The Twin Lemons and the Beginning of the Gathering of Frenemies

Now, there came about in the home of the two boys a question. Where the heck was Kamui's mom? He avoided the question and tried to discuss other, more important things, like flying pigs. But that made Kotori spaz out because her best friend had died of the Swine Flu. So they went back to the other question. And so there was an endless cycle. Indifference, swine flu, spaz. Indifference, swine flu, spaz. But Fuuma wasn't paying attention.

Lately, Fuuma had been having nightmares. In them, a witch doctor had been telling him that he couldn't use his new friend Kamui for surgical practice. He was getting frustrated. Who was this witch doctor, who kept traumatizing him with happy thoughts? Again and again, he saw his friend, smiling, having a great time. It was terrifying. For there's one rule that all surgeons must follow: Do not get attached to your prey. Ahem, patients.

Kamui on the other hand, was very confused. Why, just the other day, he had spied the drunkard from before with his posse surrounding a hobo on the street. The hobo was very ugly, resembling a rotten squash with long silvery hair. Kamui would've helped her, except she was so . . . ugly. So ugly.

And then, when he managed to find sleep, the hobo would appear in his dreams calling, "Destiny! Destiny! Destiny!" He tried to shut her out, like his old greasy haired teacher had taught him, but she was too strong, forcing him to relive the worst moments of his life. Again and again, he saw letters. Letters. Letters from ugly screaming fan girls. They never ended. He tried to resist, but her screams always resounded in his ears. "DESTINY! DESTINY! DESTINY"

Something was about to happen. Something that would affect everyone, even the out-of-work lowlife surfers that tried to hitchhike across Route 66. Something that could not be undone.

Kotori knew. Behind that constant lopsided grin, she was secretly keeping contact with a long-haired Barbie. An unemployed long-haired Barbie. It was all part of the game. Their little club. The Mafia.

Kakyou had notified Kotori of the upcoming changes of the future. Being a super ultra pop star Barbie was just a cover. His other friends, Ken, Adam, and Harry, the buff bishie dude, were all part of the Mafia. An inside job. They gained information about all kinds of things: From bathhouses to bocce ball, Hogwarts to homework, Jury Duty to Janis Joplin, and, above all, the fate of the earth and all mankind. But all Kotori cared about was Harry, the buff bishie dude. He was oh, so . . . BUFF! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . . . the feeling of love.

Kakyou, the most down-to-the-fate-of-the-earth person in the group, had recently obtained some Top Secret information on something he referred to as L.E.M.o.N., or Lethal Extraterrestrial Machinery of Now. Apparently, the L.E.M.o.N., or Lemon, as it was commonly called amongst the group of Mafioso, was a key factor in the end of the world. And it had something to do with "Kamui." Of course, no one knew who or where this "Kamui" was, not even Kotori, for when she was not in gangster mode, she was a delusional wench that could only remember the name of her pet spider Sméagol. So alas, the Mafia was baffled with the mystery of "Kamui" and the Lemon.

Meanwhile, the real Kamui had been abducted a second time on his way to Starbucks by the drunkard and his posse. They shoved him into the back of an old Volvo and tortured him with Cabbage Patch Kids to make him keep quiet. He lay there, hardly daring to breathe, while a very gorgeous man, who could possibly be a model, and a woman completely covered in Kermit the Frogs watched him with wonder.

When the beat up old car finally arrived at its destination, the model man and the Lady Gaga wannabe dragged poor Kamui out of the car, while the drunkard followed close behind, a Cabbage Patch Kid in each hand. They led him to a dilapidated old Public Storage building and walked him inside, staring straight ahead with a look of triumph on each of their faces. Kamui looked around him, taking in the mountains of old China dolls, fallen boxes, pogo sticks, and other miscellaneous items that littered the dusty floor.

"What the heck is going on here?" he asked, bemused. Suddenly, the drunkard pushed him roughly from behind, and he stumbled into a storage closet, the door sliding shut behind him. It was pitch-black. Kamui put his hand in front of him, but he couldn't see it, or anything else. He heard a jingle of bells and froze. Then a voice crackled somewhere from the ground.

"I've been expecting you, Kamui."

Fuuma had a problem. In fact, he had many. But there was one that was more important than the others. His surgical tools were missing.

He looked everywhere for them. Behind the toilet, under the bed, next to the T.V., above the washing machine, in Kotori's room, in his room, in Kamui's room, everywhere! He was fed up. Now nothing could begin and nothing could end. It was almost like a part of his soul was gone. Now he had no hope. Until one day. And it was all because of Kotori.

The Mafia often held their meetings within the Tofu-Sushi Shrine, Fuuma and Kotori's home. Usually, Fuuma just ignored them and sharpened his incision tools and cheese graters, but he was too depressed to do so. He didn't have anything to sharpen anyway. So he glumly sat in the corner of the kitchen munching on strawberry pocky while a strange looking man-woman spoke. He perked up when he heard the all too familiar name . . .

". . . Kamui's destiny, as you all know. But apparently, the lemon seems to have a twin star, a duplicate. So that must mean . . ."

"Wait, Kamui? What?" Fuuma stood and ran over to the man-woman. He shook . . . him . . . by the shoulders. "What do you mean?" Kakyou looked slightly miffed at the unexpected disturbance from the sidelines. But nevertheless, he sighed and began explaining to Fuuma, while Ken, Adam, and Harry, the buff bishie dude, nodded their heads silently like they were at some Goth concert somewhere. Kotori just stroked the back of a milk carton.

"You see, Kamui is the chosen one. He is the one who will decide the fate of the earth, whether the humans survive or the earth is saved. He must carry a certain weapon into battle, a weapon known as Lemon. This weapon will not obey his command unless he is the true Kamui. But recently, I have discovered that there are two Lemons. So that means that there must be two Kamui's, one for the good side and one for the bad."

Fuuma smirked. Well, if he was Kamui, he would choose that bad side. He was evil that way. What can I say? He's a doctor.

"Where exactly did you get all this information anyway?"

"Wikipedia."

Wikipedia is probably the most well-known Mafia database website in the world. Fuuma wasn't surprised.

"'But what do you mean "two Kamui's?" I thought there was only one."

"Aye, we thought that as well," spoke up Ken. "But there seems to be a little more wind to starboard than was plotted across them charts." Fuuma, Kakyou, Adam, and Harry, the buff bishie dude, stared at Ken for the longest time. Then Kakyou, after sweat-dropping, cleared his throat and started to speak. But he was once again interrupted by the cute little rat in the corner.

"Onii-chan! Onii-chan! Onii-chan!" cried Kotori, wiggling across the floor. "It's Area 11! They've started the attack again! Help! We must defend Britannia and all that we hold dear, otherwise all will fall into despair and . . ."

"Silence, you nitwit," spat Kakyou, looming over the prostrate Kotori. "Quit your babbling. We men have important things to discuss."

"Such as Kamui and the fate of the earth?" suggested Fuuma.

"Exactly! You catch on fast, my man." Kakyou gave Fuuma a hearty slap on the back, perhaps a little too hearty, and Fuuma toppled forward onto the ground next to Kotori, who squeaked and mumbled, "Fasten your seatbelts, Sherlock, it's gonna be a bumpy ride." Kakyou stared at his ugly pale hand in shock. Never before had he knocked someone to the ground with mere strength. It was almost like he was some kind of Dragon of Earth or something. Man, that would be cool . . .

"Well," huffed Fuuma, pushing himself off the ground. "I suggest we hire a few more staff members. Maybe they could, ya know, give us some inside scoop about Kamui. Because, frankly I have no idea where that little rascal has gotten off to. Haven't seen him since my tools went missing."

Kakyou was about to comment on what a splendid idea that was, when there came a loud crash, and half of the wall completely crumbled, letting in a magnificent light that temporarily blinded them. Dust filled the room, and The Mafia and Fuuma coughed, into their arms of course, and squinted into the white brightness of the beautiful day.

"Ah, what have we here, Beast?"

He felt a tug on his pant leg and looked down. But of course, he couldn't see anything. It was dark.

"I've been expecting you, Kamui," drawled the crackly voice again. Kamui fidgeted. He tried to pull away from the firm grasp on his clothes, but a steady hand yanked hard, and he fell onto his knees, shaking. He had no idea what, or who, he was up against. Probably just as well. If there had been a light there, Kamui would have been so horrified, he would have fainted.

"Who are you?" he asked, steadying his voice.

"She is the greatest dream seer prophetess in all of Japan," barked a loud voice from behind Kamui. He whipped around, searching in the blackness of the storage space for any sign of light. He heard the sound of footsteps, then gasped as a tiny light shone a few feet in front of him. It hovered for a few seconds in the blackness, then bounced in the air and hovered a few inches from where it had been. He watched transfixed, his violet eyes locked on the little orb.

"Yo Shamika. You not remembers that I bought us electricity girl? Oo wee mama!" Brilliant fluorescent lights flooded the room and Kamui thrust his knuckles into his eyes as a voice called, "Sheesh Hanukah I thought you were on the nut! Did you nick a Shawtie? Could end up in the House for that, man!" There were a few guffaws, and someone thumped the poor boy on the back.

"Dude, you chill?"

Kamui groaned, then squinted as he removed his hands from his face. Gradually, his eyes adjusted to the light, and he found that he wasn't alone. Even though he already figured that out. Two identical girls stood in front of him, slouching. One had vibrant red hair and chewed on something, probably tobacco. The other had shocking blue hair and wore a du rag. Simultaneously, they leaned down and scrutinized Kamui, who shrank back a fraction of an inch.

"Fo' sho'? This dingus is da goose? IDK . . ." said the one with the blue hair.

"Man, Shamika, you a sap. Boss said he's Kamui, he's Kamui. Fo' sho'." The one with the red hair smirked. She thrust out her hand at Kamui. "Yo squirt. Welcome to da crib. You got a spat with the Boss you got a spat with us, you dig?" Kamui eyed her hand warily before tentatively shaking it. The girl seemed satisfied and straightened up. Shamika did the same.

"Now we got the borderline out, the boss wants to waggle." Shamika and the other girl, Hanukah, grasped Kamui's arms and pulled him to his feet. He was really confused now.

"Boss? What do you . . .?"

"Zip. The floor's taken, shawtie." Shamika tapped Kamui on the nose, then stepped to the left as Hanukah stepped to the right. They revealed a person sitting on the floor behind them, surrounded by tiny candles. The person wore a straightjacket decorated with tiny bells. Her long silvery hair sprouted from her head and trailed across the storage floor. Her face was hideous, resembling a rotten squash. She smiled.

"Kamui."

And then he truly did faint.

She wasn't very tall, probably about five foot three, and the baggy clothes she wore made her look even shorter. She wasn't that beautiful, her dark eyes framed by thick round glasses and her black hair brushed back and secured with a hair tie. But she had power. And that's what made her awesome.

"What happening be this?" Kakyou yelled, terrified, as the girl drew closer.

"Perhaps you should explain, imbecile," she replied, stepping into the demolished room. A short troll stood behind her, clutching a dark mauve golf bag. He glared at the occupants of the room and wheezed. Suddenly, he spied Fuuma and squeaked, a peculiar sound that sounded much like a chicken getting roughly shaken. The little man scurried over to Fuuma and bopped him sharply on the bicep.

"Hey!" Fuuma yelled, grabbing the little swine by the wrist and shaking him. "It's rude to hurt people you don't know." The pro-wrestler stared at him, then rapidly began babbling something that sounded like, "Chest on the nymph! Chest on the nymph!" Fuuma released him, confused, as the Yugoslavian stomped over to the girl, raving. He pointed to Fuuma repeatedly, screaming the strange words. "CHEST ON THE NYMPH!" The girl gasped and gave Fuuma a once-over, then clapped her hands. The man immediately silenced and began polishing her shoes.

"Beast tells me you are the one," she said slowly, gazing at Fuuma. "Pleased to meet you, Kamui."

Fuuma frowned. "Um, no, I am not Kamui. And what do you mean the one?"

"The one who will wield the Lethal Extraterrestrial Machinery of Now in the final battle."

Everyone gasped. The Mafia stared at Fuuma in awe. Kakyou sank to his knees, a tear rolling down his cheek. Ken, Adam, and Harry, the buff bishie dude, took a knee as well, bowing their heads at a perplexed Fuuma. The girl with the glasses stepped forward again, now level with Fuuma. He stared down at her and gaped.

"I am Satsuki Yatouji. I am honored to be meeting with you. My only request is to stay by your side and help you in the battle for the fate of the earth."

"Funny girl with the glasses say WHAT?"

"The battle for the fate of the earth. You shall be in it. Fighting someone you love." Fuuma glanced across the room at Kotori, who was trying to lick her elbow. Satsuki grimaced.

"Oh GOD no! No, you shall be fighting the other Kamui."

"For reals?"

"Yes, You shall be fighting the other Kamui. And he shall die."

Note: I hope that the part with Shamika and Hanukah isn't too confusing. Basically I just changed their real names to sound more hood :)

Please R+R! Thank You!