We walked into the Volturi reception room and met a woman with brown hair working at a desk. Human. When she heard our entrance, she jumped to her feet, sending a few sheets of paper flying and exclaimed "Jane! My main vamp!"
Oh, no. Please not again. Such an embarrassment. I hope Aro lets me eat her. Jane was thinking, but she kept her cool and simply nodded and said "Gianna."
"Awkward." Bella sang from under my arm.
This just annoyed Jane further and snapped "Humans do not talk in my presence."
"I wasn't talking…I was singing. Get it right!" Bella corrected her.
Ooh, if this could get any more embarrassing for me! "Well don't do that either!" Jane yelled back.
"Fine! … Can I hum?"
"No."
"Whistle?"
"No!"
"Fine!" Bella yelled and twisted her head to look at me with a slightly annoyed expression. "Geez, what's with her?"
"She's a major control freak." I answered her.
"I heard that!" Jane snapped from ahead of us.
"Well I said it out loud." I said.
Like I care. At least I don't have a weird taste in women. Hear that mind reader! Jane thought.
"And I heard that!" I yelled towards her back.
"Thought you would."
"I know you did."
"What?" Alice asked, confusion high in both her vocal voice and mental voice.
"She thinks I have a weird taste in women." I answered turning to her. "Jealous!" I sang.
"Am not!" Jane shouted.
"Are too!"
"Am not!"
"ARE TOO!" Alice, Bella and me all shouted at the same time.
Then suddenly Alec entered the room with a frustrated and annoyed look upon his face, and he yelled. "All of you shut up or I'll eat Bella!"
I could tell that he was being serious and so could the others, so we all stayed silent.
Relief ran like a river through Jane's mind at the sound of her twins' voice, "Thank you Alec." She said and approached her twin to kiss him on each cheek.
Ugh! Gross! WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS DO THAT?! "They send you out for one and you come back with two…and a half." Alec said. He then turned to face me and said, "You seem in a better mood."
"Yip, that's because I has my bird back."
I felt the temperature of Bella's skin grow as she blushed a deep red with anger.
"Do I have wings?" She sounded annoyed too. I didn't fully understand why…
I checked her back even though I knew she couldn't seriously think she had sprouted wings in the last five minutes. "Um…No I guess not…why?"
"Then don't call me a bird!" Oh! She thought I was calling her a bird! No!
"Who said I was talking about you? Look – " I pulled out my canary yellow pigeon I'd named Bob from an inside pocket of schparkly suit "Isn't it amazing?!"
What the hell? Alice thought. "How come it's yellow?" She said eyeing up Bob as if he was going to be her next meal. I would never let that happen to such a pretty birdie!
"Some moron stuck it in the washing machine with a yellow sock." I lied to her. Well… not a complete lie.
After a few moments hesitation, Bella asked, "It was you wasn't it?"
"No…" I trailed off.
"Edward…" Alice said sounding as if she didn't believe me one little bit.
I cracked. "Fine I did it! Okay?! Are you happy now?!"
"Kinda." Bella agreed. "Why were you washing it in a washing machine? You do know you're not supposed to do that right?"
"Yeah, but all of the bird baths were taken by ordinary pigeons and ugly ducklings, and to get to the next human bath slash - " I made a hand gesture to emphasise the forward slash "sink, I'd have to rent a room but I left all of my money in my other schparkly suit and there was a house right down the street and I politely broke in and stole – I mean! – Borrowed their washing machine."
There was a silence that lasted about three seconds after my rant before Alice finally said, "Still wearing the body glitter, huh?"
"But of course!" How could she doubt that?! Why would I ever leave my precious body glitter?! What an idiot that girl could be some times!
Weirdoooo! Alice sang in her head. I ignored her. She just didn't understand!
"So this is the cause of all the trouble." Alec butted in.
"You talking 'bout me?" Bella asked in a perfect interpretation of Catherine Tate. She was so amazing!
"Chyea!" Alec stated. "Why?"
"Because my name is Bella not it!"
Alec merely shrugged and said, "Okay."
Bella hesitated "You're still gonna call me 'it' aren't you?"
"Hell yeah!" Alec shouted and then stopped and looked horrified. "Oh no! I just cussed! Damn it!" His eyes widened and his hand flew up to cover his mouth. "Crap I did it again!" His eyes widened again. "And again!" And again, "Someone kill me!" He finally shouted, falling to the floor on his knees.
"I would love to" Bella said, "Just tell me how."
Alec stood up; apparently his acting charade was over. "I wasn't being serious."
"I was." Bella said. Alec backed away from her slightly.
I hope she doesn't try and kill me…Alec was thinking.
"Ooh you just got owned!" I shouted, pointing my finger at Alec's retreating figure.
"And by a human! For shame!" Alice joined in, we high-fived.
"Humans are scary…why do you think I became a vampire in the first place?" Alec said in all seriousness. Right then another two figures entered the room.
"I don't think she's scary." One of them said. "Dibs!" He called.
"That's not fair, Felix!" The other said.
"Yes it was, Demetri!" Felix said. "I was in the same room and within 10 meters of her at the time that I called dibs!"
"Damn." Demetri breathed, punching at the air with his fist.
"Don't say that word!" Alec shouted hysterically.
"What?" Demetri asked, not sounding confused at all. "Damn?"
"Yes. Stop saying it!" Alec demanded.
"A one, a two, a one, two, three, four!" Demetri said.
"Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn…damn, damn!" Demetri and Felix started singing. I was beginning to suspect that this was all planned.
"Noooo!" Alec screamed a high-pitched girlie scream and fled from the room with his fingers in his ears.
There was a moment's pause before Jane continued "And now we really must get to Aro. We mustn't keep him waiting." No, we must not keep Mr. Hunk waiting. She thought. I wanted to barf.
Alice seemed to be on the same tracks as me as she said, "No we wouldn't want to keep your boyfriend waiting."
Ohmigod! How do they know about my fantasies?! "He's not my boyfriend." She sated calmly.
"Oh, I'm sorry." Alice said with mock sincerity in her voice. "I should have said husband."
"No! It's not true!" Oh, but if only it was. And Jane proceeded to have a very vivid daydream that I don't think is appropriate to narrate to the rest of the young society. But that wasn't going to stop me from laughing at it.
"Whatchu laughing at?" Bella demanded.
"She just had the mental image of Aro in nice tight fitting boxers." I said through my giggle fit.
"Why's that funny? I think it's gross." Alice said looking disgusted at me.
"Same." Agreed Bella.
"Because then she mentally drooled all over her shirt!" I couldn't help the bubble of hysterics that escaped my mouth; I was no longer the only one laughing any more. Alice and Bella had joined in. Jane, on the other hand, just kept on walking and twitching her but as if she could not hear a word that just passed in the last conversation.
We entered the giant throne room at last, finally swallowing down our hysterics with only a few giggles escaping every now and then.
The guy in the biggest throne was the same guy from Jane's imagination… Aro. He jumped down from his throne and punched Jane's shoulder. "Jane! Fo shizzle! My homie has returned!"
"Chyea I have!" Jane said, looking enthusiastic and her imagination getting wildly out of control.
"Oh, sorry. I meant Edward." Aro said and Jane looked down towards the floor disappointed.
"Aw! You mean, mean, mean man!" Bella scolded.
Aro sighed heavily "What's I done now?
"Can't you tell she smitten with you?" Bella demanded.
"Who?" He asked, totally oblivious.
"JANE!" We all yelled in unison.
"Naw! You're making that up! Am I on T.V?!" He started frantically jumping up and down and looking around the room as if expecting to see a camera man.
"No you moron! It's true! Isn't it Jane?" Bella said.
"Yeah." Jane breathed.
"Spekenzee up small fry! We don't all have super hearing!" Bella shouted at her cupping her ear to try and hear her better.
"Yes okay it's true!" Jane shouted.
"Toldja so." The three of us said.
"Hmm…I wonder…" Aro's mind was branching out into different speculations.
He'd decided what he was going to do. No one would want to see this! I would not let Bella's sight be harmed by what terrible sights were about to happen. "Don't look." I said to Bella, she complied and shied into my shoulder.
"Wait for it, wait for it…" Alice was saying. Aro walked towards Jane and offered her a gummy bear from his selection. "LEG IT!" She yelled.
I scooped Bella up in my arms and we made a hasty run for the exit.
"Aww, I hate fast food! It makes me bloated!" Felix said.
"Me too." Demetri said. "Soooo unfair!" He said in a mock homosexual voice and the hand flick. "I did that a little too well didn't I?" Felix simply nodded.
At the end of the hall we met Gianna blocking our exit with her arms raised. "Oi! Where do you think you're going?" She demanded.
"Home." I answered. Where else? "But my spidey-senses are telling me there's a place more boring for us to be now."
"You can go home, just as soon as the sun has gone." She said.
I heard footsteps catching up to us and Alec emerged from the corridor "Woo!" He screamed, "Go Gianna! Yeshh, boss says you must stay till the sun goes down and you must, must, must either kill Bella or turn her into a vampire."
"Why?" Alice demanded.
"She knows that I'm gay!" Alec yelled as if this was obvious.
"Me? I don't know nuffin!" Bella said in mock stupidity.
"You know Aro and Jane are together." Alec continued.
"But so do Edward and Alice." Bella countered.
Alec sighed "Yesh but they're so much harder to kill! And that would mean that I'd have to kill you all and with my track record I'd not be able to do it which leaves Gianna who is well… basically useless." He finished.
"Hey!" Gianna shouted.
"You know it's true." Alec said to her.
"Yeah but there was no need to say it because now they know!"
"We already knew." I said, "Soz and all that."
"Anyhoo – " Alice cut across Alec.
"My word!"
"What?" Alec asked sounding shocked.
"That's my word." She explained. "I need it for Breaking Dawn, so hands off freak!"
"We can share…" Alec said. Hopefully she'll think I mean the word…Alec was thinking.
"Ewww!" I yelled
"What?" Bella demanded.
"He meant sharing Jasper!"
"Ewww! Gross!" Bella and Alice said at the same time.
"Whatev…" Alec dismissed it. "Anyway kill her or change her?"
Now that I thought about it, Bella would probably be better off dead. "Um… kill her."
"Edward!" Bella shouted sounding hurt.
"What?" I demanded. How could she be so selfish? I knew what was best for her! "I know this is gonna sound harsh but God obviously doesn't want you alive."
"Yeah, I mean come on!" Alice agreed. "Tyler Crowley's van, James and Victoria, the incident at your birthday… it's obvious."
"But – "
"No!" I cut across her. "It's settled. You're too much trouble and hassle worth of saving all the time."
I won't tell you all of what happened because I don't want to ruin my PG 13 rating, but basically, in a nutshell, Alice and me just killed Bella… rather gruesomely I might add.
"Ha!" Alec exclaimed. "Gotcha! Boss never said you had to do that!" He began to laugh uncontrollably.
I looked towards Bella's mangled body, "We've been framed! Is she really dead?"
"Chyea!" Alec said.
I shrugged. I could live with that. Alice nodded.
"Fine I guess we can deal with that. Can we go home now?" I asked.
"Yeah s'pose so." Alec said gasping for breathe from his past giggle fit.
We left the Volturi building and stole another car. I was driving and Alice was in the passengers seat.
"So who's telling Jasper we killed her before he could?"
Did you like it? Did it make you laugh? Which parts? Let me know. Review please! I must say I adore that last line.