Thank you for reading. Enjoy!
xxxx
Heart-stained but never weak
You lay down alone but you don't mind
Questions that never breathe
Your face on a wall that I can't shake
xxxx
She opens an eye to see the dull white lights pass overhead.
Everything around her is a blur. She can't distinguish anything other than the aching pain that seems to have spread through her whole body.
She hears someone calling her name, asking her to focus but she doesn't care.
She knows where she is and what's happening and all she wants to do is pretend it isn't happening. That she isn't there, that she never left Tree Hill, that her store was never broken into. That there might still be something to believe in.
But it's all too much and she knows she's losing the baby she wasn't even sure she wanted.
Haley was supposed to help her. They were going to go to the doctor's together.
A few tears escaped and fell down the side of her face but there's no one there to wipe them away.
There are doctors and nurses by her side. Saying things she already knows. She ignores them.
She swore a long time a go she'd never need anyone to do anything for her but she manages to get into these kinds of situations time and time again.
She feels like the failure her mother said she was.
There's pity and judgment in their voices. She wonders if she's a bad person.
There's really no one else to blame but herself.
She feels a hand find hers, squeezing gently, asking her to squeeze back and let him know that everything was going to be alright.
But she doesn't know if everything is going to be alright. Instead she feels like there's further to fall before she's given reprieve.
She feels a prick and someone says she's being given a sedative to help with the pain.
"It'll make the process go easier," a doctor states.
She makes no reply.
"What process?"
She hears Lucas ask.
He's asked to stay behind and his hand lets go of hers, though, she hears him tell her its going to be alright.
She remembers a time when she had faith in things he said but by now she's been hurt too much to trust that things would end up anywhere near alright.
The nurse tells her what is going to happen and she merely nods along. She's indifferent at this point.
Everything she does ends up wrong anyways. She can add this to the list.
The sedative takes effect a few minutes later and she welcomes the feeling of nothing.
xxxx
She wakes feeling not much better than earlier.
Lucas is in the chair beside. He's got his head in his hands.
He notices her stir and he looks at her blankly. His eyes are red and his hands shake slightly as he places them at the side of the chair.
"The doctor's said you lost the baby."
His voice is just as empty as his expression.
She shifts uncomfortably. The thin hospital gown she's wearing is making her feel even more vulnerable. But then again with Lucas she was always vulnerable. He just never seemed to take notice.
"They said you were four months…"
The silence between them is painful and she still feels numb from the sedative.
She knows he knows. It was all too coincidental for her to disappear at that time.
He stands up and walks awkwardly around the small room.
"The bruises, those statistics you rattled off…" He says heavily.
He's already figured everything out and she has no idea what to say or how to explain.
"Lucas…" she says quietly.
The emptiness in her voice is enough for him to know what he's concluded is true.
He takes a step back and kicks the chair near her. She cringes slightly.
"Luke…please don't"
He runs his hands through his hair. She can tell he wants to throw things, yell, scream, but he's constrained by the setting.
"Why…why didn't you tell me? I could've helped you…"
"You couldn't. No one could."
She feels detached from him, from this whole situation. Like she isn't really there.
There's a welcomed knock on the door and Haley peers in seconds later.
Brooke has never been more relieved in her life.
Haley looks at them both and her eyes narrow on Lucas.
"Lucas Scott. Can I talk to you in the hallway?"
She's in tutor-mom mode and that voice is the one she uses when a student is in trouble.
Lucas gives Brooke a guilty look before walking out of the room.
Haley enters a moment alter.
"Lucas is going home."
Brooke gives her a small smile, "Thanks."
Haley sat at the edge of Brooke's bed.
"I'm sorry…" she whispers.
Brooke nods.
"It happened so quickly. I couldn't even think," she says in a rushed tone.
Haley takes her hand, trying to break down the barrier Brooke had put up.
"How are you feeling?"
"Tired and achy. The doctors said I have to stay overnight."
Brooke wants to say more but she's back in the same position she was earlier. Unsure what it all means.
"I'm going to sit here. Why don't you rest and if you need anything just let me know."
Haley settled into the chair Lucas had knocked over.
"Thanks Haley."
"When you want to talk…I'm here Brooke."
Brooke nodded and let sleep come over her once again.
xxxx
Day comes and her release papers are all signed. Her bag is full of pamphlets on how to deal with the loss and she's sure she's going to burn them as soon as she gets home.
She doesn't want to think about it any longer.
She gets in the car with Haley. She still hasn't said anything about losing the baby but Haley doesn't pry at the moment.
They drive mostly in silence until they get to her house, Haley had stopped trying to convince her to come home with her before they left the hospital but now having reached Haley gave it one more try.
"You should come home with me Brooke. You shouldn't be alone right now."
Brooke shook her head, "I'm perfectly fine. The doctor gave me a clean bill of health. I'll come by tomorrow for dinner."
"You sure?"
Brooke gave her a smile, "Yes, I'm sure. Thanks for everything."
Brooke exits the car with her things and makes her way to the door. It's cool out but the wind doesn't seem to affect her.
The lights are all off inside. She turns one on and sees a figure at her kitchen counter.
"I'm too tired for this Lucas."
She leans against the door already feeling drained.
"I came here after I left the hospital. I got you groceries and brought some more blankets."
"I don't need your help."
She replies quickly. She wants him to leave because she doesn't know how long she can play strong in front of him. If there was anyone who always saw through her it was Lucas.
He sighs, "Brooke…please don't shut me out like this."
"I'm not shutting you out."
He leans on to the back of the couch, his eyes focused on the tile in front of him.
"It feels like you're shutting me out."
"Maybe we're just not as close as you thought we were."
He looks up at her with a pained expression.
"When did we become people who couldn't talk to each other?"
She shrugs her shoulders.
"A long time a go Lucas. I'm sorry you didn't realize earlier."
It's been building. Every disappointment, every moment she was alone helped create the distance between her and everyone she once considered her best friends.
His voice quivers, "I'm sorry too."
"I'm fine Lucas. If that's what you need to hear to feel better about yourself then there. I'm alright. I don't need to be rescued. I just want to be left alone."
His eyes meet hers for a moment but she looks away.
His gaze was too intense, like he could tell everything just by looking at her.
He walks towards her and places his arms around her.
She resists at first but his arms refuse to loosen.
She hates that she always gives in to him. She hates that she's crying and that he's holding her but she doesn't have the energy to resist.
"I really am sorry Brooke," he whispers into her ear and she feels goose bumps.
She's not sure how long they stood by the door but she woke up hours later on the couch covered in one of Lucas' old blankets.
xxxx
You hold me like a bag of bones
Wrapped up and underground
Pull me out so I can feel
Make me believe, that one more night's
Not a minute too long when a moment's all I need
xxxx
Thriving Ivory lyrics
So Brooke did loose the baby. I know it's horrible and I debated for a long time if that was the path I wanted the story to take but it'll work out in the end. It will be very angsty for a while. Brooke's got a lot to work through, and losing this baby doesn't help. But she will have a lot of people helping her (including a Brathan convo in the next update!) There'll be more Brucas too. And Peyten is pretty much out of the story for a while (I don't think I could stand to write Leyten scenes!)
Thanks for reading. I really do love the feedback, especially since Brucas is a renewed interest of mine (I watched OTH in the beginning for them but hated the B/L/P triangle so I had to stop). It really sucks with everything the prodcuer has said lately but I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for the show to end Brucas (that way I can go back and watch the entire series w/o being totally disappointed).
Reviews are inspiration so please leave any thoughts you have. Thanks again.