Kurtis vs the cat

AN I've moved on from Alistair bein' gay. Ma pal got this cat, but her brother hates it, and it inspired me for this chapter.

Disclaimer : I don't own Lara Croft, Kurtis Trent, Winston Smith, Alistair Fletcher or Zip. But I do own the cat.

Lara woke with a start at Kurtis screaming, "WINSTON!!!" For god's sake what is he moaning about now. She forced herself out of the covers and slipped her housecoat on. She opened the door of her bedroom and leaned over the banister. Kurtis was standing on the settee with a broom in his hand, pointing the bushy end towards a small kitten, sitting on the coffee table. Winston had bought himself a cat and everybody loved it. Except Kurtis. He claimed to be 'allergic' to cats but he swore that the cat it out for him.

"Kurtis! It's 3 bloody AM." she said yawning. "Why did you scream half the house down?"

"It's that stupid thing that you call a cat, that's what it is. I wake up this mornin' to the smell of pish and realise it's sprayed me, then I get up and put my boots on. It's crapped in them. I come downstairs to put it outside and then he's ripped up my favourite shirt." he held holding up a black T-shirt that has been torn to shreds.

"Put it outside?! It's a kitten, you don't put them outside." she began to walk downstairs.

"Lara. I don't care what you say. But that's not a cat." he stepped back as Lara picked it up, edging as far away from it as possible. "And I swear that every time it hisses it says 'Kurtis'. And what's with the name. 'Angel'. My ass. I should've been called Satin."

"I didn't name it and your overreacting. It's just a little kitten." she stroked it's fur and Angel purred while closing his eyes.

"OVERREACTING!!!"

"Exactly my point."

Alistair and Zip came rushing out of their rooms, Alistair with an ornament in his hand, Zip with golf club. Winston also came slowly walking out of the kitchen with frying pan. "What's goin' on?" Zip asked.

"That thing that you call a cat is pissin' me off."

"It's just a cat Kurtis, mate. Calm down."

"CALM DOWN!!! The thing should be kept on a leash. It belongs in the wild!"

"Will you please stop screaming. Are you trying to give me a hearing aid?" Lara asked while she placed Angel down and walked back upstairs. Everybody else returned to their quarters, leaving Kurtis and Angel. Angel hissed. "Kurtis".

His eyes widened. "You're turning them against me, aren't you?" and he stormed upstairs, leaving Angel spraying the furniture.

XXXXXX

Kurtis was in the kitchen, making a sandwich, wearing oven mitts, not the best thing to be wearing when preparing a sandwich. He was alone and that was exactly why he was wearing them. He new that Angel would be lurking somewhere, waiting to pounce on him, and the oven mitts were the closest thing to a barge pole that he had. He took a bowl out from the cupboard and placed it down on the counter, filling it up with Angel's cat food. He opened the kitchen door and flung it out as quickly as he could, slamming the door shut again.

He turned back to his sandwich. He placed a slice of bread down, buttered it and then went to the fridge. He was starving. He pulled out : ham, cheese, pickles, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber and mayonnaise. And Lara says I have weird taste buds he mused. He opened the ham and placed the slices down on the bread. Next was the cheese. He unwrapped the packet and started to slice the cheese. Which was quite difficult because he was wearing padded gloves. He placed the cheese down on top of the ham. Next the pickle. He put the pickle down on the chopping board and got a vegetable knife out of the drawer. He tried to slice it but couldn't because at that very moment a bird flew into the window and Kurtis cut his finger besides the fact he was wearing gloves.

After he put a Winnie the Pooh plaster on. He made his way to the garden door to look at the dead bird. He opened the door and Angel came rushing in. He ignored his hissing and looked for the bird. There was none. "It's smarter than it looks" he sighed. 'It' being Angel. When he closed the door and turned round, he saw that his sandwich had been eaten. "No. I don't think so. You're foods out there." he placed the gloves on and held Angel at arms length. He flung him roughly out the room and turned back to his sandwich.

He was at the exact same spot when a vase broke from in the living room. "Brake everythin' you want 'Satin', I'm not leaving my sandwich."

Finally Kurtis finished making his sandwich and decided to eat it while watching TV in the living room. He opened the door to the lounge while taking a bite of his sandwich. When he looked up, his plate dropped to the ground and his mouth fell open. Lara, Alistair, Zip and Winston were standing at the front door, Lara holding a shaking Angel. "Kurtis, what did you do to him?" Angel had been lying in torn shreds of the couch and almost everything in the room was broken. When Angel had walked towards Lara, he limped, making it look as though Kurtis had hurt him. "I didn't do anything! That cat has got it in for me!"

"So we just found him here, limping and everything broken while you were stuffing your face like no tomorrow, and you had nothing to do with it?" Alistair asked.

"Hey. I didn't do nothin'. The deranged thing even jumped into the window to eat my sandwich!"

"How is a kitten that's not even 4 months old meant to jump on a window?" Lara asked beginning to walk upstairs.

"I dunno. Maybe it has springs or somethin'"

Alistair and Winston disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Kurtis and Zip alone. "I didn't do anythin'!"

"Look, I believe ya. Woke up this mornin' after your screaming parade, and found my two best computers insides, out. I was the only one awake and the CCTV showed 'Angel' in the tech room. And then when I was checking the alarm systems in the Trophy room, Angel came runnin' in and knocked everythin' over. I picked him up and he hissed my name and stuck his tounge out when Lara came walkin' in. I think it's out for me. And you."

"Finally. Somebody who beliefs me." Kurtis said before turning to the mess in the seating area. "Better get started on this." he sighed.

XXXXXX

Alistair was in his room, reading over some notes of Avalon. He heard a slight purring and scratching noise at his door. He opened it and Angel skipped in quite happily. Alistair knelt down and started to stroke the cat. Angel lifted his paw and punched Alistair before running off onto his bed and tearing his duvet cover to shreds. "Angel!" Alistair exclaimed. "Alistair" Angel hissed, and then leapt towards Alistair.

Lara and Kurtis were downstairs with Winston, playing happy families. The heard a deafening scream coming from Alistair's room and rushed upstairs and into the room. Alistair was lying on the ground, wrestling with Angle. Kurtis was pleased to see that Alistair was winning, "Allis! Allis!" he started to chant, punching his fist in the air, but stopped when Lara gave him a deadly look. If looks could kill, not only would he be six feet under but he would be rotting with cockroaches and slugs squirming out of his eye sockets. Ah, what he had to look forward to with life with Lara. He cleared his throat. "Erm. I mean, Satin, Satin. Erm, Angel, Angel."

"Master Alistair. If you (pant pant) don't mind me (pant pant) asking (pant) what on (cough) earth are you (spits blood out) doing?" Winston asked, just arriving after running as fast as he could up the stairs, which was at like 50 yards an hour. "Angel just leapt at me and then tore my sheets apart and then attacked me again." he said, holding Angel at arms length while standing up. "But, (cough) Master Alistair (spits more blood out) Angel wouldn't-" Winston couldn't finish his sentence, as he fell to the floor unconscious.

Lara ignored Winston. "Kurtis. Have you drugged Angel? He's acting awful strangely recently."

"Lara I told you I didn't do anything! Who are you going to believe? The devil in a cat's body or the man your meant to love?!"

"I would believe him Lara." a man said behind them with a South American accent. They turned round and Lara's mouth dropped to the floor in shock. "Larson?!"

"Yes M'am?" he tipped his head in a slight bow.

"I thought you were dead! And what are you doing in my house?"

"Well, me and my friends have decided to form a club. It's called the (takes big breaths) Larson's-club-for-people-with-no-friends-when-we-act-like-babies-and-pretend-to-be-hobos-some-days-and-fairytale-characters-other-days." he let out the breath he was holding.

"I'm sorry, what?" Lara asked.

Larson took another deep breath, "It's called the Larso-"

"No, I got that bit. But what are you doing in my house?" she walked towards him, while Angel continued to attack Alistair, Kurtis joining in on the fight.

"Didn't you hear. Today's hobo day. I need a place to stay."

"Larson, the last I heard you had a house."

"Really? Why did nobody tell me?!"

"It's your house, people probably thought you knew." she sighed and closed her eyes. When she opened them, Larson was watching Kurtis, Alistair and Angel fight, yelling. "A tenner a match, tenner a match!"

"Larson, get out of my house."

"Really? I thought YOU were in MY house. Strange." he stood up and walked don the hall into Lara and Kurtis' room. Lara sighed and turned to the wrestling match. She forced the three of them apart and lifted Angel into her arms before storming off after Larson.

Alistair wiped the blood away from his arms. "Angel was so strange. He wasn't behaving like that before." Alistair wondered aloud.

"He always acted like that!" Kurtis stomped and followed Lara.

"Larson! Get out of our bed!!!" Lara screamed as Kurtis entered the room. "And she blames me for tryin' to burst her eardrums" he muttered to no-one in particular.

"Who's bed. You and who?" Larson asked.

"Me and Kurtis'!"

"Who's Kurtis? That old man on the floor?"

"Haha! Very funny Larson!"

"Well, it must come naturally 'cause I wasn't makin' a joke."

"This is Kurtis." she pointed to Kurtis standing beside him.

"Aw. That's less. Disgusting. Who's he again?"

"Larson, you really are thick aren't you? Now get out of our bed."

"Fine. You spoil all my fun." he huffed.

"When have I ever spoiled your fun?" she said stroking Angel.

"Well, first you kill me, then you-"

"It doesn't matter. Goodbye Larson." Larson got up and walked to the window. He pulled the curtains open and jumped out. He landed on a horse and then rode away into the sunset yelling "Yeehaw!" to passers-by.

"Thank god he's gone." Lara sighed.

"Erm. Lara." Kurtis started, looking over her shoulder.

"What's it now?" she sighed.

"Angel's over there." he pointed behind her. Angel had made his way out of Lara's arms during the conversation with Larson.

"Wow. That's so interesting." her words dripping with sarcasm.

"Look." he turned her round. She almost fainted at what she saw. Angel was in the en-suite bathroom, scratching at the tiles on the floor. He had knocked over all of Lara's perfumes, squeezed the tooth paste over the floor, dumped their toothbrushes in the toilet, ripped the shower curtain and cracked the mirror. How a small kitten would do this, she would never know."Winston!"

As soon as she shouted the words, Angel ran up to Kurtis and started clawing at him, hissing "Kurtis" he flung it off him and onto the bed. "See. Did you hear that? Kurtis. It hissed my name!" Just then, Winston burst into the room, panting and wheezing. "Yes (pant pant) m'lady?"

"What have you done to little Angel?"

"I haven't don-"

"What?! Sorry, Winston. But can't you see that that cat isn't completely normal. It needs to be put down!"

"We are not going to put it down!"

"It's me or the cat. In fact, it's me, Zip, Alistair or the cat."

"Fine! You don't have to be so angry all the time" she picked Angel up and kissed him on the top of his head. "Lara" he hissed.

She held him out and looked at him. He stuck the tip of his tounge out and leant his head to the side. Why do cats always do that?

"See. Did ya hear that? It hissed your name!" Kurtis laughed, finally he was winning.

"I know. It's SO cute!" she hugged Angel.

"What? Wait-" but before he could finish, Angel suddenly attacked Lara, clawing and scratching at her face. She pulled him off her and put him into Winston's waiting hands. "That cat just attacked me. It can kill you lot for all I care, but when it messes with me, that's the end of it. I want it out. And you can go with it Winston."

"Excuse me, Miss Croft?" Winston asked, stunned.

"I want you and the cat out of here." she handed him an already waiting suitcase from under the bed. "Bye. You brought him here. So you can take him back. You did get him from South America after all."

"But it took 6 weeks for him to get here. And he's not even been in here for 1!"

"I don't give a fuck! That cat has proved to me it's evil and I couldn't give a shit about you. Bye bye"

"You've changed your tune." Kurtis whispered.

"Don't even get me started on you, Kurtis Trent!"

Winston sobbed his way down to the front door and out of the house. He was on his way to the gate when Larson came riding on his horse and stopped beside him. "Hi! I'm Larson!" he said cheerily.

"Winston.(sob) Lara's thrown me out (sob)."

"You can live with me! Today's hobo day." and Larson helped Winston onto his horse and then galloped into the distance, while still in ear shot of Croft Manor, Angel bit Winston. "Lara was right, Angel!"