1,165 words without ANs! new record!

So, we actually finished this sometime last week (I'm thinking Thursday or Friday) on a sheet of paper because I forgot my Palm. Lucky for us, Allen remembered where we left off, so we got the last 1/2 a page done and BAM. Instant win. So here ya are, not but a week or so later.

Real Title (not enough room to type it): What If Allen Didn't Know About the Birds and the Bees?

One day Allen, Lavi, and Krory were sitting down to a nice lunch in the Order's cafeteria. When out of the blue Lavi asked the most random question:

"So, how did you learn about the birds and the bees?"

Krory spewed Cranberry Juice all over the place and his face became flushed from embarrassment.

"Eliade kinda...um...taught me with, um...visual aids," He said, staring into his glass. Lavi's face flashed through a series of emotions; first anger, then jealousy, then pity, and back to disgust.

"So, Allen, how did you learn about the birds and the bees?" Lavi asked.

Allen, with an absolutely clueless look on his face, asked, "What do you mean?"

"You mean, you've never had the talk!?" Lavi and Krory asked simultaneously.

"Well, Mana and I talked all the time, but General Cross wasn't that big on words…" Allen said, still a bit confused.

"Krorykins! It is our responsibility to inform Allen about the wonders of life!" Lavi whispered to Kroy. "You go first."

"Why me?" Krory complained.

"Um… What are you talking about?" Allen asked, clearly uneasy by the whole thing.

"Well…when a man and a woman love each other, they'll hug and kiss, but sometimes that's not enough," Krory began.

Lavi, seeing Allen's completely clueless expression, decided that Kroy wasn't getting the point across. "Allen, pretend you wake up one morning and find Road lying naked next to you. What do you think happened?"

"Um… we both took showers… and didn't bother getting dressed?"

"No – you should think you laid her."

"You mean, like, putting her to bed? I guess she's still young enough to be tucked in…"

At this point, Reever walked by caring a stack of papers as tall as Skin was bald.

"Oh Reever, could you come here for a minute?" Lavi asked.

"Sure thing," He said as he carefully put the stack of papers on the table and plopped down next to Lavi. "What's up?"

"You see, Krorykins and I are trying to teach Allen about the birds and the bees, but he doesn't seem to be getting the point. We were wondering if you could help."

"What? Allen's never had the talk?"

"No, not really," Allen mumbled. "Whatever that means..."

"Okay, so when a man and a woman love each other-" Reever started.

"We already tried that approach," Krory interjected.

"Then I got nothing," Reever said with a disappointed look on his face. "Hey, I know! Let's ask Komui!"

"Are you sure that's such a good idea?" Lavi inquired.

"It'll be fine," Reever reassured him, not sounding reassured himself.

"Absolutely not! No way! I have no time for such nonsense!" Komui barked over the din of machinery in the Science Department. "Go ask Lenalee!"

"But...She's a girl!" Lavi stuttered as a look of pure shock spread across his face.

"So what? She knows more about the birds and the bees than you do. I made sure of that."

Everyone was too stunned to say anything as they wandered off to fine Lenalee.

After searching the library, training room, and cafeteria, they found Lenalee in the kitchen, preparing coffee for the science department. The group quickly explained the situation.

"I'll...do my best to, um, help," She said as her face flushed with embarrassment.

"That's great!" Lavi said with a look of an embarrassment on his face. "We'll be over here, pretending nothing's happening."

He, Reever, and Krory scooted out of the room rather quickly, not wishing to see the next events.

"So, um, what do you want to know?" Lenalee asked an equally as awkward Allen.

"Um...Everything?" Allen said questioningly.

Lenalee's eyes went wide, and if possible, she became even more embarrassed.

"I've, uh, got to go...Why don't you go talk to the gatekeeper? He sees everything."

And with that, she stumbled off in some random direction, muttering about coffee and her brother.

Out of seemingly nowhere, Lavi, Krory, and Reever appeared.

"Well, that went well," Lavi said.

"You were watching?" Allen asked in shock (and possibly amazement).

"Yes," Lavi admitted quite bluntly.

"I say we take her advice," Reever added.

And with that, they went to the front gate.

The gatekeeper was much easier to find than Lenalee, considering the fact that he barely ever moves.

As Lavi explained the situation to him, the gatekeeper's face remained emotionless. When he finished, the gatekeeper still had no reaction.

"Uh...Hello? Can you help us?" Lavi asked. Almost instantly the gatekeeper began to yell at the group.

"Absolutely not! How the heck am I supposed to know about the birds and the bees! Just because I see everything doesn't mean I'm a peeping tom! Go asked Jerry! His motherly disposition should be put to good use."

Seeing the conversation was obviously over, the group left to go find Jerry.

Jerry was in the usual place: the kitchen. He was diligently preparing a pot of his famed Brussels Sprout Stew, but he wouldn't say what it was.

After briefly explaining the situation to him, Jerry's eyes lit up like fireworks on the 4th of July.

"Of course! I'd be happy to help Allen with his problem!" He chirped.

20 minutes later, Allen was way more confused than he had been before.

"Ah, but, uh...What's with the rabbit and the hole?" Allen asked innocently.

Reever, seeing another confusing explanation coming, interjected with, "Okay Jerry, I think he's had enough for one day."

Just then, Kanda walked in with a bowl of half-eaten Soba noodles.

"Yu-chan! You gotta help us!" Lavi yelped. "Allen never had The Talk and we're trying to give it to him, but we're failing terribly. You're our only hope!"

"Moyashi's never had the talk?" Kanda said with a glare.

"Yes!" Everyone exclaimed (except for Allen, of course).

"Moyashi, come with me," Kanda said with another glare as he walked over to the pantry. He flung open the door with a third glare and barked, "In".

Allen walked over very slowly and cautiously, and he was barely in when Kanda slammed the door shut.

The door remained closed for 10 minutes, and when it did finally open, it was clear Allen's mind would never be virgin again.

"Yu-chan, you didn't have to put it that bluntly!" Lavi whined.

Kanda looked at him, and slowly, a very evil-looking grin spread over his face.

"Careful Lavi," He said, "I may have to give you the talk, too."

Everyone avoided Kanda for the next 3 weeks, and no one saw Allen for a month; for they knew that is was not what Kanda had said, but what he had done that forever changed Allen's mind.

Mwahahar. Believe it or not, that last paragraph was all Allen's idea. None of my Yaoi Fangirl side had anything to do with it. However, the whole "wake up one morning and find Road lying naked next to you" thing and the line after it was my idea. It looked really funny in my mind (Allen: ZOMFG WTF?! ROAD?! Wait...Why is she naked? ...What happened last night?). :3

Idea by Allen; Written by Allen,; Edited by Road/Fou; Published by Road.

Yeah. Fou helped us out on this one (I think; either this one or the last one). Constructive criticism very much welcomed. Flames will be used to somehow help find out what's wrong with Sparky.