Chapter Notes – A decently lengthy one, but not too bad. Kind of a tough one to go through given all of the emotions involved.
Reviews – Are still super nice! Thank you. More reviews from different folks would be nice too so I know what the other couple hundred people are thinking. Hope you will all continue to enjoy.
Story Length – For those wondering if this is over soon… Well, here are the stats on the unedited version of the story in full… 326 pages, 205k words. I tend to keep writing until the characters stop telling me things to write about. It'll get a little more up-beat too. Fear not.
Back story – Is going up as a separate piece – you can read it published under this title - Remix, The Beginning of the New Ending
Back in Japan, the tour that Bad Luck was on was nearly finished. Eiri planned to be home before it was done. The flight had already been arranged. He was ready to return to that feeling of normalcy, and this time to not try and push it away… At least not consciously.
The next few days after the cemetery visit were spent killing time and preparing to leave. The shrink was pleased with his progress and referred him to a different counselor back home who would hopefully be as no-nonsense as he was. Someone that wouldn't let Eiri walk all over her.
He mailed the majority of the CDs to himself in Tokyo to avoid customs issues, bought a few more the night he left… and then was glad to be on the flight home. He watched the city passing beneath him and relaxed a bit more. One day he would be back, but it would never be the same… and that wasn't a bad thing at all.
After a jarring ride into the city from Narita, he found the front of the building devoid of news media. With his being out of town, they were probably all tailing some other unfortunate celebrity or following the band on tour. Either way it was a treat not to have to fight his way through to the front door. Instead he just walked right in like any other person might. In fact, he wandered up to the front desk and startled the two people on duty there.
"Good morning, Yuki-sama. Welcome home." They bowed to him quickly.
"Uesugi…" He mumbled.
"Excuse me?"
"Never mind. Do I have any mail?"
"Yes, sir."
He ended up with a full bag of mail, towing his suitcase to the apartment, letting himself in… He didn't bother with putting on house shoes. It wasn't the way in the USA. Instead he shoved his baggage into the closet in the front entry, dropping the bag of mail beside it to deal with later then going directly to the bedroom where he fell into bed for some much needed rest. It hit him like a ton of bricks even before he pulled the covers up. He hadn't slept at all on the flight. His mind had been working overtime on all of what would come next
In a few hours he was up again, making coffee the right way, then sitting down in the living area to watch TV in a jet-lagged stupor. He smiled, seeing that news about the band was on. It was inescapable. Things had gone well for them apparently. They were done and returning home to the studio. Shuichi was enthusiastic as usual, completely in 'on' mode from all the approval they were receiving. Eiri had seen part of one of their shows via satellite. The crowd had been just as enthusiastic.
"Well done… You've got big things ahead of you." He nodded and lit a cigarette for his first smoke in a while.
In the afternoon he met with the management at the Tokyo office of his publishing house. They informed him that an agreement had been made with the New York office to publish his work in two languages, allowing him to write both versions and extend his deadline. He explained then that he was dropping his pen name and they were shocked by his news.
"Eiri Yuki is a well known name…Why change now?"
"It is important to me that I carry on from here with my own name, not someone else's."
"Perhaps now is not the best time, given the circumstances."
"Now is the perfect time, in the midst of other changes, to make another. The publicity of this particular change will take care of everything regarding name recognition. I guarantee this."
"How can you be so sure? With your most recent success and all of the publicity surrounding your personal life, your pen name has become even more recognized."
"I am sure of it… Gentlemen, with all due respect, and to be perfectly direct, if you do not intend to support me I will seek other venues. We have no further contract beyond this novel. If you choose to go against my wishes and publish it under Eiri Yuki, it will be my last effort for you."
"Threats are not like you…"
"No, they are not. This is not a threat. It is a pure fact. I have enjoyed our relationship over the years, you have enjoyed the profit and recognition. In the end, I am the only one who will control my fate and business dealings. This is how I choose to proceed. The only question is, will you honor my wishes?"
"If you are certain. You seem to be the best judge of how to organize the strangeness of your life. It hasn't failed so far…"
"Good… I have an interview scheduled with Morning Tokyo day after tomorrow. I will make the announcement of all things at that time. You will see an immediate note taken in the media, I am sure."
"I have no doubt, especially if your living situation continues the way that it has been…"
"It will… It shouldn't concern you. The media is likely to be camped on my doorstep again in a few days. I'm enjoying the quiet for the moment."
"With respect to your relative Seguchi-san, it is not a good thing to be associating one's self with a youth pop band when one is a professional writer…"
"If you have genuine problems with that, let me know. If not, I prefer that you not bring it up again." He scowled.
"We are hoping that you will keep things calm with your return home… and from what I have been reading, his return." Another of the higher ups commented.
"I have no intention of bringing anything but calm to my home. It is unfortunate that the news media will not allow such things. Let's keep things strictly to business matters instead of personal, shall we?"
"That is what we are hoping for."
"Good… If there is nothing further, I have other things to attend to."
A meal was the most important of those things, but he wasn't about to tell them that. They escorted him down the hallways until they came across the President who had a flock of PAs traveling behind him. He stopped and smiled, holding up a hand which caused immediate silence from the bunch.
"Good to see you are back from New York."
"Good to be home again, President Nakumura." Eiri bowed respectfully.
"I trust that you are being well taken care of by our senior staff?" He gestured toward the three with Eiri.
"Of course. They are doing your business justice by expressing their concerns to me."
"Concerns?" He raised an eyebrow, "What concerns?"
He had given the President just enough information to let him know he had been annoyed with their discussion without being direct about it.
"There is no great concern, President." The senior manager assured him with a bit of nervousness in his voice.
"I would hope not. Yet you will tell me what you felt was so important that you needed to speak it to Eiri-san… our most popular author…"
"Of course, President." He explained about the media and the name change.
"Aa… I see." He smiled at Eiri in a fatherly way, "Time for young men to put aside their youth, nnh? You will be yourself again."
"Indeed."
"I am glad… You will ensure that this transition goes smoothly, Satoshi." He addressed the senior again.
"Of course, President. Have no worries."
"The interview you have scheduled will likely do most of the publicity for us. Thank you for that, Eiri-san. I know you are not fond of making such appearances."
"It is important that I speak to my audience in this case."
"I agree. They will have many questions for you beyond your name change, I am sure."
"I am ready to answer all questions." He nodded.
"Good good… I am glad to see you with a smile on your face now and then. That energetic young man must keep you on edge."
"In many ways." He agreed.
"Then take care. I will look forward to seeing your interview… Satoshi… My office. Now."
"Yes, President."
The other two saw Eiri out, being extremely polite to him. It only served to annoy him more, but he had enjoyed seeing Satoshi squirm. He was half starved now and was sure there was nothing left at the apartment so he found takeout and went back to sit wearily in the living room and eat slowly, then fall asleep again only to wake at 1 in the morning local time.
"This is going to take a while…"
He sighed and went dragging off to the kitchen to make tea for a change of pace. He wondered where Shuichi was… Maybe he had gone to his family's home. Maybe he had gone to stay with his friend Hiro. Maybe they just weren't back in town yet.
He leaned in the doorway of the guest room while the water heated, amazed by the mess that had been left behind. At least Shuichi had managed to spare the rest of the apartment his normal level of tidiness. The place he occupied inside the neatness was a disaster area. The computer screen was even covered in dust… So he wandered in, avoiding the floor debris, and wrote in the dust 'dirty dirty brat', wondering if it would even be noticed.
There were papers everywhere. It was Shuichi's way to compose his music and thoughts in black marker on plain, unlined paper. There were lyrics and music scattered all about the place, mixed with his doodling. He picked up a piece of artwork from the pile on the desk.
"Is this supposed to be a drawing of me? You have less talent for drawing than writing, Shu." Little caricatures of him decorated the page, each supposedly displaying a different emotion, "Yuki pissed, Yuki happy, Yuki before coffee, Yuki after coffee, Yuki found broken coffee cup, Yuki loves Shuichi…" They all looked relatively the same… he looked angry, "So that's what I look like to you. No wonder you're in a huge hurry to get home." He chuckled and put the papers down, basking in the mess that was Shuichi's workroom, "This must be what it's like in your brain. Augh…" He left the room and shut the door firmly behind him.
In a couple more hours his eyes were drowsing again. He slept on the sofa. At dawn he was awake again and had breakfast out… and then at 11 he was crawling into bed once more, hoping that his jetlag would be over soon. It was starting to get old.
He wondered if he should call Shuichi's cellular… Perhaps he thought he wasn't welcome, that Eiri's request for quiet included his keeping away from the apartment… But no… Nothing would keep him away for long. He'd show up eventually. He rolled over, yawned and fell asleep again.
Near the end of the tour he didn't hear from Yuki, having decided to let him do as he pleased, call when he wanted to. Shuichi didn't want to annoy him while he was trying to work things through. Thus, he returned home tired and worried still. He dropped his backpack inside the door, frowning at seeing that Yuki's house shoes hadn't moved from the spot he had left them in. He had hoped that he might have returned while they were on tour.
"Yuki… I miss you…" He sighed and changed into his house shoes, wandering to the bedroom… yawning and rubbing his eyes as he crossed the threshold… He stopped short, blinking. "Yuki… Yuki??" He grinned, heart racing.
"Mmh…"
"Yuki, you're home!!" He rushed to the bed and sat down there, happy just to see him to stroke his hair.
"Shhhh… You're so noisy…" Yuki complained sleepily, wincing at the powerful voice. Shuichi could raise people to applause and inspiration when he sang… but when he was overly excited his voice could end up being a grating shriek.
"Sorry… Sorry… You're asleep. I know." He tried to tone it down but there was still excitement in his voice.
"I was asleep." He peeled open an eye to see his expression… Nearly crying and smiling like a fool at the same time.
"When did you get home?"
"Yesterday… I wanted to be home when you got back."
"Really?? That's so nice, Yuki!"
"Shhhh…"
He yawned, then Shuichi found himself being dragged under the covers and kissed for a while to calm him down. Shuichi sighed with contentment as their lips parted again.
"Thank you. I was really hoping you would be back… You look so tired, Yukiii..." He murmured and stroked his pale face, overjoyed to be close to him again but still worried for him, "Are you getting enough to eat? Are you just jetlagged? Are you sick maybe? You don't really feel feverish… Maybe you just need some vitamins?" The questions started pouring out of him.
Eiri decided it was best to manually quiet him again, occupying his lips in a way other than with words. Shortly he felt Shuichi relax, becoming more interested in their closeness than talking… Hands sliding up his chest, lips kissing his in return. Eiri relaxed too, glad that he was home again. Even when grating, Shuichi's voice was a comfort. His closeness brought a feeling of security, safety.
Eiri kissed him slowly, savoring the taste of the lips he had longed to embrace all the while he had been in New York. This was all so different from anything he had known. He parted his lips from Shu's again, pressing their foreheads together, fingers brushing at his soft, bright hair, absorbing the loving look from his shining eyes. Shuichi loved him, unashamedly, truly. No matter how poorly he had been treated, that had never changed.
"I'm so glad you're home." Shuichi whispered, fingers exploring Eiri's face again, drinking in his presence.
"So am I…"
"You really do look so tired though. I'm sorry I woke you up."
"I'm not."
He kissed Shuichi's forehead slowly, enjoying the feeling of his hair falling against his face, his fingertips tracing Shuichi's face, jaw. He wanted to give him a better homecoming, but the fact was that Eiri was still far too tired. It seemed that Shuichi was satisfied even so, for a contented whimper came from deep inside him.
"I'm not the only one who looks tired…"
"I'm exhausted." Shuichi agreed, having been bounced around in the back of a van with band equipment for far too long.
"You should be after so much work… Go to sleep. We'll talk later."
"Okay."
He nestled close and this time, instead of moving to the opposite side of the bed, Yuki's arms went around him, holding him close, lips pressing to his forehead again. It was more than Shuichi had ever hoped for and he had a hard time keeping still. Eventually exhaustion won out and he was soundly and comfortably asleep beside his lover once more.
Shuichi woke from his sudden sleep to the pleasant feeling of Yuki kissing him, pulling him out of his clothes.
"Oh, Yuki… I love you…"
"Thank you… for not giving up on me…" He murmured against Shuichi's throat.
"I'll never give up on you."
"I'm glad… Shuichi…"
There was something very different about this time. Something so much softer, more loving. Yuki didn't even get up and go have a smoke to be alone when it was over… There had always been a separation, like he was trying hard to distance himself from their intimacy. This time he just held Shuichi afterward… and Shuichi was in bliss, laying in the curve of Yuki's long, warm body, feeling kisses moving slowly along the back of his neck and shoulder.
"I have some things that I need to tell you." Yuki said slowly.
"Things? What things?" He started to feel that familiar panic rise inside of him, "You… You're staying, aren't you?"
"Yes, I'm staying. Don't get upset… I wanted to explain… I understand now what happened to me and why you made me remember. I remembered it all…" His arms tightened around Shuichi, pulling him back against him tightly, face pressing to his shoulder.
"Are you all right? Yuki?" He turned his head a bit to see if he could see Yuki's expression but his face was mostly hidden from view.
"Mmh… It is going to take me time… maybe a long time to recover from what I've remembered. I'm not sure if I can ever really fully heal actually…"
"Maybe… Maybe you should see some sort of professional counselor to help. You shouldn't have to do this alone."
"I'm not doing this alone… I'm doing this with you… If you'll stay with me."
"I'm not going anywhere." He relaxed a bit, hugging Yuki's arm around him.
"Good… I have been seeing a counselor for years now, off and on. That is where I was going all of those times you wondered where I was… I have taken medication for depression, and other things. They increased my dosage just before I left because things were getting worse for me… I started to think of suicide."
"Yuki…No…" He whined, brow furrowing.
"I think the medication made things worse. I had such horrible headaches… I couldn't concentrate… Nose bleeds… Everything tasted bad… I saw a doctor while I was in New York who gave me something else and it cleared my head up a lot. It helped me to remember too."
"That's good… isn't it?"
"It is. I did a good job of suppressing the memories. I think I will need more constant counseling for a while. I was referred to another counselor here… It might help you to understand if you come with me."
"I will." He nodded, squeezing Yuki's hand, "Whatever you need… Just ask."
"I need to tell you why…" He stopped.
"Tell me, Yuki… Please. No matter what it is, I want to know everything."
"You always asked me… I think you might not really want to know."
He listened to Yuki's mellow, even voice laboring through the painful tale of his youth, the trauma he had endured at 16. It was heart wrenching, hearing the details and knowing how it had been festering inside of him for so long. All Shuichi had known before--or rather had the hint of--was that Yuki had killed someone when he was younger. Now he knew that it was more than one person and the reasons why. Yuki didn't censor a thing, nothing was left to his imagination any more. It was all he could do to keep from throwing up, sobbing, screaming… He just lay there like a rock, his heart pounding, eyes wide, hugging Yuki's arm tightly around him… Yuki's hold on him not slacking either.
"…I tried to distance myself from life, really. I didn't want to trust anyone, be close to anyone... Just decided to be alone… and then there was you… You wouldn't leave me be. All of those feelings... All of those memories that I had tried to bury were digging their ways out of my head. The want for trust but the fear of betrayal. The want for love but feeling empty. Sick inside." He stopped at last.
Shuichi gulped, waiting to hear if there would be more, but there was just silence. He hadn't imagined anything even close to this… and if he was feeling this upset just from hearing about it, he couldn't imagine what Yuki… No, Eiri… was feeling. Opening up after all of those years.
He took a deep breath and released his death-grip on Eiri's arm then turned over, facing him now, looking into a hollow expression, "I will never betray you. I love you. I will go with you every day you go to counseling. I will do whatever I have to, whatever you need for me to… Yuki was a horrible person… What he put you through… it's unforgivable. You don't have to suffer from that any more… If I had known, I never would have called you by that name."
"I will never use it again… but it doesn't hurt me when you call me that. You've always spoken to me with affection and honesty and some times frustration... Some times too loudly." He smiled slightly.
"Sorry…"
"You are a good person, Shuichi. I have trouble trusting myself with believing that because I have been so wrong before… but it is getting easier the more strange things you do in order to follow me around… I am still surprised you followed me to New York."
"I would follow you farther, but I'm not sure there's much farther you could go."
"I won't leave you again unless you tell me to." He kissed Shuichi warmly, "I told you once, before I was ready to ever promise such a thing, that I would be yours… I want to be ready, but I don't know if I can ever be the person you want me, or need me, to be. I just don't know right now…"
"I have no idea what you think I need that's so tough." He tried a little smile, "I just want to be with you, to be happy with you, for you to be happy with me."
Eiri nodded, "The problem is, I don't know what is going to happen to me over the course of the next few weeks, months… years." His expression was fading again, growing darker, "I've treated you like shit, and the things I've put you through have been unforgivable. There's nothing I can do to take that back. There's no apology that I can make that will be adequate."
"I never asked for an apology. You don't have to take anything back."
"But I want to… I really do want to."
"Then that's more than enough of an apology for me… Okay?"
"All right… It won't be easy for a while…and I have no right to ask you to put up with me any more…"
"Shut up." He whined, "I forgive you, already. It hasn't been easy all along. Doesn't mean it's not worth it… I think that it will actually be easier now in a lot of ways, because I think you actually want to be here with me now… Eiri… I'm not going anywhere. I'm so glad you came home." He squeezed close, stroking his soft golden hair and snuggling his face against Eiri's cheek, "So glad…"
"So am I… I never thought I would feel glad to be back in Japan…" He hugged Shuichi in silence for a while, feeling his tensed muscles starting to slip their knots one by one, "Hey… I saw a bit of one of your concerts on satellite. You've done really well."
"You really think so?"
"I know so."
"Thanks… Umm, are you hungry? I'm totally starved."
"Very."
"Okay! I can cook for you!" He shifted away a little, smiling at Eiri's look of disgust at the notion.
"No. Your cooking is awful. We're going out."
"That's not very nice…"
"I know. That's why we're going out."
"You're so mean to me." He sighed and then his face broke out into a full grin, "It's so good to have you home!! Yay!" He pounced on Eiri, kissing him and biting his ear.
"Hey! Don't try and kill me all at once!" He struggled for freedom as the pillows went flying.