For those of you uncomfortable with the Bella/Edward tensions...good luck with this chapter :) As always, read and review if you like. It's always nice to hear input or just get a perspective on how randomly the story is going...
I left my car at Jacob's and started running. I knew, though, that no matter how fast I ran or where I went, I couldn't escape from the expression now burned into my perfect memory. It was a short run back to the house, so I shifted course, running to the place that had seemed so safe, the pasture that once held such happy memories. Maybe it could bring me back now. I hoped against hope that somehow I could deaden this pain.
As I walked up to the pasture the wind shifted and a scent hit me in the face, so familiar and so unwelcome. For a brief moment, I considered turning and running in the opposite direction, but even with all the anger I felt toward him I was still drawn in, as if a wire connected me to him that reeled me in, overriding choice. Between the anger that he evoked and the pain that came from being with Jake, I knew that this was not the place I wanted to be right now. Still, I couldn't avoid it. Instead, I steeled myself and shut down my emotion as I drew nearer to Edward's still figure in the middle of our field.
He stood facing toward me as I emerged from the woods, a calm mask on his face. We stood silently facing each other and I read pain in his eyes as he took in my deadened expression.
"What do you want, Edward?" I broke the silence, suddenly feeling so tired and worn down.
"I needed…" he started, taking a step toward me before catching himself. "I wanted to see how you were. I wanted to see how Jacob was doing."
In any other circumstance I would have been touched by his concern for Jacob, their relationship was always so touchy. Now, the name just stung me deeper.
"I don't need you to check up on me" I replied, avoiding the subject of Jake, altogether.
"Why?" his voice broke with desperation, despair breaking through the mask of calm. It was almost as if he was burning from the inside, pained every time he looked at me, tortured whenever he heard me speak. At least, that was how I was feeling, although for possibly different reasons.
"Why won't you talk to me?" he tried again. "I'm hurting too, more than you can know. I loved her too, how can you shut me out? Please, Bella…" he reached out to me across the 50 yards between us, as if he could bridge the gap with so small a gesture. "I don't know how to…" he searched for words as his eyes stayed locked on me. "I don't know how to…be without you…"
"Well, I don't want to be with you," I laughed one short dry laugh, mocking him, then turned deadly serious. "How do you expect me to be around you, every day, when it taunts me, an accusation of something I should have done better? That you should have done better? You talk about her as if she's dead, as if because I've failed she is gone forever. Why does it always have to be me! Every time I see you I'm disgusted with you and disgusted with me. So no, Edward" I spit his name back at him and watched him wince. "I don't want to be with you."
I turned to go, an unexpected pain pulled in my chest as I saw him fall to his knees from the corner of my eye, as if I had punched him as hard as I could in the chest, the wind sucked from his chest.
"Wait," he said weakly.
I ground my teeth in frustration as I kept my back to him.
"Wait for what?" I said quietly, almost to myself.
After a pause his voice returned, gaining strength with every word, "You think you can just get rid of me? You think you can leave me and disregard what we have? Our family?" he was yelling by this point. "It's going to take more than that to make me leave! You are my wife! She is my daughter!" He took a deep breath before saying firmly. "Renesmee is my daughter and I will fight to get her back too. Just like I will fight for you, even if you don't want it!"
I whipped around as he said her name. Renesmee. My daughter. Hearing him say it was like he had taken the heart buried in my chest and twisted it. Agony.
"Don't say her name" I hissed, lowering into an attack position. "If you loved her, you should have protected her."
"You think this is my fault?" he snarled back, jumping to his feet as he mirrored my stance.
"I don't know what to think," I said mockingly as I glared into his black eyes.
"Ha," he growled back, "So you just want to dispose of me, move on to the next boy. Maybe that's what you were doing while 'comforting' Jacob…"
I screamed in rage at Jake's name, not allowing him to finish his sentence before I attacked. He almost seemed to welcome it as he lunged toward me. We crashed into each other as I kicked off of him. Without the advantage of reading my moves, he almost acted blindly, punching toward me as I danced back. He seemed distracted for a second, his head shaking as if brushing off a fly, so I took advantage, kicking him hard in the gut. I realized my months of combat training had paid off, even if not in the way either of us had expected.
I backpedaled twenty yards as he spun back to his feet, snarling at me again. I ran toward and jumped, making it over him and low quick enough to bite his leg, though not as hard as I'd like. Suddenly I felt a knife-like pain in my shoulder, hearing the sound of my flesh tearing before I could let go and run away. I fell back to regroup as we circled each other.
Just then, I heard movement in the trees to the right of us and instinctively angled myself to see what was coming.
"Wait!" Alice's and Esme's voices emerged through the trees just before they broke through along with the rest of the family.
"Bella! Edward! Stop!" Alice gasped, taking in my torn shoulder and Edward's slight limp. She ran between us, close enough for either of us to easily attack.
"Get away, Alice!" Edward spat, his expression unlike anything I'd seen before. Terrifyingly angry.
She turned to him. "Edward, what are you thinking?" She locked eyes with him, slowly walking closer to him. I resisted the urge to pull her away, though heard Jasper hiss as she went up to him.
Edward held her stare, wincing slightly at something he must have seen in her thoughts and growling slightly. Jasper started forward but, without breaking eye contact, Alice held up a hand to calm him. Edward's expression slowly shifted from anger to deep sadness. After holding a few seconds he stood, nodding once at her. She smiled sadly and stepped back.
His eyes turned to me.
"I won't fight you anymore, Bella" he said sadly.
His statement, said so calmly, only infuriated me.
"Why not?" I taunted, laughing drily. "Scared?" I ran at him, hitting him to the ground. He didn't avoid my blows, allowing himself to be hit but sitting up again. I punched again, stronger, in his stomach.
"Fight back!" I screamed. "Are you just going to leave it like that? Do you care so little about me that you'll just give me up?" I kicked his leg, the one I had already injured, forcing his leg to buckle as he fell to the ground. Behind me I heard Esme cry out.
"Fight back! Fight back!" My screams turned to dry sobs as I fell to my knees. My anger, resentment, grief, pain all welled to the surface, completely beyond my control. My head fell forward as I wrapped my arms tightly around my body, rocking back at forth. All the emotion that I had blocked out since I first read her note consumed me, forcing me to feel everything, overcoming the numbness I didn't realize I had imposed on myself. Though I had felt anger, betrayal, and grief, the depth of those feelings was nothing compared to this. From somewhere beyond my pain I realized that Edward had come to me, wrapping his arms around my body. I tried to push him off but couldn't make my arms respond. My mind was too far gone in pain.
A part of my mind recognized that I was being picked up and carried, that the woods flashed by I closed my eyes in a desperate attempt to shut out the world, but the pain continued. I felt myself being laid on something. I couldn't cry to ease the pain. I couldn't sleep to forget. My mind only knew pain. Escapeless, ceaseless pain.
--
I didn't recognize day or night. Time was meaningless. At some point I realized how similar it was to the transformation I had undergone. Then, my body burned like a thousand of the hottest fires and my heart beat its way toward its own demise. Then I managed to get by because I remembered why I wanted it. I remembered what was waiting for me at the end.
This pain, I grasped, was so much worse. My body could pull out of the pain, but my mind? It was as if it was stabbed and burned, but not physically. Each memory that came to the surface unbidden stabbed me. Each glimpse of her face felt like a red-hot poker. Could I ever escape this torment? Did I want to?