So, I just want to start out telling everyone how grateful I am for reviews! I noticed I have had 300 people visit so far but I only get reviews from a few! I hope everyone is liking this, let me know if you do or even if you don't, I can handle it! I just love the feedback!!
As always thanks to: PsychWardSiren, AmeryMarie (glad you hung in there for me!), NeenaTH, i-heart-music-is-life, winternow, kairikh2 for reviewing last chapter! It means the world to me as you know!
Stephenie Meyer owns the rights to the wonderful world of Twilight, I just like to play with the characters!
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EPOV
I have to be the dumbest motherfucker on the face of this planet. Did I not just go and profess to Bella that I had feelings for her two nights ago? Did I not tell her everything would be different and that I would prove to her that I was trustworthy when I said that I wanted more with her?
Explain to me than how I managed to not only fuck Tanya inside her car that was parked in my driveway after I had already broken up with her, but how I did all of it with an audience apparently.
An audience that included my Bella.
Rose, Emmett, that fucker Jasper, and my Bella all watched as Tanya's car shook and as we exited red-faced, out of breath and completely caught.
I had no idea that they would all be coming back to Bella's house. I thought they would go to Rose's house.
God didn't that fucker want to visit his family before trying to swoop in on Bella?
When Jasper the boy-fucking-wonder showed up at Bella's locker with fucking roses, which Bella doesn't even like, I just about blew a gasket right there. It took every bit of energy I had not to plow through that motherfucker's face right then and there.
But I knew Bella would be mad at me.
I tried to stop her from going to him in the hallway, displaying more of the ways I'll never change to her, but she shook me off and fucking jogged to that smug bastard. She hugged him and it felt like daggers to my heart. I wanted to rip someone's head off. It's a good god damn thing Newton didn't happen to walk by during my rage or he was likely to get a fucking punch to the temple.
Everything in my body screamed that Bella being all fucking doe-eyed with this Jasper bitch was not going to end well for me. He's fucking honing in on my best friend, my girl, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.
I'll never be good enough for Bella.
I couldn't take one more second of their little reunion so I punched the fucking locker closest to me and jetted the fuck outta there. I started the Volvo and hightailed it out of the parking lot so I didn't have to watch them parade around together anymore.
Oh god, I feel sick. She's going to be with him. Oh God, Oh God.
Get a hold of yourself, Cullen.
Halfway home, my phone rang and I didn't even look at the caller I.D., I just picked up and yelled, "What?"
"Is that any way to greet me, baby?"
Not who I'd thought it would be, "Tanya. I wasn't expecting to hear from you."
She purred into the phone, "Well, I wasn't going to call, but I needed a release and I figured you were over being mad at me by now."
What a fucking coincidence, I need a fucking release as well.
"Where are you? In Port Angeles?"
She giggled, "No, I'm actually in Forks. I was anticipating that you would agree to our little rendevous so I skipped outta school early."
"Perfect. See you at my house in five minutes then."
I hung up quickly and sped home, seeing red and not thinking or caring at that point about the consequences of my actions.
Bella wasn't going to be with me, she was going to be with Jasper.
A blind man can see that.
He brought her roses to school and took her surfing and to concerts and held her hand when she got stitches. He made her forget about me completely for three weeks. At least it felt like it. I sent her stupid texts to ask her about her boobs just because I missed her and didn't want to be sappy. She barely wrote me back.
I can remember being so angry at Carlisle and Esme for sending me to camp. I begged and pleaded with them when Emmett wasn't around to let me stay home but they wouldn't hear it. They said it would be good for Bella and I to spend some time apart.
Go figure.
Good call Mom and Dad.
Send Bella right into some fucking cowboy's arms.
I shook my head, getting angrier by the minute.
Why can't I just be good enough for her?
When I got to my house, Tanya was already there, sitting on the hood of her car, picking at her fingernails.
I knew I didn't want to take Tanya in the house again, but I couldn't very well fuck her right there on the front porch.
I pointed to her car, "Climb in the backseat, we can't go in the house. Esme will be home soon."
There weren't any tender kisses between the two of us. This wasn't making love. This was pure sex. Tanya wasn't a foreplay kind of girl.
Each thrust into Tanya felt like a part of me was breaking off emotionally. I was free-falling into a pit of despair and hopelessness about Bella. Each thrust sparked a new memory, a new reminder of different ways being so enraptured by Bella could destroy my already fragile heart.
Bella leaving me the same way my birth mom left.
Bella running into that fucker's arms.
Bella making love to him.
I was already so broken. I couldn't take much more.
My picture-perfect life in Forks was destroyed the day Elizabeth Masen came walking onto my front porch. My black and white outlook on life became a dull shade of gray quickly.
If Bella wasn't with me now, would she ever be?
Who am I kidding?
If she were going to choose me she would have kissed me back in her room the other day.
The woman who gave birth to me couldn't stand the sight of me. That's supposed to be a bond that is never broken. Bella had no real attachment to me the way a mother does to a child. Who's to say she wouldn't walk out, too?
I don't ever want to feel like I did the day I found out I was adopted. My life turned upside down from that day on. I didn't allow myself to care as deeply about anything. It made me question everyone and everything around me.
I think that's another reason why I never pursued anything with Bella on a romantic level.
She was so great through the whole adoption thing that I became completely obsessed with her. I wouldn't let anyone near her for fear of them messing up this perfect creature.
Bella was so god damn picture perfect to me that I couldn't stand the thought of messing her up by being a shitty boyfriend either. I couldn't be with her but I'd be damned if anyone is with her, I had thought.
I was a shitty boyfriend to Tanya. I didn't take Tanya to concerts or to surf. Most of the time we either played music or fucked. That was it.
So, why wouldn't I be a shitty boyfriend to Bella, too?
Speeding up my pace with Tanya, I made a snap decision. I decided to make it so Bella could have her picture perfect life. I'd be her friend and nothing else. I was going to take the coward's way out. Instead of fighting for her and taking the chance of fucking it all up, I was going to bow out, "Tanya, I'm sorry, so so sorry. Will you forgive me?"
She writhed underneath me moaning, "Oh Eddie, of course. I knew you'd come back."
It didn't take long for me to finish after that because my pumps got even faster, angrier, more desperate, and soon Tanya and I were dressing uncomfortably in the backseat of her car, sweaty and looking like a hot mess.
A couple of voices caught my attention and I looked out the back window of the Mustang to see that Emmett's Jeep was parked on the street near our house.
My throat constricted and it felt like I couldn't breathe. Please don't let her be outside of this car. I'm going to tell her about Tanya and I getting back together so she can move on with Jasper as much as I fucking hate it, just please don't let her be outside of this car.
I stumbled out of the car behind Tanya, praying to any available higher being that Bella would be anywhere but in her driveway.
But of course she was there, right in front of me.
As my eyes made contact with Bella standing there frozen, rigid on the pavement, I honestly thought I was seeing things.
This couldn't be happening.
I cannot possibly be hurting her like this again.
It's you, Edward. Of course you're hurting her again.
In her eyes I saw so many emotions it literally leveled me.
I saw raw pain and jealousy, I saw anger and betrayal, but most of all I saw disappointment and defeat.
My Bella, I have to stop calling her that, Bella looked defeated because her dickhead best friend just can't stop whoring around, even after admitting his love for her.
I broke her heart all over again, but it was all for her, after all, right?
So she could get her happy ending with fucking Jasper.
Who the fuck names their kid Jasper anyways?
This wasn't fair to her.
I opened my mouth to say something but before I could Bella had rounded everyone up to go into her house. She climbed up her front porch steps and for a minute I thought she might turn and say something but she didn't.
She flipped us off and slammed the door, telling me exactly what I was afraid of all along.
She's leaving me.
----
After Tanya left, I trudged up to my room. I was with a girl I didn't really like anymore so the girl I'm in love with can have her happy ending with another guy.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I need to stop this angsty bullshit.
Like a fucking masochist though, I keep looking out the window to see if Jasper and his bitch sister have left Bella's house yet but the only movement I've seen in four hours was Chief Swan parking next to Bella's truck in the driveway.
What the fuck could they be doing over there?
You could know if you weren't such a flaming fucktard, Edward.
Bella might have invited you over for her delicious Meatloaf Monday dinner. But noooo, you have to go all porn-star in the driveway.
Yanking on my hair for what seemed like the hundredth time this hour, I decided I was slowly going crazy.
I shuffled out of my room in search of something to eat to take my mind of this whole mess.
Esme was in the kitchen humming over a pot of her famous chili, her auburn hair cascading in waves down her back. Carlisle was at the table reading the front page of the newspaper.
"Hi, Mom."
"Edward, how are you darling?"
"Pretty shitty actually."
"Language, Edward," piped Carlisle from behind his paper.
I rolled my eyes, "Crappy, actually. Really fu-freaking crappy."
"What could be that bad, dear?"
"Bella. Bella could be that bad. Or at least what I did to Bella could be that bad."
Coming over to squeeze my cheek, she asked, "What could you have possibly done to Bellissima that she wouldn't want to talk to you? You two are inseparable."
I grunted, "Ha, not anymore. She hates me for sure this time."
The front door slammed and I heard footsteps coming towards the kitchen.
Carlisle folded his newspaper down, he rain a hand through his blonde locks, a behavior I learned from him apparently, "It can't be that bad, Edward. You two are lifelong friends. Nothing will stand in the way of yours and Bella's friendship."
Emmett chose that time for him and Rosalie to saunter into the kitchen, "Oh, I don't know about that Dad. Bella de-Edwardized her room and everything. It's pretty serious."
Carlisle looked confused and Esme looked heartbroken.
"What exactly is de-Edwardizing?" Esme asked honestly.
"Bella took all the crap that reminded her of Edward out of her room and gave it back to him in three big bags." Rosalie stated full of bitchiness.
You're lucky it's wrong to hit a girl, Hale.
Esme's brow furrowed, "Well why would she do that? What happened, Edward?"
Rose and Emmett had stupid little smiles on their faces as they looked from Esme back to me.
Fuck.
What to say, what to say.
Somehow I just don't think Esme would approve of my man-whore ways right now. Do I let her down easy? Well, Mom, we're just growing apart, blah freaking blah. Or give it to her like it is, Actually, Mom, I've been lying to everyone about this girl that turned out to be a complete waste of time but I just got back together with effectively running the love of my life into another man's arms?
I must have been thinking for awhile because Carlisle cut in, "Well, Edward, what happened with Bella? Is she okay?"
I shrugged, feeling that stab of guilt in my stomach that made it hard to talk, "Probably not. I messed up. Hurt her feelings pretty bad. For like the fifth time this week. I think she's had enough."
God, this conversation was uncomfortable.
Esme sighed, "My poor girl. Edward you need to fix it. She's your very best friend and she's alone all the time over there. She just hasn't been the same since Renee moved to Florida."
Ugh, like I didn't feel bad enough already, Mom.
Before I could explain that I was going to make it right with Bella, at least be her friend the right way again, Rosalie opened her stupid gob, "Actually, Esme, she won't be all alone. My brother Jasper just moved back to Forks and he really likes Bella. He met her two years ago when he came to visit me and has always been smitten with her. He plans on asking her to be his girlfriend whenever the timing is right. He's actually over there asking her out on their first date right now."
She smiled smugly at me before adding, "You should have seen him charming Charlie earlier, Esme. I've never seen Charlie act like that."
Esme smiled uncomfortably. It was always her's and Renee's dream for Bella and I to get married, "Well, I'm glad she's okay. But I'm still adamant about fixing your friendship with her, Edward. It's very important."
I nodded, appetite suddenly gone at the thought of Bella and Jasper on a first date, "I'll be in my room."
Hoping to be alone to wallow in my completely shitty mood, I slammed the door turning the lock. I hadn't been able to swipe any liquor from Carlisle yet and it was seriously starting to mess with my mind. How can I fall into oblivion without my tequila? How can I forget this burn deep inside my chest? It hurts too bad.
Apparently, life had other plans for me though, because my wallowing was interrupted by a light knock on the door.
"I'm okay, Mom, I'm not hungry."
"Edward?"
Holy hell. Now I'm hearing things.
I opened the door to reveal the last person I thought I would see tonight.
"Bella?"
----
BPOV
After slamming the door on Skankward and company, I took a deep breath. Rose had told Emmett and Jazz to go in the living room for a second while we talked upstairs.
Shutting my bedroom door, Rose turned to me and said, "Now what?"
I looked at her confused, "Uh, what do you mean now what?"
"Well, he told you that he wasn't seeing her anymore and we pull up to find him seeing her quite thoroughly. What are you going to do now?"
I shrugged my shoulders, trying to sound nonchalant, even though I'm pretty sure my heart was completely shattered, "He's free to do as he pleases. I'm not going to yell at him. I'm going to act like I have been. The only time I'm going to actively seek him out is when we have to do that moronic biology project."
I wanted to see him more than that damn it, my strength with this was growing thin.
It's been three days already. Ugh, see I can't make up my damn mind.
"I thought you were going to switch partners, Bella? How the hell did he manage to stay your partner?"
I got angry then, "I have no idea! It was ridiculous. Edward totally cockblocked me from switching partners and Banner agreed with him. So, now I'm stuck doing a two-week research project that's worth a third of our grade or some shit with him."
How in the hell was I going to manage that?
"And Jasper?" Rose asked hopefully.
"We'll see where it goes, Rosalie. I don't want to lead him on when I still very obviously have feelings for Edward. It's not fair"
"Hey, all I'm asking for is a shot. Remember the last time we hung out with Jazz, we had a blast. You barely mentioned Edward at all while he was at camp."
I nodded, feeling guilty for some god damn reason, "I know, I know. I will try. I'm just not promising anything. I genuinely like Jasper, I don't want to hurt him or mess anything up."
"Just explain everything to Jazz and he'll understand. I promise. He's been waiting a while for a shot with you so I know he'll do whatever he can."
Something about the way Rose said that Jasper would do whatever he could to have a chance with me really shook me.
It really made me think that maybe this is the time for me to try out something new.
I mean Edward came over and told me he wanted me to be with him and then fucked his ex-girlfriend in his driveway for all to see. They were probably back together now in his room holding hands and fucking singing stupid love songs to each other.
Fuck.
Jasper on the other hand, swept me off my feet when he was here before, left me presents promising me he'd be back someday, and then shows up with roses at my school to make good on that promise.
Some deluded part of me thought that Edward might actually make good on his promise to be the guy I wanted him to be.
I'm not stupid, I know he thought less of himself because of the whole adoption thing. He tries to hide behind his tough-guy persona but inside he's a hurt thirteen-year-old boy. I've tried to convince him to go to counseling but he blows me off everytime. I've talked to his parents, I mean Carlisle is a doctor for God's sake, and they can't get him to go either. Even when they did manage to force him to go, the one and only time, he told the therapist to shove it when she asked about his real mother.
I know about abandonment issues. I live through them everyday of my god damn life, too.
Renee leaving to live in Florida to follow her much younger boyfriend now husband rather than staying where her only daughter is broke my heart. I begged her to stay but she said she was going through a "selfish phase" and had to follow her heart or some bullshit.
Aren't your kids supposed to be your heart?
I've clung to Rose, Emmett, Charlie, and especially Edward for so long that it literally kills me inside that we're all so torn apart now because of me.
I hate that Emmett is taking my side over his own brother.
Edward was always there for me to cry on his shoulder. He always just had this sixth sense when it came to me. He would know just by the face I was making if I was upset or not and it fucking kills me inside that we're breaking up, in a sense.
I always felt like we had some kind of kindred spirit with our mother issues. That we bonded over heartbreak and were meant for each other. Esme, God I love that woman, and Renee would tell Edward and I growing up that we were going to get married.
When we were ten we thought it was gross, but as we got older and they said it more often, I secretly liked the idea.
I didn't dare tell Edward that though.
Guess they were wrong.
We were friends and only friends.
It's what I wanted anyway, right?
Be careful what you wish for and all that nonsense.
Shaking myself from my melancholy, I looked Rose in the eye, "Well, I have a meatloaf to make. Charlie will be here soon."
The rest of the night went by quickly. The boys and my dad watched sports while Rose and I flitted around the kitchen making dinner. It only got awkward one time during the meal when my dad asked where Edward was. He always came for Meatloaf Monday. I told him he was busy and Jasper swooped in and asked my dad about being a police officer, one of Charlie's favorite topics to discuss.
The gesture didn't go unnoticed by me.
Eventually, Rose and Emmett left after dessert and my dad went back into the living room to watch the rest of the game.
Jasper and I went out to sit on the old swing that sat on the far corner of my front porch.
He looked thoughtfully at me, "You have a lot going on in that pretty little mind of yours, don't you, Bella?"
I chuckled humorlessly, "You have no idea."
"You wanna talk about what we saw today in Emmett's driveway? I take it that was the elusive Edward?"
I nodded, trying not to cry, "I don't necessarily want to talk about what we saw, but why I reacted the way I did."
He looked at me with genuine concern, "Well, then spill. I'm all ears, beautiful."
So I told him the whole twisted story. I told him about my feelings for Edward over the years, his tendency to kiss me when he was drunk, our falling out, my plan to avoid him for awhile, how that backfired since we're lab partners still, how I wasn't sure if I wanted to stop being friends with him anymore which I hadn't even told Rose yet, just everything.
"Wow, that's a lot of shit, honey. No wonder you're stressed."
He went on, "You know, when it comes to Edward and your relationship, there's this saying my mom always used back in Texas that comes to mind."
"Oh yeah, what's that, Tex?"
He laughed, "It seems to me that he's riding the gravy train with biscuit wheels."
I giggled, "Meaning?"
"Well, in short, he's lucky."
"Lucky?"
He smiled, "Yeah, lucky. He's got this gorgeous girl that he's comfortable with, can talk to, hang out with, hell, even kiss when he feels like it and he doesn't hear a lick of shit for it. And she is the very best friend anyone can ask for."
"I didn't say all that now, Jazz."
"No, but Rose did. And I trust her judgment."
Exhaling loudly I said, "I just don't know when it became so complicated."
"Puberty, darlin'."
I chuckled, "You're right. As soon as I got boobs, Edward started acting all crazy."
"Well up until that time you were just his best friend that happened to be a girl. Then you became this girl with boobs that was his best friend that he might like to kiss. It's all very confusing, trust me, sugar."
"You always know exactly what to say, don't you? But Jasper, seriously, I just feel really guilty that you came to Forks for me and I'm so utterly screwed up. Some sick part of me wanted you to come to try to wake Edward up or something. And then another part of me wanted you to come because you're just so...you. Just awesome and sweet. And I hate myself for even thinking of using you to try to make Edward feel something he doesn't."
Continuing my rant, "But now, I see clearly how wrong Edward and I are for each other. We're too dependent and that's not normal. Plus, I can tell you with almost absolute certainty that Edward isn't going to be the kindest to you because of our weird friendship."
"Hey, two years have gone by since I've been here. I didn't honestly expect an absolutely stunning girl such as yourself to be free of male suitors. Trust me. I knew I'd have some competition. I just know that you're worth the fight. Plus, he doesn't get to make your decisions for you anymore, Bella. It's all you now, girl."
I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You are certainly something, Jasper Hale."
He wrapped his arm around me gently, "You are, too, Bella Swan."
We sat quietly rocking the swing for awhile before he spoke again, "So, I know that you have a lot of crap to sort through with this whole Edward thing, but do you wanna maybe do something this weekend? We'll start off slow, be friends first, get your mind off your troubles, how's that?"
I sighed, grateful to have this guy in my life now, "Definitely. I would love that. What did you have in mind?"
"I don't know exactly what yet, but I'll find something fun for us, alright?"
I giggled, "Oh, I know you will. So, when do you get the wonderful priviledge of starting Forks High?"
"I get that distinct pleasure on Wednesday. Apparently they have to wait for something to transfer or some shit, I dunno. You excited for me to come? I mean, I'm probably going to be a big deal, you know. Handsome cowboy from Texas and all that."
I laughed hard, "You have no idea how dead on you are. The girls are going to throw themselves at you left and right. I'm going to have to beat them off with a stick just to hang out with you."
"Nah, those girls don't matter anyways. I kinda got it bad for this one girl. Big, beautiful brown eyes, perfect skin, long chestnut hair. You know her?"
I blushed because, sheesh, he is a handsome cowboy from Texas and he's saying all this sweet stuff, "No, maybe you can introduce me to her. She sounds kinda boring though."
He blew out a breath, "You have no idea just how intriguing she is."
Eventually Jasper had to leave to unpack since he came right to the school when he arrived today, but before he did, he kissed me on the cheek, and told me to call him if I wanted to talk later.
I walked him to his car and told him I'd see him on Wednesday at school.
I hugged him goodbye and as he drove away, I looked up to Edward's bedroom window, and saw his shadow pacing back and forth, a nervous habit he picked up over the years.
I decided to go talk to him.
I stopped knocking on the Cullen's door when I was eleven and Esme told me it was as much my home as it was theirs. Walking in, I was assaulted by a combination of aromas, Esme's famous chili and a smell that I can only describe as...Cullen, and I felt a twist in my stomach.
I loved this house.
It felt like home to me more than my own home did.
I waved to Carlisle who was in his study as Esme ran from the kitchen. "Oh, my Bellissima. I'm so happy you're here. You and Edward worked everything out then?"
Huh, Edward told her we were fighting? I wonder who he blamed.
I hated lying to her, she was for all intents and purposes my mom, but I had no idea where Edward and I were going to stand after this conversation, "I'm just going to talk to him for a couple minutes, is that okay?"
"Take your time sweetie," she murmured as she kissed my forehead. "Oh, I just I love you two so much."
I smiled because I didn't hear that phrase often. Charlie and I weren't big on expressing sentiments like that to each other.
I went up the stairs nervously, not exactly sure what I was going to say, but knowing I had to all the same.
I knocked lightly, afraid he wouldn't be able to hear me over the music playing in his room, calling to him, "Edward?"
He opened the door quickly, "Bella?"
I shifted nervously, "Can we talk?"
He moved to the side so I could walk in.
I sat down on his bed, hoping that whatever was said between us wouldn't end in tears.
After a few minutes of staring at one another I said the first thing that came to my mind.
"So, you're back with Tanya?"
Way to ease into the conversation, Bella.
He winced, "Uh, yeah. I was going to tell you today but...it all got fucked up."
"Kinda hard to tell me when you're fucking in the front yard, isn't it?"
Shit.
I immediately felt guilty.
I didn't come here to accuse or point fingers.
I came to repair what was left of our broken friendship.
If that was possible.
He looked so far away, "Bella, seriously. I was going to tell you."
I nodded, "I know. I'm sure you were."
He cleared his throat, "So, Rose was telling Esme today, right in front of me mind you, that Jasper was planning on asking you on your first date, tonight. What did you say?"
"Edward, I came here to talk about us."
He arched his eyebrows, "Us?"
"Yes, us. Our friendship and whether or not it's worth salvaging to you."
"Don't be ridiculous. Why wouldn't it be?"
I could feel my temper starting, "Maybe because in the past three days you've been more reckless with my feelings than you've been in your entire life?"
"I never intended to hurt you any of the times I did, you have to know that."
"To be honest, Edward, I don't really know anything anymore. I'm so confused and normally you would be the one I'd talk to, not be the cause of my confusion."
He sighed and sat on the bed next to me, "I know."
"So, I mean what do we do now? Obviously this whole staying away, clean break shit isn't going to work. We have to work together on that project and to be perfectly honest, I don't want to stay away from you, I just feel so....I don't know, lost?"
He smiled for the first time in forever, "I don't want to stay away from you either, Bell."
"So, in order for us to go back to normal or whatever the hell we were before all this...girlfriend mess, I need to ask you some questions and I need you to be honest, Edward. Even if you think it will hurt me because God knows you haven't had a problem doing that these past few days."
I knew that was low but he deserved it, damnit.
He turned towards me then and looked me straight in the eyes, "You have my word, I'll be brutally honest."
I smiled, "Well, gee, thanks."
"Hey, you asked for it."
I rolled my eyes, "Okay, so right down to it. Why?"
"Why what, Bella?"
"Why would you lie to me about Tanya for six months? Obviously she means something to you, so why hide it?"
He rubbed his hand over his face, covering his eyes for a moment, before dropping it, "I knew you would freak out."
"That's bullshit, Edward. You've told me about all the other girls before. Why was this one different?"
He stood then, crossing his arms, in front of me, "Brutally honest?"
I nodded, scared of the answer.
"She was fun to hang out with, she likes good music, she called me on my shit, told me off, she was just like..."
"Oh God...,"
He was not going to tell me she was just like me, was he?
I stood to leave.
"Hey! Now hear me out. You said you wanted honesty, Bella."
I stopped myself, he was right, I needed to hear this.
I was determined to at least get mine and Edward's friendship back on some track, just not the same one it was on before.
Unable to help myself I said, "So, she's just like me only she'll screw you in her sports car in your parent's driveway and I won't, right?"
He looked at me in shock, "Bella- I...you know that I would never ask you to do that."
I mumbled, "Yeah, that's the problem."
He hadn't heard me, "What did you say?"
"Nothing, it's not important. So, she's special, huh?"
It broke my heart to ask but I needed to know.
He let out a gust of air, "Bella, how about you answer one of my questions?"
"Okay, shoot."
He asked me point-blank, "Why didn't you tell me how you felt about me?"
"Gee, I don't know. Maybe I was afraid of an outcome like this? Where you didn't feel the same way about me as I did about you and we act all awkward and I get my feelings hurt and cry, which you know I hate to do, and Rose acts all sympathetic of me, and-" I started hyperventilating.
He grabbed me into a hug and he just smelled so damn good, his cologne mixing with the faint smell of cigarettes and just, ugh, Edward, "Bella, shhh, Bella. It's okay. I'm sorry I asked."
I wiped at my eyes even though I was pushed up against his chest and I noticed that Edward had all the stuffed animals I shipped over lined up on his desk, along with the picture from the ferris wheel, and that the notes we had written to each other were all opened and spread out near his computer.
"I'm sorry I made Emmett bring all that stuff over to you."
He pulled me closer, "I'm sorry I've been such a shitty friend to you."
"You were pretty shitty."
He chuckled, "I know."
I sighed, "Okay, last uncomfortable question and then I'm going home to sleep away my worries."
"Okay. Go ahead."
It took me a minute to think of the right way to ask him.
"So, when you came over Saturday night, you know when you climbed through my window like a damn spider monkey?"
He laughed, "I prefer to think of myself as more of a silverback gorilla."
"Whatever, anyways, when you came over you...you kissed me, Edward. You kissed me and told me you wanted to be that guy for me. You said you lo-loved me. What changed?"
He pulled away quickly, answering almost robotically, "You know me. I saw Jasper as a threat to you. You know how protective I am of you and I don't like that guy, Bella. I was doing what I could to protect you. I was a dick. Like always."
"So, in order to stop me from having a possibility of happiness with Jasper, you pretended to have feelings for me in hopes of thwarting Jasper's advances?"
"Well it sounds really fucking bad when you say it like that, Bella. Fuck," he snapped at me.
"That's because it was really fucking bad, Edward. Fuck," I mocked.
He stood in front of me again, "I'm not a good guy, Bella. You know this. You've known me forever and you know I'm not a good guy. I'm just sorry it's seeped into your life now. Somehow I've managed to be a complete bastard to the only one in the world that matters to me."
"I'm not the only one anymore," I said sadly, "There's two of us now. Tanya means something."
He skated over my statement, "So, where are you and Jasper going on your first date thing."
I smirked, despite the aching hole in my chest, I'd have to get used to it after all, he's always going to be just my friend, Edward.
"I'm not sure yet. He's plotting something intricate I'm sure."
"Sounds lovely," he said sarcastically.
I tried lightening the mood, "Well, one things for sure, we won't be having a date like you and Tanya in my driveway."
He echoed me, "That's for damn sure, Bella."
"Stop it, Edward. If we're going to start over as friends you need to stop trying to tell me what to do."
He nodded, sighing softly, "You're right. I'm sorry. I do want to start over. I need you in my life."
I agreed with him sadly, "Me, too."
"So, I kind of have an idea."
"Oh yeah, what's that?"
"How about everytime we hang out successfully, meaning you don't kick me in the balls and I try not to tell you what to do, I give you back something of yours from those bags you sent over with Emmett."
I smiled, it was sweet of him to even keep all that stuff, "Okay, well you know which one I want back first."
"Well, I don't know. We've grown quite fond of one another, so I doubt you'll get that one back first."
When we were 12, and Renee moved away, Edward found this blue bear that had my name, the same name of the company that made it, stitched on the bottom of it's right foot. He knew I was sad about Renee leaving earlier in the month so he spent his allowance that week on it and gave it to me. It made me cry of course, just because he was so sweet to get it for me, but I slept with that bear, not proudly mind you, from that day on. I had been tossing and turning all weekend knowing that I had carelessly tossed her away.
Juvenile I know, but it had sentimental value.
I pinched him, "You'll give her back or I'll tell your mom you started smoking again."
His eyes popped out of his head, "How the hell did you know that?!"
"I'm a mind reader, didn't you know?"
"God, how I wish I could read your mind," he joked.
"I'd shield you from hearing my thoughts anyway. If I didn't shield you, you'd know when I liked someone and beat them up."
He laughed, "So, since you already know how I am, can I beat up Jasper then?"
"Edward."
"Well, do you like him, Bell? Give me some kind of info here. I mean you're in love with me but you like him?"
"I knew you couldn't be cool for long...God, Edward, what does it matter anymore how I feel? We're friends again. Be happy with that. Er!" I punched him in the gut, not hard, but hard enough to stun him.
"Good God, Bella. I should have never showed you how to punch properly."
"Rose taught me that move actually. I promised her when I talked to you next I'd gut check you for your sexcapades in your front yard. You're lucky it was us that caught you and not your parents."
He frowned, "I wish it was my parents."
I stopped him from dwelling, "Eh, what's done is done. What's important is that we're back on track friendship-wise, and now we can do that project without weirdness."
"Yeah, I'm glad we talked, Bell. I didn't want this separation, you know?"
"I know, I know. You told me already. I was hurt, Edward, but I shouldn't punish you for not feeling the same way."
He didn't say anything for a minute, staring into my eyes, making me feel self-conscious, "What? What are you looking at?"
"Bella, I...I...nothing. It's late. Charlie's probably worried about you."
"Yeah, 'cause so much can happen to me when I'm right next door to my own house," I quipped.
He crouched down to look under his bed, grabbing something and standing back up quickly, "Here."
My Bella bear.
"What the hell was she doing under your bed?"
"I can't have a fucking teddy bear on my bed, Bella. Emmett would have a field day with that."
"Why didn't you just keep her in the bag, then?"
He rolled his eyes and growled weakly at me, "I may have slept with her the other night."
I looked at Bella bear, "You slut."
He laughed, "Tell anyone that and I'll tell your little Jasper you made out with me tonight."
I scoffed, "Psh, you wish."
He didn't say anything again and it made me feel weird, so I thought it might be best to leave, "So, I'll talk to you tomorrow right?"
"Duh. We're friends again, right?"
I sighed, wondering if the pain of hearing him say we were friends would ever dull, "The best."
I went home that night feeling better than I had all weekend. I was going to try with Jasper, even if it took awhile, Edward and I were okay, not exactly what I had hoped for but okay, and I was actually feeling alright about myself.
Maybe things can work out after all.
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