I've been watching Marlene and Skipper for weeks now and it's clear there's something there. Could it be love? At times I think so but then I remember my previous experiences with 'love' and I'm not so sure.

First there was Doris… beautiful, elegant, completely out of my league but oh! How I wanted her to like me! If she'd only smiled at me or something! It was utterly gut-wrenching to realise she didn't even recognise my existence. I think I'd have preferred it if she'd hated me… at least then I'd have been worth noticing.

Which leads me to my second love… ferocious, deadly and ultimately doomed. Officer X's vehicle was like a promise of self respect. I could imagine myself with that car drawing looks from all who saw us. Being noticed… admired even…

The way I see Marlene look at Skipper. She always notices him. Even when we're on a mission and don't stop or anything… I see her watch him.

And I know Skipper thinks about Marlene. He clearly thinks she's something special. Why else would he agree to her joining the team that day Rico was ill?

Love – a chemical reaction in the brain inducing bliss. If it's a chemical reaction then it stands to reason I should be able to isolate it's components. If I can do that… I could find my ideal partner. Someone who'd think I was special… even if I'm not.

I've caused nothing but trouble for the team recently. Just trying to fix the heating nearly resulted in the whole zoo going sky high. I think I might have died of shame when Skipper had to recruit the lemurs to put things right. Then I was completely out of my depth when Skipper was taken over by some kind of groove bug. I should have been able to find an antidote… even if we'd have struggled administering it to Skipper… I couldn't even find an explanation.

And I shudder to remember how badly I let Skipper down when he broke his wing. "Never swim alone". That's our credo. I should have tried harder to restore Skipper… or at least trusted him when he said so. Not tackle him off a roof and end up breaking every team members' wing.

I've tried to restore myself in the team's eyes. I volunteered to assess the grey blob in the zoo… but then I shamefully hid behind Skipper when the Stingers appeared. Even my effort to scientifically create a way to neutralise their effects ended disastrously. Skipper's since classified all reference to Julien's feet.

But all that pales into insignificance besides my most recent and humiliating mistake. I believed… and led others to believe… that Skipper was a girl. How he could ever forgive me I don't know. Perhaps he never will.

I could continue my list of mistakes and errors in judgement but the bottom line is, I can't trust my own deductions. Especially with matters of a romantic nature. No wonder Skipper wanted Private's advice rather than mine with the chimps. Even Rico has a better grasp of love than I have.

But… if it is a chemical reaction, then it is scientific. Science doesn't rely on guesswork and intuition. A squared equals B squared plus C squared. If I can prove I can still utilise scientific principles then I'm not completely useless. My inability to understand emotions… and feelings… will be compensated.

And maybe the machine will even show I'm not completely hopeless and that I have correctly identified the cause behind Skipper and Marlene's interaction.

***

Skipper agreed to try the machine on Marlene. Perhaps as a show of pity for me after my recent failures. However it looked like this would be just such another failure. My heart sank when I saw the indicator say her perfect match was outside the zoo. But then I remembered… this machine is based on solid scientific principles. My belief that Skipper was the object of her desires was based on my own intuition alone and therefore was fatally flawed.

I'd have felt bad for Skipper if I'd had any evidence… apart from my own instinct… that he truly liked Marlene. Happily it seems I was wrong on both counts. Surely if he'd had feelings for her he'd have shown signs of heartbreak rather than leading the mission to find her intended? And science has now shown where her heart lies.

Strangely, it seems she's destined to find love with Fred the squirrel. I must confess I felt my confidence ebb when faced with the somewhat… slow mammal. However, as Private astutely pointed out, 'Opposites Attract'. And he's a penguin who understands emotions.

However, the whole experiment was nearly ruined by Marlene's somewhat stubborn nature. I had to beg her to give him a chance. Obviously I couldn't explain fully that my entire reputation hangs on this experiment but I pleaded sufficiently for her to agree. It helped that I developed a strange sniffle and my eyes welled up… coincidently as I was considering the possibility of another failure… and she may have assumed I was going to break down in some distinctly un-manly way.

No matter how she was convinced, it quickly became clear that despite all outward appearances and expectations, Fred and Marlene actually did hit it off. She even said he was 'cute'.

When we left the love birds alone, I seriously believed my reputation was saved. The machine works. I can still rely on science! Typically though, as I went to check up on the progress (as Skipper had been instructing us to do regularly) I found the insufferable lemurs had disturbed everything! Their 'king' had stolen Marlene's boyfriend.

There was a benefit to their interference that I quickly realised though. Now Marlene had come to us, we were getting first hand reports of how her date was going. First point – she called him her boyfriend. Second point – she'd given him a cute nickname… though strangely Skipper didn't seem to approve. Probably because he's always allocated us names as a reward for service. And thirdly – we'd get to witness their touching reunion after a traumatic separation.

And in the end that was all we were required for… witnesses. As an unexpected bonus we also saw first hand that there is somebody worse with women than me… King Julien. Even I know not to use the word 'unflattering' to a female.

So it's all ended happily. Marlene's reunited with her true love… and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can totally rely on science to solve any problem I might face.

***

I am handing in my resignation. The experiment was a total failure! Marlene hates Fred! But it was scientifically proven! If I don't have science… I don't have any value to this team… they'd be better off without me. I'm going to tell Skipper as soon as I can bring myself to face anyone ever again.