AN: A new perspective for you all. Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 4. Unsatisfaction

Ethan drew in a deep breath before sighing as he drove his buggy home in the moonlit night.

Though bright and merry in her own way, Martha Dewberry's effervescent ways were nothing like that of what he truly wanted. His parents approved without a doubt. They were truly happy for him and his choice, praying for his happiness.

If only he could find it…

He knew that he should be married by now and that it was kind of Martha to wait for him as she has done. But no one but Charity could understand what made him inept to fully commit for what would come were he and Martha to wed.

"You still think about her, Ethan." Charity, wed and with a two-year-old son, frowned at him whenever he was caught alone with her at her home. "You dare not speak it with all else, but I can see what they dare not think of. You still hope for the English girl."

Leah.

Ethan closed his eyes, realizing how tense this made him feel, making his knuckles turn white holding the reins.

It had been so long, and yet whenever he closed his eyes, he could see her as clearly as rain, smiling at him, laughing with him, brightening up at his presence, and slowly losing that when he had decided to leave her. When he held Martha, even for a moment, it was as if he were holding Leah again, and he would immediately tighten his grip, not wishing to lose her, which would cause Martha to exclaim in surprise by his rough conduct.

"My parents would not approve of our actions," was Martha's only explanation for her little squeaks whenever he ended up forgetting himself and who he was with, thinking her to be Leah.

Why could he not close his eyes and see Martha? Why did he not think of her as he did of Leah, even after all of these years? Was it sinful to be with Martha, having everyone believe his intentions to be to marry her soon enough, when all he wanted to do was fade away into a realm where there was no Amish or English, but rather a place where he could remain with Leah, untouched by his faith and her world.

His thoughts drifted when he passed by where Charity now lived. He knew his sister was awake and probably sitting at her table, basking in the silence she never got until baby Patrick James was asleep. How he had loved his nephew, with his soft blonde curls and porcelain face with golden eyelashes that framed green eyes as pure and clear as the fields on a bright spring day. Ethan smiled at the thought, wondering if ever he would experience the pure bliss his sister had undergone at having a child. To see a baby with his features, his eyes, and lean face. Would his child have the same broad hands, weather-worn from working in the fields?

"You are still awake, Ethan?" Charity got up from where she sat on a chair in front of her home, seeing her brother in the buggy. "Do you not think Papa is worrying?"

"I do not wish to think of it," Ethan softly admitted, not even realizing he had stopped the buggy, thinking so deeply.

"Let her go," Charity set a hand on her brother's arm, wanting him to know of her love. "Leah is not the only one in your life who loves you, and she is not the only one you love. You may still love her, as I do, deep within, remembering her kindness for the rest of our lives, but you cannot be part of her world. Papa forbids it."

"I wish to see her again," Ethan's hands flexed despite himself, angry at never again laying eyes on the keeper of his heart, and always remembering her as the young girl who showed him love. "It has been years, Charity."

"Yes, it has." Charity agreed. "Years between the both of you. She is already part of the English world on her own. She is able to move on, cherishing your love and memory. Why can you not do the same?"

"What if she still feels what I do?"

"Leah Lewis-Hall always knew where to find us," Charity answered simply. "If ever she feels like seeing us, she knows where to go."

"What if she fears coming back? Fears that we have moved on without her?"

"Is that not how it is supposed to go?"

"I wish to see her again."

"Papa would call you a fool for wanting another girl when you already have one," Charity rested her head against Ethan's arm. "But I understand, brother. I miss her too. She was our English friend, and it pained me to know our worlds made us unable to continue our friendship as we would like. But you, too, must understand, Ethan. Martha Dewberry is waiting for you. If you leave, if you continue like this, you will ruin her. It does not settle well with everyone that Martha grows to be an old maid. Do not keep her waiting. If you must, break it off, Ethan. Do not ruin herself and condemn her to a life alone because you refuse to be satisfied with the love you had with Leah years ago."

"Your husband will wonder where you are," Ethan said bitterly, and Charity knew her brother would hear no more from her. "It is not good for women to be outside at this honor."

"Or men," Charity countered, walking back inside her house, her shawl hung closer by the sudden chill. "You are as unsatisfied as Eli."

Ethan cringed at his brother's name, knowing his sister did not say this to be bitter as he might have, but because that was the truth.

Will had treated Leah again for the day.

After he arrived at dawn to help her with the horses, Will hauled Leah away, still in her pajamas, to visit one of the trails by the Ohio River. Walking through mud in her sneakers as underbrush and bushes scraped against her legs since she had decided to wear shorts to bed, Leah clung to Will, not wanting to be separated and left here alone.

"What are you thinking?" Will questioned Leah when she stopped to look at the river that she could see through a gap in the trees. "And don't tell me nothing. I can see it in your eyes, and in that half smile that you are holding back."

"I'm just remembering," Leah closed her eyes and opened them when Will put his arm around her, guilty that her thoughts were filled with a certain guy when she was with another. "Let us go on, I guess."

Moving forward in silence, Leah could not get Ethan off of her mind.

Having him out of her life had been like losing a part of her. Though her heart cried in pain every moment for the first few years, Leah had taken up being happy and exciting on the outside to make-up for her lack of enthusiasm inside. People were surprised at her sudden attitude change, especially after her break-up with Ethan, and no one but Jay could understand.

"Come on, babe, you aren't the first girl trying to live a fun life to forget the pain in your life." Jay had laughed when she guessed right. "You're talking to the queen of heartache right here."

Leah doubted that she would have befriended Jay if not for what occurred between her and Ethan. Her new friend provided her with an outlet to forget the pain and give into the pleasures she never would have indulged in under any other terms. Partying all night to the point she was practically half asleep in lectures, it was a miracle in everyone's eyes, including hers, that she graduated with top marks in her class. To make the Dean's list with enough time to attend every party with the girl everyone knew on campus, Leah was able to eventually move on from Ethan and fully give into the life she was living.

Dating Will had begun it all.

He was the first boy since Ethan to make her heart quicken with his steady gaze. When Jay introduced him to her and he had been more than willing to spend all night talking to her, no strings attached, she thought she had met her match. Her relationship with Will was just what she had needed: someone to spend time with and talk to who would listen to her no matter what the circumstances, never demanding anything but her presence once in awhile.

Graduation was what had ruined it, when she had received the letter congratulating her. How fast the happiness in her life flooded away at sight of that letter, making her life seem so empty and pointless all this time. Who was she kidding? She had no idea where she wanted to go in life, and all of her goals now seemed shallow and petty. No one understood her decline in mood this time, not even Jay.

"Almost back now," Will smiled at her, giving her hand a squeeze before they parted to get back into his car. "You have a piece of dirt on your cheek…"

He hesitated at first, reaching out for her, but grinned when he saw Leah smile at his touch. It was the most inviting gesture he had seen from her, just that one smile, that he held his hand in place on her cheek, as if no amount of kisses could replace this tender moment she had given him. Only when Leah lowered her eyes, looking away quickly, did Will know his invitation was now gone.

"Where to?" he asked, trying to break the silence between them. "Just tell me, and I will take us there."

"It's not a time machine," Leah replied and then the silence came again until she finally looked over. "I think I need to get back now. The stables."

"I understand."

Leah left Will with nothing more than a farewell when she unlocked the front door of Mrs. Hendrickson's house with precisely one minute leftuntil six o'clock. Calling to make her presence known, she hurried to the kitchen to find it empty except for Jay, sitting at Mrs. Hendrickson's chair.

"Jay?" Leah could not hide the surprise she felt at not seeing dinner set, as always. "Where's Mrs. Hendrickson? She always has dinner ready at…"

"I know," Jay got up, approaching Leah, and hugged her. "I'm so sorry, honey, she's in the hospital."

"The hospital?" Leah's breath caught at the mention of the hospital, shuddering with memories. "What happened? Is she alright?"

"I honestly don't know," Jay's hug grew stronger. "She had a heart attack, Leah. The ambulance took her away an hour ago to emergency. I have no idea if she's even alive."