But every time 
I reach for you,
 you slip through my fingers


Into cold sunlight, laughing at the things 
that

I had planned, the map of my world gets

Smaller as I sit here, pulling at the loose threads now

……………………

"Well I can understand you not knowing, it was a pretty well kept secret—"

"Unlike that deal between Gassy and Dana, can you believe that girl? No one in their right mind…"

"Maybe he slipped her some love potion." At that both Amber Meadows and Rachel Masters looked across the dungeon where Mr. Shingleton was struggling to extinguish the fire that had just erupted from his cauldron. "On second thought, probably not." I'd been sitting in potions, killing time waiting for class to end, doing some digging on the whole Sam and Sirius situation from Hogwart's two biggest gossip hounds. However they were both easily distracted.

"Seriously now, what do you know?" The hourglass on Professor Slughorns desk was running down, and I wasn't exactly curious enough to continue on this conversation outside of class. Amber and Masters were my friends, but more out of convenience, than any common interests. I gave them tips in potions (the only reason they'd been able to advance to NEWT level) and they gave me gossip, and a way to kill time in my now lonely potions class (everyone in Gryffindor besides me James and Sirius had dropped, and I wasn't that desperate for company yet).

"Oh yeah… well it sounds like she ran into him in London over break and basically seduced him. Not that its hard to seduce Sirius Black, I swear, he'd sleep with a dog if he could." As she spoke she shot lasers out her brown eyes over to the desk at which Potter and Sirius were stirring their potion and grinning in a way that probably meant danger to the rest of the students in the class. It seemed Amber was perhaps still a bit bitter about her and Sirius's short-lived fling last fall.

"Well, they've made it, what, like a month and a half now? That must be some sort of record for Sirius… and Sam too if you think about it." Master's twisted a hand through her platinum blond hair, looking into her cauldron as if deep in thought, it was a thoroughly unsettling look on her.

"Ok class, lets add any last finishing touches and then if you would please be so kind as to decant your mandrake draught into the vials and then bring them to my desk for evaluation." Slughorn finally emerged from his office, after doing god knows what in there for the last ten minutes (probably napping). "Oh, no Skively, not like that, you want to pour it slowly with a clockwise rotation. Weren't you here the day I discussed this?" Slughorn rushed his portly frame over to the poor student, whose vial was now emitting a strange orange gas.

I took my potion, which I'd finished and decanted ages ago to the front of the classroom and left it on the desk, where I noticed a slightly discolored vial sitting in the corner. Thinking nothing of it I returned to my table to pack up my books and slip out of class, hopefully avoiding another awkward invitation to a Slug Club party. Horace (yes, he insisted on first name) collected students like Sirius collected ex's. He'd approached me just the last class insisting I come to a little "informal soiree" he was hosting next Thursday evening. Potter had watched the uncomfortable exchange from the corner of the room, snickering, until I sent a hex his way. Coming up with an excuse to get out of the part was still on my to do list. I was about to make my escape when a loud popping noise came from the desk and a gold colored gas flowed out of the vial I'd noticed earlier. The gas snaked it way out slowly spelling out its message "Professor Horace Slughorn CPM, would like to cordially invite you to a gathering of talented students next Thursday evening at 7pm in the back dungeon. Beverages and snacks will be provided." Slughorn stared at his desk and the gaseous display hovering above it, a mortified expression on his round face; his secret party had been exposed to the ignorant masses. I watched from the doorway, as rather than call Potter and Sirius (who were the obvious culprits) forward to punish them, he turned to the class and announced, "Ha, yes, that's this Thursday, a week and two days from now. So please everyone come ready to socialize with your peers." Good old Sluggy, anything to save face with his prized possessions. As he spoke the message dissipated, spreading out into the air of the classroom. The class looked around sheepishly, it seemed the lure of food and drinks (Slughorn was notorious for 'accidentally' leaving out alcoholic beverages for students to partake) might be enough to draw them into going.

"Admit it, it was a nice presentation. Personally I felt the gold really popped against the dark dungeon background. And the font, well that was difficult to decide upon…" Potter caught up to me in the corridor, slinging his pack over his broad shoulders. And I'd been so hopeful that I'd be able to escape him for just a few hours.

"Mmhmm, well I think you made the right decision on the font, it seemed very Sluggish." We'd been getting along better than usual the last three days since we'd been forced to move in together in the Heads Dorm, which meant that instead of our usual ten explosive fights a day we'd gone down to one. This morning's argument had been about who had dibs on the cushy couch in the common room. James had foolishly tried to assert that it was his turn at the couch, which had somehow devolved into a fight about Potter being an self centered pussymongerer and me being an insensitive cuntwaffle (while our arguments always seemed to end on the same point we kept finding new and creative ways to insult each other), needless to say I was not exactly thrilled to see him. "Tell me, why did you feel the need to invite the class to the Slug Club party? Was it just a whim? Or did you feel that everyone in our class deserves the torture?" I stopped at the staircase, waiting for it to rotate to the right place, then taking off at a decidedly quick pace. I might have been trying to lose my tail.

"Well I was thinking, if it was more public, than you could drag along Kate or Emily and it wouldn't be as miserable. I know you hate those things. Merlin knows everyone does." He paused to wrench his foot out of the jinxed step. "I mean, who wouldn't enjoy three hours of being stuck in a room with the most pretentious kids in this dump."

"I'm literally counting down the days." I replied dryly.

"And since you don't have a built in excuse like Quidditch practice…"

"I have very important meetings to attend—

"Oh right, what was the one you made up last year? The Centaur Protection Front? Don't think that exists Lily, but good try."

"The Centaurs need protection!"

"Right, and so do giants, those poor suckers keep getting stepped on by blokes bigger than them. Anyways, I thought I'd do something nice, to make up for this morning." I stopped as we arrived in the great hall, taking a moment to watch the chaotic rush of students.

"I'm going to do something that will surprise you—

"Well gee, I hadn't even asked yet Lils, but yes I'd love to go to Hogsmeade with you next weekend!"

"Thin ice, Potter." I said in a cold voice, James had the decency to at least look thoroughly reproached. "I was going to say thanks, but now I've decided against it. Clearly it would only go to your head, which from the looks of it doesn't need any more swelling."

"Low blow Evans, you know my heads only so big because of my abnormally large brain!" He called from across the great hall as we went our separate paths.

……………………………

The flames danced around my fingertips, illuminating my hands in an orange glow. Kate watched with a concerned expression as I giggled while attempting to pinch and grab the individual flames. I'd been playing with the fire for the last ten minutes, ever since we finished the flame-freezing spell. I'd been feeling better and better as the day progressed, one could say I was approaching euphoric. I knew I should have been copying the notes Flitwick left on the board, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, the fire was just too…entrancing…

"Lily," Kate finally grabbed my arm to keep me from my pursuit of grabbing fire, "are you ok? Because you're acting like—

"You're blazed or something." Emily cut in with a grin on her face. "Ha, get it? Blazed, fire. Get it?" Her face fell as she realized that no one was laughing along with her joke. People rarely did with Emily, it was usually more of a laughing at her than laughing with her thing. "You guys suck." She went into a pout and buried her head in her arms on the table, looking more like a disgruntled toddler than the eighteen-year-old winner of the Royden Poke Mrs. Teen Wizard contest. To be fair she hadn't entered herself in that contest, that had been the handiwork of Kate and Sirius. But when the letter with the results had come in, including the news that she'd be featured on the cover of Mens Magic Magazine, came in the post last year, well we couldn't resist giving her crap for it.

"That was a good one Em. I thought it was funny."

"No you didn't Remus, if you encourage her she'll only continue with these horrible puns." Ah Kate, always the protector of people's feelings, she was so sensitive about other's needs. I knew there was a reason she was my best friend. "Really though Lily, you've been out of it all class. I mean you couldn't even do the flame-freezing charm by yourself and you've been able to do that by yourself. Is there something you need to inform us of?"

"She's high."

"…As a kite."

"No guys, she's pregnant!"

"Whose the father?"

"Some muggle bloke from this summer?"

"No way. It's gotta be James."

"Potter?"

"What other James do you know?"

"I don't know, but maybe Lily knows another James…Besides she wouldn't."

"Well they are living together now…"

"Not everyone who lives together sleeps together. We've lived together for six years and we've not slept together. By your logic our whole dorm would have had an orgy the first week of first year."

"Gah, that's not what I meant, and you know it."

I chose to ignore the fight between Kate and Emily, instead focusing on the pretty pretty flames. How did they get so orange? What if fire was green? That would be so cool. But then how could you tell if grass is on fire? Maybe orange was the right color for fire. It looks like it would be tasty…

"Girls, you know I hate to break up your little catfight, but I think something is really wrong with Lily." Remus who'd been listening to the conversation while jotting down the assignment from the board finally cut them off. "She didn't even flinch when you mentioned her sleeping with James."

"Hmm, yeah that is slightly problematic. Usually Emily and I would be begging for our lives by now. " I knew there was a reason I was supposed to be angry with this Potter fellow, and maybe his friend Sirius, but for the life of me I couldn't seem to remember what it was. And I didn't care; I was far too fascinated by the air around me. It seemed much more energetic than usual, if air can have energy. Like there were a million tiny fairies buzzing around, just creating all this electricity. Speaking of electricity, who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

"She's gone bonkers, probably from—" But Emily was interrupted from her theorizing by the bell. Remus and Kate started packing up their books and quills while Emily peered at me like a scientist examining a new species of insect.

"I've no idea what you guys are talking about, I'm perfectly," I attempted to stand up and gather my things, but instead toppled over backwards off my seat landing in a heap on the floor, "I'm not ok."

"Jesus Lily, what's happened to you?"

The fall seemed to knock some of my senses back into me. "Black, and Potter. I think they, I think they might have done some sort of an intoxication incantation last period." I managed to squeeze out the information between bouts of giggles.

"And your not mad?" Remus seemed incredulous.

"How can I be mad when I feel so good?"

Kate turned to Emily and whispered fearfully "She's going to murder them when she comes down from this."

"I do not want to witness that carnage."

…………………………………..

"Good afternoon Ms. Evans. How has your day been? Enjoyable I hope. Perhaps even splendid?" He slid into the seat next to me, clearly amused with himself, a wicked smile reaching all the way up to his blue eyes. Well, if there was any doubt left, that erased it.

"Marvelous." I replied, which was true, ever since potions class my mood had been good. No, my mood had been bizarrely good. As Kate had said , I was 'creepy happy' of course that had been after I'd described lunch with Sirius and Sam ,who spent the whole time cooing at eachother, as 'highly enjoyable'. "However, when this wears off, there will be hell to pay. Hell." I tried to sound threatening, I really did, but it was difficult to do with the giant smile that seemed plastered to my face.

"That's assuming it wears off." Sirius mumbled through a mouthful of bread pudding. At which point Sam turned to him to reprimand him for talking with his mouth full of food and ask what the hell it was that was wearing off of me.

"It has to wear off, she was crawling on the floor being a tiger during History of Magic." Kate came to my defense, kicking Sirius in the shins, causing him to spit out the bread pudding, and earning her a glare from Sam.

"You were doing it with me!"

"Well yeah. Only to keep you company, Binns wasn't looking, I couldn't let you look like a fool…" Kate retreated into her food a blush creeping up her pale cheeks.

"A tiger? Can we get a reenactment of that? Like was there purring involved? Grooming? Perhaps some tiger mating?" Peter's eyes glazed over in what I could only imagine was a horrifying fantasy.

"You guys are being ridiculous, I need to go do patrols with Seth." I started to stand up but I felt hands on both sides pushing me back into my chair. Remus looked at me like I was crazy.

"Oh no, no, no. You're not doing patrols. I'll get someone to fill in for you Lils, but clearly you're not in any shape to being doing patrols right now."

"Especially not with Seth. Ew." Emily shuddered, receiving a raised eyebrow from Kate, Sam and I, it was a little known secret that she'd hooked up with him last year, multiple times.

"Goddamnit Black, Potter, you guys have made me useless today, I can't even do my homework now!"

"That would sound a lot more threatening without the joyous voice."

"Nah, you can tell she's mad cause she called you Black. Usually she reserves last names for me."

I left the dining hall, hoping to get a few hours of shuteye while the incantation wore off before getting to work on all the papers I had to write. I'd probably be up till 5am, excellent. I slipped down the corridor to the Heads Quarters and stopped in front of the statue of Ethelred the Ever Ready, "Leaping Lions." Ethelred raised his wand then spun causing the wall behind him to slide open. I passed into the common room, pausing to glance at a piece of paper pinned to the wall.

'Mudbloods Don't Belong In The Prophet Nor In These Halls'

…………………….

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