A/N: I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to update! It is just that I've been really busy lately and haven't had the time or motivation to do much. Hopefully, this isn't too bad. Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia, Chuck E. Cheese, or some ideas borrowed from 30 Rock.

Warnings: Possible overuse of the words "dark haired man," "China," and "Asian."

As soon as he stepped through the door, China realized that coming here might have been a mistake. It was somewhat dark, there were wild-eyed children everywhere, and there was a giant mouse walking around. Wearing clothes. No animal besides Hello Kitty and her friends should walk around fully clothed!

A large dopey smile spread across the country's face as he imagined a Hello Kitty restaurant. Lost in his thoughts, he was completely unaware of his surroundings…

"Isn't having a panda wandering around where food is being prepared a violation of some sort?" Pause. "Hey, what's it doing with that pizza? I thought they ate bamboo!"

A gentle push alerted China to his surroundings once again. "Ahh aru" he said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head as he noticed the girl waiting to take his admission money and stamp his hand "I'm sorry aru!"

The employee had to stuff her fist and her mouth to hold back a squeal at the young (or old) man's adorableness. When she finally collected herself, it was to just stamp the dark haired man's hand and send him through without taking any money from him.

Once inside (and after inspecting his curiously) the country chewed his lip nervously, to be honest, he had no idea what he was looking for. In this case, he decided that wandering around aimlessly for a few moments would be the best course of action. He might also be able to get some free food or whatever it was he was here for if he smiled sweetly at the cooks behind the counter.

However, when he looked over, he felt his hopes fall screaming to the floor, shattering into a million pieces so small that he couldn't even get them back together with superglue. The person behind the counter had frown lines that looked as though they had been run over by a plow. If it was possible, there would have been a thundercloud above them, spewing angry torrents of rain and lightning to strike those who came too close.

What China really needed was somebody who had a sunny personality and a bright smile that when turned up to full power, made you need sunglasses if you didn't want to go blind.

Scrunching his forehead in an effort to think (this only succeeded in making him look like a shar Pei puppy) the dark haired man turned to gaze at the stage, where some extremely creepy creatures were apparently having a concert. One was playing the guitar.

It was then that it hit him like a ton of bricks, but without the damage to his adorable face. Spain! The easy-going, tomato loving country had a smile so bright that it could blind oncoming traffic; and he had a personality so sunny that you could get a suntan from staying near him for too long. He could ask Spain to smile at the angry person, and maybe then the clouds above their head would part and they would give him what he needed!

It never occurred to China that he could use some money to buy food or tokens.

Steeling his nerve, the small country approached the stormy person in front of him. "Excuse me aru" he said timidly "I need something in specific. Do you think that you could help me?"

An ominous wind pushed his bangs off his face. If possible the person's expression grew even darker and scarier…but then suddenly lightened a little bit. They beckoned him closer. Excitedly, China scampered closer, naively thinking that the person had had a change of heart.

His ear was inches from the other person's lips…

"NO!"

The force of the shout and the accompanying lightning strike was strong enough to send poor China flying backwards into the ball pit…six feet away.

"Ooh, look at all the pandas…with wings aru!" a dazed and confused China managed to lift his head a couple of inches before he sank beneath the sea of colorful plastic.

"I'LL SAVE YOU! BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HEROES DO!"

A gloved hand grasped the dark haired man's wrist in a vice grip and yanked him to safety.

"Does he need mouth to mouth? I'll give him the kiss of life!"

The country's eyelids fluttered only to quickly snap open when he saw a pair of lips coming towards his own. "NO aru!" he cried, slapping the offending face away from his own in a very girly manner.

"Ow! Iggy, he hit me!" a familiar voice complained.

"Well, I can't say I blame him you daft git, if I saw your face coming at me like that, I'd slap you too."

"But you like it! I mean just this morning…"

A resounding smack and an embarrassed "Shut up! That was different!"

Apparently both America and England were there with him once again.

Groaning again, the dark haired nation attempted to rise or at least pull himself into a sitting position of sorts. Massaging his sore head (he hit it against the floor) he took in his surroundings. England was sitting in front of him and off to the side, blushing furiously and talking to his faerie friends. Next to him was America, who had a red handprint on his face and was trying to snuggle closer to the older nation who wasn't having any of it. The groan caused both men to…continue doing what they were doing.

A loud and deliberate cough from China brought their (short) attention (spans) back to him. "Good to see you are awake" said England gruffly "How are you feeling?"

China thought for a moment and then responded, "I think I'm alright but my head hurts."

England started to say something, but was abruptly cut off by his pushy companion. "I have just the thing!" America declared, reaching into a pocket in his 'heroic' bomber jacket in order to extract a small nondescript bottle. "Here" he said, unscrewing the cap and shaking two small pills into his hand "These will make you feel better."

Cautiously, the dark haired nation plucked the pills from the other man's hand. "What are these exactly?" he asked uncertainly "And are sure that these are okay for me to take?"

The blonde waved away his concerns dismissively, "Don't worry! I have a medical degree that I got online! It makes me even more heroic!" This last statement was followed by a thumbs up.

Sighing, China swallowed the pills, hoping to whatever gods were out there that he wouldn't regret this decision. For a moment, nothing happened.

"Let me see the bottle," England demanded, holding his hand out to America "I want to know exactly what you gave him."

"Relax Iggy, I just gave him some Rohypnol Russia gave me to take for my headache" he said nonchalantly, not noticing that England's face had drained of color.

"You gave him ROOFIES?" he cried "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

America frowned, "Don't worry! China's fine!"

The subject of the last sentence was in fact not fine.

"Here come the roofies" he murmured and collapsed back on the floor. Seeing England looking nervously at him, he said the only thing that he could.

"You can do anything you want to me." (1)

While this may not have been what England wanted to hear, it was music to someone else's ears. Someone across the restaurant who had been watching the entire time; someone who had been in disguise; waiting for this moment to strike.

Someone who, at this exact moment in time, was in a mouse suit.

"Kolkolkol."

Everybody run for your vital regions.

Russia smiled creepily from within his disguise, his plan had gone smoothly. China had come and was semiconscious from the date rape drug he had been given. All that he had to do now was swoop in for the kill and drag the smaller country back to the motherland and make him one with Russia.

The dangerously unhinged nation began to make his way over to where China lay, apparently attempting to make a snow angel, waving his arms and legs on the ground. Mm, Russia felt a trickle of saliva run down his chin; the smaller country was just so cute and would be SO much fun to make one with him.

The dark haired nation would widen his eyes when told what was planned for him and…

Ow.

China wasn't supposed to kick him in the shin.

"Hey, dumb mouse!"

Now that certainly didn't sound like the sweet tones of the Asian man. It sounded more like the extremely irritating voice of a small child.

Another kick to the leg followed by a punch to the gut.

Russia finally looked down and noticed that a small boy was standing in front of him, most likely the same one who had just kicked him.

"You're stupid" the kid said. The tall man in the mouse suit tried to wave him away and keep his eye on the prize, but the kid was having none of it.

He summoned some other small and equally bratty looking children. "Let's get him!" he yelled.

The group let out a communal war cry and leapt upon Russia as though he was Lucky the leprechaun with Lucky Charms cereal. Within seconds, the large man was covered with angry children kicking, punching, and jumping on him. (2)

Reaching out in an effort to escape the satanic child on his back, he watched helplessly as his small prize was carried off on the back of a giant panda. Life was so unfair!

Suddenly the panda was walking towards him, China still slung over its back like a drunken cowboy on a horse. His hope was briefly restored; maybe the animal would deposit the other man at his feet and help him escape!

No.

Standing before him, the mammal opened its mouth wide enough so it could swallow a Thanksgiving turkey whole and engulfed him.

Gasping, Russia's eyes flew open and he sat bolt upright. There were his drapes, his lamp, his iron bars on the window…okay he was in his bed. It had only been a dream.

Godammit.

It had only been a dream.

Sighing at his own misfortune, he was ready to pull the covers back over his head and go back to sleep when he heard the doorbell ring.

Pulling himself out of bed, he was ready to grab his pipe and bash the brains out of whoever was at the door. However, he decided to wait and see who it was first.

Yanking the door open, his expression of anger changed instantly to one of disturbing glee at seeing who was here to see him.

"You ordered a pizza aru?" China said cheerfully, holding a large steaming box in his hands.

Russia's smile grew wider and the gleam in his eyes brighter. "Why yes" he responded "Yes I did. Please come in."

A/N: I'm sorry! D: I'm sorry the ending kinda sucks, but it's all I could come up with right now. Maybe later I'll go back and fix it. I don't e Notes: (1) Borrowed from 30 Rock, does not belong to me (2) This is loosely based on an incident that really happened to my friend when she worked at Chuck E. Cheese—she got attacked by some kid while she was in the Chuck E. suit.