Part 26

Broken Hearts

Uther had spent weeks asleep and now it seemed that sleep was the last thing he wanted to do. Gaius found him walking the corridors again. That made three times in as many days. He offered Uther a sleeping draught. But he just shook his head and waved it away. Every other night Uther had carried on his way with a benign smile, this time he gestured to Gaius to take a seat in the hallway. The King was calm and deliberate in his movements: his sleepless nights were taking their toll. Gaius, you are my oldest and most trusted advisor...there are things…only you and I know…I want to ask you know if you would advise me one last time.

'Last time Sire? that sounds ominous.'

'No…I do not mean exactly that,' said Uther carefully, 'though it feels that your answer to what I ask you now will create some sort of ending…' Uther looked down at the palms of his hands…then turned them over where his skin was laced with the hard white ridges of many scars.

'Do you remember when I got these Gaius?'

'Indeed I do Sire, you almost lost your hand.'

'If it had not been for Gorlois I would have done.'

'You are thinking on him?'

'I wronged him Gaius.'

'You are thinking of his wife, of Morgan and the child?'

'I am thinking of many things…' Uther looked over at his old friend, his eyes, although tired, were bright with clarity and a gentleness that the physician had not seen there for many years. 'I knew he loved her and yet I had to pursue her,' continued Uther, 'I was such a fool'

'But she was free to choose Uther and she chose you.'

'And I cast her off.'

'And she found him then, she was happy with Gorlois Uther, they were happy.'

'And he bore it like a saint...I never feared his revenge. He was honourable and a true friend. Like you are to me Gaius,' Gaius smiled at him and laid his hand on his arm, here was the man he remembered, before lust and greed and fear overtook him.

'And you too I have wronged Gaius…I own it now…and most of all…' Uther eyes clouded with an old pain, he lowered his head and sighed. 'My son has told me of a place of healing...do you think this is possible Gaius that someone like me…with so many…wrongs to his name…that I might… find some resolution, some peace?'

'Now you are thinking of Igraine,' said Gaius gently.

'Uther gave Gaius an appreciative smile. 'How well you know me.'

'Sire...I believe that what you speak of is possible…if you yourself truly want it…'

'Then I must speak with Arthur,' said Uther rising to his feet.

'It is late Sire,' cautioned Gaius.

'Thankyou Gaius,' responded Uther, placing his hand on the old man's shoulder. 'But I have delayed long enough.'

So saying Uther Pendragon made his way to his sons' chamber to wake him and finally confess his part in his mother's death. What he would also reveal to the Prince was the origin of his own life. That such knowledge could change him forever, Uther was well aware, had he not seen it with his own eyes, felt the blows of his son's fury, but how this knowledge would change him now even Uther could not guess at.

*

Gaius thought of waking Merlin to warn him that Uther was going to confess to Arthur, but the boy was in need of rest, he himself took a while to get off to sleep but was rudely awakened by frantic knocking. He sleepily opened the door with a curse. Arthur pushed his way in.

'Merlin.' he said simply.' He did not come to see me.'

'No,' said Gaius haltingly, knowing what had passed between him and his father. 'No Sire he has only been back an hour or so himself.'

Gaius nodded his permission in the direction of Merlin's room. Arthur gave him a closed look and went across to the door. He stopped and turned to Gaius. 'Does he know?'

Gaius opened his mouth to answer then levelled a direct look at Arthur. 'You need to talk to him yourself Sire.' Arthur grunted and narrowed his eyes.

Merlin was deeply asleep when something woke him. It took a while for his eyes to work properly. He had a feeling something or someone was in his room. Moonlight illuminated Arthur's impassive face and Merlin found himself staring at him for a few minutes before it registered who it was.

'Oh Arthur,' he said raising himself up on one arm and running his hand over his head. ' Sorry, I thought it was too late to wake you. What time is it?'

'Time you were completely honest with me Merlin, I have something to tell you but I want you to promise me you will respond with the truth. Merlin searched his face in the half-light. He could not see his eyes clearly but from his voice he gathered that Arthur was deeply sad.

'I will be honest with you Arthur…you must tell me what has happened.'

'My father came to me… and confessed everything.'

Merlin took a deep breath. 'What did he confess?'

'You tell me.'

Merlin swung his legs over the side of the bed. He looked down at the floor. This was the last bit of the wall he had built for himself, this was the final confidence that he was forced to keep that stood between them.

'Your father went to Nimueh and asked her to help your mother to conceive….'

'Thankyou Merlin, you need say no more. I understand you were under oath. I just wondered if your word was stronger than our friendship. Now I can promise you that from this day forth I shall stand by you whether you perform magic or not. As far as I am concerned we are no longer bound by my father's flawed edicts. It would be dishonourable to uphold them.'

Merlin was so relieved he got to his feet and held out a hand to Arthur. Arthur took it with one hand and with the other grasped his shoulder. We are more to each other than friends now Merlin…' Merlin did not quite understand the comment at first and so did not respond. Arthur continued. ' I am also part of magic, part of everything I was taught to hate and fear.'

Merlin could sense that Arthur was still in a kind of shock. He had spoken as though he was delivering a well-rehearsed speech. Merlin felt thankful for the semi-darkness...perhaps that is why Arthur had come to him now. He didn't know what to say to someone whose whole world had been dismantled.

'Arthur…'

Arthur broke his hold on Merlin and stepped back. There was still something tremendously sad in him that Merlin could only just sense, something that was being buried below the surface of him, buried deeper with each passing minute.

'What did your father say to you?' asked Merlin.

Arthur shook his head and turned to leave as he did so he answered with his back to his friend...'he did not hide from me Merlin, he told me everything that was in his heart...I promised to take him to Heaf...so he can face it all.'

Merlin had not yet told Arthur the whole story about the nature of the enchantment he was about to invoke and how complicated it was to create the illusions in Heaf and now it seemed the wrong time to do so.

'So Merlin,' Arthur added looking at him over his shoulder. 'Do whatever you have to and do it quickly.'

*

What Lillian Said

At Lillian's bedside Merlin had found some comfort. She had told him what she knew of Aidith. Indeed the sorceress had given her life and her love to contain the power of the stone and create the illusions at Heaf. She had had a child, and a husband but they were nothing to her after she performed the enchantment, when they finally found her she did not even know them and what is more they were gradually separated by time as she lived on and they grew older. But they had still come and sat with Brand and Lillian and asked of her until they themselves succumbed to old age and death. Aidith had given Brand instructions to deliver the sword to Aidith's brother and it was to her husband he handed on that charge.

But Lillian then asked Merlin something that gave him hope: she asked if he had seen love in Aidith, if she had expressed it to him in any way. 'I believe,' she said, 'that there was nothing irreversible in the spell and once it began to break down Aidith would have been released, returned to the world a whole person, capable of loving again had she not been there so long that time overtook her.'

Merlin remembered her dying words and their growing friendship. He recalled the affection in her eyes and her gentle touch. 'Yes,' he said, 'I do think she began to feel something again.' Hope flickered in his heart. Perhaps he thought, it will be alright.

*

'Merlin.'

Uther's commanding voice made him start. 'Yes Sire,' said Merlin jumping up from the table.

Uther approached him and slowly undid his sword belt. Merlin took a step backwards, 'Is he going to fight me?' he thought. Uther caught sight of his wariness and smiled.

'Afraid of me? he asked in amusement.

'Not exactly Sire,' said Merlin confused himself by his reaction but straightening up to his full height.

'This I believe is yours,' said Uther, handing his sword to Merlin.

'Sorry Sire,' I don't understand,' said Merlin genuinely surprised.

'Gorlois told me that one day I would have to give it up, he trusted me to do this for him and said I would know who and when…well…' he pressed it to him and Merlin took it.

The King looked around the room as though he were taking his leave of it

'You have, like my son, passed through this forest?' asked Uther, still scanning the room.

'I have Sire.'

'And how did you find it?' Uther brought his full gaze to bear on Merlin now: his blue grey eyes were clear and untroubled.

Merlin cast about his mind for a suitable adjective. 'Excruciating, liberating.'

Uther gave a kind of grunt of approval and nodded.

'My son thinks highly of you Melrin, and will you continue to look after him?

Merlin hesitated. 'I may not be able to Sire, I cannot promise anything.'

At first Uther assumed Merlin meant that his new found station would prevent it and a bristle of annoyance rose in him, then he looked more closely at the young man before him and recognised in him the spirit of a warrior about to enter battle, an uncertainty, a resolution.

'Ahhh I see,' said Uther, 'there is more to this than I realise, but this…the sword, will help you I have no doubt.'

'Yes indeed Sire. It will.'

'Very well…I am pleased,' said the King.

The door was till open behind him and Merlin saw Gaius swoop into the doorway, he stood stock still when he saw Uther in his chambers alone with Merlin. Uther followed Merlin's gaze.

'Ahh… Gaius,' said Uther, 'this boy…' Gaius held his breath. 'he is a credit to you.'

Gaius gave a bow and thanked him for the compliment. Uther met Merlin's eyes and reached out towards his sword. His fingers almost touching it, his hand wavering twice over it as though it were a pet he was handing over, bidding it to stay with a new master. He then acknowledged the two men, the last of the house of Emrys, with a short bow: a gesture reserved for nobility, and went his way.