Sorry for the delay. Hope you enjoy this :)
Why doesn't he listen to Lily? Why why why, whywhywhywhy? Why must he thwart all her attempts to stop him doing things like this to himself?
Always listen to Lily. That's an important piece of advice for the future. Providing you survive this, which is improbable. Lily, my son, is wisdom personified. Why can't he just marry Lily? Why can't life be simple, and happy. They would have very studious children, would he and Lily. They could sit around in their old age eating dark chocolate and having cups of tea. Why is he thinking about Lily, or chocolate for that matter, when he can see Sirius's-
Sirius makes a noise that sounds like someone without a mouth is trying to cough, and his ears go red. Remus whips round.
"Sorry!" he gets out, trying to shake LILY from his brain.
"No! No worry! My fault!" jabbers Sirius, and there is a great deal of shuffling. Remus waits until there is no noise at all, staring at the tap and trying very hard not to grip the doorframe because Sirius might see. When he's stopped moving, Remus turns around.
No Lily, I've got to go back and get my notes, oh no Lily, I can't possibly come to the library with you today, I'll just study in the dorm Lily, no-one will be there, it's quite alright Lily, don't you worry.
Sirius is in his own bed under layers of covers. He's the lovely colour of blood oranges.
"Sorry" says Remus again, looking at his feet, his hands until he decides no, not the best place, looking at the window, anywhere but Sirius.
"My fault" mumbles Sirius again. It's a weird and unnerving moment, Sirius Black bashful, but Remus does not savour it or even question it because he has harder problems to deal with. Harder- oh why, whywhywhy, was he cursed with an internal monologue that hates him and wants to see him die a slow and miserable death? Is Sirius still talking?
He's still talking with his pink mouth.
"So erm, not to worry, mate, dorm full of boys, I erm, once saw James do the s- not to worry, I've erm, got a thing to do, Moony, got to- erm, read this-" Sirius seizes a book from the pile next to his nightstand (Remus has put them there because Sirius needs them for his Astronomy exam next week and he would never plan that far ahead unaided) and knocks a few over in the process. A spine becomes dented and a part of the inner Moony cries out in anguish and they both outwardly pretend not to notice, and Sirius buries himself in the book.
"Yep" says Remus, feeling dizzy. "Sorry. No. Not to worry. Dorm full of boys, bound to happen" he echoes. "Total accident, no big deal, not to worry."
"Moony."
"Yes?" he answers with far too much enthusiasm.
"Look, don't worry about it. Chill. It happens."
"Yes it does" he agrees vigorously. "Chill. Indeed. Excellent plan. Er-" he considers going to his bed to read, as originally indented, and then imagines a silent room with the occasional shuffling of pages or clearing of throat being the only company for two boys, both of which are hard. And one is for the other.
"Got to go" Remus almost shouts, instinctively and urgently, as if the door is about to slam locked and imprison him here. "Got to, er-" what's the polite term for Run Away Because I've Just Caught You Having A Wank? The internal monologue just said the word wank. This is a horrible nightmare. If only he were married to Lily. "- meet Lily." Oh yes, beautiful, sweet Lily, thank Merlin for Lily.
Sirius clears his throat and dips his head and Remus's skin crawls and downstairs he tightens. He always knew there was a reason they wore robes. Beautiful, loose, lovely robes. Excellent things. Excellent. He shuffles awkwardly in his own skin.
"Good. Right. Go, find Lily. Lily's great. Erm, have a nice- uh." Sirius gives up, and Remus bolts.
The Prefects' Bathroom is lockable and secluded- and occupied, so Remus stumbles painfully to the equipment shed and no one's there. Beggars can't be choosers.
It's dark and really cold. The twigs crunch under their feet.
Lily shivers and clutches James's arm.
"I'm scared," she mutters meekly, looking over her shoulder. The woods behind them howl and creak. She clutches it harder, digging her fingers into his bicep and pressing herself closer against him.
"I'm here" he says manfully, and she shivers again, wrapping her arms around his waist.
"Thank Merlin for you, James Potter" she lisps, looking adoringly up at him. Something shouts from behind them and they both start, her leaping a foot in the air in a girlish helpless kind of way, and he in a forcefully angry fashion, grabbing her close to him and pointing his wand at the danger.
"Get back, Snivellus" he roars at the oncoming storm, and conjures the patronus.
Lily is in the middle of trying to tell him how manly and forceful he is and what she is going to do for him later tonight (it involves handcuffs and feathers, and dark chocolate. She's actually disturbingly like a cross between Padfoot's and Moony's ideal women) when James is rudely shaken out of sleep by thunderous laughter.
"You were protecting Lily from Snape again" gasps Remus. Sirius is cackling so hard he's red in the face and can't even speak, but he does manage to do some kind of stupid action, flicking his wrist like a twit, brandishing an invisible wand, other hand on his hip. When he does, Remus dissolves back into helpless laughter and James realises that his left hand is still pointing fiercely at the ceiling.
"I hope you're both eaten alive" he says with dignity at all times, and flumps back down in bed, ramming the covers over his head.
Tomorrow: a case of mistaken identity. Please review if you want me to continue. Also, ideas appriciated. :D