Chapter 19. Abrupt Decisions

It had been an excruciating ride home, but Ethan Longacre had made it. His small bag of clothes from when he was at Leah's was packed away, and he stood in front of his home in his Amish clothing. It had been awhile since last he wore them, and he felt awkward in the cloth that he had been accustomed to all of his life.

"Ethan?" Nathan stood before him, a young boy of eight. "Ethan!"

His brother wrapped his arms around him, and Ethan could smell the fields on him. Dirt marked his youthful face, and Ethan smiled down at him, remembering his youngest sibling to be only a baby when he had first met Leah.

Leah. He could not believe he had been able to gather his things up and leave her. It had seemed impossible, and that word passed through his mind as he packed his belongings, walked to the bus stop, boarded the train, and walked down to his home. Impossible that he could ever leave Leah once he had had her back in his life. But this had to be done. He could not abandon his family. They were all that he was, and he could not condemn himself to the life that Eli had lived.

"Ethan," Charity stood from where she sat in a chair at the long table that his entire family sat. "We were not expecting you."

All of their eyes were upon him, but all that Ethan could see were the stern eyes of his father. Dark eyes that seemed further accentuated by his beard of the same hue. The word that had haunted Ethan to depart now seemed tangible upon his father's lips, waiting to escape and be hauled towards him. Verboten. He knew that after leaving, that was all that he would be to them.

"We were not expecting you would ever come."

Charity placed a hand on him and led him to rest at the table. He placed his hands in his hair and lowered his head, awaiting the words he knew must come.

"Ethan," his father's voice was directed his way. "Do look up when you are spoken to."

"Yes, papa." Ethan looked up, humiliation present across his face.

"Where have you been? Charity spoke of you leaving us for that girl, that English girl who…"

"Papa, please listen…"

"Do you think it wise to run into the arms of another woman, an English woman, when you are to marry Martha!"

"Please…" Ethan's mother interrupted her husband's anger. "Allow Ethan to speak for himself."

"Papa," Ethan took a breath to think of how to begin. "I love Leah."

"You cannot love this girl!"

"I thought I could marry Martha," Ethan took another breath before he could find his voice again. "I thought I might not feel for Leah what I had before, but this feeling would not leave me. I prayed for years that it might leave me, and that I might feel that for Martha, but that would never happen, papa. Could you blame me for what my soul feels?"

"It is not our way, Ethan, to go and marry an English girl." Even Mr. Longacre could not deny the desperation of his son, and his voice softened in understanding. "She is not accustomed to our life, and she will never be Amish. There is no other way."

"If it is such a simple thing you ask of me, papa, why do I find it so hard of me to obey it?" Ethan's hands ran through his hair again. "Why is it so difficult to not accept that which you have just told me and marry Martha? Why can I not will myself to do it?"

"Papa, is there no other way?" Charity begged. "It has been so long, and yet he stills feels the same. Can there be punishment for such a love?"

"I had to see for myself," Ethan sighed. "I was weak, but I had to see her. Had to see if what was there before might still be there for her as well. I had saw her at the hospital, and I knew that I would never find peace if I did not confront her. I had abandoned her without thought or reason before. I was frightened. I do not want to be Eli to you, papa. I do not wish to inflict such pain on my family a second time."

"Ethan!" his mother stood and hugged her son. "We put so much upon your shoulders to bear. My son, the weight we have placed upon you!"

"It's alright," Ethan returned the warm embrace. "I am glad only to be home with my family."

"Ethan," reality interrupted the comfort Ethan had just received as his father spoke again. "What now will you do?"

"Papa, Leah needs me." He saw his mother sit and begin to weep. "I do not wish to depart from my family, but I cannot separate myself from her again. I cannot inflict such pain upon her."

"So, instead, you should hurt your family?"

"Papa, I love her!"

"And you do not love us?"

"How can you speak to me like this, and expect me to choose?" Ethan cried desperately. "You cannot understand the pain that it causes me to stand and tell you this. You cannot understand the pain that I have bore since I have left her years before, and the pain I receive in knowing that by leaving her right now, I cause her even more pain. How much must I endure, papa, before you are satisfied?"

"I did not place this burden upon you."

"It is the burden of my heart, papa, and though my mind speaks for me to stay here, my heart wishes for me to go elsewhere. Are we not to be governed by our heart, or have I learned nothing?"

"Do you know what you do?"

"I know that you shall have no choice if I decide to leave today," Ethan answered. "I know that if I leave today, I shall be verboten. You shall speak not of me, and I shall be as one dead to this family. I will be forbidden to speak of and it will be as if all that I have endured, all that I have done for this family for over twenty years, will have never occurred. That is the way of our people."

"Ethan…"

"That is my choice," Ethan stepped back so that he could see all of the faces of his family. "You may choose to forget of me, and to live as if I have not touched your lives, but I shall not forget of you. All that you have given me, I shall carry within me, and my memories here will rest with me in my grave"
"Ethan," Charity hugged her brother and whispered. "You are not dead to me."

Not another word was spoken as Ethan exited his home. From outside, Ethan could hear his mother weeping, but as he walked up the street to the train station, all that he could take with him was the gaze of his father as he left, who looked at him as if he were a ghost of one long dead.

"So do you think that was enough of a party for one night, Leah?" Jay asked when they stumbled into Leah's home. "Wow, I almost forgot what it was like to not be able to feel your feet!"

Jay leaned against the door and struggled to free her feet from her heels, and sunk to the floor with a sigh of contentment when she was released from its binding. She let out of a boisterous laugh and looked up to find that Leah had left her alone in the entrance.

"By your overflowing enthusiasm at this moment, it seems like you had the night of your life." Jay remarked sarcastically as she found Leah crouched in front of the fireplace, trying to light it. "Was it too soon to try and relive college life again?"

"Will tried to make a move on me, Jay."

"Oh…" Jay moved the coffee table so she could rest her feet on it as she sprawled out on the couch. "…I see."

"Did you suspect he would do this?" Leah turned. "Did you know that he would try and leap upon the opportunity that, perhaps, I was in rebound less than twenty-four hours after the love of my life leaves me stranded this very morning? Was that why you were so persistent in him joining us?"

"Leah, honey…"

"Jay, for once just answer the question."

"Could you honestly blame me for trying to help the poor man out?"

"Jay…"

"No, Leah, I think it's about time you heard my two cents on the situation." Jay sat up now, and the tease in her eyes left. "Will is a good guy, Leah. No, Will is better than good. He is the greatest guy that a gal could ever wish to have. I would know. I've dated practically every guy on the planet by now, and the remaining guys will probably come before I die. I mean, not only do you have the world's greatest guy at your feet, Leah, but you've had him ever since he first saw you in college! He's been with you through it all, and yet he stays, even after the wild woman I first met had left the building and you are now in desperate need for some anti-depressants. I mean, perhaps you should give the guy a chance. You've been fawning over lover-boy for far too long. I mean, as great as the guy may seem when he's around, how many times are you going to let him walk out of your life and break your heart?"

"I know, Jay." Leah lowered her head. "Believe me, I know."

"Yeah… sure, honey."

"Why don't you believe me?"

"Sorry if I'm not convinced when you have said you would give will a chance ever since you broke up with him."

"Alright, how about I give him a call and we can decide from there what we do about it?"

"Sounds good to me."

Night had past long before Ethan had walked in front of Mrs. Hendrickson's home, where an angry Leah would likely greet him. The day had paid its toll on him, but in the end he knew it to be the right decision. No amount of pain that had occurred during his absence could surpass the joy he knew he would receive at telling Leah that they were finally free to be together. He was so enraptured in the happiness soon to come, that he had not taken notice of the cars that lined up across the street.

"Lover boy?" Jay raised an eyebrow when she tossed open the door. "What a surprise that you would show up…"

"Have I… missed something?" music blared past the door, and he could already see streamers and balloons stretched scattered throughout the house. "Has Mrs. Hendrickson returned home from the hospital?"

"Oh… no… she's not doing any better, unfortunately." Jay held open the door and allowed for him to walk in. "Sorry for the crowd, it's a big day."

"A big day?" Ethan felt uncomfortable with all of the eyes pasted upon him. "What has happened?"

"What?" Jay led him into the dining room, where he saw Jay stand abruptly from where she sat besides Will. "Hey Leah, how about you tell lover boy the good news?"

"Leah, what news?" Jay headed to the stereo, where the volume for the music was placed on mute. "Am I missing something? What happened?"

"Ethan…" Leah took a breath. "I…"

"It's okay, Leah…" Will placed a hand on her shoulder and allowed for her to sit, where Leah grew only fainter. "Ethan, congratulations are definitely in order."

"Congratulations…"

"Yes, Leah and I…"

"Please," Ethan interrupted Will. "I need to hear it from Leah, please."

"I'm so sorry, Ethan." Leah turned briefly to reveal the tears that had fallen. "I… I just can't always wait for you to make a decision over us. It's been tearing me up. But Will, he already knows. He has already decided. I never wanted to hurt you, or to tell you like this, but Will and I… we're engaged."

Though the music returned just as loud, and the party progressed in its usual jollity and merriment, no such sentiments passed through Leah and Ethan. Ethan quickly departed for the outdoors, where he might receive some time to think of his current situation, and Leah sat in the room full of people, just as alone as if she were outside by herself as Ethan was.