Chapter 12
Stepping out of the hospital, Rossi didn't really know where to go. He didn't care anyway.
His mind raced around thoughts about JJ, the baby, and Henry. He felt like he was only a bystander watching his own life running past him, and he couldn't seem to get a hold of it anymore. It was as if he had lost control over everything, and losing control was something he was definitely not used to. He needed to get it back, at least the control over his emotions.
Everything could be so much easier if he hadn't feelings for Jennifer and the children. He could just walk away and not care about what everyone else thought of him. But it didn't work this way, not this time around. This time, he had too many feelings invested himself to be able to just let go.
Breathing in the cool November air, Rossi walked down the streets without looking around. He didn't know how long of far he had been going, but when he stopped and raised his head for the first time, he saw that he was standing in front of a church.
"Funny," he thought, wondering, "how I always end up at a place like this, when I've got problems."
Hesitating for a short moment, he climbed up the stairs and went inside. He was not sure if he could find the answers he was looking for in here, but the quiet and sacred atmosphere of a church had always helped him to clear his mind when he needed time to think.
Once again he was grateful for his catholic upbringing, having given him a place to go whenever he needed to find peace and quiet, even if he hadn't been a good boy. And now it was not about being a bad boy who had played stupid pranks on his neighbors or the girls. This time he had really screwed up.
He went to the front and lit a candle before sitting down.
Leaning back, he stared at the altar, trying to sort his thoughts. They were still racing around in his head, making him feel dizzy.
"God, if I'm already feeling sick, I can't even imagine what Jennifer must feel like."
He remembered seeing her in this hospital bed, pale and tired, much like she had looked over the last months, and he had had to fight the urge to pull her into his arms, and tell her that everything would be okay. Would it really? Would everything be okay? Would he be able to make things right? He didn't know, wasn't sure if she would ever let him, but right here in that church, he realized that he would do everything within his power to correct his mistakes. Because in that moment he fully understood for the first time what it meant for him and his life if Jennifer and the children - both their unborn one and Henry - wouldn't be in it. And it was not a pleasurable thought.
He had theoretically known over the last months that they would be out of reach for him if he didn't watch out, but so far he hadn't fully grasped what it meant if they were gone. Now he did. He could see himself sitting alone in his dark house, bitter and jaded, with no one there but a bottle of Scotch. He would end up like a crazy old fool, hating himself for all the lost chances in his life. Shaking his head, he corrected himself: "I already hate myself anyway."
How did he become such a jerk? Needless to say that he wished Morgan had punched him harder. It was about time someone did it, there was nothing he deserved more right now. How could he ever have been so stupid to say he was not ready to be a father? With everything he had said to Jennifer, he knew it wouldn't be easy to get her to listen to him.
But that reminded him of one of his most prominent character traits: His stubbornness. He would not give up until she was willing to let him be a part of their lives. Because he loved her, and he loved Henry, and he already loved their baby. He couldn't believe it took him so long to get to that point, and now he could only hope that he was able to get Jennifer to let him in again, and that he wasn't too late.