Oblivion

Chapter 17

Severus Snape was beginning to get frustrated. With Potter but of course. Why couldn't the boy just tell him what was wrong with him so he could help him through his past. Honestly, he didn't even think Potter was fully over what had happened between them, but he couldn't deal with that unless he dealt with the Lockhart incident. And he was sure it was Lockhart, that had raped him before. If nothing else, their last meeting and Potter's outburst assured him of that. Now to get the boy to admit it. Acceptance was the first step to facing a problem, after getting over the denial.

He was also worried something else was bothering Potter now. Perhaps the meetings were becoming too much? Or the boy was for some reason regretting his defense of him. But after having to spend a couple of nights of his week talking to Potter he could tell something was wrong now. The boy looked drawn, a bit unstable even, physically. He kept an inconspicuous eye on Potter while he picked at his breakfast and frowned internally as the boy left having hardly eaten. Neutrally he noted Potter's friends following him out. Perhaps they could help…but then again the boy refused to talk to them…

"Severus, would you mind escorting me to my office?" Severus kept his face blank as he nodded and stood from his tea and toast.

The Potions Master followed Albus along the corridors, mind working. Had the Headmaster come to come decision about his being here? Was his time up? If he had to fight again he would! He had some integrity left and he had said, sworn, he wasn't leaving until he had helped Potter. After that he could be fired…Azkaban…whatever, whoever wished.

He came to himself as Albus gestured him into his office and shut the door behind them.

"So what is this about Headmaster?" Severus said settling himself into a chair.

"What is happening to Harry?" Albus said sharply, voice chilly. "If your meetings are doing this to him…"

"If you mean his current state of appearance, it's not me or my doing. I think something is wrong but he is not yet ready to confide in me." Severus looked at Albus neutrally as the suspicious look died. "He will not confide in myself, his friends, anyone. Obviously what happened bothers him greatly for some reason."

"So it's not something new? That happened recently that has him like this? He seemed recovered the past month and now this has started, he seems to have deteriorated again."

"I don't know why. Maybe the meetings are too much for him. Perhaps it is me. Perhaps my questioning. But I have to…pressure him if I'm going to get him to crack."

Albus relaxed in his chair. "Okay. I think Harry is trying to trust you so perhaps he will confide in you soon. Just make sure your pressuring is within reason." The blue eyes stared at him sternly.

"I would never hurt a student." Severus stood. "I'm sorry you can't separate me from my drugged counterpart. But perhaps forgiveness will come some day. Headmaster," Saying that Severus exited.

Harry had entered the office tiredly that evening. Sitting edgily on his chair he waited for the professor to open the meeting as usual.

"Yet another day of this I see." Severus swept back around him from the door and went around his desk to sit.

"I don't really have anything to talk about."

"Nothing in your mind? Surprise, surprise." Harry sighed at the dull barb. "Okay Mr. Potter. If you don't want to tell me what it is bothering you, that has you not eating properly, not working properly and apparently," Black eyes raked over his face. "Not sleeping properly, I'll just talk today then."

"Knock yourself out." Literally, Harry added in his head.

"Okay. I'd like to talk about the rape." Severus leaned back in his chair and stared at Harry. "I don't really have a recollection of feelings…as it happened, except for basically…what the potion made me feel. Pleasure. But…the few things I do get from my memories is questions. About you. I know I attacked you and the Confundus at first must have had something to do with your lassitude. But why didn't you fight me Potter? You just lay there and let me…you could have fought. Is that something you're supposed to do when sexually attacked? Be docile?" Severus sneered and leaned forward as the boy began to react at last. "Don't give me any lame excuses either. You could have hit, screamed, something. Run away and told on me. Wouldn't you have loved the chance to finally get me out of the school? And even if you weren't thinking of it from that point of view…what about your own protection! Why didn't you fight me Potter?" He was by now standing and leaning over the table, spitting the question at Harry.

"Will you stop pestering me? Just stop!" Harry dug his nails into his scalp, pulling his hair, breathing agitatedly. "What do you want from me?"

"The truth Potter. Simply the truth." Severus said soothingly, lowering his voice. "Look, just tell me how you feel. That's what these meetings are for." The professor squeezed his nose bridge tiredly. "I'm not one for confession of feelings myself. But I'm trying."

"I'm confused! And I'm angry! And…and scared sometimes…" Harry shuddered and covered his face. "I want to know why…why…" He looked up and Severus flinched at the tears welling in his eyes. "Why me? What the fuck did I do to deserve the shit that happens to me! And I want to know why if I've forgiven you I can't just…get over what happened? I hear you talking about it and I feel sick…sick." His voice trailed off with a hitch.

"Just because you forgive someone…doesn't mean you forget. You feel sick because…it was sick. It shouldn't have happened. You were raped and, I'm sorry. I wish it had never happened." Severus sat back down. "You have a right to be angry and scared. But if you'd trust me…talk to me, perhaps you wouldn't be so confused anymore."

Harry smiled bitterly, swiping at his eyes under his glasses. "I know what you want me to tell you. Stop playing with me Professor. I know you already know. You just want me to say it." He laughed with no humour. "For a Slytherin you're not very subtle at slipping in the surreptitious questions."

"Admitting it is the first step to…"

"Shut up. I know the mumbo jumbo." Harry took off his glasses and rubbed his face tiredly. "If I tell you…I know you'll tell Dumbledore. But there has to be a deal here. If I tell you and you tell him…it can go no further! If it does I'll deny it, I will!" He tried to glare threateningly but his shortsightedness sort of ruined the look. "He can tell no one. And I hope these meetings can end."

"The meetings will end when I think you're better Potter. Then I can leave knowing I…fixed the damage I did."

"You know it's not only you." Harry looked at his lap as he pushed back on his glasses. "You know you're not the first. Why didn't I fight? I didn't…because I was remembering it had happened before. Is that what you wanted to hear finally?" He looked up with a side, twisted smile. "Professor Lockhart raped me in second year. He drugged me with an aphrodisiac then had his way with a twelve year old who didn't know any better. And the worst thing is…I let him. I…did things with him. I responded, I went along with his suggestions…I did things." Harry whispered. "So…so that's it. I hope the knowledge is everything you wanted." Harry stood and looked at his professor before he turned and left the room and Snape, wordlessly.

A/N : I love all you guys! My Christmas present to you!