11. Past Lives
Laying on his stomach and propped up on one elbow, Jasper traced a hand lazily down the planes of her belly. "You're beautiful…" he cooed, sighing quietly. The silky smoothness of her skin beneath his fingertips made him feel alive. The very sight of her had sparked feelings inside of him that he'd not known existed until he'd met her.
Alice smiled, her eyes closed, as she relished every movement of his fingers on her skin. Lying here with him was pure bliss, the sensation of him touching her, of his breath dancing lightly against her skin… She turned her head towards him, her eyes fluttering open and finding his face. His expression was beyond charming and it made her smile widen. "I love you," she sighed. "So much…"
"I love you too," he whispered as his fingers glided up her stomach and over her chest. He traced them gently across her collar bone before letting them glide up her neck. Running his fingertips along her temple and tracing a path along her jaw line he laughed quietly, completely engulfed in Alice. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to her throat, working his lips tenderly against the soft skin there. Lifting his gaze to meet hers he found the spark of joy in her eyes that belied the emotional climate radiating around her.
Alice giggles at the soft kiss he placed on her neck, a pleasant shiver working its way up her spine and curling her toes. She shifted her weight to nestle into his side.
Jasper drew back to study her with an adoring gaze. "You're content…?" he murmured, making it more of a pointed statement than a question.
"Of course," she said, closing her eyes. "I always am when I'm with you…"
"I like it…" he said, giving a hint of a smile. "When you're content, I mean. I find myself gravitating toward you," he whispered as his smile grew wider.
Jasper rolled onto his back and slipped an arm around her, pulling her toward him and pressing a kiss to her temple. The emotional climate around them still hung on, lingering emotions of desire still clinging in the air but beginning to fade into something more content and relaxing. He couldn't explain the feelings she gave him nor could he explain the deep primal feelings of protection he felt toward her, but he didn't question them. He just knew that it felt right and that he loved her. Being with her in this moment felt right. She had altered him in every way imaginable.
Alice turned onto her side with a giggle, kissing his cheek before pulling back and studying every line of his angelic face. She found everything about him fascinating, feeling as though she could stare at him forever and never lose her sense of wonder that this remarkable creature somehow belonged to her.
The softness of her lips against his cheek sent a shiver through him that he couldn't deny, causing the smile displayed on his face to grow marginally wider. The joy in her mood became infiltrated with curiosity, fascination and wonder as she leaned back to study him. He didn't know why but he suddenly felt self conscious as her gaze roved over him, over the scars lining his jaw and marring his face. She'd already stated that she didn't care, she loved him no matter what, but he still couldn't help but feel a bit of apprehension on the possibility she would find a flaw she didn't like. He was overreacting of course because Alice's mood held nothing in it to hint at any such feelings. No, her mood was still quite filled with fascination, wonder and awe. He did belong to her and he'd realized this from the beginning, that nothing, come hell or high water, would separate him from her.
"What's wrong?" she asked quietly, furrowing her brow.
"Nothing, I'm fine…" he lied smoothly, letting a faint smile slip to the corners of his mouth. He wouldn't dampen her mood with his own assumptions. Instead he smoothed out his expression and pressed the smile at the corners of his lips wider. Lying to her was easier than revealing his weaknesses and yet lying to her sent a stab of pain straight through his silent heart. Even something as small as three words caused him to be deeply angered at himself for not being truthful to her, but his pride stood in the way.
"No, that's not true," she argued, growing concerned as she took in his pained expression. "I can tell now…when you're not telling me everything. Jasper, what is it?"
"It's just..." he began, shifting his gaze away from her and rolling his lip between his teeth. "Well, sometimes…I still feel as if you'll find something about me that you don't like…" His voice trailed off into silence.
"Jasper," Alice said, turning his face back to her and stroking her fingers down his face. "Why would you think that? Have I yet?"
Jasper's eyes shifted to Alice, as her hands guided his face back to her. "Because no matter how hard I try I feel as if I'm not good enough," he murmured. "And no…" he admitted, sighing. "You haven't…"
"Good enough for what? For me?" Alice asked, her eyes disbelieving as she took his face in both her hands. "Jasper, I don't ever want you to think that. Just stop it or something. It's ridiculous."
Jasper simply nodded, pursing his lips together. Arguing with Alice was moot. Not to mention he was sure that he was overreacting. The feelings she displayed showed no signs of doubt or distaste regarding him nor did they ever. Perhaps he was simply waiting for something that would never happen.
His gaze scanned over her features as if rememorizing everything about her. The way her lips bowed, the flawless touch of her skin and how silky it was to the touch, the childlike look in her eyes when she got excited... Turning toward her he pressed his face into the crook of her neck and placed a kiss there, discreetly taking in her scent and reveling in the sweetness of it.
Laughing, she turned her head away from him baring her throat as she grabbed a hold of the arm he had draped around her, pulling herself in closer to him. "I love when you kiss me there," she breathed. "It tickles a little but in a good way…"
Jasper growled playfully and laughed, planting another tender kiss there. "I like the way you taste…" he murmured, allowing her to pull herself in closer and lifting his gaze to hers.
"Mmmmm…" she moaned, her face lighting up with happiness. "That's what I said to you earlier," she recalled. "Good thing that we each find the other so…appetizing." A laugh bubbled up from her throat as she turned back to him, placing a kiss on the tip of his nose.
Jasper let another playful growl escape his lips, followed by a chuckle. "I know..." he murmured, sighing quietly and drawing in her mood, the invigorating feeling rushing through him like a renewal of himself.
"I'm still sorry, you know," she said quietly, her mood turning more serious and edged with remorse and guilt.
Jasper's eyebrows puckered together. When Alice's mood shifted, turning to a more somber tone, his expression turned to one of confusion. Her words were soft and barely audible but he had picked them up easily. "It's not your fault..." he said, frowning slightly. "You did nothing wrong. I did it for you...Okay?" he said in a tone that didn't ask for argument.
He clearly didn't want an argument but he was getting one anyway. "For me?" Alice scoffed. "No Jasper, you did it because of me. Because I didn't think and that's inexcusable no matter how much you try to take it upon yourself. You had been doing fine. You were going to do fine. I saw it. And then I messed everything up and now you feel badly for something that wasn't your fault which only makes me feel worse…"
"Alice..." Jasper interjected, holding up his hand to halt any further argument. "Listen to me…" he said, turning to her and grasping her chin with his fingers to bring her face to his. "This is not your fault," he said, enunciating each word. "Yes, I feel bad for what I've done, but it happened and I can't change that. My main concern is you. I subjected you to something that was unforgivable," he said firmly, keeping his gaze trained on her pointedly. "When he ripped your ring off I just…lost it…" he admitted, with a frown. "I couldn't let him do that to you. At first I was just going to scare him but he knew too much. I had to kill him…and I just simply blacked out…"
Alice set her jaw stubbornly, shaking her head at his words. "Yes, but why were you so thirsty?"
"Because I hadn't eaten," he argued.
Alice shook her head. "And why hadn't you? Why were we there for me to fall prey to a mugger? Why was I not able to avoid him? The answers are me, me and stupid me. So it is my fault, end of story. But I'm not going to do that to you again. I'm going to be more careful. I'm going to watch out for you, always, so you never have to go through that again."
"Things just happened that way Alice... But don't expect me to blame you for it because I won't," he disagreed, shaking his head.
"You don't have to," she whispered, hiding her face in his neck to avoid looking at his red eyes anymore, the sight of them looking into her golden ones suddenly causing her immeasurable pain. "I blame myself."
Jasper shook his head, sighing. She truly believed it was her fault and he wasn't sure how he could convince her otherwise. His eyebrows puckered together as he worked through the situation in his mind. The way she hid her face, burying it in his neck, caused Jasper a stab of pain. He lifted his own hand and cradled the back of her head, gently raking his fingers through her hair. "Please don't..." he pleaded, sighing. "It's not your fault," he murmured, pressing a kiss into her hair.
Alice took a deep breath of him, feeling the kiss he placed in her hair and snuggling closer into him before sliding off the bed and walking over to retrieve one of the fluffy white hotel robes. Slipping into it she unzipped the travel bag and took out the remainder of their wet clothes, folding them and placing them on top of the bag. Finally she picked up the desk phone.
Jasper pulled in a breath of her scent and squeezed his arm around her as she drew in closer. He could literally lay here with her forever, never moving but they had things to do and when she moved away from him to get up, he reluctantly let her go and pulled himself up into a sitting position, watching her every move as she graced across the room and slipped into a bath robe. His eyebrows puckered together in curiosity as she went about rifling through the travel bag and then danced over to the desk phone.
"Yes, hello. I was wondering if we could have some things laundered. Yes, thank you."
Jasper's sensitive hearing picked up the other half of the conversation but he didn't care enough to tune into the words. Instead, he kept his gaze focused on Alice, fascinated by the way she twirled the cord, the way her lips moved in response to the desk clerk. He couldn't help the warm, loving smile that leaked into his expression. Everything about her was so radiant that he felt in awe simply to be in her presence
She sat down the phone and turned back to Jasper on the bed. "Someone will be up to collect our clothes. I'm going to take care of something," she said, walking over to her coat and pulling the scissors out of the pocket. Glancing at them for a moment she padded into the bathroom.
Jasper watched in confusion as she graced over to her coat and pulled out the pair of scissors that she had purchased earlier. "Wait, what are…?" he began, sliding off the bed and moving after her, feeling the curiosity inside of him growing stronger. He hooked a hand around her upper arm and spun her around to him, his gaze immediately going to the metal glint of the scissors clutched in her hand. "What are those for?" he asked.
Alice gave him a puzzled look. "My hair," she replied, furrowing her brow. "I told you before… What else would I be doing with them?"
He relaxed his grip, letting his hands fall to his sides and took in her confused expression. "The only thing I can think of would be…that you're cutting it off. But why?" he asked, lifting an eyebrow. "It looks fine the way it is."
"I'm just going to even it up. Whoever did it didn't do a very good job," she joked, a hint of sadness in her eyes. "I'm tired of trying to hide who I am so I'm just going to embrace it. I feel like I can now, because of you."
"Oh…" he said as an understanding smile flashed across his face. "I see..." Nodding once, he reached up and slid his fingers through her hair. Her words held an underlying sadness, something he picked up on quickly. His gaze narrowed and locked on hers, immediately noting the tint of sadness in her eyes as well. "Are you ok?" he asked, his voice full of concern.
Alice smiled slightly and nodded. "Yes, I am. I mean short hair isn't exactly the fashion but maybe I'm just going to be that fashion forward. In a few decades, everyone will want their hair like mine."
"Well, I'm sure it'll look great…" he said, trailing his fingers down her cheek. "I'll love it no matter what," he assured her, letting his gaze rove over the choppy haircut she currently sported. He couldn't find any faults in it, himself, loving her despite any of the imagined flaws she found in herself.
Her eyes roamed over his naked body. "You'd better put on the other robe," she said with a coy smile. "Someone is going to be here to pick up the clothes and you can't answer the door like that."
"Oh, right," he realized, glancing down at himself with a sheepish look. He flitted over to the chair and snatched up the large cream colored robe off the arm. The fabric felt odd in his hands. It was soft, warm and fuzzy, a texture that was not all that unpleasant. Without further studying, Jasper slipped the robe on and pulled belt around his waist, tying it off in the front.
Alice stifled a giggle into her hand. "You look…cute," she said, smiling. A fluffy bathrobe was one of the last things she had ever thought she would see him in.
Jasper smiled triumphantly. "Well, thank you." He beamed and gave himself the once over. "I think it makes me look pastier…" he noted, puckering his eyebrows together.
"I don't think you or I could look any paler if we tried," she laughed.
"I doubt it," he smiled, returning his gaze to hers.
"We are dead, after all."
"That we are…" he said, chuckling.
A knock sounded at the door and Alice slipped inside the bathroom. "Could you get that? It will be the bellhop and it wouldn't exactly do for me to answer the door in my robe, being a woman. We've already shattered convention enough with our arrival and we don't need any questions."
Jasper turned when the knock came, the distinct sound of a human fist on the wood.
"Sunglasses!" she reminded. "Pretend you're blind!"
"Of course," he said, shifting his gaze to Alice's retreating form before scurrying around for the sunglasses. "Aha!" he called, spotting them under one of the chairs. Flying across the room and scooping them up he settled them in place over his nose.
He swept over to the door and opened it enough to see who was on the other side. Jasper swallowed as his throat flared, scanning his gaze across the human on the other side. "You must be here for the clothes…" he stated, in a strained voice and attached a pained smile.
The bellhop from earlier that morning stared at the man answering the door. He almost didn't recognize him with the mud washed clean of his face but the same black sunglasses tipped him off as to his identity. "Um…yes, sir," he stammered. He waited for a moment and when the man said nothing more he searched his empty hands. "Do you have them for me, sir?" he asked, confused.
Jasper cocked his head, as if trying to locate the source of the sound. "Yes, they're in here…" he said, patting his hand along the panel of the door and stepping back into the hallway, letting the door swing open. "Yes, they're around here somewhere…" he assured him in a strained tone and purposely directed his gaze just past the bellhop. "Would you like me to retrieve them?" he asked, inclining his head slightly. He swallowed in reflex as his throat continued to flare.
"Oh!" the bellhop exclaimed, catching on and clearly embarrassed by his gaffe. "Just tell me where they are, sir, and I'll be glad to get them! No problem at all!"
"My wife…said she put them on the bag in the bedroom…" Jasper said, his voice straining against the fire raging in his throat.
The bellhop moved into the bedroom, scrambling quickly to pick up the wet clothes folded on top of the bag. "Oh, sir, I apologize! I'll take care of it, really! Don't trouble yourself!" He opened an armoire and pulled out a laundry bag, quickly stuffing the clothes inside and taking a ticket from his pocket and pressing it into the man's hand. "Here you are, sir. I'll have them back up this evening, not to worry!"
"It's ok…" Jasper strained a smile, chuckling. He could see with perfect clarity and couldn't help but suppress an amused smile behind the bellhop's back as he scurried around to pick up the clothes. Keeping up with appearances, Jasper stumbled around until he found purchase on the arm of the chaise lounge and patted his way around it. "I'm afraid I've lost my walking stick..." he mused, with mock embarrassment. He straightened up, still keeping his hand resting against the back of the lounge, and patted his way around to the front as the bellhop approached him. Jasper spotted the ticket in his hand and groped around until he found the bell hop's arm.
"Thank you," he said, standing and straining another smile as the little man pressed the bill in his hand. "No hurry," he assured him as he moved off.
Still mumbling apologies, the bellhop excused himself shutting the door behind him.
Jasper's lips curled into a wicked grin as the bellhop took his leave. He closed his fingers around the ticket and cast off the glasses, dropping himself down onto the chaise lounge. He erupted into laughter, unable to control his utter amusement anymore, and draped his arm over the back of the lounge as he waited for Alice.
In the bathroom, Alice erupted into a fit of giggles. "I'm surprised he didn't fall down!" she laughed.
When Alice's own laughter echoed from the bathroom, Jasper's eyes sparked with mirth. "You should've seen the look on his face!" He called, lounging his head back and sighing deeply. "I had trouble keeping a straight face…but I think I did quite well."
"I saw it in my vision," she replied, her voice amused. "I was keeping an eye out. And yes, you were very convincing."
"Why thank you," he replied, chuckling. "But, I suppose I should've known that you had already seen it!" he called, amused.
The bathroom door opened and Alice stepped out, still clad in her robe. Her hair was still spiky, but a little shorter and more even from one side to the other. In fact, the black choppy layers sticking out in every direction almost looked as though it had been purposefully done. She raised a hand up to touch it and turned her head to the side to give him a better view.
Jasper sat upright almost immediately as the bathroom door opened and Alice stepped out. The difference was remarkable. His eyes drew wide in astonishment as his mouth fell open with a pop. She definitely looked different, very much so. He couldn't take his eyes off of her, she looked dazzling.
"You like it?" she asked. "I'm hoping people will just think I'm an eccentric from Paris," she said with a laugh.
Jasper nodded, completely at a loss for words. "Very much so," he said, his eyes roving over each and every strand. In moments he was on his feet and at her side, eyeing it like a piece of art. "Absolutely beautiful..." he murmured, mesmerized.
"It's not quite as butchered as before. Well, it is, but now it's artistically butchered." She laughed. "I should have done this sooner. It feels better to just work with it than trying to cover it up and hide it. And I was actually able to hide the scars better this way."
"I like it," he chuckled and drew back to meet her gaze. "It's very…innovative," he said, grinning. She looked stunning, almost to the point where it rendered him speechless.
"Well good because it's not like I can grow it back if you hate it," she said, smiling and moving over to the desk. She reached over to the envelope and opened it, pulling out the documents contained within and examining them. Jasper's birth certificate was on top and she perused it before holding it out to him.
"That's true," Jasper agreed, nodding as she moved past him and swept over to the desk. He turned, keeping his gaze on her, as she picked up the envelope and opened it. Linking his hands behind his back he joined her, curiosity written across his face as she examined the first birth certificate. His. He unlinked his hands and puckered his eyebrows, taking up the document she held out to him. Holding it up in front of him, he scanned over it. He smirked at the sight of his name and shifted his gaze up to Alice. "It's very well done…" he mused.
"I've never seen one before so I'll take your word for it," she said.
Taking her own she went and sat on the bed, staring at it for the longest time. Alice Elizabeth Smith. The name was foreign, the birth date meaningless to her. She ran her fingers over the paper, searching for a sense of completeness that still managed to elude her. She sat it aside on the bed with a sigh.
His gaze followed Alice as she took hers and sat on the bed. The look written across her face confused him and slightly concerned him. She looked partly disappointed, as if she'd been looking for something and still couldn't find it. He sampled the mood around her, slightly concerned to find that he hadn't been that far off the mark in judging her expression. "Alice?" he asked, moving over to join her on the bed and sitting down beside her. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to him, murmuring softly as he did so. "What is it? Did you want a different name?" "No," she said quietly, shaking her head. "I just thought I'd feel something, seeing this. Like maybe it would make me feel as though I have an identity. But I still feel the same." She turned her head and looked at her certificate again. "I guess it was silly to expect so much from a piece of paper."
"You have an identity…" he said, slightly confused. "Alice Whitlock, remember?" he reminded her, with a reassuring edge.
Alice smiled up at him, her eyes still touched with sadness. "Yes," she agreed, turning her gaze back to the birth certificate. Alice Elizabeth Smith. The name just looked so wrong. The only thing that felt right was the Alice, the name standing out against the paper as though it were lit by recognition in the haziness of her memory. But it was as though it was in the wrong place, the letters of the other names following it like an alien language.
The smile Alice displayed was a false front to what she really felt. Confusion, sadness, loss, all mixed together to become one tangible force hit like a shockwave, causing him to reach up and pinch the bridge of his nose and squeeze his eyes shut in an attempt to blot out the emotions trying infiltrate his own. When he opened his eyes, Alice's gaze was once again trained on the birth certificate, her concentration evident. His eyebrows puckered together trying to discern the new emotion leaking in and overpowering the others. "What is it?" he asked, his concern layering his words.
Staring at it she suddenly felt as though the truth were right there on the tip of her tongue but obscured by an impenetrable fog. She squeezed her eyes shut and willed herself to remember. Alice... Alice what? Her fingers drifted to her hair, easily finding the scar just about her right ear. A flicker of pain shot through her as her fingers made contact, something almost pushing its way to the surface but then sinking back into a past forbidden to her.
He became more concerned when she didn't answer, keeping his gaze locked on her expression. She was in thought, searching for something hidden in the words, the way someone would stare at a crossword puzzle, trying to find the hidden words jumbled in with the letters. "Alice?" he asked, apprehensive.
The dominant emotion in her mood was depression, something he was very familiar with. During his time with Maria he'd gone through the same thing, experienced the same feeling of being lost and alone. Hope was something that had completely eluded him up until he'd found Alice. He could empathize with her, in more ways than one. Reliving those feelings through her caused a stab of pain to penetrate his heart and streak down to his soul. His gaze shifted from Alice and moved down to the hand placed on his thigh, roving over the scars on his hand, the little reminders of what he'd survived. He was one of very few survivors during the wars. But the superficial scars that ravaged his skin held little in comparison to the emotional ones that scarred his soul. Since meeting Alice his flashbacks had been few and far between. The peace he found in Alice's presence was a feeling that had eluded him since the day he'd been born into the vampiric world.
"It's not silly...to want something everyone has a right to have," he said, pushing back the flickering memories threatening to overwhelm his subconscious. He mustered a brittle smile having triumphed for the moment and slid his gaze back over to her. He pressed a kiss to her cheek and gave her a squeeze with his arm. "I need you to be happy…" he lamented, emphasizing on the word 'need'. "Please?" he asked, lifting an eyebrow and replacing his brittle smile with a warmer one.
Alice opened her eyes and turned to find his face, his loving smile. She reached out her hand and touched her fingertips to his familiar dimple, trailing them over to brush his lips with a smile of her own. "I am happy," she replied.
Jasper's smile widened in response to Alice's touch as her fingers traced over his dimple. He felt relief wash through him, banishing the concern that had dominated him for the last five minutes. Her silence had been unnerving, ringing bells of alarm within his mind as she sat so still enveloped in concentration.
"I just...want to remember, too. Even if it's bad...even if it hurts."
"I know you do…" he agreed softly and lifted the hand resting on the top of his leg to place his hand against her cheek, trailing his fingers downward to curl them under her chin. He then leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips, drawing back to meet her gaze. "Maybe, there's a reason..." he mused, softly. "Maybe your life was traumatic and your mind blocked it out...during the change..." he said in a voice barely above a whisper.
His kiss was soft and tender, in direct contrast to the pain that had echoed through her mind only moments before. His eyes searched hers, but something about their red depths struck her as unsettling in a way that they hadn't before. Red eyes...tree branches against a starry sky... Her eyebrows knitted together in confusion when suddenly another frightening flare of pain pierced her brain.
Her eyes went wide as she flew into his arms, wrapping hers around him tightly and burying her face in his chest. A shiver rippled up her spine. "I don't...know what that was," she whimpered. "It happened again."
Jasper immediately enclosed his arms around her, pulling her close into an intimate embrace and rubbing a hand against her back. A frown creased his lips when he dissected the mood around her, picking up fear and pain as she trembled unrelentingly in his arms. "What happened again?" he asked, keeping his voice even to hide the sudden thrill of panic that had shot through him. "Alice, what is it?" he urged.
She clenched her eyes shut again, taking deep breaths and focusing all her concentration towards the name on the birth certificate. All the letters fell away except for the ones most familiar to her. Alice. Reaching her fingers back up into her hair, she brushed her fingertips over the scar above her right ear again. Nothing. The fog in her mind was now solid, a wall determined to keep her out.
Jasper's eyebrows furrowed together as he unsuccessfully attempted to piece together what was going on with her. He focused his energy on calming her enough to eliminate the trembling. Unfortunately he didn't have the ability to erase the pain, something that he wished he could erase above all else. Hugging her close he pressed his cheek against the top of her head and closed his eyes, drawing in the tenor of her mood and working to counteract hers with his own fabricated ones.
"Perhaps...you're right," she said, her voice coming between gasps. "I want...to know...but...maybe I'm trying...to remember something...I shouldn't."
He stroked his fingers down her spine, working his influence through the fabric of her robe in an attempt to bring her rioting moods back into balance. "Perhaps some things are better left unearthed..." he murmured, softly.
"But I almost saw something! Not the future, the past... My past," she said, trembling. "I almost saw what happened... It was pain, pain and red, staring eyes! I almost, I almost..." Her words faded away as she worked to steady her breathing. She pulled herself closer to him, using the feel of his warm, safe embrace to calm her at the same time his influence descended on her like a numbing fog, easing into her muscles, into her thoughts...calming everything.
Jasper smiled, as his influence pushed through the fear and pain that had been dominating her, bringing with it calm and relaxation. "Red eyes?" he asked, shifting his expression into one of confusion. "The one who changed you, perhaps?" he asked, hoping that asking questions might shed some light.
"I think so," she said, her eyes wide and staring. "But I couldn't see his face. Your eyes, they triggered something…"
"A memory?" Jasper asked, almost hopeful. He knew remembering something could potentially cause her pain. But, despite his qualms, she deserved to know. He still couldn't get pass the notion that whatever she'd lived through had been traumatic and that the change had caused her memory to blot it out.
She nodded. "It happened the first time a moment ago, when I touched one of my scars. I felt pain, something sharp and inescapable, right here," she said, indicating the scar at her right temple. "I could almost feel the burning! I tried so hard to remember more but I just can't...I can't..."
"Burning?" Jasper asked, lifting an eyebrow. "Like fire?" he asked, curiously. Burning, like the pain of a vampire bite? Every time he'd received one it felt as if his skin had been on fire.
"Yes," she said, pulling his hand to her scalp and placing it over the scar. "Like fire. Here. I could almost smell my hair burning, my flesh…" She shuddered, clenching her teeth against a scream at the memory. Vague and indistinct it was still horrifying.
His finger tips brushed across the scar on her scalp, causing a sickened knot to form in his stomach. He cringed inwardly at what could've happened to her to cause these scars. It couldn't have been pleasant, whatever it was. His gaze shifted briefly to her hair, as his fingers moved across the raised scar tissue there. When she shuddered and clenched her teeth, Jasper's gaze shifted back to her expression, growing concerned. "I'm here now…" he soothed, removing his hand from her scalp and brushing his fingers across her cheek. "I'm here…"
Her body relaxed and then went limp as she collapsed into his arms, her eyes becoming blank and almost serene as Jasper's gift took full effect. There was no pain, no distress, no emotional discord. Only peace and calm. Feeling near paralyzed she struggled to take a deep breath, wanting desperately to pull his scent into her body and increase the effect.
Jasper continued to trail his fingers down her back, taking in a breath of her scent. He cast his gaze down on her, noticing that his influence had taken full effect by the way Alice fell limp in his arms and all of the concern she felt disappeared with the arrival of his forced emotions. He flashed a contented smile and paused his hand in the center of her back. "Better?"
She barely had the strength to nod her head but somehow she managed. The numbness began to take even the serenity away, leaving nothing at all. Something about this, too, felt familiar. Laying there paralyzed and indifferent, hardly able to move a muscle… She stared at the wall behind Jasper, almost unblinking.
Jasper's eyebrows pulled together as the numbness settled, separating her from her senses and lulling her almost into a comatose state. He wondered if perhaps he'd given her too much. "Alice?" he asked, apprehensive as he smoothed his fingers against her cheek. "Alice?" he asked again, growing impatient. Her silence was unnerving, almost unsettling and her stillness sent a wave of concern through him.
She couldn't respond, even though she wanted to do so. She didn't like to hear him upset but his voice was floating somewhere outside of herself where she couldn't reach him. She felt like she should fight her way to the surface but she couldn't even begin to fathom how to go about it. There was a tingling throughout her body, a ringing in her ears as his voice faded away. Her head fell back and she stared up at him unblinking, watching with detachment as his lips moved, his face awash with something near panic.
Jasper frowned, realizing that somehow during his rush to calm her down she'd received too much. He applied a small dose of alertness to her, trying to snap her out of the comatose state she'd lulled into. He gauged her mood, watching for any flicker of life in her as he stroked his fingers against her cheek. "Alice?" he asked, fraught with concern.
The numbness that had overwhelmed her slowly began to fade. She blinked once, then twice, her eyes beginning to focus on his face. Finally she pulled in a deep breath, like a diver coming up for air. "Jasper?" she asked, her eyes bright with confusion.
Jasper's worried expression faded as a relieved smile spread across his face. Thank God she was okay! Relief washed through him as Alice came around and spoke. "I think I got a little overzealous…" he admitted in chagrin. "I didn't mean to administer so much…" he said clasping a hand over hers.
"It's okay. I wanted to be calm. I gave in completely, probably before you realized I had and so you used more," she said, relishing the feel of his hand on hers, now that she could feel again. "I just wanted the pain to go away…"
"You were comatose," he pointed out. He glanced down at their hands with a soft smile and let his gaze rove over her flawless, delicate hand. "Perhaps I should've kept better tabs on your emotions..." he mused, lifting his gaze back to hers.
"You told me what you could do but I didn't know it could be so potent! You could completely incapacitate someone if you wanted to, couldn't you?" she asked, her eyes wide with wonder. The ramifications were frightening in their possibilities. She thought back to his stories of his past and all the potential uses of such a gift in those situations, repressing a shudder.
"If I wanted to, yes…" he admitted. "I have to be careful when I use my gift so that I don't create a false reality for anyone I'm using it on. I can manipulate any emotion and make you feel it. Whether it be hate, love, anger, excitement, despair. The list goes on." He chuckled. "If I chose to use it to do harm, yes…it could be bad. But I'm not malicious and only wish for others to feel at ease around me," he explained, giving off a faint smile. The curiosity burning inside of her was a tangible thing, filtering out around him into a fog.
"Did you ever?" she asked, curious. "Use it in another way, I mean?"
"When I was training the newborns, I would use it to control the emotional atmosphere," he admitted. "I could train and plan and my troops could work together without causing casualties amongst them."
Alice nodded. She had already asked so many question since they had met but she had a million more. She pulled him down onto the bed with her, burrowing in his arms and laying her head on his chest. Taking a deep breath of his scent she let her eyes drift shut and concentrated on the slow rise and fall of his chest. "You distracted me earlier," she said. "I was asking you questions, about your eye color when you were human and such and you turned it around and started asking questions of me." She smiled softly. "I want to know more about you. I want to know everything there is to know. So what do you like and dislike?" she asked. She tilted her head up to look at him with a silly grin. "And does the legendary Major Whitlock have a favorite flower?" she teased.
He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her as close to him as possible and lifted one hand to stroke his fingers through her hair, drawing in a breath of her scent and closing his eyes as he relished in the contentment that hung thick around her. He sighed, puckering his eyebrows together. "Well…" he began, pursing his lips together. "I like a lot of things. I like the scent of persimmons. They remind me of my human life," he admitted with a shy smile. "The war was hard, grueling and emotionally scarring, what with watching my brothers and comrades in arms fall around me. Being shot down like flies, union bombs... The smell of burnt flesh and blood was sickening, thick in the air. The scent of ether hanging in the campgrounds and then alcohol as it became the main anesthetic when they had to remove limbs..." he murmured, frowning slightly. "Boys barely sixteen years old, faces covered in dirt and blood, handing me letters to deliver to their families…" he continued, grimacing as if the memory still disturbed him. "Most of the soldiers who weren't killed probably dealt with the nightmares of war every night... Flashbacks of sorts. I live with the vivid remembrance on a regular basis. But, despite the hell on earth, I enjoyed it in the beginning. I was eager to fight for my country and lied to get in…"
Alice's eyes grew wide as she spoke of the war, the one from his human life. Her mind converted his words into visual images, graphic and disturbing, and she couldn't help but cringe at the picture they painted. She clung to him tighter, grateful that he had survived such a horrific time. "You were very brave," she whispered, her voice reflecting her awe that he had done such a thing willingly. "I think I should have been afraid."
He chuckled. "There wasn't much choice but to be brave. Cowards died," he explained, angling his gaze toward her. "It was kill or be killed. There was no mercy on either side. Both sides even fought dirty with guerilla warfare, small sanctioned groups who raided towns of the opposing sides, burning the buildings and killing the civilians be it men, women or children. Yankees raped our women, took our horses, killed our cattle and even burned our farms. The Confederates developed a type of attack called the shock and awe. They would ride full bore into Yankee towns, yell and shout, shoot civilians, whoever got in their path and start burning buildings during the panic. During times of war you fought dirty, took whatever advantage you could…" he stated with a nod.
"Did you...did you do those type of things?" she asked, unable to imagine it. He had been nothing but a gentleman and even knowing of his time in the vampire wars and the lives he took she still felt unable to wrap her mind around it.
Jasper chuckled, shaking his head. "No, I was never part of the guerilla parties..." he explained. "I was First Regiment, Texas Calvary. I never participated in such acts. My main job was to track down stragglers and escort them to the camps…" He smiled as the one fond memory during his part in the war painted in his mind.
"I was young but very charismatic and moved up the ranks quickly. I lived to fight and fought to live. For two years war was all I knew. Unlike the Union, we didn't have government issued weapons. We had whatever we could scrounge up, most of which was what we brought from home. We didn't have the funds to supply the army with new weapons, clothes and boots. We had what we came with. Most of us became foot sore from the long grueling walks, wearing holes in the soles of our boots. Many died of gangrene from crude amputations…" he continued, sliding his gaze toward her. "I liked the idea of being a part of something, having some authority... But the strings attached were less then desirable…" he murmured, trailing off into silence.
"I suppose, I got a little off course, didn't I?" He chuckled. "I'm a strategist, always have been… I did most of the planning for Maria, mapping out possible attack points and escape routes and arranging my troops in accordance to which ever direction I wanted to take. It all depended on the strengths of the enemy, on whether I went forth with a stealth attack or an ambush, or if I just led a full on charge..." he said, letting a smile flicker at the corner of his lips.
Alice hung on his every word, marveling at how much of his life had been war. War in his human life, war in his vampire one... Even now in his life with her, he was at war only it was one he fought against himself, his thirst. She reached up and placed her hand over his silent heart wondering sadly if he ever knew a moment's rest from all the battles raging in his mind and body, both remembered and present.
"You seem more fascinated than horrified," he chuckled, lifting an eyebrow, as he noted the wondrous look in her eyes. She was completely enthralled, taking mental notes as he moved through his life in the Civil War. He supposed speaking of his human life so vividly probably fascinated her because of the lack of her own. Perhaps it made her feel closer to humanity, hearing it through him. But underlying the wonder and fascination was an ache of sadness. An ache that became clear, when she placed her hand over his heart. He mustered a weak smile. "Would you like me to... stop?" he asked, puckering his eyebrows together.
"No, I just can't picture you that way. I'm trying to do so but all I can see is you now, the way you are here with me," she said, frowning. "That and I was just thinking about how so much of your life has been lived in battle. Your human life was war, your vampire life, up until recently, was war. You claim that you now fight a war within yourself in terms of your thirst. I was wondering if you ever get a chance to stop fighting and just...be you. It makes me sad."
Jasper's smile faded as he shifted his gaze to Alice. The sadness swirling around her and in her eyes caused a pang of guilt to flare up inside of him. He nodded, sighing and casting his gaze away as he reflected on his life, then and now. War had been a key point in his existence. War had made him what he was. War in his human life had given him the mindset and grit to become the terrifying warrior he'd become in Maria's service. He had been created by war, both mentally and physically, only to find salvation in Alice's arms. Even now, he found it difficult to adapt to such a peaceful life. His mind set had become so ingrained that he found it a constant battle not to revert back to it.
"No, never…" he admitted. "War is all I've known. I can't rightfully remember anything else from my human life, only the violence of war which carried on into my becoming a vampire and up until very recently..." He trailed off into silence, shifting his gaze back to her and squeezing her hand. "I honestly don't know how to live otherwise…" he admitted, sighing.
"Do you think maybe, with time, you would?" she asked, her tone hopeful. "I love you, for everything you were and are now. It's not that. I just...I want you to finally have some peace."
"Find peace?" he asked, lifting an eyebrow. "I already have…" he added, reaching over and poking her nose with his fingertip. "In you." He smiled. "I wasn't lying when I told you that you've saved me in bringing me hope, not to mention, peace of mind. You are my salvation…" he said, softly.
Alice beamed up at him, his words making her extremely happy. The nagging need to know who she was and where she came from suddenly faded into the background, almost disappearing completely. If all she would ever know of herself was that she belonged right here with Jasper then that was all she really needed to know. Surely nothing else in the world would ever matter more to her than him. "You've given my life a purpose," she sighed, twirling one of his curls around her finger and settling back onto his chest. "I don't think I ever existed for any reason other than to be with you. You were my very first thought and if I ever leave this earth you will be my last. You're everything to me, my whole entire world..."
Jasper's smile widened as the despair in her mood dispersed, becoming replaced by a sudden flood of happiness. Looking at her, he couldn't fathom anything more important to him. He couldn't envision a life without her. She was his existence, his only source of sanity. "I don't think I would ever want to exist without you."
"I'm not going anywhere, ever," she promised.
"Don't…" he replied, offering a sweet smile.
She untangled her fingers from his hair and lifted her hand to gaze at the ring on her finger with a content sigh, her happiness increasing tenfold to look at it and know that she finally belonged somewhere in the world. "I love you," she murmured.
"I could never be without you," he whispered. Losing Alice, in any way, would destroy him. He couldn't be without her, ever. He loved her more than his own existence and would rather die than see her harmed.
"So I suppose I still enjoy doing things that let me utilize my brain in such a fashion. Like chess…" he mused. "I like the smell of leather. But I can't stand the smell of alcohol or meat..." he admitted. "I like the scent of blueberries. It's crisp, clean and refreshing. Most fruits are…" he continued. "I'm extremely shy and being put in the center of attention makes me nervous, I don't like it... I don't like crowds or being around a lot of others. I tend to shrink into the background," he added, rolling his eyes. "It's silly, I know but I can't help it," he said, flashing another chagrinned look. "As for flowers, I really don't have a favorite. They all smell nice."
Her hand drifted from his chest to his hair, curling her little fingers into the soft curls there. "Hmmmm..." she mused, smiling slightly as his words became about happier things. "I don't know how to play chess. Would you teach me sometime? That might be fun."
"Of course!" he said eagerly as a smile spread across his face. "It involves a lot of strategy but it's actually quite fun when you get the hang of it. It also involves a lot of thinking, kind of like war. Except without all the casualties…" he pointed out, chuckling.
"I can't promise I'll be any good," she laughed, tilting her head to press a kiss onto his jaw. "In fact you'll probably lose patience in trying to teach me. I'm sure I'll be no match for you at all and it will bore you to tears."
Jasper laughed. "Well it takes practice. But I think you'll catch on quickly," he encouraged. "Besides, me lose patience in teaching you chess?" he asked, shooting up his eyebrows in shock. "I trained a lot of newborns, remember? Not the most patient of students… Volatile and quick tempered and not the brightest when it came to learning. I don't think it will be difficult to teach you how to play chess."
Alice giggled. "I don't know. Five minutes of trying to teach me that game and you might decide the newborns were a walk in the park," she joked. "I've never actually played any sort of game before, not even cards. I've never had anyone to play anything with. I've seen it in movies though."
"I'm a very patient man." He laughed. "Pawns you move two spaces up or down, depending on which side you're on for the first move then one space after that. Knights move two spaces up, one space over. Queens can move anywhere on the board. Bishops can move all spaces, either up, down, left or right, depending on your position. Kings can only move one space in any direction. The object of the game is to protect the king at all costs. It's not that difficult to get the basics..." He chuckled, turning to press a kiss to her cheek. "I'm sure you'll catch on."
Alice looked up at him, her eyes wide and her mouth falling open. "I have no idea what you just said. See? I'm already doing poorly!" she pouted.
Jasper rolled his eyes, playfully. "Yeah, well…it's much easier to learn doing it in action rather than by listening," he encouraged.
"I'm going to check on our travels tomorrow," she announced, snuggling deeper into his arms. She concentrated for a moment and then let her eyesight relax until the room around them blurred and faded away and forest replaced it. Her eyes scanned the future, looking for any danger as well as any clues as to where they would find Peter and Charlotte. She remained still for a long time, her eyes blank and unblinking, her chest barely rising and falling with the shallowest of breaths.
Jasper merely smiled, letting his gaze rove over her as she snuggled into his arms and concentrated. Her eyes became unfocused, drifting out of the present and casting into the future. He waited patiently, gaze trained on her, as she became so still she barely breathed. "Can you see anything?" he asked, curiously.
"Nothing out of the ordinary," she sighed, almost sounding bored. "Just trees and more trees and-" Her words cut off as her eyes widened. "Emmett," she breathed.
"Emmett?" His eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "Emmett's...one of the coven members, correct?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, her mind still partially far away with the rather large vampire and his booming laugh. A small smile worked its way onto her lips, growing larger as the seconds ticked by. "He's very funny actually...and sweet. And...big."
Jasper chuckled. "Well, sounds like you two will hit it off just fine," he said, giving her a playful wink.
"Rosalie found him after he was mauled by a bear. She took him to Carlisle and asked him to change him for her. They're married...several times over it seems." Alice's nose scrunched up at this, confused. What was the point of getting married so many times? she wondered. Then her eyes lit up at the idea of planning that many parties and she smiled. Yes, she was going to enjoy being part of a family very much, she decided. "Emmett likes to hunt grizzlies now almost exclusively, like a form of revenge against the one that almost killed him." She laughed, her eyes focusing on the room once again.
Jasper knitted his eyebrows together, nodding as she explained about Emmett, the big vampire. His eyebrows shot up in surprise, however, when she mentioned their several marriages. "Maybe, they like the publicity..." he mused, chuckling. He couldn't imagine getting married so many times. Once was enough. What would be the point of doing it over and over?
When she went on to explain Emmett's vendetta against the grizzlies, Jasper smiled in appreciation. "I like the way he thinks…" he mused. He could see himself forming a sort of kinship with this vampire.
"I can't wait to see more...about the others," she said, smiling. "There's only Edward and Carlisle left and I'm so curious about them that I can hardly stand it! And I'm so excited to meet them all in person as well. Oh Jasper, aren't you?" The enthusiasm in her voice was apparent as she squeezed her arms around him.
Alice's enthusiasm was infectious, bubbling over in waves, and Jasper couldn't help but find himself grinning in reflection of her joyous mood. He laughed as she squeezed her arms around him, growling playfully as he turned toward her and pecked excited kisses all over her cheek and neck. "Ecstatic…" he purred against her neck and chuckled. He wasn't sure if the sudden excitement he felt was his own or hers leaking in and taking over.
Alice howled with laughter at his sudden assault of kisses, kicking her little legs and squirming in his arms. "Jasper!" she gasped, her giggles making it hard for her to speak.
Jasper pulled back, with a wide toothy grin. "I guess I got a little overly excited!" He laughed and poked her cheek, playfully.
"Still, it just feels so far away..." she said with a frown. "I suppose I'm impatient. I've been seeing visions of them almost as long as I've seen your face. They're the only thing that's missing, now that I have you..."
His laughter died and he drew back, leveling his gaze on hers as a frown pressed his lips. Being so sensitive to Alice's emotions made him more susceptible to her mood changes. He found himself helpless to resist them and to control his own. But deflecting them would make him less able to keep so in tune with her and he needed her bubbly, infectious happiness. He needed her moods, every bit as much as he needed her, and it was his need for that fix that kept him from deflecting her emotions. Besides, he couldn't, he realized. He needed to know how she felt at all times.
"Patience is a virtue..." he reminded her, chuckling. "Or good things come to those who wait. Whichever cheesy line you want to use…" He laughed, rolling his eyes. "We'll find them eventually," he said, smiling.
She nodded. "You're right. We need to find Peter and Charlotte first. As much as I want to find our future family, I want to be your wife even more." She reached up, tracing her fingertips over the fullness of his lips with a lazy smile.
"Of course I'm very much looking forward to officially making you my wife," he said, with a playful wink. "I'm sure Peter and Charlotte will be very surprised," he added, quirking his lips into a smile as she touched her fingertips to his lips.
"In the vision I had of them they were so happy for us, Jasper. Especially for you."
"Happy for me? Why?" he asked, suddenly curious.
"Because you're happy, silly," she said with a laugh. "They knew how unhappy you were before…how depressed you continued to be even after you left with them."
"I am happy." He sighed in contentment. "I'll always be happy with you," he added as a smile touched his lips.
Her expression became confused as something occurred to her she hadn't thought if before. "Charlotte isn't…afraid of you after you were going to…?"
His lips pressed into a frown. "Well, she's skittish around me."
He and Charlotte's relationship had started out on the wrong foot, having almost killed her during his time in Maria's service. He remembered that night with perfect clarity. Peter had become his second in command, helping with the executions, and they'd begun to take a toll on him. When Jasper had called out the next name on the list Peter became enraged, having strong feelings toward Charlotte. They'd given him away as soon as he'd reacted. He'd shouted for her to run and swiftly took off after her, having seen Jasper's skills of execution. He wasn't going to allow it and Jasper, having experienced his feelings firsthand, had let them go. Instead of giving chase and going after them he simply turned a blind eye in respect for Peter and moved on to the next victim.
"Of course, she has a right to be…" he added, with a faint smile. "I'd nearly taken her life…and would have, had it not been for Peter..."
Alice shivered. "Well I'm glad you didn't. She seems lovely and from what I can see, she and Peter are very happy together…much like us." She trailed her fingers down his chest, her expression becoming thoughtful. "I don't think anyone should be alone in the world…"
"She makes Peter happy and that's what counts…" he replied, nodding thoughtfully. "He deserves happiness just like we do."
Alice's eyes drifted to the curtains and the dimming light that filtered through their gauzy fabric. "Oh!" she exclaimed, jumping off the bed. She ran over to the window, pulling aside the fabric ever so slightly before running back to the bed and grabbing Jasper by the hand. "Come here! Come here!" she chirped, bouncing up and down impatiently. "Hurry or you'll miss it!"
Jasper's eyebrows shot up as Alice bolted off the bed and ran over to the window. "What?" he asked as she sprinted back, noting the rush of excitement around her. He laughed, taking in her impatience, and willingly got up and followed her over to the window."Miss what?" he asked, giving her a bizarre look and pulling back the curtain to look outside. The sight almost took his breath away. The sun setting in the distance displayed an array of colors, from shades of orange, fading into shades of red and pink all cast against the dimming sky in contrast. "Wow…"
"I told you," she whispered, wrapping her arms around his waist. "Isn't it beautiful?"
Smiling, he wrapped an arm around her back and pulled her against him, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "Very," he agreed.
"I could stare at these every day. Sunrises are equally impressive. I wonder if humans see them with such clarity? It's incredible, all the little details of color…"
"I doubt it…" he said, chuckling. "They can't see as clearly as we can. We see more details in things. But it is beautiful and something that shouldn't be missed," he said.
"We should watch these every night," she said, her voice full of wonder as her eyes remained locked on the sight. "What do you think? You want to watch sunsets with me for the rest of eternity?" With some difficulty, she turned her eyes away from the sky and its rainbow of colors and found his face. She smiled, squeezing her arms around him, her face open and full of love.
"They certainly are something..." he noted, nodding. His gaze drifted down to her expression as her feelings of awe manifested around them both. She was concentrating on the sunset, her gaze full of the wonder she emitted. "I think," he said as her eyes turned to him and a smile spread across his face, "that sounds perfect. I'd love nothing more."
Alice laid her head against his arm with a peaceful sigh, looking out at the sunset before her eyes unfocused as her gaze fell on something even far more beautiful, her smile widening that much more. She and Jasper and their happy and inevitable future…