Warnings: swearing, many references to male genitalia, generous use of sexual innuendos, and the possibility of destroying the appealing of certain foods, stereo type abuse, OCCness...is that not enough?
Thank you to StandingOnTheRooftops who's been feeding me personal experiences and allowing me to use them in this fic. Hope you enjoy this next chapter.
Chapter 5- Duo's Bad Morning
"Hhhhhhrrrrraaaggg!"
Duo had not had a good morning.
"Hhhrrrrraaggguuuuhhhh!"
In fact, if he were to be crass—and he could be exceptionally talented in that area should the fancy strike him-- he'd be inclined to say it it was a downright piss-poor, goddammed, sorry-fucking-excuse for a shitty morning.
And considering he was only thinking to himself, he would say just that, if only because he hadn't been allowed to cuss, swear or use any profane word rating stronger than 'geez' for nearly eighteen consecutive hours.
"Hhhrrrgghhh!!!"
It was a rare thing for a former Gundam pilot to complain of a bad day. When you've woken up in a cramped, coffin-like cockpit that is so cold that your balls have migrated to cuddle up with your tonsils, surrounded by enemy suits and with more blood outside your body than in it, to goes without saying that any following morning could constitute as a good one.
"Hhhhrrrraaaagggguuuhh!"
Duo Maxwell had not had a good morning.
Now, you may not care of the events constituting to Duo's bad morning, but to be frank, he didn't give a rat's ass.
It all started on a dark and stormy night. Well, it was actually morning, but since it was still dark, Duo didn't really bother to care much about semantics. Neither was it stormy, but that was also besides the point.
It wasn't due to the fact he'd woken up with a hangover. It wasn't due to the fact that he'd woken up because Wufei had a hangover-- though the retching echoing around the large bay left a lot to be desired.
"Rrrrraaahhhhhgg!"
It wasn't because he woken up to someone spooning him—normally that would have led to quite a successful morning if the spoon-er hadn't been Trowa. A quick glance over at the futon revealed why Trowa had relocated to the floor, and it had something to do with tiny Quatre sprawled across the entire futon. Further inspection revealed why Heero hadn't resigned himself to the floor also- it probably had a direct correlation to the fact that Quatre had him pinned against the wall with one leg firmly entwined with Heero's.
It wasn't due to the fact that every single working bathroom in the Winner Manor was occupied—with a waiting list that rivaled any five star restaurant-- though that particular fact did lead Duo to doubt how Quatre laid claim to the title of the group's most proficient strategist when he couldn't even plan his plumbing properly. Surely someone with his all his extensive training would know, that with twenty-nine sisters, a bare minimum of thirty-five bathrooms would be necessary. And that wasn't taking in to consideration the million odd children and spouses also inhabiting the mansion.
Thirty-five bathrooms. Not five.
No, the real reason for Duo's Very Bad Morning, was that he'd woken with morning wood. For a...healthy teenage boy like himself, morning wood was not a surprising occurrence, nor a rare one-- especially given that he usually went to bed and woke up beside the sexiest thing to ever walk on two legs. But when combined with everything else, it only provided one more problem to add to a long list of things worth bitching about.
Everything else was merely an aggravation meant to torture him, and prolong it. Trowa's warm body curled up against his had not helped matters. The fact he couldn't take a very cold shower was an annoyance. The fact that he couldn't even get enough privacy to -- er...sort matters out was more than downright irritating.
And by the time he made it into the kitchen to help the others make breakfast, he was starting to believe it was all an elaborate scheme by some higher power to make him suffer as long and as much as possible—especially when he was put in charge of cooking the sausages.
This is how he came to find himself in his current predicament. Hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, every pore oozing alcohol, surrounded by people, with a case of morning wood that was quickly progressing into a serious case of blue balls....cooking sausages. The irony of this did not escape Duo, however he could have done without the constant reminder of his predicament blatantly staring him in the face.
These weren't just any flimsy pork sausages either. These had come from the great Sausage God himself. Trust Quatre to stock the finest, plumpest, juiciest and largest sausages Duo had ever seen.
Had it not been for the constant presences of the other Gundam pilots making the breakfast with him, not to mention the steady stream of women through the kitchen doors bringing in empty dishes, Duo would have seriously considered ravishing the stove right then and there.
But instead he had to be content with glaring at the sausages in the frying pan, listening to Wufei groan about everything and anything, from the how the bathtub tap dripping on his head all night had given him a headache (giving a whole new meaning to Chinese Water Torture) to the heater in the kitchen making his skin itch. Apparently no one had ever told Wufei that drinking away your problems didn't really help unless you were going to make it a full time commitment.
"Duo, would you quit banging the sausages around," Wufei moaned, slumping forward over the table.
Duo suppressed a groan at Wufei's unfortunate choice of words, but stopped mashing the sausage with the spatula. He glared at the pan as the sausages swelled from the heat, popping as the pressure grew too much, and oozing fat into the pan. He moaned again.
Heero sidled up behind him, wrapping an arm around his waist. "You okay?"
Duo jumped, fat splashed onto his hand. "Peachy!" he snapped, fanning his hand in the air. The pain in his hand momentarily distracted him from the heat in his groin, and for a second he seriously considered sticking his entire hand into the frying pan. "I'm cooking sausages, and I have to listen to Wufei moaning like a--"
Heero swiftly clapped a hand over Duo's mouth. "I know both of you well enough to know you shouldn't finish that comment," he whispered.
Trowa shot them a bemused look. "Heero, you're too hard on him--" Duo snorted, his frown darkened and he muttered something unintelligible--"Wufei's being a knew better than to go all the way to the bottom of the bottle."
Duo gave Trowa a wary look. Trowa raised his eyebrows innocently and, confirming Duo's suspicions that he'd caught onto Duo's little morning problem, said "Duo, if you aren't careful, those sausages are going to be as hard as wood. Wouldn't that...suck..."
Another moan threatened to slip out with the mention of several choice words—Heero's arms still firmly around his waist wasn't helping matters. God, if that hand just went a little bit lower..."Interesting choice of words, Tro," Duo choked out, quickly turning his attention back to the sausages.
"Oh, I believe in getting straight to the point. No use leaving things up in the air." Duo gave him credit, he said it with a straight face too.
Duo fumed into the sausages for several minutes, about the sheer unfairness that they were getting more action than he was. The kitchen fell into silence again, aside from the occasional groan courtesy of Wufei. Heero was still obviously trying to figure out what had passed between his two friends as he glared into the pancake batter he was mixing.
Satisfied that the sausages, at least, were finished, Duo removed the pan from the head, filled the plate, and disappeared into the dining room. He returned just in time to hear the tail end of an argument between Heero and Wufei. Deciding he'd been through enough torture for the day, and determined not to sit through a heated debate on the ethical ramifications of the sacrilegious Christmas carols from the night before, he turned to Quatre, saying louder than necessary, "Quatre, don't the Maganacs usually do this kind of thing?"
"Oh yes, well, they needed a Christmas holiday too," Quatre stuttered, and suddenly became very busy as he bustled around the kitchen in a particularly dizzying frenzy.
Heero, curious, looked at him suspiciously. "You mean to say they actually celebrate Christmas?"
Trowa patiently pulled the frying pan back out the cupboard from where Quatre had stored it, fried eggs and all, and placed it back on the stove to finish cooking. "What he means to say, is they volunteered to help out last year."
"And?"
"And in September he gained five more nieces and two nephews," Trowa replied dryly.
Heero and Duo both snorted. Wufei took a little longer to clue in, he was too busy nursing his pounding head in his hands, his debate with Heero obviously sapping the little energy he had that morning. Either way, he didn't care. As far as he was concerned, seven more children didn't matter when you already had enough relatives to invade China.
"Okay, Sophia, Daniel and....Ana are all oatmeal with soy milk, right?" Duo looked down at the bowls of cereal in front of him that Heero'd just prepared. He was determined to steer from the conversation away from sexual references, sexual innuendos, or any mentions of other people getting sex.
"No, Sophia isn't lactose intolerant, she's diabetic," Heero replied, not looking sure as he sounded. "I gave her regular milk yesterday."
"Oh," replied Trowa, "that would be she spent yesterday in the bathroom with dia--"
"DON'T remind me," Wufei groaned, clutching his stomach with one hand and the other secured over his mouth.
"So Sophia gets soy milk," Duo tried again.
"Duo, are you sure those are the soy ones?" Trowa peered into the bowls of cereal, and leaned in to sniff one.
"Why?"
"What are these ones here?" Quatre contributed helpfully, gesturing to three bowls sitting beside the fridge.
"Aren't they the sugar free?"
"No, I have those ones."
"These are definitely soy," Trowa announced. He had the soy milk jug in his hands and had compared the scents.
"Excellent!" Duo grabbed the bowls, and swooped out the kitchen before anyone could change their minds again.
"So, why exactly are we on kitchen duty all week, Quatre?" Heero asked absently, carefully measuring and spooning formula into six baby bottles in front of him.
"I'd like to know that myself," Duo snorted, returning to the kitchen. From behind the dining room door came a loud crash, followed by an 'Oops!'.
Quatre bristled, and counted to himself silently.
"Quat?"
"I thought I told you last night," Quatre replied, a little peevishly.
"Uh, yeah, I certainly think you tried," Duo laughed. "But between the 'thilverwars', which I still haven't deciphered, the exploding underwear, and something about microwaves racing around the kitchen, your explanation got kind of...lost."
"You had quite a lot of wine, love," Trowa added, with a knowing twinkle in his eye.
"I had one glass," Quatre insisted.
"Yeah, and I'm Santa Claus," Duo snorted, rolling his eyes.
"Oh! Thanks for mentioning that!" Quatre exclaimed, perking up. "I need you, Trowa and Heero to do me a favor, Duo."
Duo was instantly on his guard. With the morning he was having, those were very dangerous words."Is this the kind of favor that we have a choice in committing to?"
"No." Trowa answered at once for Quatre.
"Why can't Wufei go?"
"You don't even know what the favor is," Trowa replied at the same time as Quatre said, "I have another job for Wufei."
Duo pondered this briefly. Heero sidled up to him and whispered, "How bad can it be?"
Duo was torn between wanting to slap himself on the forehead and slapping Heero, because however innocent the favor had been, Heero had now jinxed it.
Trowa rolled his eyes. "We are going to take the kids to see Santa. And we actually have to go...now."
Duo choked. "Santa? Now? Why the hell are you on his side, Trowa? Why didn't you put up a fight?"
"Because it means Quatre owes me a favor. Naturally..." he smirked.
Duo closed his eyes and groaned. "I'm sorry I asked."
"I think I'm going to be sick," Wufei moaned.
"Me too, " Duo sighed.
"No, I think I am going to be sick." He lurched over to the cupboard and promptly threw up.
"Well at least he made it to the garbage can, "Duo said sheepishly.
Quatre closed his eyes, not even having the energy to sigh. "That wasn't the garbage can."
Wufei stopped retching, and clapped a hand securely over his mouth, running off to- presumably- find a bathroom. That seemed to be the cue that was needed for everyone else to leave the safety of the kitchen and rejoin the fray. Quatre threw the remaining dirty pots and pans in the sink and disappeared with mentions of going to town also to do some last minute grocery shopping.
Heero and Trowa headed towards the living room, where apparently the kids had been congregating after breakfast to put on toques, mittens and jackets in preparation of seeing Santa. Duo tried to slip off to see if he could finally find a free bathroom, because he would be damned if he was going to see Santa with a group of kids with a boner in his jeans. Before he could even put one foot on the staircase however, Heero turned and spotted him.
"We have to go now, Duo."
"Yeah, I just--" He looked forlornly up the stairs.
"Duo, are you coming?" Trowa smirked, and gave him a knowing wink.
"God, I wish..." Duo moaned.
A/N: Mmm, I don't like the pacing of this chapter, and when I don't feel so constricted for time I'm going to come back and fix it. However, I suppose Christmas is in less then four days now... Do you guys mind if thing goes on longer then Christmas?
Just to clear up a few things, several reviewers have asked who the nine people on the futon were in the last chapter—that'd be Wufei seeing triple of Heero, Quatre and Trowa. I'll get on to fixing that and see if I can clarify it a bit better. Also, someone pointed out to me that Quatre is Muslim, so this fic must be very AU—I don't know if it's ever been officially stated that Quatre is Muslim (feel free to correct me on that, I'd truly like to know), however I know the chances of all these people being Christian and celebrating Christmas is slim, seeing as Wufei is Chinese, Heero is Japanese etc. etc. This is just a fun fic that is not meant to be taken seriously whatsoever, with them celebrating Christmas together (whether they like it or not.) ^_^
Next chapter? Obviously it's going to be about seeing Santa!