Disclaimer – Please see chapter 1
A/N – Thank you again for all the great reader support of the story & all the wonderful reviews. As always they are very much welcomed and appreciated. This is the last chapter before I post the epilogue where I will cover any unanswered questions the story has left with you all, concerning Grissom, Sara and the little boy. Hope it pleases! Story is beta'd by myself so any remaining mistakes are all mine, so I apologize in advance. R & R Enjoy!
Fall Out Boy – Chapter 47 Fessing up.
Leaving LVPD Gil absentmindedly held out the keys to Sara while he tried to organize his thoughts, she took them without word, guessing he needed some time to analyze all that had just happened, but all the same she was a little shocked that he wanted her to drive them in his personal car.
Silently they both got in the car, then Sara drove out of the LVPD parking lot, shooting a sideways glance at Gil who had his head tilted back on the seat headrest with his eyes closed.
God! This is such an awful mess...........
What just nearly happened to me?
What did I almost do back there?
What am I really capable of, if pushed?
Christ!....
I'm the loose cannon with a service weapon...........Me.....Not Sara................Damned you Ecklie.
God! if I'd have had my gun.....What then?
Shit!
Would I have been so out of control to have used it?
Jeez I can't go there right now..............This is scary enough as it is.
He raised his hand, running it over his face wearily, while dropping his chin to his chest, eyes still close, admittedly feeling very ashamed at his actions.
Unwilling to catch Sara's gaze just yet, afraid of what he may see in her eyes after his display.
I can't believe I took the bait and let that son of a bitch wind me up like that.............
Nearly pushing me to the point of no return................
And loosing all my god damned self control in front of everyone.........
In front of Sara dammit.
Gil let out a self deprecating sigh, as his head tilted back again.
I've never wanted to........
In my whole life 'ever', so far.
Never ever, felt like I.........
Like I.........Wanted to seriously do harm to another human being.
No....Not just another, but...........To........To that smug and cocky, arrogant son of a bitch.
Shut him the fuck up for good.............
Hurt him.......Like he did to my......To my.......Kye
God, I really so wanted.........To pummel the life from him.
Letting out a labored breath, Gil continued on with his guilty and ashamed thoughts.
Whats sort of man does that make me?
No better than all those criminals that I've helped put behind bars.....
With Frost and his small army of goons who carry out his orders being among them,
Rolling his head on his shoulders to try to ease some of the tense knots in his neck, Gil heard a few gentle cracks that indicated how much he'd let the man get to him.
He let out mild huff.
Maybe it's time to considered retirement.
Get out now.....
While the goings good..........
Before I do tarnish my reputation and career beyond repair.
Maybe take some time........
At that precise moment, Gil felt Sara's hand, land gently upon his thigh, a reassuring gesture, a show of comfort too.
Opening his eyes and rolling his head to the side, he looked at her profile as she drove, studied it intently, taking in all of her natural inner and physical beauty.
His tormenting thoughts slipping away with ease, as he felt some of the stress and tension ease from his body, she could always affect him in the right ways when he needed it the most, and he was still in awe of how she managed to do this.
Gil could get so wrapped up in the inner workings of his own mind, that he often forgot how to interact with the rest of the world while doing so, that was where Sara continually came to his rescue, grounding and anchoring him before he got totally lost.
Flicking a quick look towards Gil as she eased off the gas pedal to enter the labs parking lot, she smiled reassuringly at him.
"It's really is okay Gil" she said, returning her gaze to the car ramp they were approaching.
Giving his thigh a little squeeze, she then removed it, to use to maneuver the steering wheel "Don't worry" she added as they drove up to the next level.
"I know" he replied quietly, then added sincerely "And thank you" in reference to earlier, stopping him from making a huge mistake with Frost.
Her usual perceptions to his thoughts and feelings while they worked together as CSI's, had him now wondering how much of the conversation in the interview room she'd in fact heard.
And thats when it hit him as he recalled the smug mans taunting words, that he still hadn't told her about his brief romantic connection to Kye's mother, that he'd previously dated a work colleague.
God! How much did Sara hear of Frosts words?
I never wanted her to find out like this.......Gil thought as the Denali came to a stop in the Lab parking lot
Sara made no move to exit the vehicle, he'd been almost silent the whole ride, and she knew he was trying to deal with how his emotions had gotten so out of control back at LVPD, so she gave him some extra time for his thoughts.
Sensing Sara was waiting him out, to either speak or make some kind of move, Gil slowly unbuckled his seatbelt as he tried to formulate in his mind how to proceed with explaining to her about Charlotte.
Turning in his seat to face Sara, who was staring out of the front windshield, Gil reached for her nearest hand on her leg, and entwined his fingers with hers "Sara" he spoke softly, to get her to look at him.
Sara turned a lovely reassuring smile towards him, encouraging him to feel at ease with her.
"Sara.......I don't know how much..........I'm not sure what you......I......What.....I....I'm...trying..." Gil let out a frustrated rush of breath, as he broke her gaze and looked out of the front of the car, still trying to find the right words to use.
Squeezing his hand in hers, Sara spoke up to try to help him with his internal word battle "Gil it's okay".
Gil turned to her, leveling Sara with his gaze, she was doing it again, giving him the usual 'out', when she felt he was struggling to convey something to her that he was uncomfortable with "No. It's not okay Sara" he decided not to take the option, but plow on with what he needed to confess to her.
Recognizing some degree of guilt flash with in his eyes, Sara frowned, wondering what he could possibly have done to feel guilty about where she concerned recently.
"I should have told you when all of this started with the cases, with Kye and........." He closed his eyes briefly, then opened them again, seeing her confusion was distracting him "But I put it off as per usual....Choosing to ignore the issue..........At the time......Then putting it to the back of my mind until a better time to approach it with you".
Now Sara was a little worried, along with confused at what he was trying to tell her.
Seeing the concern in Sara's eyes, Gil bravely carried on, as he rubbed his thumb gently over the back of her hand soothingly "Kye's mother.......Charlotte Merridian. She was a DNA lab technician at CSI, on the night shift....A colleague...........One of our.........'My' co-workers." he clarified nervously, searching her face for any sign of emotions "Before I asked you to came to Vegas........Before I was abruptly given the job of supervisor" he paused swallowing hard "She..........Charlotte....Swapped shifts......Then she left shortly after you arrived".
The deep frown lines that creased Sara's forehead, along with her elongated reply of "Uh Huhhhhhhh", had Gil shifting in his seat uncomfortably.
Whatever it was that Gil wished to express to her, he was determined to do so right now, so Sara decided to let him continue without further interruption until he had finished, she offered him a weak smile hoping to ease some on the discomfort now present in his current posture.
"I...........We........Well,........Urm......Charlotte and I" he immediately saw realization cross Sara's face, and felt her fingers momentarily tense in his grasp as she caught on to exactly what he was about to confess to her.
Taking in a large breath, then swallowing with much effort, Gil proceeded "We dated...........Briefly" he added as he felt panic overcome him, as Sara tried to pull her hand free from his.
He tightened his grip on her hand, imploring her with his eyes to let him finish "When I say briefly.......I...I mean..........Just......Just a couple of times.............You know...........Friends sharing casual dinners together........Like we did in Frisco " Gil winced at his own words, why the hell did he have to be so stupid, as to bring up their past now.
"Okaaaaaaaaaay" Sara replied dragging the word out with uncertainty, her natural defenses rearing up as she used her other arm to wrap it around her midsection, her eyes dropping to her lap, inside her head she was screaming, He dated a woman from work.
On the same shift as him no less.
But he wouldn't.......Or as he said, he couldn't damned well date me......
Oh no, he just flirted shamelessly with me at every opportunity........Reeling me in with unspoken promises.....Just to push me away again when he felt I was getting a little too close.
No.......He wouldn't even accept my dinner invitation, after I put myself out there for him.....
He dismissed me without a moments hesitation, as if I'd made some kind of joke with the offer.....And that half smirk/smile thing that he did too.
Then he damned well had the cheek to 'Ask', then take Sofia out to dinner too......
What the hell?
He made me wait five long painful years, god damned it......
Why? Why tell me all this now?
Intent to get over to Sara how the situation was for him at the time of his seeing Charlotte, Gil pressed on pulling her enclosed delicate hand in his, up to his chest, hoping to get her to look at him again "I was still just a CSI level three when we first had dinner honey..........Holly Gribbs was killed.......Jim was demoted.............I was thrown into a new working position.........Then you came to work for me.......With me..........As......As my subordinate.....And I was just so thrown off kilter with my emotions and the tenuous control on my life then, that.........I......I.......Made the first in a long line of foolish mistakes".
Sara lifted her chin and turned to look at him, she was analyzing his reasoning as his eyes softened, seeking forgiveness withing her own brown orbs.
"I invited her over to my place, set up what I thought was going to be a different kind of dating experience....But she laughed at me when she saw what my intention was....She....She mocked me....Then said that I didn't have to try so hard....To Just" Gil lowered his eyes, then brought them up to hers, a light pink flush appearing on his cheeks "To just lay one on her....Be kind of......I don't know, be all masterful, Cave man and take charge. But I saw it as her issuing a challenge to me.......So I did, I took charge and we ended up sleeping together that night, completely unprepared and both of us regretting it later, when we realized it wasn't ever going to work out between us both".
Sara nodded for him to continue, she wanted to ask him something, and she internally promised herself that she would when he was finished, a question that needed to be answered as far as she was concerned.
Seeing the signs for Sara beginning to forgive him, and feeling her hand relaxing in his again, Gil plowed on, he'd gotten out the worst of his confession so far, he just needed to explain to her the relevance to it pertaining to Kye now.
"That one night with Charlotte, I later found out as the first of the cases came in, coincided with around the time that Kye was conceived, so I knew that with the dates before me, that I could possibly be the boys biological father. But as it turned out Mr Pettigrew's DNA was in the system already because of his job, and they identified him to be the child's natural father".
Gil sighed then spoke again "At that point I didn't know exactly where our relationship was heading Sara" he indicated between Sara and himself "Whether it was going to just be rekindling and improving on the friendship that we had originally established back in Frisco, or perhaps that it was going to enter a new phase for us.........Taking on a more romantic nature.......One that.......I knew by then, that I was finally ready for, more open to exploring with you. So I had decided that a good step forward for me was to start being more open and honest with you by telling you all about my connection to Kye's mother".
Finishing up relaying all that he felt he needed to at this time, Gil unknowingly held his breath, awaiting for Sara to speak as he searched her face and eyes for any clues, to the reception of the news.
Pondering all that he had said, Sara nodded perceptibly with a small appreciative smile, letting him know that he was forgiven, but she still had her question to ask, and she knew this was as good a time as any to do so now.
Flicking a quick glance out of the front window, Sara spotted one of the lab tech's heading towards the elevator into the Lab, but that the covered parking lot looked mostly quiet, before looking back at Gil "And Heather?" she asked tentatively.
"Heather?" Gil mildly frowned in question at her, his heart rate increasing with the very mention of the woman, and the can of worms that opened up for him with Sara.
"Was that a 'Foolish' mistake too Gil?" she asked quoting him, wanting to know more about the weird attraction he had towards the dominatrix, but not daring to directly ask him if he'd been intimate with the unsavory woman, the very idea of Lady Heather and her trade repulsed her immensely.
"No......Yes!........I mean kind of" he replied all to quickly for Sara's liking.
Giving him a pointed look, to get him to elaborate, Sara waited him out yet again as he seemed to ponder what to say.
Gil let out long controlled breath as he measured his words carefully "Yes. it was a mistake initially. On my part that for a very brief moment, when I thought that Heather could distract me.......From....From the intense, and often inappropriate thoughts that I was having about you all the time.......Of longing for you....Wanting you..............But knowing I shouldn't as your boss......." he rubbed his other hand wearily over his face as he stared out the front of the car, then continued "But then I realized as I was about step into the realms of intimacy with her, that I would be no better than any of her clients, using Heather for my own selfish gratification and reasons".
Turning to face Sara, Gil's face took on a softer, much younger, vulnerable look as he spoke sincerely to her "That was the moment that It hit me, that sex without there being love and genuine feelings present, was just that for me 'Sex', a quick means to an end. Pointless. And for me personally, not at all what I sought".
He leaned slowly into her personal space as he went on "What I wanted the most honey,..........Longed for....And needed. Was for any sexually intimate act on my part, to be that of making love, with the only woman I had been in love with, for much longer than I dared to admit to myself at the time. So we never..............".
Stunned by his heartfelt admission of love for her, but not only that, the fact that he'd also admitted to only having loved her, Sara leaned the rest of the way in, surprising him with planting a needy, urgent kiss to his mouth.
Taken by such quick surprise, a little confused at the reasoning for her instigated, her sudden amorousness, Gil opened his mouth slightly, running his tongue between her soft supple lips, seeking entrance, which she readily granted, and needing no further invitation, he deepened the kiss, as Sara let a moan reverberate from her throat, that he swallowed.
The free arm of Sara's wrapped around his neck, her fingers automatically seeking out the soft gray curls at the nape of his neck, while he kept her other next to his heart, his other around her back, pulling her closer to him.
After several minutes of them devouring each other with such intensity, catching minute snatches of air in between, they pulled apart gasping to haul in huge rapid breaths.
Smiling widely at him, the special 'for him only' smile, her eyes sparling and danced with happiness, Sara regained her breath, then breathed out what she had longed to say to him for years "I love to too Gil" she pecked his lips, adding "Always" when she pulled back to look into the depths of vivid blue orbs, of the real Gilbert Grissom, who right now was openly letting her see right into his very soul.
Gil grinned goofily, feeling very proud of himself for not only putting that beautiful smile upon her face, but actually managing to utter the very words he had spent years practicing in his head to say to her, not how he had imagined or planned non the less, but they were out there now, and whats more she had heard him speak them.
Reveling in their shared feelings of a new level of happiness, it took another ten minutes of making out, before Gil gently reminded them that they had a certain little boy awaiting their return.
The mainstay of the conversation forgotten for now, to be approached again at a later date, along with the 'Hank' one, they walked hand in hand into the elevator.
As they reached their required floor, just before the two doors opened, Gil leaned into Sara's side conspiratorially, whispering into her ear "I love you Sara Sidle".
Sara beamed a huge smile at him, and was about to open her mouth to reply, when the doors slid open.
"Later Gilbert" she intoned teasingly with promise, as they released hands striding down the corridor, shoulder to shoulder, a little bounce in both of their steps.
A/N – I Hope you all enjoyed the chapter & I hope I never made you all wait too long for this. Do you all want an epilogue? Questions you still have about aspects of the story, answered? Another surprise maybe? Okay the epilogue will be posted soon! Have fun!
Please take the time to review the chapter or the story, it means a lot that you do so to me! - Thanks.