Warnings: the sentence fragments...beware the sentence fragments...alcohol...and the OOCness. And the fact that this chapter was a bitch to write, but was necessary. Oh, and swearing. ^_^

Dedicated to: my beta reader, who basically co-wrote this chapter with me and upon reading the previous chapter went "Holy shit, Heero and Duo are a couple? That makes them so much hotter!" Will, I'll gift wrap Heero for you with a big bow and stick him under your tree. 'Course that could be another Christmas story all together.

Chapter 4

Of Alcohol and Threesomes

(but not really)

If Duo was a man who liked to go around tempting fate, he'd be inclined to say that the remainder of the day had worked out just fine. He was chilling out on a couch that was so plush it swallowed him up, and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to climb out. Heero was leaning back into his chest. There was a toasty fire blazing, with children playing at the hearth. Actually, the children had been in bed hours ago, which was what made the atmosphere even better, but he just wanted to say 'hearth' because it was a cozy word and that's how he was feeling. The Christmas tree was twinkling amidst the garland—so beautiful that it nearly distracted from the bright orange extension cord snaking all the way up to the top.

Duo wasn't a man who tempted fate. There had times in his life where he'd felt like fate had just blown a giant raspberry at him. However Duo wasn't in his right mind at the moment, and the liquor he'd consumed was making all kinds of naughty declarations on his behalf.

In fact, the only person in the room who seemed to be more inebriated than Duo, was Wufei. Poor Wufei, Duo had discovered, had been put in charge of the under-five kids for the day, and although he seemed to have come out with all (visible) limbs intact, he seemed to be making it his mission to become so astoundingly intoxicated that he wouldn't be able to baby-sit legally for the next two weeks.

Duo wasn't going to complain about this for two reasons, the first obvious one being that Wufei was going to complain enough in the morning to make up for it; the second being that he'd never seen Wufei touch any form of alcohol before, and he wasn't about to miss a second of the show. Wufei was providing them all with an... interesting rendition of 'Jingle Bells', in which no way resembled the actual Christmas carol except with the familiar—if not very off-key-- tune.

Quatre was also tipsier than normal, though to anyone who'd listen he'd claim he had only had one drink. That may be true in the sense that he'd never been given the chance to fully empty a whole glass of wine, because Trowa was filling it faster than Quatre could drain it. The fact that Quatre hadn't caught on to this was a testament to his own harrowing day, which he'd spent tracking down and stalking various nieces and nephews that weren't in Wufei's care. It had taken several glasses of wine (ONE!!) for Quatre to recount the distressing tale, and the only coherent point Duo was able to discern from his rambling story was they would be in charge of meal preparations from now on. He'd have to get the reason for that in the morning when Quatre was sober enough not to slur his words--and finish a complete thought.

The volume in the room increased as five of Quatre's sisters joined them, and Wufei started singing louder over top of their conversation. Heero reached up to loop his arms around Duo's neck. Duo mistook the gesture as a loving one and tightened his arms around Heero's waist, only to find Heero flipping them off the couch on to the floor. It hadn't been as elegant as Heero had planned, perhaps due to his own beverage selection, and although it solved the problem of how Duo was going to climb out of the couch, they were now in an uncomfortable heap of elbows, legs and bumped heads on the ground.

"What the hell didja do that for!" Duo groused as soon as he managed to extract his head from under the coffee table, glaring at Heero.

Heero had enough sense to look slightly sheepish. "Ladies get to sit," he gestured, not realizing that Duo's braid had become entangled in his fingers.

Duo's resultant swearing from nearly being scalped was fortunately drowned out by their yodeling, drunk comrade. Wufei had now moved on to a blasphemous version of 'Away in the Manger', which unfortunately did somewhat resemble the original lyrics of the song. Jesus got laid.

"Awww!" sister number one cried, flopping down on the couch. "Quatre, you could learn a thing or two from these boys."

Quatre gave a polite snort, and choked on his wine. Trowa patted him on the back, amused.

Sister number two joined sister number one on the couch, while sister number three joined Heero and Duo on the floor.

"Cala, I'm sure he's learned something from at least one boy here," sister number three smirked, looking pointedly at Trowa.

Now it was Duo's turn to snort as Quatre turned an odd mixture of red and purple. "You'd be right there."

"Duo!"

"Quatre!" Duo mimicked, earning an elbow in the side from Heero.

"Be nice."

"There isn't a nicer person in this house!"

"Or a more modest one apparently."

"Awww!" sister number one, Cala, cried again.

"Figures," Mona snorted. She would have been dubbed sister number four, had Duo not already met her and known her name.

"Oh shush, Mona," sister number two scoffed.

"You were saying exactly the same thing earlier, Adelah!" Mona snorted.

Duo looked back and forth between the two, then to Quatre who looked equally confused. Satisfied that he hadn't been meant to understand that particular exchange, he settled back into Heero's arms.

Or he would have, had there not been an arm in the way. He turned to find sister number five blinking back owlishly at him.

"Sabira!" Quatre yelled, a bit louder than necessary as Wufei had just completed 'Away in the Manger' and was in deep thought. "Hands off the braid!"

"Indoor voice, Quatre," Cala admonished slyly. Or was it Adelah...Duo had lost track.

Mona snorted. "You guys remember that time--"

"Oh yeah, and Sabira convinced Quatre--"

"Adelah helped--"

"It was Cala's idea--"

"And you told him--"

"Oh, his face was priceless--"

"So was yours, Mona--"

"I wish we had a picture--"

"Before or after--"

"Well after the hives, of course--"

"Before was funnier--"

"Fa la la la la!" That of course, was Wufei's contribution, apparently having selected the next carol to ruin.

"Iria was furious--"

"Yeah, you told her--"

"Indoor voice--"

"No, not when--"

"But at first--

"And candy--"

"Wasn't our brother supposed to be smart and—"

"Highly over rated--"

"Seriously, birth--"

"No!" Quatre had finally caught on and lunged for Mona, who was the closest to him. "You won't tell that story."

"What story?" Heero asked curiously.

"Mona..." Quatre growled. He was too busy glaring Mona down to see Trowa mouth to Heero 'I'll tell you later.'

Mona had also caught what Trowa said, and leaned back, smugly satisfied. Trowa topped up Quatre's glass again, and then his own.

Cala sighed dramatically for about the fifth time since she'd entered the room. "Awww....it's not fair."

"I know," Sabira agreed. She'd thankfully released Duo's braid but was still sitting uncomfortably close to him and Heero.

"What's not fair?" Duo looked around at the group, still completely and utterly confused.

Quatre coughed, having finally caught on. "You're married, Sabira."

"I'm not," Adelah snorted, staring pointedly at Duo. "All the good ones are gay, taken--"

"Or both," Mona finished.

Duo spluttered, even Heero was at a loss. Trowa looked bemused. Quatre came to the rescue. "Actually," he corrected, with a mischievous grin, "We have this friend, who is not gay--"

"As far as we know," Heero added dryly, catching on remarkably quickly. Duo looked up at him questionably, but Heero only winked.

"As far as we know," Quatre agreed, "and he's definitely not taken."

Duo looked to Wufei, who was laying in front of the fireplace, ignoring them for the entire conversation. "Quatre, you are evil."

"Yes, he is," Trowa agreed affectionately.

Mona gave a small snort.

They weren't given a chance to pursue that topic any further as the smoke detector went off. The wired-in smoke detector, that meant it sounded in every single room in the house, to make sure no one was in danger of sleeping through a fire.

That was when they smelt something burning. And Duo knew that once again, Fate had given him the equivilent of a wet willy, because he'd been foolish enough to expect a nice, normal, peaceful evening.

Thankfully it didn't take long to figure out where the burning smell was coming from. Wufei had passed out warming his feet in front of the fire. And the rubber soles of his slippers were smoldering.

The damage had already been done, however, even if there hadn't been an actual fire.

Because the children were awake....

"I don't know if I can take much more of this," Heero groaned, rolling over in the bed and nearly squashing Duo in the process. Through the fire alarm had been shut off several hours ago, did not mean the children could be silenced as easily, something that Heero had discovered from the moment he met 'It' and continued to be demonstrated at regular intervals.

Duo wiggled his way out from underneath, accidentally aiming an elbow at Heero's ribs. "I happened to be sleeping," he grumbled, wrapping himself more comfortably around Heero's body.

"Passed out, more like." Heero corrected wryly.

"Semantics," Duo slurred, waving a hand in the air.

Heero huffed. "I've heard quieter combat zones," he retorted.

"Good, go sleep in one," Duo mumbled sleepily, pulling the blanket up to his chin.

Heero pondered that for a moment. "That's actually not a bad idea."

"Huh?" At least that was what Duo would have said, but he'd already fallen asleep in the brief interlude. A snore filled in the silence.

"Are you coming?" Heero had the light on, and was throwing on a pair of sweats.

"No!" Duo groaned loudly, burying his head under the pillow away from the offending light.

"Fine." Heero snatched the comforter off the bed and wrapped it around his shoulders. "I'll be in the bay."

Duo moaned, but dragged himself into an upright position, swaying unsteadily on the bed. "Fine. But I'm not putting on pants."

The left the house and made their way down the trail, Duo grousing the entire way. He still hadn't woken up entirely, nor sobered up in the least and kept tripping over the duvet. That particular item had been swiped from Heero once he realized he'd been roaming the hallways of a house where the ratio of men to women was extremely low, and that said women didn't care an iota about their martial status when it came to being face to face with a naked ex-gundam pilot.

Or face to ...other body parts, either.

Only the emergency lights were on in the bay, illuminating the five Gundams. It was heated, it was clean, and best of all, it was quiet. The small office lay at the back of the room, and in it, lay the purpose of the mission--in the form of a futon.

Duo entered the dark room first tripping over something soft before he'd even made it over the threshold. Heero tripped over Duo, and would have managed to save himself had he not then stepped on whatever it was Duo had tripped over. Duo yelped as something whacked him in the stomach, the object groaned as Heero stepped on it, and then came three simultaneous yells as Heero walked into the edge of the futon and landed on two large lumpy objects.

There was a mad scramble, swears uttered in no less then twelve different languages (seven offered by Duo) several more painful thuds, and then, finally, a light was turned on. There was a long pause as Heero was momentarily blinded by the bright light. When his vision finally cleared, he found himself nose to nose with Quatre.

"Hi guys!" Quatre smiled guiltily at Heero. "Imagine seeing you here!"

"Heero, get off!" Trowa groaned, trying to push Heero's knee off his groin.

"Oh, I thought Duo was here?" Quatre pushed himself closer to Trowa to make room for Heero on the tiny futon.

Wufei, who was camped out on the floor at the foot of the futon in front of the doorway, pushed himself up on his elbow. "He is here."

"You okay, Duo?" Quatre peered over the edge of the futon.

"He's fine. He's sleeping already. Somehow..." Wufei glared up at the rest of them, his glare softened by the fact that he was seeing nine people on the futon and couldn't figure out which one to focus at. "Fine. I am not sleeping with Maxwell, he snores." He wrestled his blanket out of Duo's tight grip.

"That's H'ro snoring," Duo mumbled, wrenching the blanket back from Wufei and turning on his side.

"I do not sn--" Heero began as Trowa jabbed him with an elbow.

Wufei looked down disgustedly at Duo, who'd wrapped Wufei's blanket firmly around himself. Thankfully there was only one of him...and one was more than enough. With one smooth sweep he grabbed the duvet off the futon.

"Body heat is the best source of warmth," he said, stalking out of the room after tripping over Duo one last time.

"Don't think I'll be getting much of that," came Trowa's droll reply, as he eyed up the current sleeping arrangements which left Heero between him and Quatre.

"Wufei, where are you going?" Quatre tried to sound upset, but even he was starting to fall back to sleep.

"To sleep!"

"Where?"

"Bathtub," he growled.

A/N: Wow, this chapter ended up being a lot longer then I expected...don't get used to that! After agonizing over it I'm finally just posting it, cause i'm running out of time. Due to my self-imposed dead line of having this finished by x-mas (or New Years, at the very latest) some of the chapters are going to be very short, but more frequent. Thanks for reading anyways!

Reviewers:

Solitaire: You and I were obviously thinking along the same lines with the extension cords. ^_^ Thanks for your reviews!

StandingOnTheRooftops: LMAO, I wish I'd thought of that! I may even use it in the future, with your permission?

XOXO, Solemn Flight-Tormented Fae, and Snoopy: Thanks so much for all your reviews!

Who Else But the Best BFF Ever: yes you are the BFF ever. Thanks for all your help hun....on of these days I'll get then and than right. and 'that hissed thing'.

snowdragonct: Thanks for your review. Coincidently, I just realized I'm currently working my way through one of your epics, 'Boot Camp'. It's beyond amazing and I will be reviewing shortly.