xxxx
You said it the perfect way
On your own and out loud
You said the perfect way
You were strong and resound
They didn't want to hear it, but it's time
xxxx
They give have her something to help with the pain. She filled the prescription this morning and by now she's taken twice the recommended dosage. It's not until three in the afternoon that she gets out of bed and really only that because Jaime left her a message about dinner that evening.
She stood in front of the bathroom mirror, wiping the steam that had built from her shower. She had barely looked in a mirror since she had left. Maybe that was why she no longer recognized the person staring back at her. The bruises which had marred her pale skin long gone but she still felt the phantom pains from that night.
It still haunted her. He still haunted her. The faceless man her mother had paid to steal everything.
And he did manage to take everything because she had no idea who she was or what she was doing anymore. Her life has no purpose at this point and she felt anxious. She had always known the next step. She always had a dream, a plan, a future.
Now she felt like she was against a brick wall with no where to go. She only remembered feeling this way when the bottom fell out with Lucas. The chocking feeling of realizing everything you had planned is suddenly not possible.
But she's been battling this feeling of aimlessness for four long months and it only seems worse now that she's lost a child she barely knew she was carrying.
She remembered when she left it didn't matter that she felt so lost. When she left she planned to never come back. What would they think of her if they knew the truth? What did she think of herself?
Her hands trembled and the emotions she had tried to pretend didn't exist came back.
She remembered that once she was described as 'brilliant, beautiful, and brave.' It felt like a lifetime ago. She hadn't felt any of those things in a long time and she's beginning to wonder if she was ever any one of those things. There was nothing to prove that at some point she had embodied those traits.
'Brooke Davis is gonna to change the world…'
His words kept echoing in her mind. What mark had she left? She had nothing to show for her life. That was why it was so easy to make the decision she had made. Leave and never come back. Leave and let it all end.
She waited for them to forget. To wipe Brooke Davis from their memories and lives. It would hurt too much otherwise.
She knew about the private investigator, that they tried to get in contact with her, that they looked for her. She knew it all but she remained hidden. They'd forget about her and then she could forget about herself.
They had each other and she had nothing to live for. It was that simple. But then she missed her period. It was only one month, she rationalized. She blamed it on stress. She had been attacked and she had just left the only place she had ever called home. But when she began to throw up every morning and it had been three missed periods she knew what was wrong. She realized then how merciless the world could truly be.
She heard her name being called from downstairs shaking her from her self-defeating thoughts.
She wasn't afraid; she had lost fear a long time ago. You could really only fear when you had something to lose. She just felt tired, all the time. She hated putting on her act again. Putting together enough pieces of herself to just get by.
She headed down to find Nathan standing at her coffee pot.
He glanced over at her, his lips forming a taught smile, "Hey Brooke. I let myself in."
He jingled a set of keys.
"Hey," she replied quietly from the bottem of the stairs.
He walked towards her and enveloped her in a hug.
"Its good to have you back."
She breathed a heavy sigh of relief and tightened her arms around him.
"I'm sorry Nate," she whispered into his shoulder.
He didn't respond but she knows what he was thinking. He had held her like this months ago.
"Come on, let's have some coffee."
He poured her a cup and the two sat at her counter. She opened her mouth several times but each time she couldn't seem to find the words. After everything he had said before she left she was unsure how to explain to him what made her leave.
"I guess me and you are more similar than different…huh Nate?"
He gave her another quick smile, "Yeah…I guess."
She took a deep breath once before starting, "You said you knew what it was like to lose your dreams. To have them taken away by a parent and that I could come to you but I couldn't. I wanted to but you and Haley already had so much going on."
"You still could have…"
She shook her head, "No I couldn't Nate. You did what I did. You pulled away just like I did."
At least when his dreams shattered he had something to pull him back, something to remind him not all was lost. She was left with nothing but the bruises, some that healed, some that didn't.
"Haley told me what happened. I'm really sorry I wasn't there Brooke but you need to know healing alone isn't good. Sometimes the demons we see don't exist except in our own eyes."
She kept her hands out of sight because they're trembling again. Her demons were real and they went by the name of Victoria Davis.
She tried to laugh it off, "Don't worry about me Nate."
"I can't help it. Haley needs her best friend, Jaime needs his godmother, and I need you too."
He was looking straight at her but she managed to avoid his eyes.
"I promise I'm alright."
He nodded, "And if you're not you can come to any of us. These aren't just empty words Brooke. I mean it."
He looked at her again before wrapping his arms around her.
"No one can take what makes you shine Brooke Davis. Bad things happen but we can't let them block out all the good that's still out there."
They stood in silence for a moment before he realized he's late. She walked with him to the door.
He stood in the doorway, clearly debating something. Finally he spoke.
"I know you're not ok. I just trust that you will talk to one of us when you are ready. I'm not going to force you but you can't pretend that everything is perfect."
She's taken aback by his remarks and can't find anything to say in reply.
She just looked at him with tears forming in her eyes. Maybe not everything was lost.
xxxx
She was running late. Though she still had her entire wardrobe in front of her she couldn't imagine wearing any of it. She had spent most of the previous days in oversized sweats and hoodies and now they were all dirty.
She finally pulled out a long sleeve tee and an older pair of jeans. She sighed when they hung loosely on her. She remembered when she had curves. Her body could move seductively and entice any guy in any room.
She felt like bones now. She almost laughed that her frame probably resembled her best friend, Peyton, but the thought of Peyton made Brooke feel ill.
Maybe she had been selfish thinking it would be so easy to walk away. That her action wouldn't have implications on others. But in that moment when she chose to leave all she remembered was Victoria's harsh words.
She had called Peyton after Nate had left. She knew she couldn't hide forever. She had to figure out things the way they were now.
Peyton didn't answer. She had left four messages and thus far none of them had been returned.
She told her she was sorry, that she didn't mean to hurt everyone with her decision to leave. That she could fix things given the chance. But she was unsure if Peyton would even give her a chance. She wondered if anyone would. Thus far everyone had been understanding but like Nate had said, things were far from perfect. Eventually they'd expect her to share her reasons for leaving and what she had done while she was gone.
She made her way downstairs, ignoring the thought that she'd have to open the wounds she had pretended didn't exist.
She found the light on her phone blinking on the kitchen counter. She had left it downstairs while getting dressed.
She opened it find a missed call from Peyton. She held the phone to her ear, listening to the message her best friend had left.
Peyton's voice was strained but clear, "I talked to Haley Brooke. I'm sorry about everything but I don't know if I can see you. We were best friends and if you couldn't come to me when you were hurting I don't know…I just don't know. If I'm not someone you can come to I'm not sure who I am. I'll call when I'm ready to talk but I just need to be left alone for a while Brooke. I'm really sorry but please don't call again…"
She threw the phone against the wall. She hated Peyton. She hated her for not understanding. For not realizing the pain she felt and for not being there when she needed someone. She shouldn't have had to tell Peyton. Peyton should have known.
Brooke would have known. She could read the other girl like an open book and all the sacrifices Brooke had made for her seemed so trivial now. She'd give up everything if Peyton asked, she had done that once long ago, and now Peyton gave up Brooke so easily.
Her chest felt constricted and being in the house she had bought to live in with her best friend seemed painful.
She left in a rush, not grabbing a coat, or picking up the cell phone. She left forgetting the dinner and forgetting that she still had other friends who wanted to be there for her.
Somehow, Peyton always had a way of blinding out everything else in Brooke's life.
xxxx
She ended up at the beach. It was cold and the water was freezing but she didn't care.
She sat there barely shivering letting the tide slowly come forward and hoping it might just eventually engulf her.
He came, not much after she had arrived, and sat next to her, draping his jacket on her shoulders.
She didn't acknowledge his presence; she just wanted to be left alone. She was afraid if she decided to reach out no one would reach back, just like Peyten had.
Finally he spoke, though the uneasiness that had been building in her stomach remained.
"Haley said Peyton called her. I'm sorry Brooke."
She questioned his sincerity. Everyone had been apologizing lately and she was tired of hearing those words. What were they sorry about? Were they sorry they didn't notice or that she left or were they just easing their own guilt.
He reached out a hand and she flinched at his touch, moving her shoulder slightly forward so his hand lost its grip. Being touched brought her back to where she was. Back to a place where everything was uncertain. If he didn't touch her she could imagine she was out at sea, surrounded by nothing but the sound of waves. Maybe then she could figure out who she was.
He moved towards her again. He wasn't going to take no for an answer, just like the other day when she came home from the hospital. He forced her into his arms and refused to let go. She hated that he could do that. He was the only one and she still regretted letting him in.
"Just leave me alone Luke."
She's scooted further but he had already gotten a hold of her arm and he pulled her closer to him.
"For the love of God please just leave me alone. I don't want you here."
"I'm not leaving. I left once when I shouldn't have. I'm not doing it again."
She turned towards him, her eyes afire, "Don't change your act now Lucas. I'm not going to trust your words anymore. I'm done believing in what you say."
His face contorted with anguish and she knew she had a hit nerve but she didn't care.
"I know what I did was wrong Brooke. You trusted me and I gave you plenty or reasons to never trust me again but you have to know it all runs through my mind every moment, every second of every day. Those bruises. I don't know how I didn't see them."
His eyes closed and his fingers danced in front of him, "there were bruises on your arm in the shape of a hand print like someone grabbed you and pulled you down," his fingers curved so they looked as if they were on her arm, "and there were marks on your neck that looked like someone held you down," his fingers moved in the air again, "and you're eyes, like someone didn't want you to see again…I don't know how I didn't see…" his voice cracked.
Though he hadn't touched her she almost feltnlike his hands were on her skin tracing the patterns of bruises that once adorned her body.
She felt so close to him right then, like she could describe the attack and he might understand. He could already see the bruises and she still felt them.
"I needed someone and no one was there Luke. I was hurting so bad and no one saw. No one. You promised you'd be there. You told me no matter what you'd be there and I saved you so many times Lucas. So many times and I was all alone. None of my friends saw how much pain I was in. How do you live with that? What do you do when you realize no one loves you enough to see through your lies?"
She shrugged off his jacket off and began to walk away from him.
She couldn't take anymore. Every thought she had when she left came tumbling back. Everything Victoria had said seemed so true now. She had faced something terrible and she had faced it alone. She could never be the Brooke Davis they knew anymore.
"Brooke," he yelled as he jogged to catch up with her, "How do I fix this?"
"You can't. No one can. This is how it's always going to be."
She kept walking.
"It doesn't have to be."
She stopped to face him, "How do you fix the fact that none of your friends' notice that you're falling apart?"
"We didn't know you were falling apart. You pushed us away Brooke. You're always so strong; you don't let anyone in to know something is wrong."
She scoffed, "So this is all my fault? I did this. I have to be strong Lucas because there is no one there to rescue me if I'm not strong. Haley and Nate have each other. And Peyten has you and you know what Luke, you had me but I had no one. I had to be strong because that is what you expect. That is what you need and if I couldn't be strong for you guys anymore I didn't know what purpose I served…"
His eyes caught the moon light and shined a bright blue she hadn't let herself see in a while, "You don't have to always be strong. We can be strong for you Brooke. You just have to let us in. We just want you to be Brooke. That's all we need…"
She let herself be held by him again. There was some comfort in his words; the only thing was she had no idea who Brooke Davis was anymore.
xxxx
Katie Herzig
Thanks for reading. Please click the little review button down there if you have any thoughts or enjoyed the chapter.