Lily wasn't happy with James. Sirius had agreed to let James tell Lily about them, and what had happened during the break, as long as he left out the details. Not that Lily wanted to hear the details anyway, and at first she was glad James was happy and that things had worked out so well. After a few weeks, however, she began to disapprove. James never stopped talking about Sirius; he obsessed over him all day, constantly spacing out while he remembered a specific time from the break. Lily didn't think the way he was acting was healthy.
"You need to get a hobby or something, James," she had told him almost every day. "Do you really think Sirius would be happy that you don't have any hobbies or even a life now, thanks to him?"
"I have a hobby, I play Quidditch," he almost always retorted.
Lily almost always had the same comeback to that. "Yes, and in case you haven't noticed, you've been injured more times since the break than you had been all last year."
It was true that James was getting hit by bludgers much more frequently than he was used to, but that was the price you paid when your attention was somewhere else. So James had continued obsessing over Sirius, waiting impatiently for the next time they would sneak down a secret passage for some alone time. Sirius didn't seem to mind. On the contrary, he was just as eager to see James.
Lily had stopped talking to James as often as she used to, because the only thing James wanted to talk about was Sirius, and she was sick of hearing it. James wasn't that surprised when he saw her spending time with a new guy almost every day, even if he was a seventh year. He figured they must be dating, and he felt bad that he couldn't be there for her when she was so happy. But he couldn't help but talk about Sirius. He missed his friendship with Lily, but as long as she didn't want to tolerate his relationship with Sirius, James didn't see any way to compromise.
The school year finally ended, and Lily had come up to James on the platform to say goodbye, but it was without any real enthusiasm. She hugged him briefly, gave him a sad smile, then without actually saying anything she walked back to her boyfriend and he slipped his arm around her shoulders. At King's Cross James said goodbye to his friends, lingering over his hug with Sirius for a few moments longer. Sirius would not be coming over to his house for some time, as he had to go home. During the summer they both talked to each other using the two-way mirrors, and each time they did James couldn't help but notice that Sirius was growing increasingly moody. No doubt things at home aren't going well, James thought, and he offered every time for Sirius to come over for a while. Every time Sirius refused, saying he didn't think his mother would approve.
Then one day in the middle of July, Sirius called James's name through the mirror. He had seemed ecstatic about something, and while James talked to him he wondered what it was. When Sirius didn't say anything James asked him if something was up, to which Sirius had said something about a vacation he would be taking the next week, but that he didn't have all the plans figured out yet. Both of them admitted how much they wanted to see the other, and eventually they said goodbye.
The following Saturday was depressing for James. He knew Sirius was on his vacation and James didn't want to bother him if things were going well. If things weren't going well Sirius would surely contact him. James was by himself and lying on the couch, gazing at the ceiling. He thought he might write to Lily and see if they could make amends. He had no idea what plans she had for the break, but he thought that she was most likely doing something with her new guy. For some reason the thought made James slightly jealous.
The doorbell rang, and James got up from the couch to answer it, not really caring who it was. When he opened the door and saw Sirius standing there his knees nearly gave out.
"Hey, mate," Sirius said with a smile.
James didn't know how to respond. He took a tentative step forward, then flung his arms around Sirius and planted a bruising kiss on his friend's lips, which Sirius returned just as eagerly while laughing into the kiss. James pulled Sirius inside, still kissing, barely registering that Sirius was carrying a rucksack, and slammed the door. Once inside they broke apart, and James finally asked his question.
"I thought you were taking a vacation?" He asked while he tried to smooth his breathing.
"I am on vacation. I've run away, and was rather hoping I could crash here for a bit," Sirius answered, grinning widely.
James couldn't take it anymore, and he wrapped his arms around Sirius and started kissing him again. In a matter of seconds they had both removed the other one's shirt and James pulled Sirius down onto the couch.
"Will either of your parents be home soon?" Sirius asked as he undid James's pants.
"Not for another five hours," James answered, stripping off Sirius's pants.
James's parents didn't mind Sirius staying with them, and told him to stay as long as he wanted to. They had never cared for his parents and their pure-blood nonsense, but they would never admit it out loud. Almost two weeks later they were laying in James's bed, both lost in their thoughts. Sirius was lying next to James, his head resting on James's chest and James running his fingers through Sirius's hair, while they talked. James confided in Sirius about Lily and her new guy, and Sirius listened willingly enough, but James's jealous tone was getting on Sirius's nerves. He needed to know, and there was really only one way to find out.
"James, I need to ask you something."
"What?"
"Exactly how do you feel about Lily?"
James was surprised to hear the question come out with such an accusatory tone, and it made him catch the real meaning behind it. He raised his hand off of Sirius's hair and Sirius raised his head to look James in the eyes, wanting to know that James was telling the truth and that he had nothing to worry about.
"Sirius, I won't lie, I care about her very, very much. She was the only one I could talk to about you, before and after I had figured out how I felt about you. She really helped me, but I love her only as a friend." He paused to let that sink in. "You believe me, right?"
Sirius sighed. "Of course, I just wanted to hear you say it." He hesitated. They were talking about Lily, maybe he could just bring it up? "Do you know how she feels about you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, come on James. Can't you see the way she looks at you? She doesn't just want a friendship."
"But but she's dating Luke…"
"James, Luke's gay."
James would have laughed if Sirius didn't look so…well, serious. "What are you talking about?"
Sirius sighed again. "Remus told me he was gay. When I told him I thought you were unhappy with Lily's new friend."
James shook his head slightly, not to disagree with this information, but rather like he was hoping it would make things make sense. "But then…that means they're not dating…" Sirius raised his eyebrows at James. James cleared his throat and tried to make Sirius's accusing look disappear. "Why didn't she tell me? Why did Remus tell you?"
"I just asked, mate." Sirius sighed yet again. James was acting exactly how he didn't want him to. Why was he taking this so badly? "Look, forget I said anything. It doesn't change anything." When James didn't respond right away Sirius got nervous. "Does it?"
"Not between us, of course not." He started stroking Sirius's hair again, absentmindedly. Sirius leaned back down on James's shoulder.
"But it changes something between you and Lily, right?"
"Well, yes and no. It does change something, but not the way I think you're thinking of."
"And what do you think I'm thinking of?"
"You think I secretly like her."
"Not secretly "
"Subconsciously, then. As in, I don't even know it myself."
"Yeah. But I didn't really think you liked her, I just wondered. You were very jealous when you thought she was dating Luke."
"I suppose I was. I don't know, though, I thought it was because I was jealous she was spending more time with him than with me."
"That's not very different."
"No, it is. I didn't care that she was seeing him, I just wanted our friendship back. I have you, Remus, and Peter, sure, but you know how I used to feel about her, and she had finally started talking to me."
For some reason Sirius didn't feel like this was helping. On the contrary, everything James was saying was making him angrier. He stood up and James looked up at him in alarm. "I think " His voice stuck in his throat. He cleared it and tried again. "I think I need to go for a walk."
"Sirius? What's wrong?"
Sirius was already walking towards the door. James followed, but made no attempt to stop him. Sirius was thankful for that, he didn't want to be even angrier at him.
"Will you come back here?"
That made Sirius stop with his hand on the door. James hadn't asked when, but if he would come back at all. Sirius realized how much his leaving would hurt James, but he needed to get out. He turned around and said, "Yes," then he walked out the door.
James didn't know what time Sirius would come back, but he told his parents that Sirius had wanted to go out for a while. Finally James had fallen asleep around 1:30 in the morning waiting for Sirius to come back and wondering what he was doing and if he was even okay. He was barely asleep when he heard his bedroom door open. He didn't look up, but he could tell from the smell that wherever he had gone Sirius had been drinking. James heard Sirius take off his jacket and jeans before he got into bed, and when James felt him sit on the bed and make no attempt to lie down did James finally move. He sat up, putting his arms around Sirius and resting his forehead on his back. Sirius pulled James's arms tighter around himself.
"James, I'm so sorry I left."
"Why are you apologizing? I made you leave."
"You did not. I got up and walked out."
"Yeah, but only because I made you mad. And I'm sorry for that."
"Let's just Let's not talk about it anymore, okay?"
"Sounds good to me." James pulled Sirius down to the bed and curled himself around him as tight as he could. Sirius didn't object, and he soon fell dead asleep. James lay awake a while longer, thinking.