A/N: First of all, thanks for the kind reviews; I wasn't expecting this to be so well received so quickly :D. Second of all, to be perfectly honest, I don't really have this story planned out. I have things I know I want to happen, and I have things I'd like to fit in if I find a way, but nothing concrete or nailed down. So basically, what I'm saying is… it is what it is. This chapter is one I'm not particularly happy with, but I don't know how else to get to the next chapter, so… here it is.

Part One

Morning came too soon for Brenda Walsh, still suffering the aftereffects of jet lag. It had taken her far too long to get to sleep last night, although she was still wearing the jeans and tee shirt from the night before when she woke. Groggily, she remembered that she'd never washed her make up off, and looked to the mirror with a grimace. She looked awful.

Better get used to that, she thought with a sigh. You won't be in the running for any magazine covers in the near future.

Magazine covers led her to thinking about Kelly's Seventeen cover shoot, which led her to thinking about the whole gang, and Brenda felt a knot settle in her stomach. She was not looking forward to being reunited with her friends, if she could call them that any more. Outside of her family, no one but Dylan had kept in touch consistently when she was away, and she could count their feeble attempts on one hand. David had sent three post cards over the summer, Steve had sent two, Andrea had sent two letters and called once, and Donna had been the most consistent, with five phone calls between June and December. Kelly hadn't called or written at all, although occasionally, if she was at the Walsh house and Brenda happened to be on the phone, she'd say hello.

It seemed out of sight out of mind was a very true statement with this group.

With a great deal of effort, Brenda pulled herself out of bed and headed to the bathroom. She could have just gone back to sleep, but she felt a sudden and dire need to take a shower and wash off all the makeup and airport grime.

"Geez, Bren, can't you knock?" Brandon snapped, and Brenda winced, realizing she'd walked in on her brother urinating.

"Sorry, got used to having my own bathroom," she shrugged, turning away. "I didn't see anything, I promise."

"Yeah, well let's try and keep it that way," Brenda heard a flush and a zipper before she allowed herself to turn around and face her brother again. The annoyance that had colored Brandon's face melted away to concern when he looked at her. "You're not looking so good, Brenda."

"Thanks Brandon," she rolled her eyes. "And here I thought I was one of those supermodels who could pull an all-nighter and just walk right onto a runway. I didn't get around to changing last night, okay?"

"Whatever you say Bren," the annoyance was back, as Brandon finished washing his hands and stalked out of the bathroom. "It's all yours."

Brenda found herself sighing for the millionth time as she started to undress. She couldn't seem to say anything without upsetting Brandon or their parents, like her mere existence was almost intolerable.

"Boy does it feel good to be home," she muttered as she turned on the shower and stepped under the hot water.

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Jim, would you please try to be understanding about this?"

Brandon paused in the hallway. He'd been about to head downstairs for breakfast when he overheard his parents' argument, and he just hadn't been able to walk away. He was as curious as anyone else as to why Brenda had suddenly quit the RADA and packed her bags.

"I'm trying to be understanding, Cindy, but we still don't know what this is!" Jim's voice echoed through the hallway. "She won't talk to us!"

"I highly doubt Brenda would leave London for no reason," Cindy answered back. "You know how much she loved that school."

"It's not like this is the first time she's done this."

"She was miserable in Minnesota, Jim," his mother sounded more agitated than his father at this point, which was rare. "Something is really wrong this time. And you know it."

"I don't know what to believe," his father's response seemed to end the argument, and Brandon thought it would probably be best to get out of the hallway before they headed down to breakfast themselves.

Brenda certainly hadn't seemed like herself since she got home. The first night, she'd shown up around eleven thirty, just as Brandon was getting ready to take Kelly home. Val had already left, and their parents had just gone to bed, believing they had an early flight tomorrow. By the time Brandon got back from the beach apartment, Brenda was already in bed, and even though he'd known she wasn't asleep, she'd pretended, refusing to acknowledge his questions or respond to his presence in her room.

The next day, she'd stayed in bed most of the day, waking up just before dinner - which had been awkward and tense, arguing with their parents, and going back to bed before Brandon got back from the Peach Pit. Even jet lagged, it wasn't like Brenda to spend that much time sleeping, or rather, lying alone in her bedroom pretending to be sleeping. And then this morning, she'd looked like death warmed over, only partly because of her makeup running all over her face.

The fact was, she'd lost weight, and she was paler than he'd ever seen her. Her eyes were bloodshot and tired, and her posture was terrible.

She'd barely looked like Brenda.

Brandon was starting to agree with his mother. It wasn't like Brenda to drop her acting career on a whim, after fighting so hard to get to the RADA in the first place, and it certainly wasn't like Brenda not to care about her makeup, or to sleep in her clothes.

Something was wrong with Brenda Walsh.

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Donna, my friend," Steve sauntered into the beach apartment. "How are you this fine holiday season?"

"Mmm, grateful for the break," Donna closed the door behind him and followed him into the living room, sliding onto the sofa next to Claire and David. "Kelly, Steve's here," she called down the hall. "What brings you to our neck of the woods?"

"Well I was thinking," Steve smiled – beamed, to be more accurate – at them, as Kelly walked out of her bedroom, still wearing her pajamas and a bathrobe. "The judge's orders only ban me from throwing professional parties. There's nothing against a holiday party for my friends."

"Steve," Donna cast a nervous glance in Kelly's direction. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Yeah, I'm not sure people are feeling much like celebrating," Kelly said as she leaned against the back of an armchair.

"Aw come on," Steve pressed. "Brenda's back, Dylan's sober, Donna's turning the big two-oh, everyone's happy healthy and wealthy… well, except Dylan, of course… what's not to celebrate?"

"I don't know that Brenda being back is something to celebrate," Kelly cautioned. "The Walshes didn't seem especially happy to see her."

"And she seemed really happy every time I talked to her," Donna added. "I think something must have happened."

"All the more reason to make her feel welcome," Claire piped in. "I mean, I didn't know her that well, but it is Christmas."

"And where would we have this little shindig?" David asked. "The Peach Pit After Dark isn't ready for business yet."

"So we'll have it here. Or at the Walsh house. Heck we can have it at Dylan's place if all else fails, just as long as we have it," Steve's expression could only be described as triumphant. "We need some happy times around here. Everyone's been too gloomy for too long around here."

"I guess we could have it here," Donna looked to Kelly and Claire, not wanting to make the decision alone. She was especially worried about how Kelly would feel. The last party Kelly had attended had ended with third degree burns, after all. "I mean, for Brenda."

"I'm fine with that," Claire agreed, and Kelly sighed.

"As long as it's small. Just us, okay?"

Steve nodded, letting out a bark of enthusiastic laughter that brought smiles to all of their faces. "You won't regret it!"

~*~*~*~*~*~

After dodging her parents questions over breakfast that morning, Brenda watched as one by one her family members all left the house; Brandon headed off to pick up Kelly, or maybe just to visit Kelly, or something or other, her father went to work, and her mother went out to run errands. No one had offered to bring Brenda with them, and Brenda hadn't particularly wanted to go. Instead, she grabbed her mug of tea – she'd switched from coffee over the summer and hadn't switched back yet – and wandered into the back yard, sitting on a lawn chair and pulling her knees to her chest. Her head was pounding but she didn't want to resort to the pain killers in her purse just yet, although she had carried it out into the yard, just in case.

Sitting there alone, Brenda's mind wandered, passing over her memories in London and wondering when, exactly, everything had gone so wrong.

"You need to shape up," Roy Randolph's voice echoed in her head. "You're missing rehearsals; your head isn't in it when you are there. This isn't the University of California's spring play, Brenda. You can't half ass this and get another shot. One more misstep and you will not be asked back next semester. Your career with the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts, and with the theatre world as a whole, is in serious jeopardy."

"I'm sorry," Brenda had pleaded, to no avail. "I don't know what's going on. This isn't…"

"I am well aware that this is not your usual behavior. I vouched for you, remember? I recommended you to the program. And quite frankly, my reputation is on the line right now. I can't afford to plead your case any more than I already have."

With that, Roy Randolph had given up on her, and although she'd scraped by, managing to pass through to the next semester with almost-decent marks, she had lost her scholarship, and it had taken everything she had just to make herself attend rehearsals every day.

It wasn't that she hadn't been trying; but she'd been beyond exhausted all semester. At first she thought it was just jetlag. It hadn't really affected her when she first landed in England, maybe it was catching up with her.

Or maybe it was the blowout with Dylan that had affected her. It wouldn't be the first time he'd thrown her off her game. All of senior year she'd been in a funk, and her grades had suffered then too. And, from everything she managed to glean of the news from home, he wasn't doing well either. Drinking and drugs and women and comas. It wasn't exactly a happy story.

Or maybe, if it wasn't Dylan, it was the rest of her friends. It hurt to feel so very separated from them – not just by the literal distance, but by the emotional distance that had come to characterize her interactions between them. It got to the point that she was in tears every time she talked to someone, or got a post card or a letter.

The first headache, she'd chalked up to stress. She wasn't performing as well as she normally did, and she knew it. The first time she fainted, she'd chalked it up to exhaustion and stress, and more stress about how stressed she was. After Roy Randolph's angry phone call, she had resigned herself to visiting a doctor to make sure it really was just stress.

Then, she hadn't been able to deny the truth any more.

~*~*~*~*~*~

"You're awful quiet," Kelly slipped her arms around Brandon's neck, leaning up for a quick peck on the lips. Brandon had been at the apartment a good twenty minutes, and had barely said anything aside from 'hello' since he got there, letting the others party plan while he sat to the side, watching them.

"Yeah, Brandon, what do you think?" Donna looked expectantly at him, and Brandon sighed.

"I'm sure it'll be great," he answered. "I'm just not sure Brenda's in a partying mood."

"It's the holidays," Steve exclaimed for the tenth time that morning. "Everyone should be in a partying mood for the holidays!"

"Tell Brenda that."

"She's still in a funk?" Kelly asked, trying to sound sympathetic as she rubbed his arm gently. The truth was, Kelly had very mixed feelings about Brenda's sudden return. Although they had ended on slightly better terms, they still weren't exactly friends, or at least, they weren't nearly as close as they'd once been. When Brenda had left, Kelly had figured it was better that way. Things were so stinted and awkward between them, the distance might help things.

Now… now high school seemed like a lifetime ago. Last semester seemed like a lifetime ago. And the sweet, caring Brandon who'd tried so hard to comfort her over her burns, who'd wanted so badly to protect her and to convince her that she was still beautiful, the Brandon she needed so desperately, was focused on his sister's problems and Kelly seemed to take a backburner. Not that it shouldn't be that way; it just hurt to feel him pull away right when she needed him.

"It's more than a funk," Brandon's shoulders sagged, and his whole body seemed to shrink into itself. "She isn't talking to any of us. She's been in her room pretty much since the minute she got back. She comes out to eat and that's pretty much it. I don't know… I don't know how to talk to her, and I can't figure out what's wrong."

"Well, maybe someone else should try," David suggested.

"I bet she'd talk to Dylan," Steve chimed in. The room fell silent when he said his name, and Kelly could feel everyone's eyes on her, so she squeezed Brandon's arm a little tighter, hoping it was reassuring him.

"They were pretty close last year," she said carefully, but Brandon shook his head.

"I tried to get him to talk to her, but he doesn't think she'd want to hear from him," he answered. He sounded like he'd given up, which worried Kelly. "Something happened this summer, but I'm not sure what exactly…"

"They got back together," Donna said quietly. "In May, before she left."

"What?" Kelly's head snapped over towards her friend, who had her hands in her lap and was watching her own movements very intently.

"Look, I didn't say anything okay?" Donna looked at them all, biting her lip as she did. "I promised Brenda I wouldn't, but if she's really having problems…"

"She is," Brandon's tone of voice told Kelly that her 'problems' seemed to be much more serious even than what he'd let on earlier.

"Well, okay, but still, don't tell her I told you, please."

"We promise," Kelly swore.

"Okay, well, after Kelly left for Washington, Brenda and Dylan kind of sort of got back together. Brenda was really nervous about it, because she was going to be away for the summer, you know? Because of what happened when she went to Paris…"

Kelly's face felt hot as once again she felt her friends' eyes on her.

"And I guess things went really well, 'cause Brenda seemed really happy most of the summer, but then he cancelled a visit at the last minute, I guess probably because he lost all of his money…"

~*~*~*~*~*~

"I don't know what happened," Brenda's voice sounded on the verge of tears as it filtered across the phone line.

Donna had just run into Kelly at the salon, and was shocked to find out Brenda wasn't coming home for school. She'd called Brenda right away; they hadn't talked in a few weeks, but Donna was more than a little hurt that Brenda hadn't told her sooner that she was staying in England. Not to mention the fact that Donna couldn't imagine Brenda not coming home to Dylan now that they were a couple again.

"He stopped returning my calls. He didn't come to visit me when he said he would," Brenda continued. "I couldn't get a hold of him, so I called Iris, and she said she thought he was with me…Finally, I called the place he usually stays in Mexico, and when I tracked him down, he sounded really strange. He told me not to make any decisions around him and I heard a girl in the background…"

"Oh Brenda."

"I didn't want this, Donna," the tears were definitely flowing now, Donna knew without being able to see her friend's face. Brenda's voice was thick with emotion. "I didn't want to get back together right away, because I knew this would happen. I was just… I don't know. I was saying goodbye, and then he kept promising that this time would be different and that I could trust him, and I believed him. God, I'm such an idiot."

"You are not an idiot."

"I AM," Brenda insisted. "And I'm worse of an idiot this time, because we were talking every day for months, not like Paris, when we hardly spoke. And I didn't even know… I couldn't tell that there was someone else."

"Brenda I'm sure that you misunderstood," Donna tried to sound reassuring. "Like in Palm Springs when you thought he was with that girl who was in his hotel room…"

"And I have absolutely no proof that he hadn't had sex with her," the tears started to subside, and Brenda's voice had sharpened slightly. "In fact, I have absolutely no proof that he was ever faithful to me for even a minute."

"Brenda, he worshipped the ground you walked on all through high school."

"Not all through high school," Brenda corrected, and a sniffle came across the line. "Anyway, I finally realized that I cannot plan my future around Dylan McKay, so when they offered me the spot… I'd be crazy not to take it, Donna. A degree from the RADA can make an actor's career. It's basically the difference between being an actress and being a waitress who auditions for parts in her spare time. And you know I hated waitressing…"

"And you're not just staying there to avoid Dylan?"

"Definitely not. He's not a part of my plan at all," she sounded like herself again and Donna wanted to believe her, although months later, when Donna told her about the drinking and the drugs and the coma and Valerie, she'd started to cry all over again.

~*~*~*~*~*~

"In other words, Dylan is probably not the best option," Kelly concluded after hearing Donna's story, inwardly relieved that she and Dylan had never had what he and Brenda had. The whole time they'd been together, Kelly had been jealous of how close he was to Brenda, how much they would always love one another. Of course, Kelly wasn't jealous of how much he hurt Brenda, or how much she hurt him. Kelly and Dylan had been miserable together, but she could honestly say he'd never quite broken her heart.

"What about you, Kel?" Donna asked, looking cautiously at her.

"I don't know," Kelly answered, looking nervously around the room. "We haven't really been close in a long time. Maybe you could…"

"Actually I think that's a good idea," Brandon interrupted, staring intensely down at his girlfriend. "It could give you guys a chance to get close again."

"I don't know," Kelly repeated, still looking at each of their friends. Claire and David were having a separate conversation, looking at each other like the lovers they were. Steve was following Brandon, Donna and Kelly's conversation, but didn't really seem interested.

"It couldn't hurt, right?" Donna looked so hopeful, and Brandon so worried, the Kelly found herself shrugging.

"I guess not," she heard herself saying before she really realized she was agreeing. "I'll try."

~*~*~*~*~*~

Next Time on She Falls Apart : Secrets start to come out, and Christmas is celebrated…