"You had him, didn't you?" I ask as I barge into Sweeney's shop. He stares at me for a second before slowly looking away. Sheesh, this is going to be fun…
"I had 'im," He whispers. I take a breath.
"Well, if you will hear me out, I have a--"
"I HAD HIM! His throat was bear beneath hand…"
"Yeah, I get that! Will you just shut up for a moment?"
"NO, I HAD HIM!"
"No shit."
"His throat was there, now he'll never come again!"
Cool your jets, Sweeney Todd! Will you just listen--?
"WHEN?!?"
Right now would be nice!
"Why did I wait? YOU told me to wait! Now he'll never come again!" Sweeney snarls, glaring at me. Although I'm a bit afraid, I keep it together by giving him a look.
"Never say never, buddy," I say calmly. He stares at me for a moment before turning away.
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and it's filled with people who are filled with shit--
"Wow. Talk about major constipation."
--and the vermin of the world inhabit it…
"Yeah, they're called flies!"
…but not for long…
Sweeney begins to pace as he glares out the window, just like he did in the movie. This is going to be harder than I thought. Well, let's hope I survive this song so I can set my plan in motion!
They all deserve to die. Tell you why, my dear Megan, tell you why.
"'My dear Megan'?!? Well, at least you're being polite for once…"
Because in all of the whole human race, my lamb, there are two kinds of men and only two!
"Actually, there are many kinds of men in the world. There are white men, black men, Asian men, and crazy men like you!"
There's the one stayin' put in his proper face and the one with his foot in the other one's face. Look at me, my pet, look at you!
"Dude, I'm a woman."
No we all deserve to die… (it's at this moment that my crazy lil' friend slams me up against the wall like he did to Mrs. Lovett in the movie) Even you, my dear Megan, even I.
"No one has to die (except for the Judge and Beadle, obviously) if you shut up and listen to my plan!" I say to Sweeney as he holds me against the wall. Judging by the look in his eyes, he's not all there. Great. I'll have to wait until he finishes the song!
Because the lives of the wicked should be made brief! For the rest of us, death will be relief! We all deserve to die!
"Well, what would be the point in living if everyone deserves to die?" I ask casually as Sweeney holds his too-close-for-comfort razor up to my throat. Sweeney pauses. Yes! I think I've gotten through to him!
And I'll never see Johanna… (Oh, for the love of GOD!) …no, I'll never hug my girl to me… FINISHED!
Great, the song is only halfway done. Well, at least he hasn't killed me…yet…. I stay in the chair and cautiously watch Sweeney as he begins the "I'm so totally crazy" bit of the song.
Alright! You, sir! How about a shave?
"Um, I think I'll pass…"
Come and visit your good friend Sweeney! You, sir! Too, sir. Welcome to the grave!
"Yes, the phrase 'Welcome to the Grave' will really attract the customers! Good luck with that!"
I will have vengeance…
"I have a plan."
I will have salvation…!
"My god! It's like I'm talking to a brick wall!"
Who, sir? You, sir? No one's in the chair. Come on, come on!
"Well, gee! I wonder why no one's in your chair?"
Sweeney's waiting…I want you bleeders…
"That's why."
You, sir. ANYBODY! Gentlemen, now don't be shy.
"They're not shy, fool. They're afraid of you!"
Not one man . No, nor ten men nor a hundred can assuage me. I will have you!
"And you'll be arrested before you could kill the Judge because of your deranged logic!"
And I will get him back, even as he gloats! In the mean time, I'll practice on less honorable throats.
"Uh, no need for that, dearie! I have a plan!"
And my Lucy lies in ashes!
"WAAIIT a minute!" I bellow, actually causing Sweeney to pause from his singing.
"What?" He asks me.
"Lucy isn't lying in ashes. She may be lying on some rich guy right now for money, but she's certainly not lying in ashes, silly. She's alive, remember?" Sweeney stares at me for a moment in deep thought.
"Well, she may be alive, but she's not the woman she used to be. Because of the Judge, she poisoned herself and became a crazy beggar. So, figuratively speaking, she is dead. Get my drift?" Sweeney explains, having a "Rupert Giles" moment. I think about it and I' guess he has a point.
"Yeah, I guess so. Carry on."
And I'll never see my girl again! But the work waits! I'm alive at last! And I'm full of joy…!
Sweeney has himself on his knees with his arms spread wide. I stare at him for a moment before standing up. Well, the song is officially over. Hopefully, he'll finally listen to me now that his little tantrum is over with.
"Are you quite done?" I ask. Sweeney blinks, looking up at me. He slowly lowers his arms and looks to the floor.
"Yes," He mutters.
"Good. Now, come with me. I need to fill you and the others in on my plan to get the Judge and Beadle here without having to kill half of London in the process!" I say as I offer my hand to Sweeney. He looks up at me and finally takes my hand to pull himself to his feet. We slowly go down the stairs to the pie shop. Sweeney has this dazed look on his face like he did in the movie. Hopefully, my plan will cheer him up some. We enter the pie shop to see that Mrs. Lovett and Toby had stayed in their seats since I last saw them. They both looked uneasy, but Mrs. Lovett welcomed us with a warm smile.
"Have a seat, loves. I'll yeh all a tot of Gin!" Before I can tell her that I'm too young to drink, Mrs. Lovett dashes off into the parlor. You know what? The hell with it! I'm in a different time with different rules! If a tot of Gin will help me get through this weird nightmare, then so be it!
"Here you are," Mrs. Lovett announces cheerfully as she gives us all a big mug of the clear beverage. I grab my jug and take a large gulp, which was a bad idea. I almost spit the stuff out because of its strong taste, but I force myself to swallow. When I regain my composure, I see that the three of them are staring at me expectantly.
"So, wot's th' plan, Meg?" Mrs. Lovett asks quietly.
"The plan is simple; we use Anthony and Johanna as bait to get the Judge and Beadle to come here," I say calmly, feeling a bit light-headed from the alcohol.
"And how are we going to do that?" Sweeney asks gruffly.
"As we speak, the Judge is arranging that Johanna is to be taken to Fogg's Asylum so she can't be with Anthony. We are going to help Anthony break her out and we're also going to help them flee the country. Then, after they're long gone, we'll send the Judge and Beadle a letter telling them that Anthony is going to be hiding Johanna at your Barber's Shop. When you get them inside your shop, they'll be yours to deal with." I take another sip of my gin, wincing from the taste. Sweeney has an expressionless look on his face while Toby is staring at me with wide eyes.
"He's gonna kill them?" The boy asks me.
"Yes, but they deserve it. More than you know. If you thought your old master was a prick, you'd be amazed by how evil the Judge and Beadle really are in comparison." Toby stares at me for a moment before looking down to his hands.
"This is all very well, but how are we goin' to dispose of them bodies?" Mrs. Lovett asks.
"Simple, we bake them into meat pies. Starting with Pirelli." All three of them stare at me as if I ate my own arm. I give Mrs. Lovett a look.
"Hey, it was you who originally came up with this plan, you know," I state. Mrs. Lovett blinks before looking away. I can tell that she's thinking it through because a very slight grin forms on her face.
"Well, I suppose it's fitting. Those above servin' those down below, eh?" She gives Sweeney a wicked grin, in which he returns. I look at Toby, whose face is unusually blank.
"Look, I know this doesn't seem right, but the Judge and Beadle have done many innocent people wrong. Both have molested defenseless women and both have sent innocent people to either prison or to their deaths. The only people Mrs. Lovett with be cooking into pies are the Judge, the Beadle, and Pirelli. You gotta trust me, Toby." Slowly, Toby looks at me. It's hard to tell what he's thinking at first. I can tell that he's thinking it through. He then looks at Mrs. Lovett.
"Can I help yeh butcher 'em, ma'am?" He asks quietly. Mrs. Lovett looks a bit shocked.
"I want to help," Toby states, allowing a small smile to form. Mrs. Lovett, after a moment, smiles warmly back at him.
"Of course you can, dear. C'mon, let's get that crate from upstairs. We'll get started t'night." Sweeney and I watched Mrs. Lovett and Toby leave the shop to fetch Pirelli. I look at Sweeney, noticing that his gaze is still on Mrs. Lovett until she disappears from sight. I try not to grin when he looks at me.
"The Pirelli pies should be enough to get her business booming again. That may also help attract the Beadle, at least, to come by on his own. You're probably going to have to help Mrs. Lovett buy normal meat for her pies until we can set our plan in motion," I say to Sweeney as I take another sip of gin. Other than the stinging, this isn't half bad!
"Of course," Sweeney says quietly. He gets up and starts to head for the door.
"Where are you going?" I ask.
"I'm going to help Mrs. Lovett and the boy with the body. Care to join me?"
"Um, no thanks. I don't feel comfortable about butchering a body. I'm just here to help set things straight, you know." Sweeney smiles slightly at me before leaving for his shop. I smile, feeling very triumphant. Things are working out better than I thought. Hopefully, all will go according to plan when it comes to Sweeney's revenge. As soon as that's over with, I can get to work on the hard part of my mission: getting Sweeney Todd and Eleanor Lovett to fall in love.