CHAPTER ONE

-BREAKDOWN-

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here, I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here, I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road, I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second-guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah
Three months I hurt

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

A woman standing at what was the only mausoleum at the Smallville cemetery, on it the name Clark Kent. Small and petite, her eyes betrayed her sadness. And yet while she felt empty, she didn't feel the incredible debilitating sadness that Lois was feeling. She had no idea anyone felt sadder than she did.

Guilt was what she was feeling more than anything. Guilt of all the times she walked away from him without pressing him to commit to her, without accepting his secrecy; knowing all the while, it was not born out of any dishonor. She had been jealous of his silence, jealous that he shared so much with Chloe. Jealous that he wouldn't couldn't trust her.

Yesterday she felt jealous, today she felt regret. She placed a red rose beside the yellow one that was already there. She thought it was something that Chloe would have done. She walked away and headed in the direction of the Talon. She had to talk to Chloe and find out what had happened.

Lois rocked her chair at her desk, and read the latest proof of her article about suicide. Of all the things she would be assigned, teenage suicide wasn't what she wanted to write about at the moment. She thought about Lana standing there at Clark's grave, his mausoleum. Chloe had arranged it, insisted upon it as a matter of fact, and Oliver had paid for it. It didn't matter to her, he was gone no matter how he was buried. But to see the woman responsible for breaking Clark's heart so many times was just too much. It made her feel something she hadn't felt in a long time- angry.

She had wanted to follow Lana, and punch her lights out of course, just to make herself feel better, if only for a moment. But she knew better. It wouldn't solve anything. It would only make things worse. She pushed her chair out from her and walked toward the elevator, she decided to make a visit, she finally realized, it wasn't Lana she needed to have it out with. It was Ollie.

"Chloe?" Lana walked into the main office of the Isis foundation, and saw Chloe sitting behind the main computer room, searching files. It was satellite images of the day Clark disappeared.

Chloe turned around and felt tears finally gushing. It was the one person who understood how she felt about Clark, and rushing to her, she embraced her, both of them were crying.

"What are you looking for?"

"Jor-el…or what happened to the fortress." She wiped tears from her eyes.

"How did they find Clark anyway? What happened to him Chloe?"

"Jor-el took his powers away, to make a long story short, Ollie shot him, but he wasn't in control of himself when he did."

"So…he was human?"

"Pretty much…"

"What about your power to…"

"Gone, it changed when Brainiac attacked me."

"You have him safely kept away at least, until we find a way to..."

"I won't quit until I do."

"God Chloe…how is Mrs. Kent holding up?"

"She's angry with Jor-el. She blames him. She's at least working on finding out anything she can through underground channels about that day."

"Isn't that dangerous for her? She could get in trouble…"

"She's lost him Lana, Clark and Jonathan. As strong as she is, I don't think she cares anymore."

"We can't let anything happen to her!"

"I won't, I have a couple of contacts that will keep her safe."

"I hope you don't mean Ollie…"

"No, Ollie is pretty much helpless right now. He blames himself. He's dying inside Lana."

"And how are you holding up?"

"Me? I don't care if it's the last thing I do. I'm going to find him; I'm going to bring him back."

Oliver was not at his apartment. He was at the club across from the Daly Planet. He wanted someone to come and haveit out with him. Do him in for good. It was why he had started going to bars. He was picking fights; he was getting his ass kicked constantly. It never helped. Lois didn't know this. She had no idea what he had been up to since Clark had died. She had stood above Clark watching Chloe cradle him in her arms, she remembered the look that had passed between her and Ollie, and she had walked away, vowing never to see him again. She had left behind Chloe, Clarkslifeless body, and in shook she had called the one person she could think of, only to hang up when she realized, it would devastate Martha, she couldn't do that to her. She had listened to the hello on the other end and hung up. She got in the car and drove home, alone. She didn't go to the funeral, and she never talked with Martha about it. As a matter of fact, she hadn't called or talked with Martha at all

She had avoided anyone who knew him. Of course, she couldn't avoid Chloe or Jimmy. But with everyone else, she just pulled away.

Today she walked into the bar only to find herself walking in on a fight, the blonde man across from the bald thug had gotten in a couple of shots, but when she realized who the blonde man was she walked over and turned him around, and then she punched him squarely in the jaw. He fell on the floor quickly

"Lois?" he was drunk, she could tell.

The thug looked at her and laughed and said

"Wait in line little lady"

"I don't think so." And she punched him in the gut and hit the spikes on his leather jacket, and then proceeded to flip him. He fell on the ground amazed. When he got up again, she put her foot behind his and then as he started falling again she elbowed him in the small of his back. He was on the ground again, but in pain.

"Had enough?"

He shook his hand at her motioning defeat, and she turned to see Ollie standing.

"Thanks Lois." He said too quickly

"Go to Hell Ollie!" And then she proceeded to punch him in the face and gut a couple of times, and then she flipped him and took him out much the same way she had taken down the thug.

Knuckles bleeding, she walked out of the bar feeling better for the first time in three months.

Lana had left to visit Martha in Washington. She felt it was something that she could do. Chloe had the search for answers pretty much in hand.

Chloe had watched Lois come in to their apartment silently, much the way she always did, but she went over to the sink and started washing her hands, blood ran through the water, turning it scarlet. Chloe walked over and took Lois's hand. Lois pulled it away.

"Lois? What happened?"

"I had a fight over a story, but I won in the end." She lied. She hoped Chloe wouldn't ask her anything else. She still wouldn't look at Chloe.

"Lois…I know you and Clark was friends, but you won't even look at me now." She put a hand on Lois's arm and squeezed, "Please tell me you don't blame me!"

She finally looked at her and started to cry, it was awful, her knuckles bleeding, and she was attempting to wipe the tears away. "I don't blame you Chloe! I…I just…I…"

"Then why? Why aren't you talking to me?"

"It's hard okay?" she tried to look up to search the words that wouldn't make her out to sound like a complete fool.

"When I came here the Kent's were more like family than my Dad and Sister…it's just too much!"

"I'm family too Lois!"

"I know…I know…I'm sorry Chlo, I just can't…"

"It's okay…" Relieve sweeping through her, she hugged Lois to her.

That morning Lois paced in front of Ollie building, debating the decision she had made that morning. It wasn't what she wanted to do. It was what she had to do.

She punched the elevator button to go up and stepped in. What waited her on the other side? Would it be redemption, or devastation?

Somehow, she didn't care anymore.

"Lois!" Ollie said taking a step back and holding his hands up. "I don't want to fight with you anymore!"

"It's okay…I came to talk." She wasn't angry anymore. She had and odd look about her, one that Ollie had never seen. She was sad, more than sad. He couldn't put a name to it.

She sat down on the divan and looked at him he walked over to his mini bar… "You want something to drink?"

"Don't you think you've had enough of that stuff?"

"Not until I drown."

"Ollie…It wasn't your fault."

"It was my arrow, my aim my shot…and it was my fault."

"No Ollie, you were drugged; you weren't able to control yourself…Come on. You know that Clark would tell you the same thing; he would tell you that you would have to go on to do what you were doing; he would be the first to tell you not to do this to yourself."

"Well he's not here to tell me is he?"

She stood up and walked around to make him face her, She grabbed his arm and turned him around "Ollie You can sit here feeling sorry for yourself, and guilty, or you can dedicate yourself to making this a better world like you were doing before this happened…you owe him that much you know!"

She walked away from him and walked into the elevator. Looking at him, she said one more time

"It's not your fault Ollie." The doors closed. Ollie went over to the couch; he collapsed and finally began to cry.