Chapter 4

Hotch had said he wanted her and Rossi for a meeting in his office in – JJ took a look at her watch – half an hour. He didn't sound too pleasant when he came to her office after his talk with Rossi, but hadn't said anything about the content of his and Rossi's conversation. His facial expression gave away a lot, though, anger clearly shining through his usual stoic mimic.

Although he hadn't specifically made the meeting an order, JJ knew that it was. And she also knew why. Besides trying everything to support her as a friend, of which she was really grateful, JJ was aware of the fact that Hotch was worried about his team, that he had to make sure that, however she and Rossi stood to each other, the team didn't suffer.

She perfectly understood him, the last thing she wanted was to let their private life interfere with their work, with the team's success, and as much as she wanted inflict unbearable harm on Rossi at the moment, she also knew that she would find a way to bring herself to maintain a professional work relationship with him. The team needed him, as a world class profiler he was vital to their achievement. They all played an important part in their high success rates, each member of the team in its own way, and JJ did not want to jeopardize that.

With a deep sigh she made her decision. She was going to give Rossi one last chance at their meeting with Hotch. Not knowing what they both had talked about earlier, she thought that maybe Rossi just needed a few moments to get used to the fact of having a child soon. Should he apologize to her later, she would not deprive him of the chance of being a father. Should he, however, remain the stubborn person he had shown her he was this morning, she would not let him within a one mile radius of her child.

Professional behavior at work, she reckoned, should not be a problem for her. If she could deal with a horde of hungry hyenas of the press on each case, than she could also get on with Rossi.

Another glance at her watch told her it was time now. Slowly walking across the bullpen to Hotch's office, she was glad that her teammates still seemed to be on their lunch break, as a meeting between her, Rossi and Hotch, and without them, surely would have aroused questions, she was not prepared to answer yet.

*******

As soon as Hotch had left Rossi's office again, he sat back in his chair and slammed his hand on the desk. Damn, JJ's pregnancy and Hotch's clear leaning towards her side had caught him off guard.

Becoming a father still seemed unreal to him, the whole concept of being a parent never had this welcoming appeal to him that it seemed to have on most other people.

JJ was a wonderful person, someone who he had easily fallen for the moment they'd met, but he had never made a move, knowing that this – a family and children – was what she wanted, and what he would never be able to give her. When she'd met Will LaMontagne, he was happy for her for having found someone that could give her what she wanted, even though it still hurt that she was now officially off limits for him. But that stupid idiot of a cop had screwed up and Rossi, standing by her side as a true and reliable friend, had felt himself being drawn more and more into JJ's sphere, until that one night a couple of weeks ago, when he wasn't able to hold himself back anymore. Oh, how much he wished the next morning that he had! There was no way he could have more than one night with her. She was highly addictive, and he knew that if he didn't watch out, he'd be in for everything, without a return ticket.

Oh, the problem was not Henry. He loved the little boy, more than he dared imagine, but he told himself repeatedly that he was not made to be a father. The risk of screwing up was too high, he told himself, so there was only one way to prevent that: Stop it, before it had a chance to start.

God, how much he had missed JJ in the nights to follow. Talk about addiction...

Every night, he went to bed wishing she was there with him, if only to hold her, inhale her unique scent and keep her and himself warm. But his last thoughts before he fell asleep were always: "It's for the best."

And now this! Ever since JJ had told him the news this morning, his world seemed to be spinning around him, seemed to slip out of his control.

He had to make sense of it until the meeting with Hotch and JJ, but wherever he started to order his thoughts, he only came back to one and the same point: "I can't be a father, I'm not ready to be a father." He had to laugh scornfully at his own thoughts. Fifty four years old and not ready to be a father, that was just as ridiculous as it sounded. Putting all his hope into Hotch's ability to mediate, he stood up as he noticed that it was time for their meeting and went over to his office.

At the door he met JJ, shooting him a dark look, and he cringed at the hurt and pain he detected in her eyes, knowing that it was him who had caused it, and not being sure at how to ease it.