. I am moving out. As soon as I can find another place."

"Can't you at least wait until you have a better job?" I tried to reason with him. "I know you're earning more than at the Grinning Goblin but moving right now will take time you could use to–"

"No."

Right. Of course. "Remus, please try and understand why I–"

"Just tell me one thing. How much is the rent, really?"

I suppressed the urge to flinch. He'd let me explain as much as he was willing to. He wasn't going to listen to anymore attempts to justify what I'd done. At least not right now. The anger was too fresh. He didn't want to deal with me any more than he had to right now. "Twice as much as what I told you."

He closed his eyes briefly, seeming to collect himself. When he spoke again he sounded very tired. "I'll let you know when I'll be moving out." Then he was gone and as the small pop resounded in the otherwise silent room I found myself wondering when I would see him and how long it would take to regain the footing I knew I'd just lost.

I wanted to help him move but he refused my offer almost before I finished making it. We'd barely spoken more than four words to each other since our discussion after he'd discovered the truth. I still didn't know how he'd realized my lie. It didn't really matter, though. He knew and the charade was over. Although I didn't regret what I'd done, I was left wondering how long he'd keep this anger in his heart. I knew that eventually he'd forgive me but hated to think of the many weeks that would take and how hard it would be in the meantime. He was one of my closest friends. No one could listen the way he could. I would miss him terribly.

Those thoughts stayed in my head during the two hours it took him to pack up his things and move them to whatever place he'd managed to find. I was still surprised he'd done it so quickly. Four days. How had he found a place in only four days?

Knowing he didn't want to see me, I remained in my room as he Apparated back and forth between the two flats. I could hear him struggling with the heavier things – the few pieces of furniture that were his and boxes of books, probably – but forced myself not to renew my offer to help. It would only be denied.

Damn. The only other time our friendship had suffered a serious blow was when I'd betrayed him to Snape. The months following that mistake had been some of the most difficult of my life. I'd wanted nothing more than for him to forgive me and for things to be the way they had been before. Although this didn't really compare to what I'd done then, I felt the same desire to have things be right between us. I also felt an enormous amount of sadness because I'd learned that these things took time. Forgiveness took time and I would have to wait for it.

What if he felt betrayed? Did he still trust me? I wasn't sure and those questions plagued my thoughts. If the answers were what I feared them to be, it'd be a long time before our relationship was mended. But it would be. He would forgive me. Suddenly, it seemed like I was trying to convince myself of that fact. Doubt entered my thoughts. He would forgive me, wouldn't he? If he'd forgiven me for the Prank, he could forgive me for lying to him, right? I'd only done this out of friendship for him. That had to count for something.

Eventually, I became aware of the silence that had fallen over the flat. Was he done? Getting up from my bed, where I'd been lying morosely, staring at the ceiling, I opened the door to my room and walked into his. Expecting to see it empty, I was surprised to find that he hadn't taken the bed. Everything else was gone, leaving the room bare and lonely, but the bed still stood in the corner. Why…?

With a sinking feeling, I understood. When we'd first moved in, Remus had been planning to bring his bed from home. Knowing that the mattress was older than he was, I'd bought him a new one as a graduation present. He, however, hadn't wanted to accept such an expensive gift and had insisted for paying for half of it. Now, considering what had happened with the flat, he probably thought I'd lied to him about how much it had been.

Sighing, I turned to leave the room and nearly ran into Remus, who was standing in the doorway. "Oh. Sorry. I thought you were gone."

"I came back to say goodbye." He was still livid. It didn't touch his voice but I could see it in his eyes.

I felt a stab of apprehension. 'Say goodbye.' That sounded very final. I swallowed and nodded glumly. Then, before he could leave, I blurted out, "Please take the bed. I– I didn't lie to you. I paid the price I told you."

Remus seemed surprised and I wondered, with a sinking sensation, just how much of the things I'd told him since graduation he was now doubting. "I didn't think you had. That's not why I'm leaving it." His tone was reassuring. I'd forgotten how considerate he could be, even when he was displeased.

I frowned. "Then why? It's yours."

"It's just…" he sighed and blushed. "It's too big," he finally admitted.

"What?" I repeated without thinking and then wished I could take the inane question back. It was a queen-sized bed. He was probably now living in some sort of studio and couldn't squeeze it in. "Right."

An awkward silence descended between us and I wondered why he didn't just leave. Obviously, he'd taken all of his things and there was no reason to hang around. Studying his closed expression, I thought I saw some hint of uncertainty. Could it be that he didn't know what note to leave this on? Remus was the kind of person that didn't want others to suffer unnecessarily. Perhaps his anger was battling his dislike of departing so coldly. Or maybe I was just being too hopeful.

I cleared my throat. "If you ever change your mind…" I wasn't sure how he'd take the statement but I had to say it. He needed to know that he was always welcome as my flatmate, that he could come back if anything happened.

He nodded almost imperceptibly. His lips parted but he hesitated, not sure of how to phrase what was on his mind and perhaps not sure if he even wanted to try. "I should go."

"Okay." I said the word so softly that I wasn't certain he would hear it. Damn it. I'd barely see him. I knew that I'd barely see him. At least after the Prank we'd been sharing a dormitory. Now I'd be completely cut off until he saw fit to initiate contact. I didn't even know where he was going to be living. He hadn't told me and I knew that was something I'd have to wait for, assuming he ever wanted me to know.

He shifted, preparing to leave. I couldn't just let him go like this. I just… I wanted him to understand. Even if he didn't approve, I wanted him to understand. "Remus, wait. I–"

Taking a step toward me, he watched me expectantly.

"I…"

"What is it, Sirius?" He encouraged gently, extending his concern even through his anger.

I was undone by his compassion. In spite of the situation he did not want to be mean. Remus did not like causing people turmoil of any kind, not even in anger. "I was just trying to help." It was the simplest way I could put it but it encompassed everything I was trying to convey.

At first my statement seemed to have no effect and I lowered my eyes. Was it worth it? Damaging our friendship to ensure he'd live in a nice home for half a year? I thought about our roomy, well-situated flat and considered the small, deteriorating place he'd probably be living in from now on. It still felt like I had done the right thing.

My attention was drawn to Remus turning away from me to stand by the window. He looked a little tense and remained that way for so long that I almost wished I could retract my sentence. Finally, after a seemingly interminable length of time, he faced me again.

Something in Remus' face had softened. When he answered it was with affection and even gratitude. "I know." And even though he left directly after that, even though I knew he'd probably avoid me for a good long while, something about the wealth of emotion contained in that simple response made me feel better about the rift that had temporarily opened between us. Everything would be all right. I had to trust that everything would be all right.