My lyrics! XD! My sucky, weird lyrics, babehhh! :3
Long time no update. I forgot this storeh. Again. You can't blame meh. We still have a LONG way to go from here, XD! Seriously. This chapter is for our darling Casey/Rosay, who turned 13 today, XD! LOTS OF LOVE! :3 Lots of Matt angst, as you like! A Jeff/Matt chapter, just them, XD!
16 – Pretending
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Jeff looks over at the cat.
The source of his desolation…
Dead.
Dead cat.
His thumb traces alongside the fur of the golden tabby cat, the used to be vibrant fur has dulled, fallen, so frail between his fingers and he lets out a soft whimper, as he stares at the cat's face, the eyes are so shut, so…
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Then he hears a scream.
A familiar scream…
"JEFF! JEFF! WAKE UP!"
The sound of his brother calling out to him had snapped Jeff's eyes open as he stares at Matt, his stomach burns with horror as his eyes bubble with tears that fall from his face, the wet strands of his hair that he'd specifically put in a bun the other hand had sprayed out in front of his face, as he hyperventilates.
Matt's hand cups Jeff's cheek as he kisses Jeff's lips, soft and quick.
Gilbert cringes. He can never get used to his sons kissing but he has to…besides, they're not doing anything too… sexual just yet.
Matt's arms wrap around Jeff's body as he rocks Jeff back and forth for a moment. Jeff's alarm clock jolts up, the time glistening 6:00 AM.
"Why does he have his alarm clock on 6? He starts school at 8." Gilbert asks, his eyes widened at the screen as Matt sighs. Gilbert hasn't really gotten used to Matt's schedule…
Hell, he doesn't even know Matt's schedule.
Jeff slips out of bed. "Better go shower then."
Gilbert's eyes widen as the scene of his son hysterically sleeping snaps back into his head. "You're not going to school."
"What?" Matt speaks up, his voice slightly higher…no, Gilbert isn't going to ruin Matt's schedule.
No.
Matt's head throbs.
'Can't control anything, can you, bitch?'
The voice is strong.
Matt bites his lower lip and stares at his father before nodding his head. "He's going to school. He's missed far too much and I'm not going to let him stay here, even if he may be a little scared."
"He's traumatized!"
"You know what fear is?!" Matt screams out, his eyes threatening to bulge out of his eyes. A thousand fresh memories replay themselves in his head, snowflakes of memories, as cold as ice, and too horrifying for the mind of the eighteen year old. "Fear is the feeling you get, not from watching senseless horror movies, not from a simple nightmare, fear is the feeling you get when you plunge a knife through someone's spine and watch them die as you died on the inside and realize that this is all too fucking illegal…fear is having to run away from the police in the darkest of nights, having nowhere to turn to and nothing but a jeans and sneakers on you in the dead end of winter! Fear is having to find yourself in a fucking asylum because you're crazy and you think different…fear…fear…"
Matt lets out a soft whimper, his eyes focused onto Jeff's horrified face. "Fear is having a voices talk inside of your head…when they tell you things, things that seem completely normal to you…as if it's so fucking normal to hear that your best friend is a drug addict, or if aliens are coming to our planet just in search of me…I'm not a freak…it just sounds so normal…that's what's so fucking scary. That's fear so don't you dare tell me you think Jeff is traumatized! Because I know what trauma is! I was sitting down on a hospital bed because of it…"
"Matt, he's just 16!"
Matt's hard brown eyes widen. "And I was just 12 when he grabbed me and raped the fucking hell out of me. I was just 13 when I realized that I was different from everyone else, that I was insane…I was just 15 when my soul got ripped out of my body and I was left with nothing but this incredible bang of pain in me… I was just 16 when I almost died…"
'Almost dying means nothing.'
"Matt, please, not everyone is like you…" Gilbert tries to persuade him.
"No, you leave me with the only thing that I can control!" Matt exclaims, his eyes harder than ever as he stares down at the floor. "This is the thing I live for. This schedule…and I won't let Jeff out of my sight. I know what he does 24/7 so don't get in the way of it."
It isn't just an order.
It's a threat.
Matt turns around, his back exposed to Gilbert as Jeff nods and walks towards the bathroom. "Hurry up!"
Gilbert sits down to watch Matt tidy up the room as if he's a Maid.
He realizes how organized Matt is.
He makes Jeff's bed and fixes the books on the floor according to the name of the title and puts Jeff's laundry according to color.
By that time, Jeff pokes his head out of the bathroom where Matt gives Jeff a pile of clothing and Jeff looks down at what Matt had chosen before sighing and locking the door.
Gilbert just stares. "He's 16…he can pick his own clothes."
"No." Matt says, his voice rough.
Jeff walks out in a plaid green shirt and jeans, both of which are loose but Gilbert can see what Matt is seeing; that Jeff is completely and utterly covered.
"Jeff."
Jeff sighs. "But Matt-"
"Sit down."
Jeff sits down onto the floor while Matt takes out a round brush and pulls out a scrunchie from the table, black with its sleek shine as he combs Jeff's hair and secures it into a ponytail, knowing that when it dries, it's going to be completely and utterly straight. Matt walks out of the room for a moment while Jeff stares down at the floor.
"He's treating you like you're a little child."
Jeff just nods at his father. "I can't do anything about it. Matt has like this rigid schedule he has me on—and himself—Matt cares about control because he can't control himself sometimes and he thinks that controlling everything makes it all perfect…because it's self control is what got him into this mess." Jeff stands up and sits beside his father. "Ted told me about it. That Matt got raped at first when he'd broken a glass picture and cut himself. He just started crying. Matt didn't choose to be a Maid before. He just had to do it since nobody else was going to do it. He went to you—well, the shapeshifter and he made fun of Matt…then I guess he just grabbed him or something and hit him against the wall. He called him names and accused him of being a slut but when he dresses up well enough, he complains him of trying to hide stuff. Matt just can't seem to please that guy and it affected his entire life… when he got raped, it was because he started shouting at me, screaming profanity, when I flunked my Math exam…and the guy just raped him…I don't know how it felt for Matt but you know, he looked exactly like you…he just can't get used to anything."
Gilbert just stares at Jeff, not knowing what to say to his tainted son.
"Just trust him on this schedule thing for a while. Sometimes, Matt just can't control himself even when he is trying to control everything."
Gilbert nods once more.
Jeff walks out of the door while Gilbert goes downstairs along with him to eat a bit of breakfast.
Jeff grimaces at the oatmeal but eats it anyways, pouring a bit of honey so it tastes better while Matt buckles the white belt of his black pants. Jeff just stares at him before grabbing onto Matt's hand, 'eat something, Matty."
"No."
Jeff decides not to argue.
Gilbert is about to open his mouth to say something but Jeff shoots him a look of desperation.
"Goodbye, boys."
"Goodbye!" Jeff calls back, grabbing onto his shoulder bag while Matt grabs onto the dishes and cleans them, wiping away everything as he wraps around his hair into a ponytail, rushing out behind Jeff.
Gilbert just watches, blinking.
He just has a feeling that something's going to happen.
He just knows so.
"Wait…where's Shannon?" it slaps his head hard as he looks out of the window to see Shannon sitting down, Blink in his lap as he gazes over the road, his eyes filled with tears that he desperately tries not to shed…
God…the poor child…
"Jeff."
Adam pokes Jeff's shoulder to wake him up. Jeff stares at Adam with bloodshot eyes, 'huh? What's going on? Is it over yet?"
"No, we got another period of Chemistry." Adam sighs, looking down at where his notes were supposed to be, but instead, a thousand doodles cover the page and then he stares back at Jeff, whose looking down at the book but his mind seems to be somewhere else. "What's going on, Jeff?"
"What?"
"You seem emo."
"…that's Matt, not me. Sorry."
"He's not treating you right, is he?"
Jeff turns around to face Adam. "He's going back to being the overprotective brother that he used to be and I don't know…I just hate him so much…it's as if I don't love him anymore. I don't know…I'm so fucking confused!"
"MR. HARDY!"
Jeff, remembering that he's in a Chemistry class, just stares blackly at them. Had he just shouted out his troubles to his entire class, he blushes pink and then runs out of the room, Adam following him as Jeff holds his head in his head and starts to cry, tears cascading down his eyes…
"God, I'm so confused, Addy! I really am! I love him but I HATE HIM. I hate him with every fiber of my being and…and…he's so…so demented…I just see every flaw in him right now. It's as if everything turned disgusting again, the entire brother and brother thing, almost as if he put me under some stupid spell and then I found my way out! I don't know, Adam! I'm starting to see other guys in different ways…you know, I just don't like him!"
Adam shakes Jeff's shoulders.
"Jeff! Get a hold of yourself!"
"Adam, it's true! I'm scared! I hate him! I really do! I hate Matt's fucking guts! Sometimes, I feel like he should go die in a ditch…God, I'm scared…what the hell happened to me?!"
He hears a shuffled sob escape.
Jeff turns around to face Matt whose eyes are burning with anger and pain, tears threatening to fall from his eyes as he tackles Jeff towards the floor.
"YOU FUCKING SLUT!"
Jeff lets out a scream.
"YOU-YOU WERE PRETENDING, WEREN'T YOU?!"
'And he tries to control himself…'
Adam pulls Matt out of Jeff's reach as he slams Matt towards the locker and Matt's eyes burn with those tears that refuse to fall as he stares up at the ceiling, his heart thudding. The voices screech out inside of his head, flickering a thousand thoughts and Matt just simply believes everyone of them.
"You hate me…you made me go out of control…you-you pretended to love me…so I'd treat you different…"
Matt lets out a sob as he grabs onto Adam's shoulders and pushes him down onto the floor, Adam staring at him with horror. "MATT!"
Matt balls a fist inside of Jeff's hair, the scrunchie falling off his hair, his breathing irregular as Matt pushes Jeff towards him, the hot breath of Matt falling onto Jeff's face. "You slut. I swear…"
Jeff lets out a high-pitched scream.
This time, it's too loud to be unheard.
Jeff feels himself being pulled back by Randy who stares down at Matt who horror and confusion.
"Matt…"
Matt just looks at them before falling and grabbing onto his hair, 'help me…" tears cascade down his cheeks. "I don't want to hurt anyone anymore…"
His nightmares blare in front of his eyes, loud and horrifying.
The visions…
Oh God no.
"I don't want to hurt anyone anymore!"
Sobs of horror escape his lips.
Matt then looks up to face his worst nightmare—
He'd known those eyes anywhere.
The shape shifter.
"I'm going to take him." The shape shifter, in the form of a mental Doctor…the creature had probably killed the real one and replaced his body with him as he grabs onto Matt's arm and Matt doesn't even reject, nodding his head towards the evil creature.
Jeff just stares as his brother walks away.
"Matty…"
Matt turns around, hearing Jeff's soft whisper.
"…I'm not worth it anymore, Jeffy."
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROSAY! :D
Lots of angst and drama! :D
Yay!
Review?
X Sam.
(donate to the Kasseh and Sam love foundation. I LOVE YOU. :D)