Part 4: All I Wanted
Severus took a deep breath and slowly let it out as he stood on the doorstep to what may ultimately decide whether he would continue to loathe the holiday or not.
He knocked three times.
To say he was surprised when a slightly dishevelled Lucius Malfoy answered the door, looking like he had been attacked by an angry baker. He looked like he was covered in flour, sprinkles and, well Severus wasn't really sure what else the blonde was covered in.
'Severus,' Lucius drawled, clearly less than impressed with the man on the front step.
'Lucius?' Severus asked startled, he had remembered the man from the memories but he hadn't expected the man to still be here a year later. 'What are you doing here?' he blurted suddenly.
Lucius raised an eyebrow elegantly and gave Severus a amused smirk, 'I live here, what are you doing here?'
Severus actually blushed, and looked away, 'I, ah, I came to apologize,' he mumbled, for what Lucius thought was the first time.
'What was that? I didn't quite catch that,' Lucius gave a mild sneer as he watched his brother fidget.
'I said I came to apologize,' Severus practically snarled.
Lucius gave Severus an amused once over, 'I suppose I can find out if he wants to talk to you,' he offered as he turned and headed into the house.
Severus stepped out and while he had seen the house in his dreams, seeing it in person was completely different.
Severus closed his eyes in disbelief as he realised that he hadn't been to Grimmauld Place since it had been redone. He suddenly felt sick.
It was lighter both in the sense that the lights were brighter and that the air wasn't as heavy as it had been before. Severus looked around gently touching some of the decorations that he thought he recognized from Malfoy Manor.
Lucius cleared his throat and brought Severus back to reality.
'You can hang your coat there,' he pointed to the coat rack and Severus charmed his boots clean while he hung his cloak up.
He followed Lucius to the living room, which had even more decorations then the front hall, as well as a large Christmas tree. The star was on top again.
'I'll go find Harry, see if he'll talk to you.' Lucius offered and then left Severus alone.
While Severus was alone he inspected the decorations around the room. The mantel had several photo's, both wizarding and muggle. There were candles and several snow globes scattered about the photos. The one in the middle Severus picked up and examined. It was of Remus and Harry, and it was the one that Colin had given to Harry in his fourth year.
There was a photo of Draco and Harry at a beach as they wrestled in the surf. That must be where Harry had gone on holiday when he had disappeared for those two weeks.
Another was of Draco and Lucius, they were both leaning over a cauldron and Lucius was laughing about something that Draco had said.
Another photo was of Charlie and Draco, the pair was with a large dragon that Severus didn't recognize. He put it down and picked up another photo.
It was of two wolves, a reddish brown one and a larger, blonde wolf. They were curled around each other on the rug in front of the fire.
'That was taken two moons ago,' a voice announced from the doorway. Severus spun around and was surprised to find Remus and Lucius in the doorway. 'Draco has really gotten into photography.'
Severus looked from Remus to Lucius in confusion. A high pitched giggled drew his attention outside. Teddy was playing in the snow with Draco, Harry and Charlie. Severus was surprised as he watched Harry, he gave a laugh but there was a sadness in his emerald orbs.
Severus sighed and rubbed at his eyes.
'I just wanted to talk to Harry,' he started.
'You're going to have to talk to us first.' Lucius interrupted.
Remus pulled a framed bit of parchment from the wall and handed it to Severus. It was an adoption form for Harry, signed by Lucius and Remus, dated nine months ago.
Severus looked up at Lucius and Remus, 'He is my mate,' Lucius replied coolly, daring Severus to say something against the slightly shorter man.
'Congratulations, I'm glad you have found happiness,' he offered as he handed the frame back to Remus who levitated it back to its spot in the wall.
'Thank you, now why are you here?' Remus asked, eyeing Severus with something between distaste and distrust.
'I've come to apologize, both to you and to Po- to Harry. There aren't any excuses for my behaviour other than that I have been afraid. Afraid of life, and not being good enough, and of being alone. I know it's irrational but that's what it is...' he trailed off not quite sure what else to say.
Remus and Lucius simply watched Severus in silence for a few moments before they started whispering.
'Look I know I treated Harry badly, and I know that he has every reason to toss me out on my ass but I would very much like to talk to Harry first. I have never had an enjoyable holiday,' here Lucius cleared his throat in a not so subtle manner, 'save for the one that I spent with Luc during his seventh year, and when I saw those decorations I panicked. I have spent the last however many years avoiding a holiday that has caused me nothing but pain and when I saw the decorations I just... I panicked. I was assaulted with everything bad that I had every experienced and I did the only thing that I could think of, I tried to get rid of them. And in the process I got rid of the one good thing in my life. Though he doesn't know that because I treated him no better than something stuck to my shoe and he is so far above me that I'm surprised he has even acknowledged my presence.
'Please I have done everything wrong in this relationship and I see that know. I'd do anything to make it right.'
No one had noticed that the noise from outside had stopped.
'That's a very empowering speech Sev, but how do we know that you won't go back to the way things were before?' Lucius asked softly.
'Have you not changed?' Severus countered, looking not smug but something that Remus couldn't name.
Lucius laughed, 'touché,' he offered, 'but it is not up to us.'
Severus gave Lucius a confused look and the blonde simply nodded to the door.
The potion master was slightly horrified to find Draco, Charlie, Teddy and Harry standing in the doorway.
'Sweet Salazar's sweaty sac,' Severus breathed, 'how much of that did you hear?' he asked the group.
Draco smirked but Charlie replied, 'enough,' and Severus groaned as he dropped onto the chair behind him.
'I don't know about anyone else but I need to change,' Draco announced suddenly as he hoisted Teddy into his arms and headed up stairs.
Charlie followed obviously trying to not ogle Draco's arse as he climbed the stairs in front of the redhead.
'Come, Astrum, we have dinner to make,' Remus said softly as he pulled the blonde to the kitchen.
'Since when did I become your pet?' Lucius asked indignantly as they disappeared into the kitchen.
Remus gave him a saucy wink, 'You've always been my pet,' he smirked as the door closed.
Harry and Severus stood at either side of the room watching each other for a few minutes. It was Severus who broke the silence.
'I'm sorry Harry,' he offered, though he didn't move, afraid of how Harry would react to him.
'For what?' Harry asked coldly.
Severus flinched, but sighed, 'for everything,' he offered, 'for treating you like you were nothing, for putting my needs before yours. For not even considering what you wanted. For ruining a perfectly good holiday...' Severus trailed off, almost at a loss for words, 'I'm just... I'm sorry for everything I did that hurt you and every time I made you cry or want to rip me limb from limb. I am so sorry Harry, you have been the best thing to happen in my miserable life, and I ruined it because I was too afraid to face that something good might happen in my life.'
'Who are you and what have you done with Severus?' Harry asked eyeing Severus with no small amount of caution and suspicion.
Severus gave a small chuckle, 'I am right here,' he replied as he pulled Harry closer to him, placing the shorter brunet's hand on his heart.
'It only beats like that for you,' he admitted softly. 'I am sorry, my heart, do you think you could find it in yours to forgive a crotchety old man for his idiot mistakes?'
Harry studied Severus for a few moments, and when Harry didn't reply, Severus dropped to his knees and Harry was startled to see tears in those fathomless orbs. 'Please, I will do anything to you and for you. I love you, Harry, and that house it isn't a home, not without you.'
Harry had to take a few deep breaths because his own tears were blurring his vision, 'get up,' he commanded and at Severus' confused look he gave a small smile, 'you're too proud to beg.'
Severus gave Harry's hand a gentle kiss before he fumbled in his pocket for something, 'not for you I'm not.'
He finally pulled out a small box, and Harry gasped as he caught sight of what was in it, 'please Harry bond with me?' Severus asked, presenting Harry with a white gold band that was studded with garnets and rubies.