Jake

'I don't know what's going on with you, Craig.' I hear John Paul's raised voice when I approach the door their bedroom. I know I should stay in living room like John Paul said, but I need to explain myself.

'Nothing. I just...I missed him so badly and now he doesn't want to spend with me even five minutes. He's still sitting in this fucking bedroom and God knows what is he doing there!' Craig says angrily. 'I'm doing everything to make him feel good here, I want to take him somewhere, but he prefers spend this time with you.' I didn't know, Craig. I'm so sorry, I didn't want to push you away from me. I just...I'm not ready. Not yet.

I want to run away and stop making troubles around. Everybody hates me, looking at me like I've been some kind of bug, pointing at me their fingers, calling me "psycho" behind my back when they think I don't hear them. Even my brother can't stand me. I'm a monster, I'm ruining everything what I touch. I don't deserve to be here.

I jump terrified when the door from their bedroom suddenly opens and I stand face to face with John Paul. He's looking at me shocked with open mouth, and I'm feeling like the last bastard. What he thinks about me now?! I shouldn't coming here. I shouldn't hear their conversation. I shouldn't...have been born. What I can do or say now? God, this is so embarrassing.

'Jake...' I can't look into his eyes. I feel so ashamed. I don't know what to do. Should I apologize? But what it change? I still be the same bastard who overhearing their private conversation, locking up in the bedroom for all days and running like the last coward from the troubles. Who normal behaves like that?!

I should stay in hospital. It's the only place for me. Away from family and friends whose I'm hurting every day...away from myself. I even can't look into mirror, cause only what I see it's a man with a dark hair and pale face. I see someone who looks like me and moving like me, but he's not me. And even if I'm trying I can't find myself. I lost myself for good.

I want to scream, but like always I can't. I don't have a courage to doing this anymore, to show all world what Jake Dean thinks...My soul, thought, heart, everything is different, foreign. I even can't recognize my voice.

I'm a stranger.

And I even don't know what to do to stop being him. Where to search, from what start. There is so many questions and any answers. I feel lost.

'Jake, I'll explain you everything.' I lift my head and look straight into Craig's chocolate eyes, when I heard his shaking voice. I don't understand... Why your eyes are full of tears? It's me who screw up everything! Why are you blaming himself for my mistakes? It's me who should cry now and on the knees asking you for forgiveness...Why are you crying? I don't understand. 'I didn't want to say it.' Please, stop it. I don't like when you're crying. Everything is my fault. Forgive me.

'Jake.' John Paul whispers softly, his azure eyes staring at me with understanding and care. I don't know how to react when he lift his hand and his delicately, warm fingers touch my cheek, smearing something wet on it...Is it teardrop? Am I crying? 'You're with family, Jake. Everything is okay.' He says quietly, trying to calm me down. I notice fear in Craig's eyes, I feel his hand on mine when he squeezes it gently, giving me a strength. In spite of myself I sob quietly and entwine my arms around Craig's body when he takes me in his arms, gently stroking my back.

I have a panic attack.

And I even didn't notice it. I feel so unreal...Where am I, Craig? Where is my soul? Where I lost it? Please, help me. I don't know who I am anymore.

'Do you wanna rest, Jake?' He asks me gently, still holding me firmly in the arms. It must looks quite funny. I'm higher than him, and stronger and be his older brother, who should doing this now...But it's him who holds me, who calms me down and giving me a comfort, not me. World change so much, when I wasn't a part of it? It's ridiculous.

'No. Show me Dublin, Craig.' I say quietly. 'Show me what you loves there so much, that you feel here like at home...I want to feel the same.' He releases me from the embrace, his eyes shining so bright with happiness. 'Show me now.'

'I'll show you.' He promises and wipes the remnants of warm tears from my face. 'John Paul, are you coming with us?'

'No, I'll need to phone to Michaela.' John Paul replies and hands Craig a jacket. 'She doesn't know with which bus she'll get to West Lynch.' He rolls his eyes.

'She didn't check yet?!' Craig cries angrily, with disbelieving describe on his face. 'John Paul, we're going to West Lynch for fucking two days! For what she's waiting?!'

'You know Michaela. She's doing everything for the last minute.

'Better for her if she do this tonight.' He snarls and gives me a jacket from the hanger. John Paul mumbles something under the breath and winks to me.

'Good fun, boys! And don't worry Craig. Michaela is my trouble.' And I believe him. Seeing how he superintends Craig, he's really good in this and his sister doesn't has too much chance with him.

'Are you ready, Jake?' Craig asks me with a gently smile.

'Yes.' No. But I need to do something with this emptiness. To feel alive again, and maybe find myself between people walking around all Dublin.