A/N: Because I forgot to do it before . . . I do not own X. I am not associated with CLAMP. If I was, I wouldn't have to live where I live now. I would have soooooo much FREEDOM! GWAZZAH!
This story is pure crack randomness. I'm sorry if it offends anyone.
I found a llama under your porch . . .
"And so," continued Satsuki. "We must gather together the rest of our clan."
"Clan?" asked Fuuma, admiring how Beast expertly touched his tongue to his nostrils.
"Yes. You didn't think you'd be alone in the end of the world now, did you?"
"Who shall be in this little clan, eh?" asked Kakyou, rising.
"In a moment, we shall see," replied Satsuki coolly. She signaled to Beast, who rolled his tongue into his mouth and lifted the mauve golf bag. He dragged it, wheezing, to the center of the room as Fuuma, Kakyou, Ken, Adam, Harry (T.B.B.D.) and Kotori watched. Satsuki placed her hand on the bag and whispered something snakelike.
"A Parselmouth!" exclaimed Harry, the buff bishie dude. Nobody minded him. He was always saying the strangest things.
Suddenly, a brilliant red light burst from the bag in the form of a long dragon and disappeared into thin air. The golf bag shattered, as if it were made of glass, and the whole room quaked violently. Kakyou grabbed onto Ken, who grabbed onto Adam, who grabbed onto Harry, the buff bishie dude, who grabbed onto Fuuma, who tried to grab onto Kotori, but couldn't because she was wriggling and rolling all over the floor laughing hysterically and screaming, "IT'S A BOUNCY RIDE!!!!! I WANT MORE MARSHMALLOWS, MR. ROGERS!" But in no time, everything ceased, and the quaking stopped, leaving five shaking men and one girl trying to imitate a moose in its wake. The freak named Satsuki quietly observed the folks of the room and smirked. They were all such imbeciles.
Beast held a small milk carton in his hands, which he lifted up to his master slowly. The Yatouji girl took it and sighed deeply. Her spell had worked. She would have to thank her teacher for that later. But now, there were more important things to be done . . .
"The crystals, Beast," she said, her eyes closed. Beast bowed, then rummaged in his sweat pants pockets. Kakyou spoke up then.
"What was that?!" he cried, outraged.
"I needed to say the magical spell in the presence of "Kamui" so that I could obtain the Bountiful Ultra-nuclear Timeless Tracking Device and Dairy Supplier. The B.U.T.T. D.A.D.S."
"The BUTT DADS?!"
"Yeah."
"THAT'S A MILK CARTON!" Kakyou screamed, pointing to the object in the woman's hands.
"It's not just a milk carton, it's a strawberry milk carton. And using it, I can call the members of our clan to us." She looked at Kakyou like he had said something incredibly stupid. He just silently shook his head, pondering on how a milk carton could be born from a golf bag.
"Bits of Gandalf mother doodads," said Beast, frowning up at Satsuki. At least, that's what it sounded like he said. Satsuki glared at him.
"You forgot the crystals?!" she shouted, causing poor Beast to moan in shame. "I must have reminded you at least ONE TIME to bring them! If even that! Why am I surrounded by idiots?!"
"Fear not, fair four-eyes, I have a spare canteen of crystals." Heads turned to Adam, who held out a handful of crystals to a stunned Satsuki. She blushed, mumbled a weak " thanks" and placed them in the milk carton. Kakyou turned to Adam, surprised.
"Where did you get those?"
"I traded ofuda for them at my last cosplay. My friend gave them to me."
"Which friend?" Kakyou knew that Adam was an emotional wreck, and he had few friends, if any.
Adam glared at Kakyou with his light pink eyes. "That is strictly on a need to know basis and you don't need to know." Kakyou paled. Both were silent. Then they heard Satsuki talking and faced her.
"Beast shall now perform the ritual, and call forth the other members of the clan. I need complete silence." At this last remark, she glared at Kotori who was singing "Jingle Bells" backwards. Out of nowhere, a frying pan collided with the back of Kotori's fuzzy head and the girl keeled over, out cold. Fuuma watched, half grateful and half angry, as Satsuki folded the frying pan back into her jacket. This was just so epic.
Beast placed his chubby hands over the milk carton and closed his eyes. Satsuki sat on the floor Indian style and instructed the other conscious ones to do the same. Beast began to murmur something, a chant that grew louder with each line.
"Tiny bubbles from the ocean
Tiny seashells she sells me
Send me all the stallions and frogs
I want a banana and eggnog to go."
Kakyou made a noise of indifference at the lame little poem that was repeated over and over again. Satsuki shot a death glare at him, but made no sound. Everyone else was silent and still as they waited to see what would happen.
After Beast had chanted the poem seven times, he opened his eyes and lifted his hands to his face. The milk carton hovered impossibly in midair, a red fog swirling around the outside container. Kakyou heard Harry, the buff bishie dude, whisper something like, "Neville's Remembrall" and ignored him. Beast grunted, then began the torture.
"CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!" Simultaneously, everyone grabbed their ears and tried to block out the horrible crowing. It was unnaturally loud, and it was all they could do to not become deaf. It was so loud that it woke Kotori, who groggily sat up and stared at the wall. Even Satsuki's pointer fingers were lodged uncomfortably in her ears. Beast continued to scream until another red snakelike flash erupted from the levitating milk carton. He immediately silenced, and the members of the room slowly and tentatively removed their hands from their ears. They looked up at Satsuki, who stood silently in the center of the room. She was staring happily at something behind them. The Mafia and Fuuma rose to their feet and turned to face the demolished wall. Standing there were four men, the other members of the clan.
"Welcome," said Satsuki briskly. "I am Satsuki Yatouji. I have called you here because the fate of the world depends upon us. We must win!" At this last remark, she brandished her arm in the air in a "Yes We Can!" stance, a triumphant smile across her face. This didn't really help her features at all. One of the men stepped forward, brandishing a metal detector.
"Are we gonna be paid?" he asked in a gruff voice.
"But of course," replied Satsuki, irked.
"Yeah! I'm in!" He threw his metal detector to the side and danced a jig.
Kakyou pondered on what had just transpired. If he joined this girl's "clan," he might not have to live on the street anymore. The Mafia was an Epic Fail, and he was out of work, so there was no real risk.
"Now, I think we should play the Name Game, because then I will know what to call you all," said Satsuki. The four newcomers happily agreed. Ken, Adam, Harry, the buff bishie dude, Kakyou, Fuuma, and Kotori just stood there awkwardly, especially Kotori. Satsuki observed them and said, "I only need the man-woman and "Kamui." The rest of you can just disappear." Poor Ken, Adam, and Harry, the buff bishie dude, silently trudged across the room and walked through the demolished wall. Kotori bounced after them screaming, "I'LL GET YOU MY PRETTIES!" Kakyou felt bad for her.
"Alright, I'll go first then," said the metal detector guy after everyone was settled. "I'm Kusanagi Shiyu. My favorite color is poop-brown, and my favorite food is stroganoff."
"I'm Yuuto Kigai," said a blonde man on Kusanagi's right. "My favorite color is light blue, and my favorite food is either beef or steak." Satsuki blushed, Yuuto was smokin' hot.
"I-I am, uh, I, uh, am, err, I think, uh, I am Na-Na-Nataku," stammered a young boy to the right of Yuuto. He looked very nervous, and kept fidgeting with a piece of cloth in his lap.
"What's your last name?" asked Satsuki, trying to be kind. Nataku paled.
"L-l-last n-name? Last . . . n-n-name?"
"Urgh! Never mind. I know who you are anyway," said Satsuki, who had minimal patience.
"I am Seishirou Sakurazuka," said a charming man next to Nataku. Everyone gasped. The famous anchorman for the five o' clock news! They were in awe. He flashed a fake smile, then continued. "My favorite color is emerald green, and my favorite food is chocolate chip ice cream."
"Uh, my name is Fuuma Monou, and my favorite color is . . ." Fuuma tried to remember. Everyone stared at him, waiting. He just said the first color that came to mind. " . . . amethyst. And my favorite food is okonomiyaki."
"Kakyou Kuzuki. Orange. Chili dogs."
"And you all know I am Satsuki Yatouji. My favorite color is black, and my favorite food is truffles. So now that we know each other, let's get down to business."
"WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE!"
So . . . bright. It was . . . so bright. He raised his arms to try to block out the light, but it was too bright. He mumbled something, and he heard startled gasps.
"He is awake!"
"Es El!"
"Kamui!"
And then he opened his eyes. Into a flashlight.
"Owwwww! What the . . ."
"Hey Ashes, get that light out of his face!" The flashlight was removed, and Kamui saw little green and purple blotches in front of him. They disappeared quickly enough, and he looked up. Standing over him were three people he had never seen before. One was holding an ax. He screamed.
"Kamui, please! Calm yourself. We are here to help, not harm you!" It was the raspy-voiced hobo from earlier. Kamui moaned and sat up, rubbing the back of his head. The people stepped back, watching him. The thing in the straightjacket watched him as well, her glossy red eyes sweeping unceasingly over him. It was very unnerving.
"Who are you, and what do you want with me?" asked Kamui in a low voice.
"Please, just listen to what we have to say," said the hobo. "We need you to save the world."
"Puh-lease! This isn't a shoujo manga."
The hobo sighed. This was going to be difficult enough. She nodded to the group of people watching Kamui. One girl stepped forward.
"So, like, here's the 411 dude," she said, cinching her hips. Kamui eyed the ax in her hand warily. "You, like, were totally trippin' a second ago, but like, you need to start paying close like attention to like every single thing I am about to tell you."
"Oh my word," sighed the freakishly large wolf-like dog next to her. "Enough, Yuzuriha."
"HOLY BILLBOARD! THE DOG JUST TALKED!" screamed Kamui, bolting up and falling into the arms of someone who just rushed in.
"Oh, ah, um, sorry," said the person supporting him. "I take it you are Kamui? My pleasure to meet you. I'm Subaru Sumeragi." Kamui stood straight and turned to face his rescuer. It was a man, a very nice looking man, with sad green eyes and straight dark hair. Kamui blushed, for unknown private reasons.
"H-hey. Er, thanks . . ." There was an awkward pause in which Kamui gaped at Subaru's beautiful colonial costume and the man himself stared at the floor. Thankfully, someone broke this silent fangirlish scene with a loud cough.
"Like, COUGH!" said Yuzuriha, drumming her fingers on the hilt of the ax. "I was like so totally saying something when YOU decided to interrupt! I can't tolerate that like AT ALL!" Yuzuriha brandished her ax threateningly at Subaru, who sweat-dropped and hid behind Kamui. The talking dog sighed and put its snout in its paws.
"My children, calm yourselves," mused the raspy voiced hobo. "Let's not be too hasty. Besides, we barely even know each other! How about a nice game of truth or dare to get started, ne?" Nobody dared to disobey. Shamika, Hanukah, and the drunkard from earlier bared their teeth and started to close in on the occupants of the room. For added measure, the drunkard raised a Cabbage Patch Kid warningly. Kamui gulped and slowly sat in a circle with the rest of the humans.
"All right! I get to start!" said the hobo freak cheerfully. "And I choose Kamui!" Everyone stared at the poor boy. How was it they all knew him but he only knew Subaru?! "Truth or dare?"
"Ah, truth."
"How many Pokémon plushies do you currently own? NO LYING!"
Of course the weasel would pick a tough one, thought Kamui. "S . . . S-Seventeen."
"YES! I AM NO LONGER ALONE IN THIS WORLD!" screamed Subaru. Immediately following he turned beet red and muttered a thousand apologies.
"Alright Kamui, now you pick someone!" said the hobo shaking the bells on her bindings.
"Uh, you." He pointed the gorgeous model-man. "Truth or dare?"
"Dare! And I'm Sorata by the way."
"Er, hi Sorata. Um, I dare you to sing like a girl."
"Pshaw! I do that anyway!" And with that, Sorata sang a few bars of "My Heart Will Go On."
"Alright, I choose Yuzuriha!" said Sorata, bouncing. "Truth or dare?"
"Like, truth," she said, burying her ax in the wall.
"How many times have you slipped in the shower?"
"Like, how do you expect me to know that? Every time I step into the shower I fall on my face." Kamui burst out laughing. Subaru nudged him to be quiet.
"And like, I choose you, hot stuff." The clumsy girl nodded to Subaru, who blushed. "Truth or dare?"
"Truth, if you please."
"What was the last thing your boyfriend said to you?"
"Ah, let's see. It was two weeks ago . . ." While Subaru thought for a moment, Kamui almost gaped at Subaru. Boyfriend? BOYFRIEND? Did that mean . . .
"It was, 'I found a llama under your porch.'"
"Like, what?"
" 'I found a llama under your porch!' That's what he said!" Yuzuriha and the rest of the occupants in the room stared at him. "Never mind," he muttered, blushing AGAIN. "Uh, I choose Arashi." The girl that was trying to be Lady Gaga perked up. "Truth or dare?"
"Dare! Dare! Dare!" she swayed back and forth, enveloped in a sea of Kermit the Frogs.
"The next time we see each other, wear something normal." Kamui burst out laughing again as Arashi stopped swaying, shock written all over her face. She sank down onto her stomach and clutched the floor. This was probably the most difficult thing she had ever been asked to do. But she would do it.
"Alright then, I choose Ashes," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.
"Um, my name is Seiichirou, not Ashes. Would you please call me by the name my mother gave me?" Kamui turned to see a forlorn man wearing clothes that were covered in grime. He looked very tired, and his glasses were cracked. What a hobo.
"Whatever, Say-YEE-cheer-oh!" spat Arashi, to the amusement of Sorata. "Truth or dare?"
"Truth."
"Have you ever taken a bath?"
Seiichirou looked very uncomfortable as Sorata and Kamui rolled all over the floor, clutching their sides as tears streamed down their faces. Subaru muttered, "It's not funny Kamui," but the boys just laughed harder, pounding their fists on the floor and staring at Seiichirou's slightly blackened face with unquenchable mirth. But suddenly, a stiletto collided firmly into the side of Sorata's head and another into Kamui's gut. They immediately stopped laughing, subdued by the unexpected pain.
"How DARE you!" shouted a strange woman whose dress was exceptionally modest. "He's obviously not as fortunate as we are! How COULD you be so CRUEL?! Usted idiotas enviados desde el infierno!"
"Um, excuse me?" said Seiichirou timidly, gazing up at the blonde woman.
"Oh, lo siento mucho! I'm sorry! When I get really upset, I start to talk in Español, so don't worry about it. Part of my heritage, you see." Everyone stared at her. She glared at them, daring anyone to challenge her. Seiichirou was the first to speak.
"Um, well, madam, you haven't gone yet, so uh, truth or dare miss . . ."
"I am Karen Kasumi."
"Truth or dare, Kasumi-san?"
"Truth."
"Is that blonde wig really a disguise to cover up that you're secretly a mass murderer that has some really dumb name just because of her hair color?"
"No, of course not," smiled Karen sweetly, crossing her fingers behind her back. "Chemotherapy."
"Ah, I'm terribly sorry," said Seiichirou whole-heartedly.
"EXCUSE me! This isn't a tea party you freaks! I'm the last one to go so ask me the question!" the hobo in the straightjacket was getting restless. Her eyes were open wide and she grinded her teeth at Karen.
"Alright then, Hinoto-hime," said Karen, patting her head. Kamui gasped. Hinoto-Sensei? From fourth grade?
Suddenly, there was a flashback.
Kamui, in the principal's office again for accidentally smashing the whiteboard with his mind. About to be expelled. And suddenly the door burst open, and in rushed Hinoto-Sensei, the beautiful math teacher, her long silvery hair cascading down her back in a wave of beauty, her beautiful cream face yelling, "Stop, Sensei! Kamui is innocent! I found the real child who did it!" She held up a scrawny boy who did look very similar to Kamui. This boy had the same hair and eye color, but was taller than little Kamui. Kamui knew that he was on the chess team at school and that he had won many tournaments. The boy was screaming, "Let me go! It wasn't me! I don't even come to school that much! I have to stay home and take care of Nunally!" But the principal stared down at him and said, "Enough with your lies, Lamperouge! I knew it was you!" And with that, Hinoto-Sensei escorted an ecstatic Kamui out of the principal's office as the screams of the boy faded into the distance. "You saved me, Sensei," cried Kamui, rushing into his teacher's arms. "We can't have anyone else finding out about what you are, sweetie," she said, her scarlet eyes watching him with love. "What I am?" he asked as she picked him up and carried him back to class. "Yes."
Kamui jerked out of his trance and rushed to the bound hobo of a teacher. "Hinoto-Sensei! What happened to you?!"
The hobo smiled, making her already ugly face crinkle grotesquely.
"Let's just say I, uh, let myself go and didn't upkeep my appearance. But no need to worry, dear Kamui, I'm still the same old me, so you have nothing to fear." Kamui didn't bother to mention that harmless people aren't usually confined to straightjackets. Subaru looked as though he was having second thoughts about coming as well.
"Now then," said Hinoto the harmful hobo. "It's high time we discuss what we originally gathered here to discuss: the fate of the world. And you, Kamui. We must discuss your destiny."
XD please review!