A/N: Hey everybody!! I gotta really funny chapter planned (and written) for yall, so sit tight for the ride and enjoy, ya hear?! Hurry up, Ling, do the disclaimer!
Ling: Siyui doesn't own FMA!! But she does own….
Siyui: A White Chocolate Mocha!!! And that's all I need, people!!! At 3:00am, I still got energy!!! Now READ!!!
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Lesson 4: Ramen is a Dish best served on one's head.
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"I told you, it's your fault that we have to go back to Rush Valley!" I scowled, sticking my tongue out at Ed.
"No, you should have been more prepared and known that I get scared easily." Ed twitched, clenching his fist.
"It's your fault and you know it!! You go and tell Winry you were the one that broke it!" We were on the train, about half way to Rush Valley, and I wanted some food, but I didn't say that of course, mainly because I am more high-level than that.
"I want some food…" I spurt out randomly, standing up. Guess I did say it… Anyway, I started to walk out the cabin room, but was once again immobilized by Ed.
"Where do you think your going?"
"Foooooooooood…" I wailed slowly, drawing out the 'oo' for awhile. Ed rolled his eyes before pushing me back into the chair.
"I'll go and get it. Al, watch her, okay?" Al, who was setting quietly, nodded.
"Okay Brother." I sighed vividly, latching onto Ed's arm.
"Can I go tooooooo? Pleaseeeeeeee?" I wailed again as Ed shook his arm for me to get off. "You're just gonna sit there and eat for hours, then bring me something years later, after I've withered away into dust…." I finished dramatically, my arms hanging down. But then I turned to Al.
"Not that I don't wanna stay with you, Al! I am just very hungry…" Ed rolled his eyes, half way out the door already.
"Fine." He muttered, "I have to ask you something anyway…" I waved bye to Al, closing the door.
___________________
"So," I asked in mid-bite, "Whaddaya want to ask me?" Ed, who wasn't really eating, and just staring at his food, looked up at me.
"Did you find out anything about the Homunculi?"
"They're enemies of my cat."
"What?"
"Nothing…" I swallowed my food, "Well, there is four of them. That I know of, anyway…"
"Anything else?"
"Envy has anger-management problems that could probably be fixed with therapy."
"Okay."
"Oh, and one of them sexually harassed me." I said calmly. Ed's eye twitched as he spat out his drink, all over the poor floor.
"WHAT?"
"…His name was Greed, I think. Oh, and my cat hates him. A lot." I said as I nodded, agreeing with myself.
His eye twitching, he levelly asked, "That it?" I nodded again.
"Yeppers." Ed scowled.
"Do you… know why they kidnapped you?"
"I haven't the slightest idea." Ed frowned, probably because of my lack of knowledge about the things he wants to know.
"Did they…" He looked like he was contemplating whether or not to say something. "…hurt you?" I blinked, tilting my head to the side.
"Didn't you already ask that? I told you I was fine. A broken rib, or maybe two… But that's it, 'kay?" Ed nodded, rubbing his chin in thought.
"If you say so…"
"I did say so. Weren't you listening?" He rolled his eyes at me as the train's whistle blew, signaling our arrival in Rush Valley.
"Come on," He said, "We have to go get Al."
"I'm already here." I blinked, pointing a finger at Al, who was standing cheerfully behind me.
"…How I didn't hear you come from behind me when you're a giant hunk of metal, I'll never know…"
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It was easy to see that Ed really didn't want to have to go and see Winry. It was so obvious that his antenna was twitching and he was messing with the side trim of his coat.
So, being the kind friend I am, I offered him so hope.
"… Don't worry Ed. She won't kill you completely! Probably only just a little!" Then I realized that I only made it worse when Ed hung his head down and his chin hit his chest. "Eh… Sorry?"
We arrived at Garfiel's on moments later, as I saw Ed put on his "I'm royally screwed face" when Winry walked out.
"Hey guys… Shiri!" We both grinned, running up and giving each other a hug. "It's been awhile!"
"I know right?" Trying to by Ed some time before his death, I continued the conversation. "We gotta have a girl's night out sometime, ya know?" We kept talking for quite a few minutes, until Winry brought her attention back to Ed and Al.
Ed, rubbing the back of his head, asked sheepishly, "Lovely day isn't it?"
Not even skipping a beat, she asked, "So… What brings you guys here?" And that's when he showed her the broken automail…
Warning: Extreme Edward Elric Abuse was in the next couple of paragraphs; so extensive that it must be censored, for this is a T-rated fic.
After Al and I watched Ed be maimed by a wrench and Winry bandage up his automail until she could get the new parts, we all walked around the great city of Rush Valley.
Then Al and I saw something in an alley…
SWITCH TO THRID PERSON!!!
"Al, Shiri?" Ed turned around, wondering where his comrades left to suddenly.
"Brother…" Ed saw them huddled into an alley, looking at something. Ed raised an eyebrow, sipping his soda before walking over.
"What is it? You guys act as if you found another lost cat…" Shiri laughed sheepishly.
"Kinda…" Al lifted to show his brother… some random guy. Ed spit out his drink and Shiri looked at Ed.
"Can we keep it…?" She asked sweetly, puppy dog eyes ablaze. Ed twitched.
"Don't act like he's some kind of puppy!" Ed yelled. "Put it back where you found it!" Now, the force of Shiri and Al's puppy dog eyes were upon him (how Al could make a puppy dog face and be a suit of armor, the world my never know…)
(I realize, I have a lot of guts to type funnier stuff today… hey, there's even an extra story at the bottom, so read the WHOLE thing!!)
Now, there were reasons Edward Elric didn't like foreigners.
And the guy sitting in front of him was a magnificent example.
"I'm alive! You guys saved my life! Thanks!" The random guy that we, the readers know but the characters don't know, who we shall address RGTRKBTCDK, said happily. "By the way, thanks for the food!"
"I didn't say I was going to pay for it."
"Don't worry about the little things in life!" Ed twitched.
"DON'T SAY THAT!" Ignoring Ed's outburst, RGTRKBTCDK (coughLINGcough) sighed happily.
"Ah, for such kind people to look after me in a foreign land… I'm truly thankful." He said, wiping his eyes with a napkin.
Shiri tilted her head slightly. "Foregin? You don't live here?"
"Yep! I came from Xing!"
Under his breath, Ed whispered, "Knew it," before also saying in a regular tone of voice, "That giant nation to the east?"
"Bingo! The desert was like walking through hell, though…" He said, sighing.
"Then why did you go that way?" Al inquired (A/N: Why did I use that word…?).
"I wanted to see the Xerxes ruins."
"Cercheeves?" Shiri pronounced wrong.
"Xerxes." Ed pronounced right. Shiri rolled her eyes.
"Anyway, I heard that there was only sand, dirt, and some more sand."
"Just went for research, really. I came to this country for Eastern Alchemy-related research, too."
Ed narrowed his eyes before mumbling, "Our alchemy is only really used for war in this country… Skirmishes are all over the borders."
"This is such a scary country…"
"It became so militarized since King Bradley became the Führer President." Shiri, who was drink a soda and eating tons of food without poor Ed knowing it, set down her leg of ham.
"I'm really curious though," she said, "about this coolio alchemy for healing…" And she bit another piece of ham off.
"Me too…" Al trailed off.
RGTRKBTCDK (who is DEFINITELY NOT Ling Yao) rested his chin on the palm of his hand. "Are you guys alchemist?" Ed nodded.
"I'm Edward Elric, a State Alchemist."
"I'm his younger brother, Alphonse Elric. Nice to meet you."
"And I'm Shiri, also a State Alchemist." Ed twitched slightly at that.
"I'm Ling Yao!" (A/N: ^gasp^ The mystery was solved…) "The pleasure is mine!" He added, grasping their hands.
"Ah, Ling," Edward started, full of hope and excitement, "could you explain to us your Eastern Alchemy to us?"
"Can't! I'm not an alchemist!" Ling said with a happy laugh.
Poor Ed, his hopes and dreams shot down like usual.
Poor Ed.
"What the hell"—twitch—"did you come to research"—twitch—"if you're not an alchemist?!"
"Just a little something," The RGTRKBTCDK, who we now know (knew) as Ling Yao, started, "You guys might know something about it…"
^cue dramaticness^
"…The Philosopher's Stone." And BAM (!!) his once squinted eyes opened! Ed, Al, and Shiri all did a collective gasp as he continued. "I really want it… Do you know anything about it?"
It was silent for a moment until Shiri spoke up. "Nope. 'Can't say we do." She snapped her fingers in a 'darn' format.
"…Seems like you do." Then Ling snapped his fingers.
INSTANT GUARDS
There was a kunai at Ed's neck, one at Shiri's, and then a sword in Al's armpit (Obviously there were two ninjas.)
"Care to tell me?"
"Care to tell me what you're going to use it for first?" Shiri snapped back, angry that there was a sharp object was pressed against her neck.
"To find the way to gain immortality." He replied smoothly. "Care to tell me now?"
"Stupid…" Ed muttered under his breath, though Ling still heard it.
"I'm being completely serious."
"Besides," Ed said, "This doesn't seem like the right thing to do…" he pushed the blade on his neck back with his automail, "when asking for a favor!" He pushed his fist out to the ninja's face, but then he spun up (in the air, mind you) and kicked Ed to the ground.
"Brother…!" Al said exasperatedly, grasping the blade of the sword protruding into his personal arm-pit bubble.
"Are you going to retaliate too?" The ninja, being, well, a ninja jumped up and kicked Al in the side of the head, sending him flying right next to Ed.
The younger ninja turned to Shiri. "Still not gonna tell you guys anything…" Shiri muttered, before getting a kick that sent her flying through the air… and landing on Ed's back. "Owie…"
"What are they, acrobats?" Shiri shook her head.
"Silly Ed, they're ninjas."
"Martial arts from Xing, maybe?" Al offered.
"This might be tough…"
"True dat, true dat." Shiri said thoughtfully, nodding.
"GET OFFA ME!" She dejectedly hopped off, standing up along with Al and Ed.
"But still…" Shiri said, grinning.
"They're nothing…" Ed added.
"…compared to our master!" Al finished.
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Two ninja fights and one re-broken arm of automail later…
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"Brother!" Al yelled, a bundled up ninja in one arm.
"Yo, Al." Ed responded, waving with his broken arm.
"Wow, you guys really did a good job!" Ling said happily, popping out of seemingly nowhere.
"That's right, right thar." Shiri said, also popping out of the same seemingly nowhere.
"SHIRI?!" She nodded.
"Yup, that is indeed my name, Edward Elric."
"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!"
"Helping Ling run up your food bill and endangering the sanity of a waiter."
"BUT YOU JUST ATE!"
"Stating the obvious is for losers, Edward Elric."
Ed decided to just stop wasting breath on her, and decided to waste it on Ling. "You… coming out like that!"
"Man, you guys are really strong…" Ling, now with a spark of hopefulness, added, "How about it? Become my underlings and let's rule a country?"
Responses:
Al: ^silence^
Shiri: …That entitles me to food and random useless luxuries, right? Okay? THEN I'M IN IT TA WIN IT, BABY!!
Ed: QUIT DAYDREAMING!! How about you go back—
"There they are!"
Cue collections of "Hmm…?"
"You guys destroyed a lot of our city!" said angry city dweller number one.
"I hope you plan to pay for it." said randomly huge city dweller.
"Do forget to pay for all that food, too." said the third one.
"A-and my therapist b-bills!" said a waiter that was twitching dramtically.
"Whoa, whoa! Hang on a sec!" Ed pleaded, "All the repairs and food bills should be to these guys…" Ed pointed to Ling.
"Er… Me no speak language of country! Sayonara!" he yelled, waving goodbye.
Shiri, deciding that staying with Ed only meant work, added, "I don't know these people." And scooted off.
"LING, SHIRI! GET BACK HERE!!"
Ed vowed to himself that he was going to hurt both of them the next time he say them.
"The ninjas got away!"
"That one too?!"
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"We're back!" Ed yelled happily into Garfiel's shop.
"So our paths cross again!"
"How's it hanging Edo?" Ed's sanity cracked, angry at the sight of these two deserters, and smacked them both upside the head with his automail.
"What are you doing here?!" he yelled to Ling before turning to Shiri, "And why didn't you help us?!"
"That's horrible! I thought me were friends!" Ling wailed, getting up from the floor.
"Ow, Ed, I think you just gave me some brain trauma…"
Ignoring Shiri's comment, Ed got all creepy. "Who are you calling a friend?!"
And Ed would have gotten his revenge…
If Winry didn't just enter the room.
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN!
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A/N: I know it seems shorter than usual, but the reason is that I wanted to put in a little extra for my faithful readers out there!! ^gets binoculars and scopes around^ I know you're there!! Anyway, this is what's happening as Ed and Al fight… ENJOY!!!
______Still Third person…!
"So… How are you doing?" Shiri asked Ling politely, crossing her legs like a young lady as she sat in the seat of the table.
"Well… You?"
"I'm doin' great!" Then, she got an idea… "Hey… I'm kinda hungry… wanna run up Ed's food bill?" Ling, liking any ideas that have to do with food and other people paying the bills for it, nodded.
"Great! What should be first…?" Shiri called over the waiter.
"What is the most expensive dish in this restaurant?"
The waiter was confused at her question, but answered nonetheless. "Er… the award-winning five star ramen package."
"…And what does that include?" Ling asked happily.
"Let's see… A bowl of award-winning five star ramen, shrimp tempura, and a salad." Shiri looked at Ling, and they both nodded.
"That's coolio…"
"…We'll take eight!"
_-_-_-_-_-
"Ling…"
"Yes…" After eating their fill of pricy ramen, the duo of freeloaders had a bowl left over.
"…What should we do with that last bowl of ramen? I feel as if it shouldn't go wasted, y'know?"
"Ah… I see your point."
"What should we do with it?" Ling grinned, whispering a plan to her.
_-_-_-_-_-
"WAITER!" Shiri yelled, "THIS RAMEN IS DEFAULTY!"
Running over to her aid, the waiter looked at her. "Yes? What's wrong with it?"
Sighing, Shiri said, "Well, sir, my companion can't seem to get his ramen off of his head." Lo and behold, Ling had a bowl of ramen draped over his head.
The waiter, his eye twitching, yelled, "You do realize that that ramen cost you a ton of money, right?!?!"
"I do, sir, but that is not the problem here." She pointed to Ling, who was licking up all of the ramen on his face with his tongue. "He cannot get the ramen off of his head, and he could die from asphyxiation if the remedy to this problem isn't found soon."
"HE CAN BREATHE!!! HE'S SLURPING UP THE NOODLES!!!"
"I'm afraid I going to have to sue you, sir. My companion just died."
"HE ISN'T DEAD! HE JUST LAID ON THE GROUND AND STARTED TO GO TO SLEEP!!!"
"I shall have the sue-papers tomorrow."
"THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS SUE-PAPERS!"
"Then how else would you sue people, incompetent waiter-san?"
"Yeah, how else would you sue people?"
"SEE?! HE JUST GOT UP!!!"
"He's a ghost that'll testify in your suing, obviously.
A/N: And there you go!! And that's also where the name of the chapter came from too, just in case you wanted to know. Ah, I love Ling! I'm so glad he's finally in the story! After all, he is a prince! (Ushishishishi! Hey, any KHR fans out there?!) So, thanks for reading!!
Ling: Review!
Shiri: Review, and tell Author-dono if you want more of those little stories at the end of chapters in them!!
Ling: Oh, and she also wants to beta-read people! So, if you need somebody to beta read, PM her!!!
Shiri: And… What do you guys feel about a Christmas Special?
Siyui: Thanks, guys! Oh, and I tried to make this chapter extra funny because we all know what's coming up next in the plotline… ^sniffles^
Preview:
Lesson 5: Sadness paves the way for happiness.
I looked down into my lap. "Maes… he's dead?"
All I got in response was a solemn nod.
"And why was I the last one to know?" I asked, my temper rising little by little.
He didn't have an answer for that.