Disclaimer: I own nothing pertaining to Dark Angel, except a YouTube account to watch the episodes over, and over again.
Max woke up later in the morning wrapped in Alec's arms. She felt more rested than she had in a long time. She twisted around so that she was facing him, and watched him sleep trying to sort out her feelings.
On one hand she knew that he was a huge pain in the ass, and that he could be unreliable a lot of the time. He had lied to her, almost gotten Logan killed, almost killed her and Joshua, and lost her the cure. But on the other hand, he'd always been there for her when she needed back up, even when she knew he had somewhere better to be. The stupid missions Logan sent her on that needed a two-man team and she dragged him with. The rainy days when she would pawn her long runs off on him. Whatever it was, he grumbled and complained, but he never told her to get lost.
'Even though I probably deserved it half the time' the thought made Max frown. But before she could try to analyze it, Alec stirred, his eyes fluttering open. "Morning," she said softly.
He blinked a couple times to get the sleep from his eyes, "Hey. You alright?" The anxiety for her woke him up fast. Her stomach twisted at the thought that she was his first concern.
She gave him a small smile, "Yeah, I'm fine now. They're usually only an hour a most, so yesterday was a long one." She stopped talking and looked down. Remembering the pain that had plagued her entire body the night before was not exactly pleasant. She hated the feeling of helplessness that came with the seizures. She had been created to have the perfect body. Her 9 years at Manticore, and her recent six-month stint there, had taught her how to stay in control of every muscle, and tendon in that body. Max was so used to feeling completely in control, that when she got the shakes, she felt as though her body had turned on her.
Alec, noticing that Max was deep in thought used a finger to pull her chin back up. "Whatcha thinking about Maxie?" he asked softly.
The profound look of grief in her eyes threw him for a second. He wasn't expecting her to be bubbling with happiness or anything, but he definitely didn't anticipate that look. Max usually had fire in her eyes, brought on by her passion for life, or something he said to get a rise from her. The next words out of her mouth rendered him speechless with the shock.
"I deserve the pain that the seizures cause."
Alec blinked, "I'm sorry, what?"
Max turned her head away from him so that she was looking up at the ceiling. "I said I deserve the pain that I get."
Even with his over-the-top IQ, he couldn't for the life of him understand where this was coming from. "What are you talking about Max? No one deserves that pain. Except maybe White, but he deserves a hell of a lot more than that anyway."
"I'm serious Alec! With everything I've done over the years, I should be punished." Her voice was filled with anger, hiding the desolate sorrow beneath.
"What could you have possibly done to warrant that Max? Even if you did, which you don't, don't you think I'd have to pay too? I ain't exactly a saint over here."
"You were forced to do those things by Manticore." Her voice grew softer, "I wasn't." She got off the bed and went into his kitchen. It was one of the nicer ones in TC, even had a fridge. More importantly, it had a coffee pot. She got it ready, and set it brewing. She didn't know where Alec found one, but she was grateful for it right about now. After a few moments he followed her out of the room. He watched her prepare the coffee mutely. He didn't want to push too hard and make her retreat into herself. After a minute or two, he went and sat on the couch.
When the pot was ready, she took down two mugs and poured. He mumbled his thanks as she placed one of the cups in front of him. She sat down on the couch, one leg curled up underneath her. They sat, sipping in silence.
"So are you going to explain what you meant in there?" Alec asked quietly. Max looked up at his voice but didn't say anything. "Come on Maxie, it's not like you could've done any worse than I did. Those missions Manticore sent me on, yeah it was their fault, but I pulled the trigger. I have that blood on my hands."
She looked at him, "Don't assume that just because I wasn't at Manticore that I don't have blood on my hands Alec."
"Max, Ben was a…"
"I'm not talking about Ben, Alec."
"Then who?" he was confused to say the least. Who did Max kill? Why would she do that? This is Max, straight-laced, honest, stick-to-the-moral-ground Max.
"It wasn't all cake when we escaped, you know. Everyone here assumed that because we got out, life was easy for us. I wish." Her biting tone had Alec slightly worried for whatever he was about to hear. Not because he would hold it against her, but because she'd been carrying it around for so long, another secret she had to keep. "We didn't know what we were getting into. None of us knew anything about the outside world. When we got out, we were separated, and I lost all contact with them. I didn't know what to do. Zack had a plan, but he wouldn't tell us what it was until we were out."
"So if someone were caught, you wouldn't be able to compromise the rest of the group." Alec understood that. It was one of the things he'd kept from Manticore; the less that people have to know the better, for them and for you.
"Yeah, well that would have been swell if I hadn't missed the recap session. They all had a plan, a way to contact others if they were in trouble. I had paranoia, and suspicion to get me through. Running day after day. Not eating for a week because I didn't want to be caught stealing. Once I finally got far enough away to feel semi-safe I had to get money somehow. Got real good at lifting wallets." She took a long pull from the coffee mug. "I met a guy a few years after the escape, Tony something or other. He'd seen me break into a building, and his curiosity was peaked at my, abilities. He said he would pay me good money if I pulled off some heists for him."
Alec was staring to get a better idea of where this was going.
"It was small stuff at first. Jewelry stores, bars, that sort of thing. Then, as he realized the extent of my skills, he sent me with his main crew to hit the big stuff. On my first job out we were hitting this club. The owner had been a rival of his for a while, and he wanted him taken down a notch."
Max took a breath. She wanted to get it all out before she lost her nerve. "One of the guys on the team; Don, was trying to pick the lock on the safe. He couldn't get it but didn't want to be shown up so he wouldn't let me take over. The guards from the club came in. They started throwing punches, I started snapping necks. I killed four people in less than three minutes and I didn't break a sweat, didn't feel any remorse. All I did was ask Don how long it would be. The others backed away from me. I saw the fear in their eyes and I didn't care." Her voice broke on the last word.
Alec had put his coffee on the table as she talked. He slid closer to her on the couch, and put his hand over hers. He kept silent knowing that reliving this was hard enough for her without him saying something to mess it up even more. She squeezed his hand tight, drawing strength from him. Suddenly she pulled away and stood up. She started pacing back and forth.
"Max?"
"They weren't the only ones. Unless Tony specifically told us to leave little collateral damage, I didn't injure, I killed. After a while I'd saved up enough so that I wouldn't have to work for a while, so I left town." A tear streamed down her cheek, "I don't even know how many people it was. Close to fifty."
Alec sat speechless on the couch. He never imagined that… He knew who he had killed. They had kept detailed logs of all their assignments at Manticore. 31 confirmed kills, including all the collateral. It wasn't the highest count of the X5 solo operatives, but he still thought that was a high body count. For her to have killed almost fifty… He couldn't imagine what she was going through.
Max watched his face as he processed all of this new information. She could read each emotion that crossed his face. Confusion, shock, and the last was a mix of understanding and pity, but it couldn't conceal the disgust in his eyes. She felt her stomach drop. He thought she was horrible, he was disgusted by her.
"It's all you knew." His whisper broke her out of her downward spiral of thoughts.
"That's no excuse –"
"It's not an excuse. It's the truth." Alec stood up and grabbed her shoulders. They were standing barely a foot away from each other. "I know you Maxie. You wouldn't have done those things if you knew any other way. You wouldn't even let Joshua kill White after everything he's done to us. You didn't know how to survive out here. You did the best you could."
"I have nightmares Alec. I'm haunted by faceless people begging for their lives, by children crying over graves of lost parents. I'll never be able to undo what I did back then. These seizures are my penalty for everything I've done." Max couldn't stop the tears now they flowed freely down her smooth skin.
His hands left her shoulders. They wiped away tears, and gently cupped her face. His voice stayed strong though. "No, Max. The seizures are just one of the many things Manticore did wrong to screw up our lives. They are not a penalty, for you or for anyone."
"How can you even stand to look at me now that you know what I am?"
He smiled faintly, "I've always known what you are Maxie. You are a stubborn, demanding, controlling chick who has to shove her nose into everyone's business. You are a protective, loyal, visionary who, although tries to hide it, cares immensely about all of her friends. You are a transgenic who has the guts to stand up for all of us, and push to get us our freedom. That's what you are Maxie."
She pressed herself into his chest, and wrapped her arms around him in a death grip. Alec held her securely, and whispered calmingly to her. They ended up back on the couch, still entangled in each other.
Max calmed down, but wouldn't release her hold on him completely. She knew that he wouldn't hold her past against her. He would have forgiven her for starting the apocalypse. Now she just had to forgive herself.
Yeah, so I wasn't planning on putting up another chapter of this story, but as I looked through some of my old stories, this started to take on a life of its own, and wouldn't let me stop until it was done. Please review and give you absolute honest opinion on it!