A/N: I really liked this chapter. The story was getting a little too serious, so I threw in some humor. Hope you like it too!

Chapter 31: Confrontations

The Headmaster stared at me in shock.

"What, you think I wouldn't have figured it out?" I righted my chair and sat, making myself comfortable. "After all that reading I did on Horcruxes, how could I not? I noticed that curse on your hand. It's not visible now – you keep it hidden so no one will see and ask questions – but I saw it that day there was an attack on Hogsmead. You helped Rein up and shook her hand, and that's when I saw it. I didn't pay much attention to it then, but after reading Volta de Morte, I remembered and realized that a wound like that could only be made by trying – and failing – to destroy a Horcrux."

The twinkle was gone from his eyes now. "You're pretty clever, for a Potter. And here I was thinking that it was just that Granger girl carrying you through your classes. Under any other circumstances, I'd be proud. Fawkes!"

"You really want to do that? Call him here, where I can dispose of him?"

Dumbledore smiled at me. "I have others. And I can always make a new one, if need be."

"Others? You mean like the Sword of Gryffindor?" I chuckled, amused. "That one has already been taken care of, albeit I didn't realize I'd done it at the time."

"Really?" He popped a sweet into his mouth. "What leads you to believe that?"

"Oh nothing… I just used it to kill a basilisk, and accidentally impregnated it with poisonous venom."

Dumbledore blanched. "A… basilisk?"

"In second year -- Surely you remember? The monster in the Chamber was a basilisk. I saved Ginny Weasley from it."

"And that's what you plan on doing to Fawkes? It won't work, you know. His body can neutralize poison, you realize?"

"Who said anything about using basilisk venom? It won't kill Fawkes, only cause him to rebirth. I'm not stupid, you know."

He only inclined his head, and we sat in a tense silence for a few moments.

"I'm not removing the portrait." I said after a while.

"Yes you will." He said it so matter of factly that it almost seemed as if I'd agreed with him without realizing it.

"I highly doubt that." I brushed some imaginary lint off my uniform shirt. "Tell me the truth about something. Did you set up my parents?"

Silence.

"Should I take that as a yes?"

He sighed. "It was for the greater good."

"Uh huh. So… you set my parents up--"

"You were the better candidate--"

"Let Sirius be carted off to jail--"

"He wasn't in a fit state to raise a child--"

"And placed me with the Dursleys--"

"Your only living relatives--"

"Who were highly abusive--"

"I didn't--"

"In direct violation of my parent's will."

He sighed, but remained quiet.

"I see you have nothing to say to that."

After several moments, he finally met my eyes. "It was necessary to preserve the greater good."

I rolled my eyes. "Uh huh, sure it was. And me being raised by an aunt and uncle who abhor magic and everything to do with it factored into your plan how?"

"I knew Tom wasn't dead, and you would have been no use to me – to the cause – if you had turned out like Mr. Malfoy had."

"So instead you let me be abused, and on good days, neglected? You do realize that you've only encouraged me to turn out like Voldemort? Or at the very best, Snape?"

"Snape is on my side. The Light's side, Harry." He said, petting that damnable bird.

"Snape is on no one's side but his own." I said, standing. "And it's Mr. Potter to you."

"Put that portrait back where you got it, or I'll dispose of it permanently."

"Sure you will." I turned at the door to face him. "Keep your pet close, old man." I said, indicating Fawkes.

"Don't force me to make good on my threat, Mr. Potter."

I smirked. "Don't make me make good on mine." I said, taking my leave.

Xxx

That night, a strange noise woke me from my sleep. I laid awake, listening to the breathing pattern of someone who was not one of my roommates. A scuffling sound told me that whoever it was trying to remove my family portrait from the wall. I smiled.

"I know you're there, Headmaster. It won't work. Why don't you just go back to your office and suck on your lemon drops?"

"You can't keep this here, Harry."

"It's Mr. Potter to you, and yes I can – I've already cleared it with McGonagall and the Board."

"I can veto them. My word is law."

I snorted. "Tell that to Lucius Malfoy."

He was quiet, and the silence was broken only by Neville's snores and the occasional grunt as Dumbledore repeatedly tried (and failed) to remove the portrait.

"What did you use to put this up?" The old coot asked angrily.

"Shh... you'll wake up Ronald." I whispered, mocking him.

"Tell me what spell you used!"

"Who said I used a spell? I could have used a potion…"

"You impertinent--"

"You're one to talk. Don't you have something better to do than sneak around my dorm in the dead of night like some dirty old pervert? It's really disconcerting."

"You tell me what you used to put this up, or I'll take a hundred points from Gryffindor!"

"Go ahead; give me another reason to complain to the Board of Governors. At this rate, you'll be out by Halloween."

He growled angrily. I smiled to myself in the dark.

"I'm not telling you what I used to stick the portrait to the wall, so you might as well go back to you office, and order yourself some more lemon drops."

"One hundred points from Gryffindor it is."

"What is it with you and those lemon drops anyway? You're always sucking on them--" he sputtered indignantly "—and offering them to others to suck on. You know what I think? I think you just want to watch people suck on the damned things. I'll bet everything you suck on one, you're imagining it's your old lover's cock. Don't you? You're fantasizing that you're sucking off old Grindewauld."

"I never!"

"And when you see other people sucking on them, you imagine that they're sucking off you. Mmm, hmm. I know how you are. Wait 'til Rita Skeeter gets wind of that little tidbit of information. I can see the front-page headlines now: "Albus Dumbledore Fantasizing About Former Dark Lord! Using Lemon Drops and Minors to Aid His Fantasies!"

"You… you…!"

"Why don't you just leave? I'll keep on like this if you stick around."

He drew in one labored breath after another, as though he was trying to control his temper.

"You know, now that I think of it, that headline really isn't her style. She'd say something more like "Boy-Who-Lived Accosted by Headmaster in Gryffindor Tower! Dumbledore Arrested for Sexual Misconduct!" What do you think?"

The only answer was footsteps crossing the floor and the door closing quietly. I smiled in satisfaction.

"Harry Potter – one; Albus Dumbledore – zero."