Chapter 13: Waltz de Chocobo
"Five hundred gil." The lady repeated, her voice getting even more aggressive.
I glared at the sales woman in anger. How the hell does a replacement coat cost 500 gil. I would have thought one hundred, if the leather was extremely good quality (shows how much I know about clothing), but this lady wants me to give her five times the amount I had anticipated.
"How does a coat cost five hundred gil?" I demanded. "It doesn't even have sleeves!"
"That's the reason it doesn't cost 750 gil." The saleswoman snapped back. "And we sell at half the price of stores in Junon, Midgar and the like."
"Then those other stores are ripping people off." I declared. "It ain't a tuxedo, I'm not asking for the snappy black suits that have become stereotypical of the Mafia, or the blue suits that the Turks are known for."
"This material does not come cheep!" She cried out. "Behemoth leather is very hard to come by."
That last sentence stopped my response short.
"Behemoth leather?" I asked, wide eyed.
"What did you think the coat was made out of?" The woman answered, indignant. "Chocobo hides? No, that coat is made from the finest Behemoth leathers you'll ever be likely to lay eyes on."
"Behemoth leathers?" I asked again, blinking. "Whose bright idea was it to hunt Behemoth's for clothing?"
"I dunno. Makes for fashionable wear though. Very popular with the rich kids."
My coat is made out of Behemoth leathers? I didn't even know that Behemoth hides were usable in that way.
"I thought Behemoths were a purplish blue?"
"And cows are black, white and spotty, yet you can get bright RED coats made from cow hides." Was the annoyed answer.
"But I was under the impression that Behemoths were dangerous..." I started, but was cut off.
"Hence the reason for Behemoth leather being the most expensive you'll find. The danger in getting the leather is the reason for the high prices. Do you honestly think that we'd sell such good quality leathers cheep, when they're so dangerous to obtain?"
"Ok, I'll take it." I sighed, pulling out my wallet and sliding the appropriate amount of cash.
My replacement coat, combined with the new t-shirt (the bullet didn't spare what was under the coat just because it had already cost me a small fortune) and belt pack to store future items in (I only have so many pockets here) made the total sum come to 550 gil. I still have a feeling I'm being ripped off here, but something told me I couldn't win this argument. Grunting, I slid off the old coat and tossed it to the side; let some poor sap think it was a shoddy product for sale, maybe file a law suit against this evil bitch. I had bought the t-shirt and belt pack at a different store, this particular shop was primarily a gothic store. I had put on the belt pack and t-shirt prior to entering, sliding the pack so that it was easily accessible, while still being out of the way, and so that it was hidden while I wear my coat.
I was about to put on my new coat, when a small something hit me in the face. I managed to catch it before it dropped to the floor and looked at it. A sewing kit. I shot a puzzled look at the woman how had thrown it at me.
"You adventurers. You never think ahead." The saleswoman accused. "You can't go replacing your clothing every time it gets a small rip. Learn to fix your own clothes."
"I don't sew." I growled.
"Learn. The kit is free of charge." She snarled, before grumbling something about kids these days.
Shaking my head, I stuffed the damn thing in my pack and exited the store. Maybe Aeris or Tifa would have a better use for it. Outside, I found Red waiting patiently for me.
"Is the war over?" He asked, rhetorically.
"Very funny." I grunted, aware that being a canine, his hearing probably allowed him to hear the argument. Or was that feline?
"Barret was just getting to the point where he was going to leave without you." Nanaki informed me, nodding his head in Barret's general direction.
"Let's go then." I sighed.
Both me and Red walked over to where Barret was pacing. When he caught sight of us, he growled something incoherent, and moved to intercept us.
"Yo finished satisfying your vanity?" Barret snarled at me.
"I ain't vain!" I protested. "Just because I'd rather not travel the world with a bullet hole in my clothing."
"Whatever!" Barret hissed, punching a random wall.
"Now what did the poor wall ever do to deserve your wraith?" I asked, sarcastically.
"It was a shade of red I happen to hate!" Barret answered, with a sadistic grin.
"I'll keep in mind not to wear clothing of that particular shade of red." I muttered, only half joking. "Anyway, it's time to get going. You else the others will get bored off waiting at the farm and bugger off without us."
Barret nodded. And it was thus, that we started out journey to the Chocobo Farm. Now, if this was a normal epic quest, we would face great peril, see many natural wonders, and lots of things like that. However, travelling to the Chocobo Farm was not and epic quest. It was a small part of one, and was barely worth mentioning, but I shall, just so you get the full story.
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Two days later
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"Son of a BITCH!" I cried out, as yet another rock hit me in the face.
This is not what I signed up for. Battling monsters, that was what I signed up for. Well, if you want to be technical, I didn't actually sign up, Jade just hurled me in and said 'you're beating up Sephiroth in Final Fantasy VII'. But that's just a technicality. I can't think of much that would stop me from just giving Cloud and co the finger and leaving the group. Jade never said I actually had to be a part of the group that killed Sephiroth, did she? I mean, what would stop me from returning home if Cloud beat up Sephiroth without my assistance? He'd probably be better of, too. But, of course, where's the fun in that? Besides, I wanna see how Sephiroth reacts to being called a mamma's boy. Hopefully, it won't include Sephiroth deciding I'm the threat to his plans, not Aeris.
Anyway, as I was saying, before I started of on my ramble. I'm here to battle Monsters, Shinra (despite the fact that they fall under the afore mentioned category) and Sephiroth (who also falls under the first category). Not, to have rocks thrown at me by these annoying little mutated squirrel wannabes. And what really annoys me, is that I seem to be the only target. Red hasn't had a single rock thrown at him, and the only two that headed towards Barret missed.
I've tried shooting at the squirrels, I've tried running and slashing at them. I've even cast fire at them whenever I saw the little blighters. No, the only thing that works is freezing the tops of their holes, sealing them with ice. But I can't catch every hole before one manages to lob a rock at me. So I have now got a face full of bruises. Not only that, but I'm hungry. The one snack I'd had left after two days of hiking, and one of the little bastards actually had the gall to run up to me and steal it as I was about to take a bite. And, according to Barret, and a map he'd picked up somewhere in Kalm, we were only halfway to the farm.
I'm not going to make it...
Seriously, I'll either die from all these rocks being thrown at me, or I'll starve to death, and shrivel into nothing, as my stomach tried to digest itself. You know, I wonder what toasted Zen, or whatever those creatures were called, would taste like. Knowing my luck, they'll be poisonous, and despite having a full stomach, I'll still be dead. And then I'd never get to call Sephiroth a mamma's boy. Or shoot him. Or get to do any of the cool stuff that'd happen later. 'Cos I'd be dead. We should have bought more food to eat for the trip whilst in Kalm. Barret had gotten some food, but he didn't get enough for two days of hiking, and I'm pretty certain we have yet more days of hiking to go before we get there.
I was cut out from my train of thought as yet another rock hit me in the face. I drew Talon and fired repeatedly in the general direction that the rock had come from, but as usual, the little hell spawn escaped my wraith. One of these days, I am going to come back here, and slaughter every one of those things. And then burn the bodies and then hurl the ashes into the sea.
"I wonder why they only seem to be throwing rocks at you..." Red mused aloud.
"Because they're racist against lizards." I answered, sarcastically.
"Maybe it's the fact that you're wearing the leather of a Behemoth for a coat. They smell an intruding monster, and so they're acting against the monster." Nanaki continued, ignoring me.
"You're blaming my coat for the rocks that have been thrown at me?"
"Only logical explanation." Red nodded.
"Even if it is the reason, I'm not throwing away my 500 gil coat." I declared, crossing my arms.
"You won't have to. The more you wear it, the more your scent covers it, so eventually; it won't smell like a Behemoth at all. It'd just take about another day or two of non-stop wearing it for that to happen."
"So by the time that has happened, it'd be pointless." I muttered, sourly.
"Not at all. Do you think some of the larger monsters will ignore the strange monster's scent? They'd probably be the ones to actually attack you."
"Joy." I grunted, as sarcastically as I could.
"You have my sympathies." Red told me, just as another rock made my forehead its landing zone.
Do I have a headache? Yes. Who wouldn't after being hit by so many rocks? I also have a black eye. Don't think that these creatures were sparing the eyes, I'm lucky it was only the one that came anywhere near my eye. I have a feeling that something as drastic as losing your eye can't be healed with any magic or elixirs. Why do you think Red is missing an eye?
"How much longer 'till we get there?" I asked Barret.
"Two days." He grunted, staring at the map. "If we don't get attacked."
"If anything attacks us, I know who to blame." I muttered.
He most likely tempted fate with that second sentence. Yup, now if we get attacked, it won't be because of my coat, but because Barret jinxed us. That makes me feel much better, knowing that I'm not the reason that we all die a horrible death at the hands of some creature that we couldn't kill... Who am I kidding? Of course it'd be my fault, because I smell like an intruding monster.
I was once again torn forcefully from my internal musings, but this time, not by a rock hitting me in the face, once again, but a pickup truck headed towards us. The driver inside must have noticed us, because he was slowing down. Me, and my two companions stood still, watching the truck come to a standstill. The window went down, and a man stuck his head out of the window, looking at us.
"Headed my way?" He asked.
"Depends on where you're headed." I replied, not trusting Barret to answer without somehow insulting the man.
"I'm headed to my farm, at the east coast." The man informed me.
"Then that'd be where we were going." I said.
"Ah, yes. The farm always was a handy resting place for travellers." The farmer grinned. "Want a lift?"
"That'd be great. Thanks." I nodded.
"I'm Chocobo Bill." He greeted, holding out his hand.
"Spike." I introduced myself, accepting his hand. "The big guy is Barret and my other companion is Red."
"I'll take it you're saying Red as a name, not stating the colour of his fur." Bill laughed. "Just hop on back, and we'll have you to my farm before the hour is up."
Best news I'd heard all day. No more hiking for however long it takes to for Cloud and the girls to get to the farm. Just rest, relaxation, and chocobos. With that thought in mind, I hopped up onto the back of the truck, followed closely by Barret and Red. I sat down on one of the crates and watched as the landscape started moving. The truck started driving, heading in the direction we had been hiking, taking us to our destination, without the hassle of rocks being thrown at me.
"So what exactly do you do at a chocobo farm?" I asked Bill. "Besides raising chocobos for riding?"
"We also farm their eggs." Bill answered. "Though we mostly just raise them and sell them to racers, and the occasional person who uses them to travel. We just struck a big deal with the Gold Saucer, so right now; we don't have any mature chocobos for sale."
"What kind of deal with Gold Saucer?" I questioned.
"They just bought all of our stock for double what they would normally have cost. We're just waiting for them to send someone to pick them up."
"I see. Business is good then?"
"Yup. You wouldn't think so, would ya? What with all these new cars an' all. But Chocobo racing is just about the most popular sport around at the moment."
Unable to think of anything else to say, I stretched and watched the scenery pass by. In almost no time at all, we arrived at Chocobo Bill's farm. It looked exactly as it did in the game, pen for the chocobos, barn, and the farmhouse. Bill parked the truck besides the barn and hopped out, putting on a straw hat.
"So, what're you up to, now that you've arrived?" Bill asked, turning to us.
We paused a moment, thinking. After a while, I spoke up.
"Seeing as you gave us a ride here, we're actually a couple of days ahead of our friends." I admitted to him. "You mentioned that this is a handy place for travellers, does that mean you do a bed and breakfast?"
"Yes." The farmer nodded. "It's not five-star, but its cheep. There won't be much for you lads to do. I doubt you'll want to help out around here."
"We'll find something or other to do." I assured the man. "Maybe you could help us though."
"How so?"
"Have you seen a strange man come by this way? He was most likely wearing black, and had silver hair."
Bill frowned a moment, pondering.
"Now that you mention it, there was someone like that headed towards the marsh."
"Where's that?" Barret asked.
"To the south. You have to cross the marsh to get to the Mythril Mines."
"Maybe we could investigate before Cloud gets here, try find out where Sephiroth might be going." Red mused.
"I wouldn't recommend you do that." Bill spoke up. "That man you mentioned? If he did try to cross the marsh, he's probably dead. The Midgar Zolems are in the marsh, they're the reason the mines were shut down."
I glanced at my watch, checking the time. It was getting late, so...
"We'll talk about this tomorrow." I declared. "If nothing else, we get some training against the smaller monsters."
"Yes, it is getting rather late." Bill agreed. "I'll go tell the wife to put on some dinner."
With those words, the farmer walked into the farmhouse. I turned to my comrades.
"So, tomorrow morning we check out this monster in the swamp?" I asked.
"Indeed, that would be a good idea." Red agreed. "We can try and find a way around it if need be."
"How hard can it be, anyway?" Barret put in. "We took out dat monster in Hojo's lab."
"Yea, it can't be too much harder then that, can it?" I said.
"So, first thing in the morning?"
"Sure."
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The next morning, after a simple breakfast of beans on toast, we headed out. The marsh was a three hour hike away, but after all the relaxing we got to do last night, it wasn't so bad. Plus we actually got to sleep on a nice comfortable bed, rather then the ground whilst inside a tent. So, it wasn't so bad. And Red was right, the monsters now ignored me, as my scent covered over the scent of Behemoth leather. No more rocks being thrown at me.
So, it was just the normal attacks by the normal enemies, all of which we easily beaten. In the end, me, Barret and Red made it a game to see just how many we each managed to kill by the end of the hike. I lost, though not by much. It was mostly because Red can smell anything coming in to attack us from a mile off, and those that he misses, Barret doesn't exactly have to do much to kill anything, just point at it, and there you go, a nice gatling gun aimed at the poor sucker.
The marsh was a very... swampy place. I know, state the obvious, but that's the only way to describe it. I could see the mountain range on the other side. So we need to cross here to get to the Mythril Mines? I can honestly say I'm not looking forward to walking across (bare feet remember). Hopefully we can catch a chocobo without too much hassle. Red sniffed the air, shuddering.
"I can smell quite a large number of monsters, and the faint trace of whom is presumed to be Sephiroth." Red informed us. "I also smell a lot of blood, but I can't tell who's... or what's."
"Anything else?" I questioned.
"Yes... I never want to smell such an awful smell again." He declared.
Barret squinted, looking in the general direction of the Mythril Mines.
"Wha? I see somethin' big comin'!" Barret boomed, pointing his gun-arm at a large black thing that was indeed moving towards us very rapidly.
I slid Talon from its sheath and tensed. As it got closer to us, it was clear what it was. A snake. A giant snake. It slithered up to us and stopped a hairs width away. We stopped breathing, hoping, yet knowing it wasn't to be, that it would sod off. Since when would we be so lucky? The snake's tongue flicked out, and the monstrous snake turned to look at Barret. I wonder if it has hypnotizing skills. Best not wait and find out.
Red started the attack by casting Fire at the snake, which probably would have shrugged it off, had it not been for the lack of arms. No arms, no shrugging, see? Ok, I'll shut up. The snake didn't care that it had just had a fireball smash into it, just pausing, briefly, to give an annoyed glare at Red, before rearing up to its full height. Both Barret and I opened fire. Regrettably, I got the impression that most of the shots we fired merely bounced off of the snake's hide. Add that to the fact that no matter what Red cast, the snake wasn't bothered in the least, and it was easy to tell just where this fight was going.
"I suggest we retreat!" Nanaki yelled over the noise of the gunfire, whilst skillfully dodging an attack from the snake.
Barret nodded. Both he and Red turned tail and fled. And where was I? Still fighting, having not heard a word Red had said. And, being the prat that I am, hadn't realized Barret had stopped shooting. Well, I did, after being sent flying when I was too late in dodging a tail whip. The flying part would have been fun, were it not for the loud crack in my ribs and accompanying pain. Other then that, it was all fun, before landing, just in front of the two runaways. It wasn't that far, since they had only just started running, but the snake wasn't doing anything now. I laid there, staring at the sky in shock. That, was not something I wished to repeat. I know how they feel on the Matrix, when a single kick sent them flying. It didn't feel good.
"Are you alright?" Red asked, surprise evident in his voice.
"Peachy." I replied, rubbing a hand across my ribs.
It didn't feel like I had any broken ribs, not that I'd know what a broken rib would feel like. Fracturing could be a possibility, but that isn't as bad as an actual broken rib. I can't just position my ribs properly before healing after all, can I?
"Why were you not fleeing with us?" Red questioned, after a pause.
"You guys were running without me?"
"I thought you heard me shout out the retreat."
"I was busy shooting at a giant snake!"
"Yo..." Barret interrupted. "Dat snake is comin' toward us."
Both Red and I looked back the way we'd come and saw that indeed, the snake was slithering towards us. And fast.
"This time we run together." Red declared, giving me a pointed look.
"Gladly." I muttered.
Red cast thunder on the snake, and unlike the fireball, this one made the serpent pause. We didn't hesitate to use that break to play coward, and run away, our proverbial tails tucked between out legs... oh wait, Red doesn't need a proverbial tail, he has a real one. Well, win some, lose some, I suppose.
The snake chased us for a grand total of 10 seconds, before it realized that it was a lost cause and buggered off. It was only after another five minutes before we decided to slow down though. Giant snakes scare us. We panted, struggling to refill our lungs with air after the mad sprint.
"I can see why we'd need a chocobo." I said, sinking to the ground.
"Indeed. The farmer wasn't exaggerating the danger of the Midgar Zolem."
"Do ya think they got Sephiroth?" Barret asked.
"I doubt it, but we can always hope." Red responded.
"Figures."
"Let's get back to the farm." I grunted. "We can try and talk Bill into loaning us a couple of chocobos or something. And we do still have to wait for Cloud and the girls to get here."
Barret nodded, mumbling something about how all this walking was making him hungry. To tell the truth, I'm a little hungry myself. Good incentive to get back to a nice, comfortable, and monster-free farm, no?
And it was thus, we walked all the way back to the farm, having gained nothing but a near death experience. Wow, what a bargain.
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Upon getting back to the farm, we were met with a pleasant surprise. Well, we actually met them just outside the farm. Yes folks, its Cloud and the girls. Somehow, they arrived a whole day before what it would have taken my group had we not hitched a ride... what was he doing? Not sleeping the entire trip?
"You're late." I grunted, sarcastically.
"You're early." Cloud grunted back.
Yes folks, we real men don't speak, we grunt. It's an ancient tradition going back to the time when we married women by dragging them by their hair back to our caves. We didn't speak then either. Grunting, the basis of all communication. Though somehow I doubt the women grunted at that time, I have a feeling they'd be more screaming their displeasure at being dragged around by their hair.
"Stop grunting and start talking properly." Tifa glared at us.
"Yes ma'am." Cloud and I, like the spineless guys we are, obeyed.
Ah, tradition sucks anyway.
"So, what have you found out?" Cloud asked.
"That Sephiroth was seen going across the marsh to the south, towards the Mythril Mines." I answered. "We were going to check it out, but we learnt that Farmer Bill didn't over-exaggerate the local monsters. The only way to cross is with chocobos."
"Well, there are six in the pen." Cloud pointed out. "Let's just ask the farmer for a couple."
"Easier said then done." I muttered. "He told me yesterday that he's sold all of them to Gold Saucer. At most we can rent them, but how do we return them?"
Cloud crossed his arms and pondered, briefly.
"We'll see how talking to him goes." Cloud shrugged, finally.
The spiky blond walked over to the pen and glared at the chocobos, as if blaming them for being sold. One of the chocobos walked up to him and warked softly.
"Yeah, wark." Cloud sarcastically agreed with whatever he envisioned the bird saying.
I jumped in surprise when all six of the birds leapt to attention. I opened my mouth to ask something, but the words were lost when the chocobos started to dance. Each bird took a couple of steps forwards, before rotating their heads clockwise. They then took a couple of steps back and rotated their heads in the opposite direction. They then span around, before leaping into the air.
One of the chocobos broke from the formation and started rubbing its head against Cloud, warking softly. The other five continued, despite the absence of one of their number. The five repeated the previous act, and after they did their leap into the air again, the chocobo that had been cozying up to Cloud returned to the ranks, and they started pairing up. The pairs circled each other several times before one of them leapt forwards, while the other ducked under the airborne partner, effectively switching places. This repeated a couple more times before the birds stopped.
I stood there, mouth hanging wide open. It took a couple of seconds before coherent thought reached my mind. After it did, I burst out laughing.
"That has got to be the best five minutes of my life!" I laughed.
Behind me, I could hear several of the others laughing, their thoughts finally reaching their brains. Cloud looked completely bewildered, staring at the chocobos, eyes wide. Eventually he turned towards me.
"They mistook me for a chocobo?" He asked, slowly.
"I'm guessing it's yer hair!" Barret laughed. "Maybe we should call you chocobo head."
Cloud seemed to regain his thoughts at that, and he glowered at the Mr T wannabe. He then looked at something in his hand, before looking at me.
"Here, you can have this." He mumbled, tossing a red orb at me.
I snatched it from out of the air and examined it. A summon Materia. Shrugging, I slotted it into my last free Materia slot. I should try buying a bangle at some point, just for the extra Materia slots. Or maybe I should try buying a different watch. There was that watch that had 8 Materia slots wasn't there? I think it was the precious watch. Maybe I should just get one of them. Double use as well, Materia slots AND tells the time.
'Hello, kupo.'
Wait... I know that voice came from my head, but that wasn't Spike... was it? I'm pretty certain his voice wasn't squeaky... nor would he ever say kupo.
'Oi, this is my mind, go find your own!'
That one was Spike, and he just shouted at the first voice. Which means I'm either hallucinating, or I've gone schizophrenic. Neither sounds to appealing to me.
'There's room enough for both, kupo.' The strange voice snapped. 'What are you anyway?'
'Me? I'm a lizard, what does it look like?' Spike again. 'And I was here first. Sod off.'
Ok, I am very close to breaking down. Why is there a voice in my head that I've never heard before?
Who are you? I asked mentally.
'I'm Mog. My choco-companion is still in the Materia, kupo.'
Oh... I have a summon in my head. How does equipping a Materia orb allow the summon beast to enter my head, uninvited?
I don't suppose you could go back there unless I need you in my head could you? Only my head is crowded enough with the lizard that hasn't got a choice in the matter.
'Fine, kupo. Your wish is our command.' Mog agreed.
Oddly, it didn't sound disappointed at the dismissal. Maybe it could tell that I would consider talking, assuming I was really bored, of course. Somehow, a constant barrage of kupos every other sentence did not sound very joyous.
"Erm... Spike?" Cloud asked, waving his hand in front of my face. "Are you alright? You've been staring at the same spot for a couple of minutes now."
I slapped the hand away from my face and glared at Cloud.
"I'm sorry, but I'm trying to figure out how equipping a summon Materia to my weapon would allow whatever creature it is to enter my head unbidden." I snapped.
"Weapons are an extension of one's self." Cloud answered. "Though in some cases that's more true then others. I can't explain it, seeing as I'm not the expert in such things, but it's normal. Its like how you can't use the lightning Materia equipped to my sword or Tifa can't use your fire."
"One of those things that can't be explained except by experts, but they tend to explain in some strange language that us mere mortals can't understand then." I rolled my eyes.
"Exactly." Cloud agreed.
Wonderful. You realise, of course, that I am not going to let any summons we get into my head 24/7. I'd rather they stay out unless I need to ask them something or other, or am just that bored.