Part Ten: Who I May Be

I know who I am and who I may be, if I choose.
~Miguel de Cervantes

Sam watched Colonel O'Neill with growing concern as he brought load after load of groceries into the kitchen and put them on the counter. When he started putting things into the refrigerator, she stepped up. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Like what?"

"Oh, I don't know, my child?" The last word contained not a hint of amusement, but Jack looked up at her with a smile on his face.

"Nope."

"Not funny. Where is she?"

"She's with Janet for a few hours. Cassie's thrilled."

"I… okay… why?" She was a bit annoyed that the colonel had handed off her daughter without asking, but more puzzled.

"'Cause I wanted to talk to you about something."

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"Yeah." He stared at her intently for a moment, then went back to putting the groceries away.

The smile on her face grew until she couldn't hold back a chuckle, regardless of the ache in her stomach, and he shot her a dirty look. "What?"

"Sir… you went to the trouble to find a sitter – without telling me you were sending my daughter off somewhere, mind you – and tell me it's because you want to talk…. You did the whole action part without a problem, and you got to the talking part and chickened out."

"I did not."

"Did, too."

"Did not."

"Then what did you want to talk to me about?"

"I…" He ran a hand anxiously through his hair. "Dammit, Carter!"

She grinned. "That's what I thought. It's okay, sir, whatever it is. If you don't mind, I'm gonna use the peace and quiet to grab a nap."

She was halfway to the stairs when he caught up with her. "Carter, wait. I-"

As soon as she turned to look at him, he clammed up again, and she shook her head, smiling. "Is it better if I don't look at you? Is it the eye contact?" she teased.

Giving a small growl, he put one hand on either side of her head and shook her gently. "Would you stop?"

"I'm sorry, sir," she said, but the grin just wouldn't quit, and he knew she didn't mean it.

"Come on, Carter. I'm tryin' to pour my heart out, here, and you're making fun of me."

Her expression quickly sobered. "Um… what?" she asked, certain she'd misheard him.

"Look, Carter, I know you haven't had the easiest time of it lately." He rubbed the back of his neck in anxiety. "And there's been a lot of times that I've seen you going through something and you've had to battle it out yourself, and… and I hate that. Every time." He cleared his throat, staring at the floor. "And it hurts a little to admit that it took my ex-wife to tell me that this is not one of those things. You don't have to do this alone."

"I know that," she reassured him, smiling gently. "And I know that I haven't exactly made it easy on all of you… but I do appreciate the help, sir."

"Is that all?"

He was prying, looking for something, but she didn't know what. "I don't follow, sir."

"Right. What I'm saying is… that it's not just you."

She stared at him, uncomprehending.

"That you're not… alone," he pressed.

She shook her head with an apologetic look.

"Look… I fell head over heels for that little girl the moment I saw her. No – way before that," he admitted. "And I know it's crazy, but I want her to have everything. Everything. You following me yet?"

She had a sneaking suspicion that was making her chest grow tight, but she wasn't willing to voice it yet. "Uh, in the interest of not embarrassing myself, sir… I'm gonna stick with 'no' and let you explain," she murmured.

"We could be a family, Carter."

His second sucked in a deep breath, her eyes widening, and he pushed on before she could say anything. "She could have anything. The white picket fence and the dog and – okay, you're a cat person, but still – and a real, whole family. I know this was never how you planned it, but she'd never have to know anything different."

Her eyes slipped closed, and she turned away from him. "Stop."

"You wouldn't even have to give up SG-1. I mean, I'm way past retirement anyway, and-

"Sir, please, stop."

It was his turn to suck in a breath. "Okay."

Hugging herself tightly, Sam wandered away from him, stopping wordlessly in front of a window. It was dark outside, and he could see the trouble on her face in the reflection. Had he really just stuck himself out there to get shot down? He wasn't sure how to recover from that – if he could recover from that. "Say something." He hoped it didn't sound like he was begging, but he desperately needed her to say yes.

"Sir… I appreciate… the sentiment. More than you know," she said softly. "And you're right – this wasn't how it was supposed to go at all. It's all out of order and screwed up. But I still… Call me naïve, but I still think marriage should mean something. It's not supposed to be for convenience. Even as messed up as all of this is… Somewhere out there there's someone who wants to marry me because they love me."

Jack couldn't help himself at that, and he started to laugh. Hard. Carter spun on him angrily, tears in her eyes. "What the hell is so funny?" she demanded.

"I'm sorry," he said, trying to bring himself under control. "I'm sorry. I'm an idiot."

Staring at the ceiling, Sam blinked quickly, trying desperately to stem the tears. "I'm going to Janet's. And we're just gonna forget this ever happened, okay?"

"No." She tried to get past him, but he caught her with a gentle arm around her waist. "See, this is what happens when I try to talk something out. I screw it all up." When she turned away, he wrapped both arms solidly around her from behind, preventing her escape. "I might have forgotten to say the most important part of all this," he murmured, his mouth brushing the back of her neck, "but only because I thought you knew."

She went deathly still in his arms at those words, hardly daring even to breathe.

"Carter," he whispered, pressing a soft kiss to the skin just beneath her ear, "I love you. I'm in love with you."

"Sir," she whispered back after a long, tense silence, "I'm still really hormonal, and if you're messing with me, I'll have to kill you."

This time, his chuckle melted through her back, and her tension eased. She let her head fall away, and he eagerly took advantage of the access that provided him, gently caressing the side of her neck with his lips.

Eventually, she turned to face him, and he smiled, tenderly brushing the tracks of tears from her face with his thumbs before resting his forehead against hers. "You okay?"

"You mean it?"

"The 'I love you' part? Yeah, I mean it. C'mere." He shifted his hands, one settling on her lower back while the other tugged at the back of her neck, pulling her face to his. Their lips met tenderly, tasting, exploring, and when the kiss ended, neither stepped away.

"Wow," she breathed.

"I know; I'm great."

She just grinned and shook her head.

~/~

It was late that night when Jack got the baby to bed and knocked softly on Sam's door. "Yeah?" she called.

He stuck his head in, saw her under the blankets, and stepped inside with a smile. "I was about to go to bed. She's down."

"Thank you, sir," she said with a smile.

His eyebrow met his hairline in a move Teal'c would have been proud of. "Sir?"

"Sorry. Habit."

Nodding, he took a seat on the edge of the bed. "But we're good, right?"

The question surprised her, but she smiled. "Yeah."

"Good." Before she could react, he yanked back the covers and hopped into bed next to her. "Then it's settled."

"I – uh – wha-" Realizing that he had just pulled a classic O'Neill, she stopped protesting and just shook her head.

"Excellent." He snaked an arm under her waist and pulled her gently into him, pressing his lips to the back of her neck. "Night."

Her eyes flew wide in confusion – goodnight? – but she didn't protest. And his arms were warm, gentle, softly stroking the inside of her shoulder, and in minutes, she was asleep.