Another chapter! Please read and review if you like/don't like what's going on. As always, I don't own anything about Stephenie Meyer's work, but I do believe there are some aspects of her story that are unrealistic, especially in terms of relationships between characters. Don't worry, there might just be redemption in the end...Maybe...
I recognized the expression on his face, anger, guilt, extreme pain. It was the expression Renesmee had shown me from her earliest memories, a view of Edward's face as she had looked up at him, as he looked at my changing body. It was the expression that must be written across my face now.
His words echoed around the still, white house.
"What did you say?" I snarled, crouching in an attack position, every nerve on fire.
"Renesmee is my daughter too" Edward repeated, standing straight up in front of me, his black eyes staring at me.
It was the first time he had spoken since Jasper and I had returned. I had tried to ignore his still form crumpled on the stairs, fighting both my impulses to kiss him and to attack him.
The whole family was gathered, Rosalie and Emmett by the kitchen door, identical expressions of pain on their faces. Jasper went to Alice by the wall of windows while Esme and Carlisle rose lightly from the couch.
Esme came to embrace me but I just turned aside, not allowing myself to feel emotion in that moment. I calmly explained to them that I was leaving as soon as possible. They could still move to Dartmouth if they wanted, or not, but I wouldn't be with them either way.
Esme interrupted, of course, her voice full of tears, "Bella, you don't have to do that!" she cried, reaching out to me. "We are here for you. We all love Renesmee and will search for her. We love you both so much."
"No, Esme" I said firmly. "It has to be just me. She's my daughter. If I've failed as a mother and she's running away from that…" my voice cracked as emotion broke through. I quickly stifled it. "Then it's my responsibility to find her."
Esme continued to argue before Alice broke in, "But Bella, what makes you think you'll find her better alone that with the rest of us? We have all been searching for answers. We all are trying to think of places we can go. Emmett and Rose have already come up with a few,"
"No, Alice!" I shouted, starting to let my anger through. "Don't you understand? She ran away from me! From this family!"
"You aren't the only one who loves Nessie!" Rose shot back. "How can you think we won't do everything in our power to get her back?"
"No!" I yelled, my anger bursting out. "She's my daughter! My responsibility, my failure!"
"She's my daughter too!" Edward spoke, raising his head to glare at me.
"What did you say?"
"Renesmee is my daughter too" he repeated. "What makes you think that you are the only one responsible for her? What makes you think you are the only one who is hurting?" He paused, then stood, walking up the stairs and closing his old bedroom door.
His words cut me even more than I had expected
Alice pounced on my stunned silence, listing in her most persuasive voice all the reasons that I couldn't leave, that the family needed me, that she needed me, and that she couldn't see me succeed anyway…
My head snapped towards her when she said that, but her face was the epitome of innocent hurt.
"Please Bella?" Alice said gently, genuinely pleading. I felt Jasper's influence as my body relaxed. I allowed it.
"Fine. I'll stay" I said, knowing that I couldn't escape without loads more guilt than I felt right now. I briefly thought about running in the middle of the night, but, glancing back at Alice, knew that she would know right away what I was planning. I would just have to find a way to deal with being around them, and around him, for a little while longer.
I walked through the kitchen and out the back door, staring through the trees and river to the mountains. Instead of accepting their beauty and the exquisite color perceived by my eyes, all I could think about was Renesmee.
Where was she?
Could she find food?
Was she alone?
If not, who was she with?
Even if she didn't know it, she was still a child, my baby.
I heard steps behind me and continued to stare ahead as Carlisle came up and stood beside me.
"Bella," he said sympathetically. "We have been doing research to try to find…Renesmee. We want to go over our ideas with you and see what you think."
I nodded slightly and continued to stare away.
"There is also another issue that we need your help on," he explained slowly, carefully choosing words.
"What?" I asked as he paused again.
"Jacob" he replied quietly, almost as if afraid to remind me.
I let out the breath I didn't know I had been holding. "Jake! Oh!" I whispered, pain lancing through me again. How could I have been so selfish as to forget my best friend? He loved my daughter, practically worshipped her. How could I explain this to him?
"We think he has a right to know, as does the tribe" Carlisle continued.
"Of course…" I murmured. "I'll have to go tell him."
Carlisle started to ask if he wanted me to go with him but I interrupted,
"No, I need to do this alone" I said firmly.
Carlisle rested his hand on my shoulder, squeezing slightly before turning back to the house.
I couldn't even begin to think about the pain I would be causing on top of the loss of his dad. I'd have to be strong for him, just like I was for everyone else.
As I stumbled out of Jake's house, what had been the middle of the day had turned to night. I felt empty, emotionless. It took everything not to take off and run in the opposite direction, provoke the Volturi, maybe, or just get a random wanderer to finish me off. The expression on his face was burned into my consciousness.
Jacob, looking like he had gotten smacked across the face by his best friend. The intense pain, betrayal, and heartbreak smashed what was left of my heart into the ground. Every time he looked at me it was as if someone were stomping on me, stabbing me with thousands of knives. The one person I had vowed to never hurt again. Broken. Compared to my transformation, this was nothing.
At first he hadn't believed it, thought it was some cruel joke that I had created. I explained all that we knew, what we wanted to do to get her back, but I don't think he heard a word. I thought I had seen his spirit leave him when Billy died but this, coming on the heels of such intense grief, sucked everything out of him as my words sunk in.
Not even a person, he looked like a shell. A small part of my mind wondered if this was the horror that people had seen when they looked at me after Edward left. When I thought he'd be gone for good. Without wanting them too, those memories suddenly appeared, another accusing glare into my life, another stab of anger toward Edward. Why couldn't I be anything without him? I knew that no matter how far I ran, I couldn't survive being away from him. That dependence frightened me now. Now that I would do anything to get my daughter back, even break us apart.
Somehow I refocused on the defeated man in front of me. All I could do was be there, hold him, tell him that it would be ok, even though I didn't have a clue in hell how that could be. So I held him… for hours.
Finally, knowing I had work to get done, I called Seth to take care of Jake. I didn't believe I could leave him here alone. Selfishly, I realized that I couldn't lose anyone else. I wouldn't lose Jake.
As Seth walked through the door I made to get up but was suddenly held back.
"Wait, Bella," he said fervently, his tortured eyes looking into mine. "Promise me you won't leave without me" he exhaled in one breath. "I…can't…I can't be here without…" he trailed off as his eyes searched for what he knew wouldn't be there. He choked back a sob.
"Please" he whispered as he locked his eyes on mine, paying no attention to the tears that had silently begun to flow.
"I promise, Jake" I replied. "You'll come with us when you leave."
He nodded once before falling back into the sofa. It was the least I could promise him. As I explained the situation to a horrified Seth, I realized that neither of us was free. I was bound to my love, just like he was bound to his connection to Renesmee. We each had our responsibilities, our torments, our heartbreaks. Both of us were bound.